How would it feel to be equally yoked? Is better all I want? Or do I want the best the Lord can give?

So...I'm still dating My Man...well..kind of dating...since we have been doing nothing but chatting for almost 2 months...lol!

We have been talking a lot and we have both discussed that the Lord is in charge and trying to help us. He made a comment once that he feels impressed that he needs to not pressure me and give me time to accept a relationship with him.  This was kind of surprising to hear...after all, I have been dating for over 2 years and I want to marry...what is he talking about?

Then I began to understand...

You see..in case you haven't noticed...I have some intimacy issues...and dating someone that I felt would just follow me around like a puppy dog (Make Out Dude) or a man that has commitment issues that I connected with intellectually but isn't into the church far enough (Movie Dude) is one thing. To have a relationship with a man that I feel is equal to me in so many ways, that wants to commit to me and values the Temple and what it stands for...is a whole new ball game.

I have had several conversations with my girls about 'intellectually compatible' and man...can I see the blessings of it with My Man. Chatting has become so fun...the word plays - innuendos - sarcasm (with kindness) and just basic jokes...the wit and speed of the conversations..I feel the intellectual stimulation and it just lights up my brain. It is like a whole new world of awareness and challenge...ok...his vocabulary is bigger than mine..for example..today...portends...really?  Does anyone use that word in regular conversation?  Granted when I goggled it there were many references to crossword/scrabble usage..But I must say...kinda like the mental challenge...

Then, the gospel...he has a totally cool conversion story...found the church on his own as a teenager and has been faithful his entire life...it means something to him...his relationship with his Father in Heaven exists and is extremely important to him. I have heard he is a fabulous Gospel Doctrine teacher...hmm...that could be fun. I remember how when I would give talks with my ex...I would usually talk most of the time and give minimal to him...he would always be nervous and talk in a monotone...I was usually very energetic and engaging...I would get lots of compliments and he would feel inferior...how nice would it be to feel that we are both are strong in the gospel and comfortable sharing our testimonies...wow...I like how I imagine that would feel.

He loves his kids...he has 3 kids...most older than mine but not by much...I remember him asking me if I would be a mother to his kids. Since she walked out on all of them...wow...that kind of made me sit and think...I do love my kids...I did always wish I had married sooner and had more kids...I have learned so much with my kids, I am finally to the point of...I just want them to know that I love them and that the Lord is there for them...always. If I can do that I will die happy.  I could do that with his kids...so sure...why not...and MY kids...they long for more family (my ex's family is good - but they don't click with their cousins) my family doesn't talk to me any more..at least my brothers with kids their ages. So yeah...my kids are pumped that he has kids...and 2 grandkids...under the age of 2. My kids are REALLY excited about that.  His kids? They always wanted more...one of his kids made the comment..."She has 5 kids?  That'd be cool!"

In fact...since we haven't been able to date...our kids have come around to being very supportive of our relationship - I think they feel sorry for us that we can't date and want to see us happy. So that is a definite plus of not dating :)

So...now we come to my issues...sigh...
I would like to think that I don't have any issues...but yeah...that obviously isn't the case...
I asked him how much he wanted to know about me...he said, as much as a person can know about someone else...so I told him about this blog.  He said that he would take time and read it...and he did.

Guess what he said? Movie Dude mentioned that I had a lot of issues and it was holding him back. So yeah...I was a little nervous that I told him about this blog...

His response?
Wow..you are so amazing!  You should write a book! It is so wonderful that you have been able to find these men that could help you grow and process to prepare you to find a man and marry.

Ok..seriously?  You aren't freaked out at all? You don't see all my crap as baggage too heavy to deal with?  wow...maybe he is the one?

He told me how his ex wife had been abused and he understood what I would need to feel safe and secure...what I would need to feel loved. I joked that I don't think the Lord could have prepared a better man for me...his response?  He got a little emotional and said that all the things that he had put in his 'damaged column' I am telling him make him a better partner for me...he can't believe it.

We both have realized that our previous marriages did not have any kind of emotional connection. There were different reasons why that was lacking...but the outcome is the same. We both struggled for many years in a marriage that was not equally yoked and we are now realizing how much more can exist in a marriage and in a relationship and what it means to have a partner at your side.

I find myself talking about intimacy a lot...ok...more than A LOT..because it is almost all I can see...I almost feel like...as long as he can love me..who cares...I will be fine...look what I put up with for so many years. I was talking to another single friend...she was saying...just because it is better than your marriage..doesn't mean it is right. Her marriage was probably worse than mine...she often jokes that I am better at being 'divorced' because my divorce became final in 6 months and she has been trying to finalize her divorce for over 7 years. She then said...dog crap is better then our marriages...just because it is better...doesn't mean it is what the Lord has in store...you deserve so much better than what you had. Wow...it really made me stop and think...she is right...I do need to take the time to make sure it is right and what the Lord wants.

So many people are telling me to 'go slow' 'make sure you really get to know him' 'get in an argument' etc....and since we haven't had a lot of time to be in the same physical space...they are right...we need to make sure that we love on a daily basis as well as be lovers.

Eternity is a long time...we can take some time to know that we are sure...

Dating update! Still have issues....online dating scams and helps.

Ok...I'm still trying to date...sigh...I hate dating!

