Survived Counseling...I know everyone was worried.

Well...I went to counseling today...no cancellations...that was good.  Work was a little better to so that helped.  All and all...not too bad of a day.

I don't have as much anxiety towards counseling as I did before...I still hate sitting there in the waiting room...sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and just rock myself...other times I want to pace...I think the first time my counselor came to get me and I was standing up looking out the window...she was nervous..wondering how I was feeling...figuring I was pretty antsy I guess.  I got an 'Uh oh...up pacing already?" Wasn't sure what to think of that...can't say as I blame her..considering some of the moods I have been in when I arrive at counseling.

My friend that is a counselor says that I need to trust my counselor more with my emotions...that my emotions are like a big tank of water and the counselor can control the spigot (if I let her that is) and I need to trust that she can let some of my emotions out and will know when to slow it down and shut it off it necessary so I can leave and function after the session...that's kind of hard for me still..

But...today went good...my counselor is in love with 'thought journals' and yes...I am wondering if she is reading this...if so, sorry...just had to say it...

So...I have been an obedient client (by choice not force) and recording my thoughts...I guess it helps...I do feel better when I can write stuff down...but then I just get to bed that much later...sigh...sleep is probably over rated, anyway...but I feel like I have too many different journals...I have a 'happy journal' that I write down good stuff and tender mercies...then I have a 'must burn before anyone sees' journal that will be burnt when full, thought journal (Mind Over Mood (book) taken from the structure of Mind Over Mood, and then another journal that has 2 parts...one...what I feel the Lord is trying to tell me through impressions and inspiration and part 2 is what stands out from counseling and what she is trying to tell me...so..yeah...it takes me awhile to go to bed...plus...I now have this blog...people are looking at it..so I am hoping it might be helping someone out there...

I think part of what helped today be better is that I have been praying and reading my scriptures more the last 8 months than I ever have...of course my patriarchal blessing tells me to do this a couple of times...but you know 'passive aggressive' me...yeah...didn't happen as much as it should have.

My counselor complimented me on my ability to actually have a 'dialogue' apparently I don't interact very well...I wonder if that is the same thing as.."can't play nice with others" you know...that box on the preschool report card? 

I want to continue working on 'feeling while thinking'. There are some things that I am trying to remember and when I think about it..I just can't stay focused on it.  I am becoming more aware of my 'brain cramps' (I think the technical therapy term is - disassociation) and trying to NOT go brain dead.  But that is easier said than done...

I find myself feeling that I am 'so close' to getting it. I feel like I can feel the Lord wants to tell me something and I feel like I just need to go 'further' or 'down one more level' and I will be there...I feel like I need to find a quite place and just truly 'commune with God' and I will get connected...but I am so busy right now...and when I do have time to try and 'ponder' I can't stay focused...extremely frustrating...just gotta say :)

So...I guess the only thing to do is just be patient (oh yeah...another thing I am not very good at) and try to be aware and not 'freak out' about it. And eventually I will be able to understand what the Lord wants me to know...

Elder Holland has said, "God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe." (This, The Greatest Of All Dispensations CES Fireside September 2004)

Guess I need to keep working on my faith and believing....