Remembering Memories and Easter

Well...it was another exciting day in my life. I was spending a lot of time in the car driving yesterday and that of course gets me thinking about all my 'issues' and sometimes it is nice because it is 'uninterrupted thinking/pondering time' and that is hard to find sometimes....sometimes it is just frustrating because I can't stay focused...yesterday I was able to stay focused...

So...I am thinking about my abuse and realizing that a memory of a house I thought I was babysat in as a 4 year old was a memory of the house of my abuser (I didn't live next to my abuser until I was 5). I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 3 or 4 and I remember being at someone's home and being terrified to come out from behind the couch (I remember a lady kept asking me if I wanted something to eat...if I wanted to come out...she would sit nearby and was reading a book or something to keep an eye on me) The explanation I put to the memory was that I hadn't been to her house for a long time and I was a very shy child and there weren't any other children there...Now I am thinking that was not what really happened...

Well...I kept thinking about this memory and trying to figure out what it truly was.  This, of course, got me thinking that maybe I was abused more in my neighbor's home than I remember (which I am sure is true since I don't remember how my abuse started and I am pretty sure I didn't just ask the boy next store to 'shove stuff up in me' or try to freak me out, hurt me, and scare me). Then I realized that I was 'massively disassociating' whenever the abuse was happening...which would explain why when I would think back to the memory that I was feeling that I was a 'willing participant'. I had always had the thought in the back of my brain that I must have wanted it at some level because I couldn't remember any fear or pain or anything else...I realized yesterday I was not a 'passive participant'.

Then I started feeling my body react as I was thinking about all of this...the strangest sensation was in my 'private areas'...I tried to play 'counselor' and think how my counselor would react...what she would ask me...trying to get me to 'identify my feelings and put it into words' and I realized that the sensation I was feeling wasn't a 'good sensation' (as in sexual arousal that was accompanied with 'guilt' and wondering if I 'wanted my abuse') but rather a heightened sensitivity in 'anticipation of pain'...this added to the intensity of the thought that I was not a 'willing participant'. It also added another dimension of the 'reality of my abuse' and that my mind really has blocked out things that are horrible...that is just a weird concept...to realize and accept that I was sexually abused to the point that my brain had to 'block it out' to protect me...I felt like I had just 'dropped down' another layer...towards getting to the real memories of everything that happened to me as a child.

This was a very new idea as you can imagine...as I was thinking about it...my heart began to race...my breathing became shallow...about this time I show up at my counseling session...they always want me to fill out those 'how are you feeling' surveys...I said no (did you know you can say no sometimes?  Kind of empowering..I just gotta say)...I didn't want to fill out the survey...I pulled out my 'scribble notebook' (I have a couple of different notebooks...this one is for me to get my thoughts out...I'll burn it when it is full) I began writing like mad to sift through the feelings and organize my thoughts in my head...

As I am writing I realize my heat is pounding, my chest is tight, my breathing is rapid and shallow...and I am shaking like crazy...it hits me again..."what kind of hell did I live through that is causing my body to react like this?"  "I am a grown woman...this happened over 40 years ago"

Well...I got most of it out and was able to organize my thoughts a little in my head...I was a little 'flustered' as I began my counseling session...but I think all and all I was able to handle it very well...and that was HUGE!

I talked about it with my counselor and even moved on to some other things...so I guess I truly am healing...wow...what a concept...to 'be ok in my skin'.  That is my goal....but...life keeps happening...

I even had enough together that when I got home (my daughter had invited another family over for dinner) I was able to act reasonably normal and had a nice time...

I figure I better handle it when this stuff happens, especially since I keep praying to remember what happened...I want the Lord to know that I can handle it if He opens my mind and helps me to remember...If I can't handle it...I better quit asking for it...

Now the kids are in group counseling...I have 'co-parenting' counseling again tonight...my X invited me to his family's Easter Party..the girls told me I shouldn't go (I don't want to go anyway...they all hate me thinking I have 'destroyed' my X) because it would just give my X hope.  My girls tell me that he thinks I have just gone temporarily insane and will come back to him if he is patient...SERIOUSLY?  Wow....

My friend told me the other day she was thinking about me when she read in the Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." And let me tell you...as I ponder over all that has happened this last week...I feel it is so true...it just keeps coming and coming and coming...and amazingly enough..it doesn't scare me like it used to. I truly feel that it is because I know I am not alone..

I was reading Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage and I loved the line in chapter 33 "...For those of His chosen ones who were true to Him, the Lord had no feeling less than that of the love and of yearning for their victory over Satan and sin." Oh how I want to be a 'chosen one' and make the Lord proud of me and the things I have been able to accomplish...I can't even imagine the joy that would bring...