But...if I ever want to love a man...I need to date.

I have to laugh at my college age daughters that make comments like..."If I want to meet people, I need to be sociable and go to activities."  Then they usually sigh and laugh...

Then here is a 'kicker'...my daughter says..."How come you have all these high standards and expectations for us (my two girls) but you don't have the same standards for yourself?" Ouch!

I think part of that has to do with what I want in a relationship is different than what they want. I am just looking for someone to love me and sit on the porch with me and grow old and giggle. They are looking for someone with a bright future (career), worthy priesthood holder, kind, caring, emotional connection, healthy, funny, etc. Is that bad?

Sometimes it makes me feel that I am 'still broken'...other times it makes me feel that I am settling...then it makes me feel that I am looking around and the men that are my age and single..let's face it...they are single because they have issues or have suffered a loss (of spouse). My girls talk about 'I don't want to marry a project'...and I think to my self...any older single man IS a project. I look at couples and see the power of a good relationship and the support of a caring spouse.  So yeah, any single many my age is going to have issues. But hey...I certainly have issues.

I do think there is a different level of acceptance of issues at my age...I am comfortable alone...therefore, if he needs 'space' or something, I am totally fine with that because I don't want to spend 24/7 with him anyway. I have children and friends and a job and a life. When young people get married it is ALL about spending that time together to 'create a life together'. It is very different.

I was talking to some creepy guys online...of course I thought they were fine until I realized they were not who they portrayed and were trying to get me to send their 'daughter' money in Nigeria.  Seriously? If you are trying to scam someone...why the heck would you think a single mom with 5 kid would have any money? Evidently, they were not 'good' scammers...lol.

It did make me think about how quickly I wanted to believe everything he said. He knew what women want to hear..."I have learned a pretty package is not always pretty inside - I find intellect attractive - I feel connected to you and want to share all my accumulated wealth with you and take care of you." Yeah...it was very appealing. When he asked me for money and I realized that he was a scam...he replies..."I never loved you either." Really, Wow...that was a surprise!  NOT! 

My stomach did turn as I realized he was not a real person...but I got over it.

It helped me to be more aware of 'signs' that a person is not who they claim to be...Like...they only had 1 or 2 pictures. Their English was not perfect (I believed when they said they were from Europe so I just figured it was 'English from Britain'. I asked if he was am American Citizen - he said partially because his father was from Germany and mother from England.  Seriously, I should have picked up on that one...how is someone a 'partial citizen'?

I even talked to them on the phone for a minute...it was a horrible connection...

Both crazy guys I was talking too..had lost their wives about 5-6 years before. One even knew basic stuff about the church...another said his grandmother used to take him to church and he said he was reading the Book of Mormon and was in 2 Nephi. Both had 1 daughter that lived in another country. Little/if any extended family...

Yeah..they knew what they were doing.

So...are there still any good guys out there?  Yes, I would like to think so...
But it is important to be careful as well...

So...if I find anyone special...I will definitely let you know!

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

Triggers and Tears...Now why am I crying?

When I was still married...my ex used to make fun of me when I cried. I was teaching Gospel Doctrine for a couple of years (this was when I think I was really starting to go down hill emotionally - I asked my counselor friend once why I would be asked to teach Gospel Doctrine when I felt so messed up - she said, "Maybe the Lord is trying to help you read your scriptures more?") I think she was right.  Anyway, at the end of almost every lesson, I would bear my testimony and I would feel the Spirit so strongly that it would bring tears to my eyes. I remember one day after church. I was sitting on the couch and my ex came home (he stayed after church for meetings) and he said to the kids, "Well, mom was crying in church again today." And the kids would like at me like, wow mom...what's wrong with you? So sad....my counselor friend told me that I was becoming more in tune to my spiritual side so it was stronger than I was accustom to and my ex was shutting his emotions out, hence he was extremely uncomfortable when I was emotional. His solution to that was to insult me when I was emotional.

So now...my kids hate it when I cry. I don't cry nearly as much as I did...but I still do cry and I am glad. My daughter on her mission has told me a couple of times that she is trying to be more comfortable with tears. Amazing the damage a parent can do, you know? I sometimes worry that my kids are afraid to feel their emotions, for fear that they will become emotional and cry and be made fun of.  Not good!

Anyway...I had to go to court the other day. My ex was trying to get child support out of me since another child has graduated from high school...yeah...because she doesn't cost any money now...whatever...

We were sitting with a lawyer/mediator before going in front of the judge and I was overwhelmed with sadness. It took all I could manage to not cry. I couldn't even look at my ex. I began to realize the sadness was coming from him. He was like this big black hole that was sucking all the goodness out of everything around him, so much anger and blame. I was realizing I didn't really care what the outcome was going to be, I just didn't want to argue and I didn't want to give him any 'fuel' to use against the kids. For example, he says my son never stays the night...true...but he comes by my house several times a week and 'raids my fridge' and I pay for his phone. So yeah...I'm supporting him...at least partially. But if I say that to my ex, he will tell my son not to come to my house...so I just kept my mouth shut. I guess it worked..because the judge denied his request. I kept wondering what was causing the tears...my counselor friend told me that I must be healing more. That maybe I could feel more of how the Savior feels towards my ex, sad that he is not making good decisions. Maybe. I know I didn't feel angry with him. It was weird to feel the tears come. I was trying to slyly (can you wipe tears away slyly?) wipe my eyes, I didn't want to look like some weak emotional wreck...but I didn't want to 'shut off' my feelings. I held it together. I would be interested now to see myself in a mirror while we went before the judge. Looking back now I think I was sitting as far away from him as possible while still sitting in the chair next to my ex. I am sure my body language was screaming..."I want nothing to do with this man!" I think I felt afraid that he would 'suck me into his negative hole'. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him. Sad...