This morning I was reading about the atonement...as I read Doctrine and Covenants 19:18 "...Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain." I thought back to yesterday and how I was trembling because of remembered pain...Now don't get my wrong...I am in no way saying what I have experienced is anything close to the atonement...but I will say I have a teeny, tiny bit more understanding of the pain that He felt...what it feels like to 'tremble with pain'. And I know that He paid the price for the sin of my abuse...He has taken the burden and pain of my past off my shoulders...He is helping me to feel whole.  He is my Savior.  He is there for me. I willl do everything in my power to be near to Him so that I may feel His love and influence through the Holy Ghost...for I know that THAT is the only way I will be able to return to Him and our Father.  And that my friends...is a goal worth keeping! I can testify of that in His name, the name of Jesus Christ!  He is real and He lives!

Is there hope for my kids? I pray it is so...every day!

My X has been trying to get my younger son to move in with him.  I don't like the idea...I think that separating the kids is exactly like the first judge told us..."separation of siblings can cause irreparable damage" and that is what is happening.(my teenage son moved in with his dad about 6 months ago and it is causing a ton of issues amongst my kids)  My X is hoping my younger son will want to go to his ward, of course we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward you live in...something that my X has argued many a time over the years before now...but now he is constantly trying to tell my son he needs to demand to me that I take him to 'daddy's ward'. (It is in the neighboring stake)

So...last Sunday my youngest tells me he doesn't want to go to church...says he likes dad's church (ward) better and I can't make him go. I will confess that I threatened...started getting him changed myself...and nothing was working...the home teacher had come over earlier and offered to come 'drag him to church'. I was getting so frustrated because I felt that I just had no control or authority in my home. I felt that I would never be the respected adult in my home.  I was worried that if I don't let him do what he wants he will move in with his dad like his brother...yet if I can't be the 'adult/parent' in my own home what kind of person is my son going to grow into? As I am sitting there pondering what to do...thinking that if I went to church and 'let him stay home' I would never be able to get him to do anything...I finally decided to just leave him and go to church.

I get up and I am mad...but not..I feel that I am out of control angry but I am not out of control...so I turn to him and say, "I am really hurt that you don't want to go to church with me. They asked me to talk in Primary, I don't want to talk to the kids in Primary, I want to talk to YOU.  I want to share my testimony with you during Primary because YOU ARE MY SON!" It was kind of like controlled rage. And I walked out the door and went to church and tried not to cry.

As the Sacrament is starting in he comes...huffing (he had run the 1/2 mile to church) and 'slams right up against me' as only a 10 year old boy can. I put my arm around him and hold him tight the whole meeting. I tell him that I love him..he is leaning against me, head on my shoulder, leg against mine and barely moves. As he gets ready to leave for Primary I ask him, "Can you feel how much I love you?" He says yes....

After I do my part in Primary he comes over to me and says..."That was a really cool story" and repeated that a few more times on the way home. He then says, "After you left I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life" I tell him, "Do you know the best part of that?" He responds, "That I said I made a mistake?"

"No" I reply. "The best part is that you made a mistake and then you fixed it!" It was a good day...

Do I know what changed his mind?  No...did my son need to feel that 'I wanted him'?  Did my son feel my sincerity? Did my son decide it matter if I was upset? Do all my efforts regarding my 'gotta keep it together' attitude communicate to my kids (mainly my boys) that I don't care?  Is this something that is being supported by their dad?  I know he says a lot of cruel things about me...I know he is hurt and angry...it would be hard to hear things as a child and not know if they are true. I know my daughters have told me that sometimes it is hard to know what is true because their dad says lots of things and 'Mom..you don't say anything." Maybe it is ok to show my emotions?  Maybe I don't need to be 'nerves of steel' but just be a caring mom...

Later there was a problem with my older boy and I couldn't believe how my daughters handled it. They were trying to make sure that everyone had 'their say'  that no one was getting too emotional or upset...that all feelings were listened to...don't get me wrong...it was not necessarily pretty...but what was incredible was that all my kids were trying to get along and demonstrating by how they were talking that they loved each other.

As I looked at my kids and thought about the feelings that were in the room I thought..."There is hope for my kids!" They have rough roads ahead, but everyone has a rough road ahead. They aren't 'shying or shirking' away from their problems...they are doing their very best to 'deal and rise above'. I look at the type of person they are going to become...I think of the type of parent they will be...I guess it is best summed up by a discussion my child shared with me...they were talking to their counselor and was asked, "Do you think this is going to make it hard for you to have a good relationship later and marry?" My child's response, "No! I think this is going to make my relationship better because I deserve it and I know what I want!"

Is there hope for my kids?  YES!

Are my kids going to continue to struggle?  YES

Will I ever stop loving them? NO

Will the Lord ever stop loving and guiding them? NO

Am I glad I am divorced? YES...but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....

Co Parenting Counseling and the Jerry Springer Show

Ok...
I am sure it is pretty obvious by now that I struggle having any kind of communication with my X.  I will assume that the people reading my blog are fairly intelligent and 'get that'....hope I didn't offend anyone :)

Anyway...after the mediator says our kids/family is being divided by the actions of my X and I and the 'parenting plan' (visitation, etc.) is not in the best interest of the children the judge says we need 'co parenting' counseling....sigh...

I start checking around for someone to do it...and I get one guy to call me back and he says..."I have to confess...if you hadn't mentioned who referred you to me I would not have called you back...no counselor likes to do 'co parenting counseling'." He then asked if I have ever seen the Jerry Springer Show...he mentions that the concept of having 2 people that can't stand each other to work through sharing kids is a nightmare that no counselor wants.  As he put it in that perspective, I could understand his point.

Now...gotta say...my counselor friend tells me there is an actual 'co parenting protocol' that her county uses and they actually have a list of issues they go through..how to communicate...switch kids etc...but I don't know of that in the county where I live...so...I am back to counselors...

Well...my X mentions that the counselor we went to for 'marriage counseling' might do it.  I, of course, was struggling with insurance issues and trying to find an LDS counselor and someone that worked during the hours I was off...and someone that I would like...all very difficult to do...so when my X suggested our old counselor I 'jumped on the idea'.  After all, our marriage counselor 'totally got me' and 'had my back' why would I not want to go back to him...

So...fast forward to sitting with our marriage counselor...my X starts complaining about the same old stuff...most of it is stuff that happened at the very beginning of our separation...as I am sitting there it occurs to me...he has so NOT MOVED ON! He is worried about who to blame...I won't let the kids see him...I schedule activities so they don't want to see him...I over schedule and involved them in extra activities...like teenagers in a 2 parent household would stay home every weekend and sit around playing video games with their dad?

I starting seeing that the counselor 'gets it' and I don't have to respond or defend everything my X said...that was a nice feeling...I still need to support how I feel, but I didn't feel the 'desperate need to protect myself'. I am hoping that is progress?

So...we survive our first session of 'co parenting counseling' and then on to getting my son some counseling.

This is the counselor that referenced the Jerry Springer Show...well..that is pretty much what it turned into...

I couldn't believe it..he finally asked my son to wait outside while he talked to my X and I.  My X said all kinds of crazy things...everything from...'she is using counseling to blame me for the divorce' to 'I have family that has dealt with divorce and counseling screwed up their kids' to 'I like counseling but they don't need it...they are normal teenagers and counseling won't change the fact that their parents are divorced' to 'if we take the kids to counseling they will think they have a problem'. I was impressed with the counselor..he weathered it well...and I gotta confess...reminded me of 'The Jerry Springer Show' and when the guests would be saying the most ludicrous things...and arguing over the most stupid issues...I am glad there was not a video camera...I will say I didn't feel on the 'defense' like I have in the past...the need to 'protect my image' or 'justify my actions' and I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut...so maybe I am progressing...

I will say that my knowledge of 'counseling buzz words' was beneficial...I felt I could explain why I wanted my son in counseling and what I hoped he would get out of it...

Why do I want my kids in counseling?  Well...I get that some counselors just cause issues...and are trying to pay their 'mortgage' and perhaps will continue to see people as long as the person is willing to come and not make plans...others truly want to 'help' those that have more 'drama/trauma' then they can handle...the best thing I have learned in counseling?  How to separate what I can change and 'rethink' how to deal with what I can't change...that part of it has been a huge help...so...do I want my kids to have that knowledge and ability?  Heck ya!  Do I feel that my kids have had more than a 'normal share' of drama/trauma?  Yes!  Do they deserve to have the best shot possible at 'healing'?  Yes!  So...do I support counseling?  Yes I do.  Even if I don't like it some days :)

So...my son's first counseling session didn't work out as we hoped...but he will get another one next week. My son did ask me if we (my X and I) were going to be in there during his session...I told him no...he was obviously relieved...

Well...if anyone else out there has any suggestions on how to better survive all the 'together time' and counseling...feel free to let me know...

Kids deserve the opportunity to learn how to 'deal' and more importantly 'heal' from the challenges that are put in their path...if we as parents don't have those skills or tools...I feel we need to find a way for our children to learn them from others...but that is just my opinion...

If I wanted to see you I would have stayed married!

Ok...can you just say 'X' overload?
I see him at my son's sports games...I see him at my daughter's musical performance...I see him at co-parenting counseling (yeah...that is a couple of blogs in itself) I see him at my son's counseling...oh, and get this...he is trying to tell the counselor that the kids don't need counseling because it won't change the fact that we divorced and will make them think they have problems...