The other day I was at my best friend's house and we were talking about dating and 'movie dude'. We were talking about control issues..I was realizing that I was still trying to 'control' things when I was with him. I would start to feel anxiety about if he was going to touch me, how he was going to touch me, etc. and so to get rid of the anxiety I would just start touching him. Well, he mentioned to me that he likes to initiate once in awhile. So that got me thinking about why I wasn't able to 'sit back' and let him come to me. I told my friend that I was feeling that any time he touched me I had to 'touch back' and to be touching him in a way that was hopefully pleasing/arousing. My friend then said, "Sounds like you need to keep your hands off him. Let him come to you." As I pondered why that seemed difficult, I began to cry. She asked me what triggered the tears...as I thought about it...I felt that I didn't deserve to have someone that would just want to touch me to show that he cared. To touch me because he just wanted to, not because I necessarily had to touch him back. He just wanted to 'give' to me. Then that made me feel like crap because I couldn't even let someone touch me and 'accept his touch' without thinking I needed to do something back, that I 'owed him' something back. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I guess it goes back to my self esteem and feeling that I am not worth loving. Sigh...I would really like to move beyond some of this...you know?

So, that brings me to today. He likes to work out at the gym and like I have said, I have been going to the gym myself. He asked if I wanted to come to the gym and we could workout at the same time. Sounds simple enough, right?  You would think so, anyway. I joke with him that, 'I'm not sure our relationship is at that level'. You know, seeing each other ugly and sweaty. He joked and said it would be fine. So...I decide to just go 'as me'. T shirt and shorts...no showered or curled hair. After all, he has been to my house when it was messy and didn't seem to care...so why try and be something that I am not, right? So...then I am driving to meet him at the gym and I start to cry. Granted, I don't necessarily enjoy crying...but I have learned that it is an indication of something and I will benefit if I can figure out what. I was trying to think about why I was crying (it was just a few tears rolling down my cheeks) and the only thing I could come up with was that I was allowing him to make judgements about my physical body and what I was doing. That he would be in a position that he could criticize me, or that I would not be good enough, that I would be doing whatever and he might tell me I am doing it wrong. It was weird...then I start having these conversations in my head (no worries, I am not crazy or possessed) with him. Afraid that he would laugh at me. Then I am trying to defend myself and tell him that it is hard for me because the track record of men in my life 'standing by me' is not very good. That made me think about my ex, about my brothers, about how I always wished growing up that I had a better relationship with my dad, etc. Yeah, I had a few more tears after that...

Finally I get to the gym. He texts me and tells me where he is. This gym is about 3 times as big as the one I usually go to. I am feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. I am afraid to go look for him. How stupid is that? So, I see him on a treadmill and I go into another room. I don't want to go up and bother him. I make some attempts to feel comfortable and start using some of the equipment. Eventually I am on a bike and he comes to find me. He was very sweet, gave me a quick kiss, smiled and chatted a minute and then he went back to his treadmill. He came back later to tell me he was about done and we set a time to meet downstairs. I play around on some machines and then I go meet him. I don't want to change clothes (didn't bring any anyway) I don't like changing in public locker rooms (garments and all) and I see that he has changed his clothes. Oh well, we shall see what happens....

He stands up and gives me a kiss, puts his arm around me (I'm still kinda sweaty) and he doesn't care. Ok, gotta say..that kind of surprised me. We pick a place to have lunch. I make a crack about my hair being 'real' and he tells me it looks just great. After lunch he walks me to my car and we kiss goodbye. Apparently, he doesn't care that I am sweaty and it is nice. :) Another thing, kissing is more fun when it is his idea...maybe I can learn to keep my hands to myself...at least until he starts things...Maybe he really does like me for me...all of me...good and bad.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Later I texted him and said I was glad he didn't care that I was sweaty...he told me sweaty can be good and he thought I was cute. It made me think about what my friend said (she met him last week) she said, "He's a keeper." As I am typing this part...I am almost tearing up. Thinking about how different my emotions are with movie dude compared to anything that I can remember feeling in my marriage. I think I am opening up my heart. Does this mean that I will marry movie dude? I have no idea. Does this mean I am not afraid of being hurt? Nope...I could be very hurt. But I feel that I need to be brave enough to try. If what I am feeling now is so much better than anything that I can remember in my marriage...I am not sure I can even imagine what it would be like to be married and make covenants with a man that truly loves me and the Lord. But I want to find out.

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

I am comfortable in my own skin...it is a good thing.

I have been reflecting on the fact that the last few months have felt pretty good to me. I am surviving the challenges of my X and my kids aren't driving me crazy...it is a good thing. :)

My X got a gym membership and all my kids are now members...I decided to join (a friend pointed out that it would help me to stay close to my boys) and I think it is a good thing. What has been interesting is that I have never been a 'gym goer'. I am not opposed to exercise...In fact I quite enjoy walking and such. But to sit and 'do exercises' has never been a big dream.

Well...that is changing. It is almost weird. I have enjoyed working out. I really enjoy it when I can go with my daughter and we talk and chat about how it makes us feel good. She talks about how she just wants to feel better about herself. I have to laugh sometimes when she will encourage me, telling me that 'you can go farther than you mind thinks you can mom...just distract yourself'. Then we both laugh at how we need more than an hour to do all the exercises that we need to do.

It dawned on me the other day while doing a 'hand bicycle' type exercise that I was enjoying the feeling of my body. It was kind of surprising....I was enjoying the feel of my muscles stretching and working. I was enjoying the strength I was beginning to feel and the power inside of me. It is a good feeling. I keep thinking about how my counselor friend told me that if I truly 'healed' I would be comfortable in my own skin and be able to 'stand tall and breathe' and I guess that is what I am feeling.

The other up side to it is that I can sit and listen to the scriptures or conference talks. Did you know that on the 'LDS Gospel Library' app you can search under 'institute' and find the CES firesides?  They are truly incredible. I will confess that I am not 'super attentive' to what I am listening, but I sure love the feeling it gives me and that makes me happy.

I am still dating 'movie dude'. I am not sure where it is going to go, and that is ok. I do not have to know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that it feels good to be around and with him. Maybe I am just to help him become a little stronger in the church? I don't know...But I am going to just follow the path that is ahead of me until I feel different.

I did warn him...'hooking up with me' is not going to be an easy road. I know that I will always have challenges in my life...getting married is not going to stop that. PLUS I have a 'psycho X' and 5 kids. He really needs to think about it...

I think the biggest improvement I can see for me is that I am 'calm' and feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. I know the Lord is there for me and will always be there for me. If I can't feel Him, than I need to move closer. I don't think I have ever felt this centered in my life...it is a good feeling and I want to keep it...forever...

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Feelings, connections, relationships - moving or just hanging out...

I am still dating movie dude and I enjoy his company quite a bit. It is really fascinating how my feelings are evolving. I love just talking to him and hanging out. It is ok if we talk and if we don't. (This is progress for me since I am often one of those people that become uncomfortable if there is silence - unless I know the person really well). We have gone to movies, basketball games, and last night we went to a play. I feel that he will 'look out' for me and take care of me and treat me with respect and try to do anything that will make me happy.

So what is wrong with this picture you ask? I'm not really sure. I do know that I am not going to figure out if I want to commit to a relationship 'over night'. So I am not sure if I need to know right now.

I was reading the blog of a friend and she had some interesting insight...Why are you proposing to me? She talked about relationships and the need to feel a decision should be made within a few dates on whether a man should be part of your life for 24/7. She made a great visual of the concept 'exploration' then decide between two options..no thanks or keep going...'more exploration'...no thanks or keep going...

I like the idea that just deciding to explore the relationship doesn't mean that you should get engaged, it means you need to 'explore some more'. So as I am thinking about this...I don't know if there is a future with 'movie dude'. I do know it is so very good for me to be around a man that is so respectful and kind. I like the way he opens doors and helps me on with my coat, he is always very attentive to me and what I am doing and willing to help with anything I might need. A girl could get used to that, you know?

Now I need to think about how I feel about him. Am I still hung up on intimacy? Unfortunately I think the answer is yes. We have kissed some and I am trying to stay 'present' and 'feel' when he is close. I think about if I need to worry about 'going too far' and I really don't think I do. I have no interest in having more serious physical relations right now. I feel like when we are kissing it is just a nice place to be. I tend to 'lead' and I am trying to stop doing that. I realize it is control issues and I need to be comfortable letting him come to me and not being afraid of him or anything that he might do.

He is a true boy scout so I don't think I have to worry to much about him doing anything inappropriate and I am so grateful for that. I do feel that I can trust him. But I also should not be stupid. I realize that 'playing with intimacy' is a stupid thing to do. So what am I doing? I don't know...I just know that I enjoy his company and I feel good knowing he cares about me. I was talking to my daughter about the power of men over women. I told her I feel that I am more attractive because I know a man cares about me and that 'thought' is irritating. She agreed and understood exactly what I meant. We discussed that was the reason that the Lord has said how evil it is for men to use unrighteous dominion over women and children. D&C 121:19-22 

I remember being in the marriage counselor's office...I was an emotional mess and I was shaking and quivering and my ex was getting mad at the counselor (I had told the counselor I was done - I wanted a divorce and I needed him to help me tell me ex) my ex was telling him that he was supposed to be helping us stay together not break us apart. The counselor looked at me and then my ex and said, "No woman that has been properly cared for would ever be in the emotional state your wife is in." That ended the conversation....


I feel confident that the Lord has a marriage to a good man in my future...I just need to walk the path until I find it. I think that I will be hurt. I think that I will have to 'put myself out there'. I will have to 'take a chance' and I will have to open up my heart. But I do feel that if I am willing to do all those things...I will be in a position to truly love someone...and even better...he will love me.