I have told the kids so many times...things have happened that affect them that are not their fault...it makes sense that they will get angry and frustrated...counseling will help to separate what you can change and deal better with what you 'can't change'. The whole session was basically my son in the waiting room and my X and I fighting over the kids getting counseling...what a mess...

It is sad that he is driving his kids away and he keeps blaming me...I don't have to do anything...then to have him say that I don't want my kids to have a dad...He has no idea how badly I want a good father for my children...

My older daughter mentioned that her counselor asked her if she was afraid that she wouldn't get married to a good person because of our divorce...she said that she had never thought that way...she feels that she will get an even better husband because of what she is seeing and learning...I started to wonder if that is not the normal response from a child of divorce?  I think I feel good about that fact that she feels that way...I am thinking it is a good thing...

I remember my counselor asking me if I was thinking about dating...I said, NO WAY I can barely handle my own life...let alone the addition of someone else...then she says..well...most people take about a year...I tell her I have been separated for over 2 and then she says, "Well, in your case..more than 2?"  Gotta say...don't know if that is good or not...

I think it is good I am not lonely...I don't feel that there is a 'hole' that needs to be filled...maybe some day...but definitely not right now...

I do wonder why he isn't dating...I wonder if he still wonders if we will get back together or not...

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I was sorry for the baggage my abuse brought to our relationship...and it totally caught him off guard...he has tried harder to smile at me when I see him...I sure hope he didn't take my apology as an interest in 'making up' No way in HELL!  Just gotta say...

And to be honest...I am not good for him either...I am not able to love and support him the way he deserves...and everyone deserves to be loved...I try to remember that...some days I do...

I will say that when we were in counseling yesterday arguing about our son getting counseling... I held it together better...flashbacks of marriage counseling...I found I did not feel as much need to 'defend' myself...I didn't react as much as I have in the past...and I feel better about that...I saw more what a HUGE cavern exists between us...how low he has gone and much better I feel about myself...that was nice to ponder...If I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'. I am better able to see how people see him...less need to defend myself...nice...

Survived Counseling...I know everyone was worried.

Well...I went to counseling today...no cancellations...that was good.  Work was a little better to so that helped.  All and all...not too bad of a day.

I don't have as much anxiety towards counseling as I did before...I still hate sitting there in the waiting room...sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and just rock myself...other times I want to pace...I think the first time my counselor came to get me and I was standing up looking out the window...she was nervous..wondering how I was feeling...figuring I was pretty antsy I guess.  I got an 'Uh oh...up pacing already?" Wasn't sure what to think of that...can't say as I blame her..considering some of the moods I have been in when I arrive at counseling.

My friend that is a counselor says that I need to trust my counselor more with my emotions...that my emotions are like a big tank of water and the counselor can control the spigot (if I let her that is) and I need to trust that she can let some of my emotions out and will know when to slow it down and shut it off it necessary so I can leave and function after the session...that's kind of hard for me still..

But...today went good...my counselor is in love with 'thought journals' and yes...I am wondering if she is reading this...if so, sorry...just had to say it...

So...I have been an obedient client (by choice not force) and recording my thoughts...I guess it helps...I do feel better when I can write stuff down...but then I just get to bed that much later...sigh...sleep is probably over rated, anyway...but I feel like I have too many different journals...I have a 'happy journal' that I write down good stuff and tender mercies...then I have a 'must burn before anyone sees' journal that will be burnt when full, thought journal (Mind Over Mood (book) taken from the structure of Mind Over Mood, and then another journal that has 2 parts...one...what I feel the Lord is trying to tell me through impressions and inspiration and part 2 is what stands out from counseling and what she is trying to tell me...so..yeah...it takes me awhile to go to bed...plus...I now have this blog...people are looking at it..so I am hoping it might be helping someone out there...

I think part of what helped today be better is that I have been praying and reading my scriptures more the last 8 months than I ever have...of course my patriarchal blessing tells me to do this a couple of times...but you know 'passive aggressive' me...yeah...didn't happen as much as it should have.

My counselor complimented me on my ability to actually have a 'dialogue' apparently I don't interact very well...I wonder if that is the same thing as.."can't play nice with others" you know...that box on the preschool report card? 

I want to continue working on 'feeling while thinking'. There are some things that I am trying to remember and when I think about it..I just can't stay focused on it.  I am becoming more aware of my 'brain cramps' (I think the technical therapy term is - disassociation) and trying to NOT go brain dead.  But that is easier said than done...