And maybe that is why it can be such a wonderful and beautiful thing when a man does love and respect women and especially his wife.

Friends...committed relationship...what's in between?

Ok...I am still dating movie dude...and I enjoy his company. He was very hurt by his first marriage many years ago and will barely talk about it. He did say that he doesn't ever want to hurt like that again and so he just 'nips things in the bud' before they can get serious. As a result, he tells me almost every time we go out..."Feel free to keep looking." or "I don't want to stop you from reaching your goal." or "I know you need a spiritual partner to go to the Temple with." or the best one..."I don't mind if you go out with other guys, I trust you." Sigh....

I have been thinking...there must be a purpose for him to be in my life. A reason that 'God put him in my way'...Anyone seen the movie The Four Feathers with Heath Ledger? I love a line from that movie, the main character is being helped by an unlikely friend and is asked why? The friend's response is, "God put you in my way!" I think about that a lot when I think about the men that have come into my life. I truly feel that 'God put them in my way' ...or as in the case of my 'Online Guy' maybe God put me in his way?

I think the purpose of movie dude is to help me understand what exists between a friendship with a man and a committed relationship. I don't have much experience in that area...and I am finding it refreshing. We enjoy each others company yet we are not limited to only interacting with each other. I know he isn't going out with anyone else right now...but it is interesting to think that it is an option. I am trying to process how this affects my emotional connection. Or if there is an emotional connection yet? I feel that I do not need to 'tell him everything' that I am doing. I am not 'obligated to confess' if I talk to another man. It is a very different experience. I do have to confess that I have a completely different perspective on the kids that 'dated around' when I was in high school and I am seeing the wisdom of that concept.

So I am looking forward to better understanding 'the in between' relationship. The ability to care about someone and not have it consume me. The ability to express affection without it meaning I am not 'shackled' to someone.Don't get me wrong, I would not feel this way if I was in a committed relationship, that is a different story. But I think it is a good place for me...a place for me to better understand my emotions and feelings.

Sigh...I am so not ready to get married....besides...if I wait another year and a half...I will have 3 kids over 18 and that will have a huge impact on the drama of my life...and I am thinking I need to start a marriage with as little drama as possible. I don't care how committed we are to each other...we need to be able to nurture the good...and have time to really bond and get to know each other. I think they call that...'Setting yourself up for Success!' That is what I want to do...I want my final relationship to succeed!

What makes relationships 'move quickly'? And my boundaries still suck....

Ok...I am dating my new guy...and he has said many times that pace is important and he moves slowly. Sigh...what the heck is that supposed to mean? What is slow? What is fast? Aren't I supposed to just follow my feelings? After all, what did NOT following my feelings do for me...or not even being able to 'feel' my feelings...nothing good. Sigh...I just don't understand anything between 'friends' and 'intimate relationship'. I feel like I am either 'in or out'....I guess that isn't what everyone else thinks?

So I started talking to my new guy...asking him WHO he is? Telling him that 'who he is' is different than 'what he likes to do'. We exchanged some good texts about things...I was asking things like, "What makes you cry, if anything?" "What makes you happy?" "What makes you feel good about yourself?" etc.  It is interesting that as he was answering I was realizing that these types of conversations are what 'deepen' a relationship. So I guess the more we talk about things the more connected I can feel to him? At first we were just doing dinner and movies for our dates...and it was easy to not feel that we were 'moving' in the relationship. But is was weird because we were going out at least once a week for over a month and a half. We would talk about all kinds of things at dinner, work, interests, etc. But nothing 'deep'. A few times I mentioned potentially 'deep or depressing' things such as my mom's death or my divorce and he would act like he wanted to keep it 'happy'. It was just weird for me because the other relationships I had online - that was the focus...share all the skeletons in your closet...and then see if it is worth the effort to see each other. But he just seems to want to 'hang out and have fun'. Hmmmm...that probably has some type of meaning that everyone else understands too...everyone but me.

Anyway...we went for a walk Saturday and I talked about some of my issues and he seemed ok with it. Then we were texting back and forth yesterday and we were talking about 'who' we are....so...maybe it is ok? I told him that I just want to be open and up front with things...and one of the things that is important to me is that I want to 'be understood' and I am not going to assume anything about anything.

Another thing that is weird is that I am seeing people in my ward as we are going out and then I feel that my kids should probably meet him, just to know who he is...nothing more. My plan was to not have 'men parade through the house' and not introduce them to anyone unless I felt there was a strong possibility that I would marry the man. The current man I am dating is no where near that point. So I am seeing him when my kids are with their dad. But I am concerned that the people I am running into will make comments to my kids. For example, "Hey, I saw your mom out with some guy...do you like him?" And of course, my kids would respond, "I have no idea, I have never met him." It just seems wrong. The best scenario would be to have him 'swing by and pick me up' and then have a quick introduction. But they aren't at my house when we go out...plus we just meet somewhere..he has never been to my house. So, I talked to my kids. I explained that I wasn't 'bringing home your new dad' but just 'we are dating'. They didn't seem to care, except my oldest boy (the one that lives with his dad) and he wants to meet him. He thought I should invite him over and make dinner and all watch a movie together. Yeah..NO...I'm not doing that. Sigh...I guess I'll just have to keep thinking about that one...

So, I think I am going out again with him on Thursday..it is kind of a 'permanent date' thing that we have been doing for the last month and a half. It will be interesting to see if he acts any different after all our discussions...the whole.."are we further along in our relationship" question. My online guy is always bugging me about I need more patience...I just need to wait...it will happen if I don't push it. I just don't understand how to do that...

What gets me is that I really don't understand where the boundaries are...I mean we are either friends...or we are dating and considering marriage...I don't know where the different stages or levels are..very frustrating as I try to not appear needy or pushy and I don't really know what I need or what I am pushing..sigh...

He has made a couple of comments about 'pacing' and I am just not sure what that means...I guess I am just thinking...I don't know how much I like you...and I have 'intimacy issues' so I want to know if you will freak me out if we kiss for any length of time and I want to know how I feel when you kiss me so I would like to kiss a bit (more than a couple of good night kisses) so I can actually have time to figure out how I feel...but then I think that I am violating some boundary...if I were to ask someone they would probably say..."Just do what feels natural...don't have any hidden agenda...no control issues" But I don't always recognize my control issues...and I am trying to 'feel' and respond to my feelings and that puts me back into the 'control issues' category...sigh..I guess I'll see if I 'scared him off'...I haven't heard from him today....

Tell me again why I want to do this?

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?

So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

Emotional Connections and Arousal...I guess they both matter?

I have been pondering the whole 'Am I aroused?' 'What is arousal?' 'Should I be aroused and I am not?' etc....

I even talked to my online guy about it.(note to self...don't share this blog with a potential boyfriend again) because he knows about this blog and of course after I talked to him he read all the things I have written. Sigh...it's not that it matters...I am going to keep writing what I feel...there is some healing that happens when I write what I am feeling. The process of putting my emotions and feelings into words that I can 'see' on a page helps me process. I don't know why it works, I just know that it does. And if by some chance, it helps someone else out there in the world..so much better!

Sexual arousal...man I wish I understood it better. I had a rather interesting conversation (messaging) with my online guy about it. I talked about arousal and kissing and not being aroused and knowing that I probably should be aroused and how come I wasn't. He asked me if I was aroused when I was kissing him. Good question...I think I was...but I am not sure...I was so full of anxiety and stress I was lucky I could feel anything. I remember just being amazed that I wasn't freaking out and I was relaxed around him. That started me thinking about if the arousal was different and if so, why? I really don't think I was able to feel much when I was with my online guy because my brain was so full of 'he won't hurt me...it's alright...just kiss him...breathe...it's ok if he touches you...you might enjoy it...he isn't pressuring you, etc.'. I think about the kind of energy I was picking up from him and I don't think I was getting much of anything. Part way through he made the comment, "if we weren't members of the church we'd be half naked in the back seat". I think about that sometimes and wonder how come I didn't feel any anxiety with him. I didn't sense that he wanted more or even wanted me. I felt that he was just trying to 'help' me and he knew I wanted to 'make out' and see if I could do it before I gave myself an ulcer over the anxiety. I wonder if he was suppressing feelings because he thought I would freak out if I picked up on it. Which I might have...I don't know.

Then I think about my 'make out' guy. I remember feeling some control with him that was different. I could tell that he 'wanted' to be with me and wanted whatever I was willing to give. I know that I didn't have near the emotional connection with him compared to my online guy...maybe that is part of it. Maybe I was using him to satisfy my physical desires? I know that I was feeling good knowing I was making him happy, but that is probably part of my 'pleaser' personality. (Some day I would really like to get over some of that) As I talked to my online guy about my 'make out guy' Yeah...it was a little weird...but I am glad I did. We discussed whether it was 'control issues' or not. I think that is part of it. I feel in complete control with make out guy...at least most of the time...there were a few times when I wasn't sure what he was doing and I remember freaking out for just a minute...it was bad enough that he looked at me and asked if I was ok. He asked if I was worried about what he was going to do...it was just a shift of position kind of thing...but I didn't know what he was doing...so I think part of my problem is control issues. I think I am not afraid or nervous if I am in control...and make out guy was always so happy that I was giving him attention that he was content for me to do whatever I wanted. I had made a couple of comments about my past...so he knew I had issues...plus I think that he was not treated well by his previous spouses...and was a 'hen pecked' husband. and that made him trigger different emotional cues from me. He was just so thrilled I was treating him so well he was not going to complain.

So....I told make out guy I would never be able to commit to any type of relationship with him. Sigh...kissing was great..but obviously not enough. My friend keeps telling me I need to quit thinking 'hot sex' and think...Who do I want to grow old with? Sometimes I remember that...but after suppressing my emotions for so long...I just do NOT want to push my feelings and emotions in some corner somewhere and ignore them.