I find myself feeling that I am 'so close' to getting it. I feel like I can feel the Lord wants to tell me something and I feel like I just need to go 'further' or 'down one more level' and I will be there...I feel like I need to find a quite place and just truly 'commune with God' and I will get connected...but I am so busy right now...and when I do have time to try and 'ponder' I can't stay focused...extremely frustrating...just gotta say :)

So...I guess the only thing to do is just be patient (oh yeah...another thing I am not very good at) and try to be aware and not 'freak out' about it. And eventually I will be able to understand what the Lord wants me to know...

Elder Holland has said, "God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe." (This, The Greatest Of All Dispensations CES Fireside September 2004)

Guess I need to keep working on my faith and believing....

Ok...I have control issues..counseling was cancelled

Wow...really?  How pathetic am I that I get all bent out of shape if my counseling appointment gets cancelled?

I must say I didn't get as bent out of shape this time...as I have in the past. In the past I would get all worked up...obsess that my counselor hated me...she couldn't mentally deal with having to talk to me again...of course it always made it worse when I would show up the next time...she would apologize for having to change my appointment...this would make me feel like crap...thinking I was so pathetic she felt sorry for me that I couldn't handle a minor thing like post pone a counseling session...then I would be mad at myself for worrying so much...then I get mad that I worry what my counselor thinks...then I would just get mad...

Then I would think to myself...it is no wonder I am in counseling...

Man...life can sure give you a head trip...

So...I get a call a couple of hours before my appointment...I am working...but I see the caller ID and it is my counselor..I can guess that she is going to cancel...I then talk myself out of panicking by telling myself that maybe she just wants to have me come a little later or earlier...that has happened before...

I survive till I can listen to the message...yep...my counselor is sick...so I have to reschedule...

I tell myself that lots of people are sick and it is better that I not go see her if she is not 'up to par' because it probably won't be as beneficial for me...I do think that I would be a 'mentally draining client' but maybe it is just draining on my end...

And I must say...I have so many other things I need to do that it didn't bother me too much.  I was supposed to meet with my boss anyway...and I was better off in the long run because I got through my meeting with my boss and now I am done with that...plus...

Since I didn't freak out I was feeling pretty good about myself by the time the evening came around..and that was a very good thing...

I still have to say...since realizing that she is giving me 'choices' and she will not make me do anything I don't want to do...it has dramatically dropped my anxiety level about counseling.  That in it self is an odd feeling and annoying because it makes me wonder how much anxiety I have carried around all my life thinking I have to 'do things' that I don't want to do and to try and get out of it...

Apparently I am quite 'passive aggressive' and I was starting to behave that way at work...not good...it would be a very bad thing if I was to lost my job...sigh...so I guess it is a good thing that I am realizing it and trying to control it...

And now I have counseling tomorrow...sigh...I wonder if I'll be able to get my 'heart' to talk to my head...

Sometimes I am a little 'cerebral heavy'...can you tell?

Divorce and Ex Inlaws

Ok...
I am not too sure how I feel about the whole...ex in law concept. The other day my kids' cousin (on their father's side) was getting baptized. I wanted the kids to go...I know family support is important at things like this. At the last minute my son said that I was welcome to go also...first off...I hate being an 'after thought' and second...I think most of his family blames me for 'destroying' my X. My X has not taken any responsibility for our divorce and my girls told me the summer after we separated they were at his mother's home and she asked them..."Has your mother said anything as to why she is doing this?" Now my girls are smarter than the average kid and they knew the major issues and were smart enough not to say anything...but they have asked me several times since then..."How much do you think grandma knows?  Should we tell her?" What a mess to put your kid in, right?  My X can't get mad at me for that...he told my girls, "I had a porn problem and your mom won't forgive me" he thought they would feel sorry for him...but it just alienated them more...sad...

So...last year when my oldest graduated from high school we had a 'family gathering' and I invited my X's family. It was a little awkward...but we all survived...one of his sister's in law showed up later and was soooo sweet and kind to me. I mentioned to her, "Thank you so much for being so kind and caring about me." She responded, "I love you...what happened between you and your husband is between you two...I will always care about you." It just warmed my heart...and I know she really meant what she said. I later was talking to a friend about it and she said that I can't keep up relations with my X inlaws...that my X will take it as an attack on him...think I am trying to get his family to side with me...he will resent me even more...sigh...

I guess I can see what she was saying...but then I see some of the wives be so supportive to my kids and ask about me...it just makes me wonder...because I don't have enough guilt in my life...

So...divorce and ex-in-laws...I guess technically I am no longer related...but does relation always need to exist to care about someone?

I think I'll need to ponder this one for awhile...

I Wish It Didn't Affect My Kids

Today I am trying to get to everything I should go to...
Sports for the kids...parties...a birthday weekend for a child...it is crazy...but good.

My son that lives with his dad makes it even harder...I feel like he just does whatever he wants...when his dad doesn't have gas money to take him anywhere..then suddenly he wants to 'stay at my house' and I feel like I am being used (Ok..it is more than a feeling...I am still a doormat sometimes) but then he comes around and he can be such a great kid...then I wish he was living with his siblings...and I know it affects them all...they all need to know they are loved by their siblings...and feel supported...regardless of which parent they are aligning themselves with...I just can't figure out how to do it.

I am glad in some ways the judge is making them go to counseling...I hope they take advantage of it. I look at them (my kids) and see how strong they are as individuals and the desires they have to do the right thing and I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude to a Heavenly Father that has blessed me with such incredible children...and it sometimes breaks my heart to see them go through all of this...I guess that is part of life.

I remember my daughter asking me during conference...right after the talk Can Ye Feel So Now? (Quentin Cook October 2012) if that was true...followed by..."Because dad has caused an awful lot of tears".  On one hand it breaks my heart that she would feel that way...on the other hand?  The sad thing is that her dad doesn't even realize it...how strong and powerful are the chains of addiction....

Monday 3/11/2013
My older teenage son (that lives with his dad) came over last night. I remember so well that first judge and what he said when my X tried to take some of the kids to live with him the first time..."Don't you know it can cause irreparable damage to separate siblings?" When my older son comes over..he tries to be the 'dad' and boss everyone around...my middle son is getting used to not having him around so when he shows up my middle son will pick arguments with him because he feels 'threatened'. To make a long story short..everyone is hurting and it struggling to treat each other with love and respect. I wish I could take them all to counseling...but some think counseling is a waste...I will say the ones that want to go to counseling..have a 'brighter glow'. You would have a hard time convincing me that it is not connected...those that can 'see' that things are going on in their lives and have a desire to make it better, not just blame it on everyone...seem to have a better countenance...sigh...I just don't know how to fix it.

My daughters are so hurt by how their dad treats them...they don't even want to talk to him or be around him..my X just can't see his part in the problem.  Granted, I know I am not perfect, but at least I am trying and doing what I can to make things better.

It just breaks my heart to see them hurt...after a discussion last night with a couple of my kids I told them..."I have no idea why you need to go through this...but what I do know is that it is making you stronger." I went on to talk about the kind of mother and father they would be...how they would be so loving and nurturing to their children. I told my daughter how she would marry someone that truly loved her and she would see her husband wrap his arms around their daughter and love her, accept her and she would know what it would mean to her daughter. I told my son how he would be a father that 'plays' with his children and love them and helps them to feel good about who they are...and that all I know is that their Heavenly Father loves them...I love them...and they are strong enough to come through this as a better person...

It did seem to bring a better Spirit into our home after I talked...we all cried a little...and smiled at the end.  Life is not for wimps...I can't take away their pain...but maybe I can help them to remember who they are and where they can get strength...and remind myself in the process.

Today Is Good

Well...
I have made some major progress with dealing and healing with my abuse this last couple of weeks and then I got slammed with all the court stuff...trying to find counselors for my kids that take my insurance...scheduling is going to be a nightmare...sigh...

But I gotta say...for the most part I am feeling good today...and I am just going to try and accept that and enjoy it.

I am looking at my daughter going on a mission this summer and trying to see what I can do to help support her. Her father is not willing to help her (he says he can't) but what bugs me is he has family with money...he is making no effort to see if any family members will help her. So sad...

And at the same time my X is trying to get me to pay him child support (1 of my 5 kids is living with him) because he is unemployed...my income is much higher...and I will confess..I live in one of those states that doesn't necessarily put the 'best interest' or 'old fashioned values' towards its laws. It is just so wrong that I am working 2 jobs to get by and he can sit around and expect me to pay him...anyway...don't want to ruin my good day...

While I was talking to my daughter...she feels that she can get half her mission saved up before she goes...I have a brother that is willing to help her...and I am going to help her...and as she was expressing her frustration that her dad wouldn't even be willing to pay $20 a month towards it...I was just overwhelmed with how much I love her and how I know the Lord is aware of me and my children and I told her.."I will pay the rest". I don't know how...but I know the Lord knows what I need...the BYU Idaho devotional this week said in  (Michael R Otterson 3/5/2013) his closing statement he quoted from Elder Holland's talk  "...God is eagerly waiting to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams..."

I have some pretty good dreams...and I know the Lord knows what they are...so I just have to keep up my faith and pray...doesn't sound too hard...and for today...Yes...I am good!

Coming Out of My Hole...Healing?

Well...I wonder if I am healing...maybe a little?