I still have my new guy that I am dating. I think we are going out this week. I am enjoying the 'intellectual' connection. I am having fun getting to know him. He is very 'old school'. I offered to make dinner for him in a couple of weeks when my kids are all gone. (I don't often have my house to myself...so I thought I would try and take advantage of it) He said it was a wonderful offer, but perhaps a little premature...then he reminded me that he moved at a 'glacier' pace. Maybe that is what I need to not 'rush into intimacy'. It is not necessarily what I want...but often what I need is not what I want, you know? I think about how I have enjoyed talking to him about whatever...he told me he was not a big 'texter' but I have seen a dramatic increase in the amount of messaging I am receiving...so I guess you are never too old to learn :)

So...where am I now? Wishing I could have a romantic, physical relationship with a man that has an emotional and intellectual connection to go with it. Which means it needs to be someone that lives close and wants to be with me. I have been thinking a lot about some of the things my 'online guy' said. He told me that if I can find someone to touch my mind and soul...everything else will fall in line. I hope that is true...I want to have someone that is 'equal' to me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, (with physical sprinkled through out). That doesn't mean they have to be 'the same'. It just means that we can relate in all those areas. That he can understand my emotions and support me when needed and I can do the same for him. One of my friends was telling me that all women want the same thing...we want to be wanted. I, for one, now know that being wanted is a wonderful thing.

I went on a 'real' date....

Met a new guy. He messaged me online and his first message was actually a complete paragraph!

He talked about movies and other things..we messaged back and forth a couple of times and then he asked me out (he is local). Man was that weird! I can't remember the last time I just kind of met someone and then went out. I realized that I knew almost nothing about him...we had dinner and saw a movie and it was nice. We chatted about all kinds of things..family, interests, growing up, jobs, etc. I was proud of myself for being able to hold a decent conversation and not be all neurotic and weird. I feel like he is someone I could be interested in and we went out again last night.

So this is what I think...online relationships are very different than your standard generic 'meet someone and let's go out and try and get to know each other'. With my online guy..when I finally met him he knew pretty much every skeleton in my closet...and he didn't care...he still liked me...so there was a different anxiety when we met. I wondered how much of what I imagined him to be was real and how much was fantasy. I wondered if my connection to him was based on what I perceived him to be and I worried he would not be able to live up to what I hoped he would be (who can live up to a fantasy?). With the second guy I went out with it was a little different...we knew the basics about our past relationships and I had an idea of what he was like. He didn't know about all my issues but we both knew enough to know that we both had some. With the man I just went out with? I almost feel like I know 'nothing' and it is kind of weird. I don't know what happened in his first marriage...I don't know how active he is (he joined the church about 10 years ago) and he is a little shy. He hasn't really talked about his feelings about church or past relationships...so parts of getting to know him are much slower...and other parts are much faster. I guess it is just different.

Here is a weird side note...I feel like I can't make a decision when I am with the newest man I am dating. He has asked different times where I would like to go to eat or what I would like to eat and I feel like I can't make a decision. I was thinking about it on the way home...he was trying to be nice and ask me where I wanted to go and I seriously could not decide. I think maybe it is because I don't know him well enough...I am such a 'pleaser' that I want to know the parameters that exist and what he likes before I can make a decision...I want to make sure it is something that he likes. How weird is that?

I will say that the man I just met is easy to talk to. I am able to enjoy his company and I want to get to know him better. I guess it is true what they say...you need to be careful about getting 'physical' too fast. It is certainly a different experience to get to know someone 'in person' first. Sigh...who would have ever dreamed 6 months ago that I would have 3 men interested in me?  Yeah I know...pick up your jaw off the floor...

Then there is the intimacy issue...my latest man is very much a gentleman...opens doors...the first time he called me he said that he wasn't comfortable talking with a woman he didn't know after 10pm at night. Wow that was weird....so we have been out twice...and I have shared a couple of innocent kisses good bye and that is it. Man is that different from my 'make out' guy that went from our first date to kissing during the movie to long periods of kissing...sigh...I still am not sure how I feel about intimacy.

Still surviving....my inner child is preparing for a mature relationship...

I am still dating this other man...not my online guy...he lives too far away...

He wants to make some type of commitment and I don't. I feel like I really need to explore my feelings and being in a committed relationship isn't going to let that happen. I guess part of it is that I feel that he likes me more than I like him. I have never felt that before. Not that I haven't ever had someone like me before that I wasn't attracted to...I guess I just really haven't ever had any type of emotional connection with a man before...well..not until last summer.

When I think about the man I am dating...I think about how 'on paper' we would be a good match. He has been to college and is taller than me...has a stable job...etc...But I think I want more than that this time. I want there to be some fire! I want there to be some passion and excitement. I want it to be real. I want to be able to disagree and feel that strong emotion and then be able to work it out and feel an even greater sense of love. I want to know that I can be myself and be angry and have crabby moods and I will still be loved. Don't get me wrong..that doesn't mean I will be that way on purpose...but I want to feel that I don't have to hide my emotions. I can be me and still be loved. I want a man that will stand beside me. I think dating is helping me to understand exactly what it should feel like.

I am going through some interesting periods..for awhile I felt that I 'needed' someone so bad. That I had to find the man for me and be with him and it would help me to lighten my load and I would be happier. I would not be alone. I don't feel that way now.

I feel that life with a righteous priesthood holder that cherishes and adores me is better than being alone. But I am also recognizing the impact that 'bringing a man home' would have on my children. Maybe it is important for now for me to just be open to the idea? Maybe I just need to be 'willing' to be in a relationship?