(If you are struggling with your healing you have to read Elder Scott's talk To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse and To Be Healed )

The negative monologue is definitely going away...it is funny...I will be at work and realize that I am actually kind of relaxed. I don't have some underlying anxiety thing going on all day long dragging me down. I think my big 'breakthrough' was when my counselor told me she wasn't going to make me do anything.  That was a 'sledgehammer' up side the head! I can still easily get teary eyed thinking that I am 'free' and I can choose what I want to do. Maybe that is part of what needed to happen in my life. Because there is a part of me that feels 'utterly alone' (my father died about 8 years ago and my mother died 1 1/2 years ago) I divorced 2 years ago...I offended my brother's wives when my mother passed away and I have contact with only one and he lives very far away. So in many ways I am truly alone....But...

What if this is the environment I needed to be in to allow myself to 'embrace' the fact that I can do whatever I want? I am not listening to others tell me what to do...I am just me. Maybe I needed to be alone to understand I was 'free'?

I could easily make myself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons...but I guess the bottom line is that it happened...it is what it is...one of the phrases I 'caught' from my counselor is that..."If I could have stopped it...I would have." I may have to tell myself that for awhile before I can truly say I believe it in my heart...but it is worth it...and I think little by little...my heart is beginning to believe.

Don't get me wrong...one little 'ah ha' moment will not make everything better...I still have a lot of issues...I need to work on my control issues...I need to work on my 'emotional connection' with my kids...I need to continue growing and getting stronger...and I think that is a life time goal.

Besides...now my X is starting to drive me crazy...probably because my mind is relaxing a little and I am realizing how 'messed up' I was to ever think I was in love.

I Hate Going to Court (divorce)

So...I went to court today...sigh....

I am SOOOO tired of going to court...it is pretty bad because I can recognize the baliffs and the guards at the door. We have been separated now for 2 years...he has filed twice to try and get some of the kids to live with him...we have had to go to mediation several times...very exhausting!

I am learning to do better in the court room. At first I would feel like I needed to respond or defend every comment my X makes. I would get emotional and frustrated thinking the judge was going to believe everything he was saying...took me awhile to figure out the judges aren't stupid and if I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'.

We have had a judge for the last 8 months that was actually just a commissioner and had no control over the court room. He let my X and I 'banter back and forth' NOT GOOD...just saying...
I would just get so angry and things he would say I couldn't keep my mouth shut...so this time we had a new judge.  He could tell that many things were 'carried over' from the other judge and did a pretty good job and keeping it moving.

So...I have to confess I 'dressed for success' (which is pretty amazing if you have read my 'Child Abuse and Dressing Up post) I even wore boots with heels...I will say I am getting more relaxed and trying to be more comfortable when men look at me and pay attention...sigh...haven't quite decided if I like the attention...but I am getting more comfortable with it...I think it did make me feel better...and when I sat down I didn't feel all desperate to argue or defend myself. So..I tried to keep my thoughts on my kids and what was best for them...

My X keeps asking for more time with the kids...that is so hard for me to 'deal with' because I know how 'messed up' he is...can't connect emotionally...I think of how many times my girls come back from visiting with him upset and hurt and crying...how my son that isn't as accepted as his brothers comes back hurt and upset...and I think 'I will never force them to visit their dad!' Then I realize how not having a dad seriously affects kids...how ever for us as adults...we know we have a mother in Heaven...we know she loves us...just like our kids now 'we' (their moms) always love them...but it's that darn 'dad love' that kids need to be emotionally healthy...just like we need to know how much our Heavenly Father loves us...and what a huge positive impact that knowledge can have on our lives...knowing of our Father in Heaven's love for us.

So...I am trying to have a positive attitude about my X getting more time with the kids..this, of course, will affect child support. I am now working 2 jobs and he is sitting in his apartment unemployed thinking I am going to start paying him child support.  I keep thinking...'On What Planet That Was Created By Our Heavenly Father Is It Ok For A Man To Sit On His Butt, While His Wife Works 2 Jobs And Thinks It Is Ok?'  Seriously...it is not ok...but society doesn't see things that way...

I remember some advice when we first separated...I was told, "Do whatever you can to stay out of court...don't let someone that doesn't even know you, your children, your beliefs, etc.make decisions for you and your kids." Well...I should have listened harder...because now I have the court dictating everything...If you are thinking divorce..do whatever you can to stay out of court.

Anyway...here is the advice I have for women having to deal with court...

Find a lawyer!  :)  I don't have money for a lawyer but my county has a lawyer that works 'pro bono' 1 day a week...I must say the secretary got to where she could recognize my voice on the phone...Being able to ask someone legal questions is a HUGE help if you can't afford a lawyer to represent you...I was able to gain so much confidence and learn how to 'work the system' so I didn't freak out every time I received some mail from the court. I had my friends mail my petitions...we'd make a party out of it and go to lunch together...some states also offer a waiver for the court fees if you qualify...if you are a 'stay at home' mom and your X works...then you would definitely qualify. Learn how to respond to petitions so you are not 'rattled' when you have to appear.

So...the ending of my story today is...the judge came up with a visitation plan...but we have to go to 'co parenting counseling' and the kids get 'sibling counseling' and then the kids can go individually if they want...sigh...what a mess...hopefully the kids will be able to process and deal with all the emotions and can begin to heal too...only time will tell...

Best part of court today?  Child Support was postponed till April...oh yeah...
 

How My Past Affects My Communication

As I stated in a previous blog...there were times when my counselor was driving me crazy. I felt I would go in there and I was trying my best to 'be the good client' and 'share my thoughts' and try to do what she said with an open mind. Well, after quite awhile of coming out of a session frustrated...feeling like she just didn't get it...I then (I swear I have 'battered wife syndrome' I wondered why I would set myself up for failure time and time again with the fear that my counselor 'didn't like me) would decide it was all my fault and I wasn't 'doing it right'. So I would think, stress, analyze, think some more, think again and stress a little more...by then it was almost time for my next appointment...so I would even lost my appetite...get stomach cramps...chest pains...etc. I felt that I was trying as hard as I could...and was still 'not doing it right'.  Gotta say...I was starting to wonder if I was crazy...

I felt that I was getting no reaction from her whatsoever...I could read 'nothing' in her face or what she said...she would hardly even answer my questions...she was pretty good at 'redirecting' my attention...Later on my way home I would think.."Hey...she never answered that either" After awhile...(I don't want to publicly confess how long)...It occurred to me that perhaps she was 'shutting me out' so I would have to verbalize my questions and listen to what she was saying...not just what I was 'reading' (picking up emotional cues and body language) ...so...that got me to thinking about how I communicate.  I remember thinking that I felt like I was a blind person (my brain doesn't listen very well to my heart..so I adapted) then when I would come into counseling I would feel like I just went deaf...I had no 'input' whatsoever..(interestingly enough...my mind would assume my counselor was 'displeased' with my actions and we all know that 'no news is bad news' and since I was getting no feedback..it must be bad feedback). So I would fill in with my brain what I thought was happening...in case you are curious...this is not the ideal plan...I would venture to say...I was wrong more than right...

This was all happening when my counselor made her comment about 'she would never make me do anything against my will...I have been forced to do too many things in my life' and that is when some of my 'wall' came down. I confessed to her at my next session that perhaps I had been a little 'passive aggressive' in my behavior. She did let her 'wall' down as she agreed with me and I could see that...yeah...'a little' was probably an understatement on my part. Then a whole new concept opened up...perhaps I behave a little passive aggressive with others?  Yeah..startling new idea I know...

At this same time I was struggling with my boss (I work at 2 sites...she is my boss only 2 days a week)...she was a typical administrator and has too much to worry about and take care of. I felt like she was not 'supporting' what I wanted to do and therefore I felt she didn't like me and what I was doing...this turned into me getting 'irritated' pretty much every time she talked to me. I talked to a coworker about it and I remember he was 'so patient and supportive'. He made the comment...'remember you are both working towards the same thing...she is a good person...just try to relax and listen to her.' Well...now I have some additional information to add to the 'pot'. My previous administrator was very open to my ideas and basically gave me a 'free rein' to do whatever I felt was appropriate. My current boss is very different and controlling..so..I have come to the conclusion that 'I have a passive aggressive' personality...Wow...kind of a shock...I don't know if it is a shock to those that know me...I'll have to ask them I guess...

There have been people in my past that I 'thought' I felt indifferently about...and they have commented that they thought 'I didn't like them'. One was a RS president I was working with...I was the secretary...one of her counselors called me up and asked me why I didn't like the RS president. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. She went on to tell me the RS president mentioned to her that I 'wouldn't look at her' and 'didn't joke with her' like I did the others in the presidency...this counselor felt I didn't like her either. I thought about it and I had no idea what they were really talking about...I thought they were just crazy..now I am thinking they are not...another weird connection I just made to this RS president...she was a teenager when I was a child in the same ward where I lived when I was abused....small world...

I will confess my 'protection' skills that I always thought were so 'in place and secure' are falling and I am realizing they were not nearly as effective as I thought at 'hiding what I was really feeling'. It is kind of humbling to realize that I appear so different than I perceive...not very comforting...

So what do I do?  I have no idea..
I guess the first thing is to 'be aware' and now when I start getting my feelings of  so..how come that person doesn't like me...I can stop and think about if that person has 'hit any of my triggers' and try to be more aware of 'negative energy or feedback' I am sending out. Gotta say...I am thinking I can be kind of rude...not a welcome thought...