I remember being on a date and we were standing in line to get something to eat. He put his arm around me...and it was the strangest sensation. I felt my body relax and I leaned a little toward him. I suddenly realized how hard it has been for me to stand alone and on my own. I understood at a deeper level how incredible it would be to be able to share that burden. To allow someone into my life that would support me and be there for me, as I would be there for him. How that connection was something that never existed in my marriage. Granted, I am a lot older now and my feelings have changed as far as understanding what a relationship is...I look at other couples and see how 'connected' they are and it is like I can see the path it took them to get there...it is like they have been through some real struggles and come out on top. That is what makes a wonderful relationship. They are truly committed to each other and to their relationship.

I saw the movie "Enough Said" (2013) with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. One of my favorite lines as they are going back and forth trying to figure out if they have a relationship that works..she did some things that hurt him and he tells her..."You didn't protect us" it makes me think that a relationship is a living and breathing thing that must be fed...nourished...and protected.

I think it is something that I am gaining a greater desire for...and it is worth striving for...but I don't think I can commit myself to anything right now. And for now, that is ok :)

This time around I want the real deal...you know?

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

How the heck am I supposed to know if I am in a relationship? And what is intimacy?

I am still talking to the same man that I talked about in my last post.  This is what I have learned.  Dating sucks! Online dating is easier in some ways...but it is still hard to 'put yourself out there'...and when you start talking to guys it is hard to figure out if you 'have something' because he is not asking you out or anything.

So...I went from sending the occasional message that gets a response in a day or so to chatting on facebook with my man.  Can you say 'amp up the relationship with lightning speed'? Wow...just being able to talk about whatever and get an immediate response had a huge impact on what we were talking about.

I can't remember (or maybe I don't want to remember) how soon the conversation turned to sex and I started 'dumping out' my issues. My concerns about having him touch me if we meet, how I want to have a healthy intimate relationship but there are going to be a few bumps in the road. If I think about it it is embarrassing how much information I shared.

The other weird thing is once you bring up sex...because we have both been married before it is easier to start talking more and more about it..the more we talked about it the easier it became to 'keep in my head' without those feelings of 'fight or flight' and I realized that here I was talking about wanting to do all these intimate things and I was not afraid. I was not feeling the fear and panic that I had felt over the last few years when thinking about sex and/or my abuse...so we talked some more...then we realized something...it is hard to figure out what is ok to talk about and what is not. Applying the Law of Chastity on adults that have been married can be tricky.

When I was married I talked about and did all these things and it didn't affect my ability to teach a lesson on Sundays. It had no effect on my spirituality.  There was nothing wrong with talking at all. But now I sit and think if my teenage children were saying the things I was saying I would march them down to see the Bishop. Dating the second time around is just plain weird.  So after a few 'sex conversations/fantasies' we decided to back off a little and then I noticed that as we shared 'dreams/fantasies' with each other it became more about how we felt towards each other. It became how we hoped that if we got married our children would get along and we would have fabulous memories of times spent together. As I was pondering the difference in what we were sharing I was also trying to understand what I was feeling. I began to notice a difference in how I felt about all the 'sex talk' compared to the sharing of dreams talks. I began to feel a warmth in my heart when I thought about him and it seemed so much deeper than the arousal feelings. I thought about how caring he is when he tries to answer my million questions and how important it is for him to understand me. I began to feel a warmth that I had not experienced before. I have decided that it is the beginning of intimacy. I feel it is a connection to him combined with a feeling of desire and arousal.  Wow...I have really been missing out in life. This feeling just kind of warms my soul. I am thinking intimacy is something I will like.

I was talking to my visiting teacher and she has a similar background to mine and she loves to 'sum up' after I talk to her. So she says, "what you are telling me is that you feel the joy of intimacy and want to experience it with him? And you are realizing that it feels good to experience these feelings?" Yeah, that was an understatement. I don't think I have ever felt what I am feeling and I haven't even met my man yet.

Now...don't get me wrong...I realize the danger in developing an emotional connection with someone that I haven't met yet. I realize that instead of the 'truly stud man' I see in his profile it could be like the identity theft commercials and be some punky kid or an old lady or something. So what I am doing is truly trying to 'feel' when he talks or messages me. I am looking to see if he is trying to exercise 'power or authority' over me. Trying to control me...my man is not doing that. I am looking to see if he is avoiding certain questions that I am asking or trying to hide information. My man is not doing that. I am trying to see if he is 'getting something for nothing' out of the relationship...for example the fact that we 'stopped' talking about sex and he is still right there waiting for me is a huge indicator that he is who he appears to be.

Have I met him?  No.
Do I sometimes thing he might be something different than I perceive?  Once in awhile..
Am I going to 'commit' to him before I meet him? No...
Am I falling in love with him?  Yes.
Do I think the Lord helped me through all the trials I have endured the last couple of years  to end up in a failed marriage? No.

So...what do I do?
I stay aware of my spirituality. I 'feel' how I am doing and what I am thinking.  I will be in tune so that I may hear the desires of the Holy Ghost.

I have never had someone communicate such love, patience, compassion, and desire. He makes me feel that his happiness is aided by him pleasing me. Wow...what a concept!

Oh yeah...he is kind of hung up on 'communication'. I think he said it in every sentence the first day or 2 we were talking...but I gotta say..I think that is why we are where we are in our relationship. It just might work.

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!