Still better than I imagined and I am feeling more

So...we have known each other for over a year now and been married for over half a year. Things are going awesome!

We have had some struggles with our kids - but the best part is none of them have ever even started a comment about 'why did we marry?' I know they can see how happy we are with each other and how different our lives are. I like that part of it.

The down side is that we don't have the privacy of learning more about each other in a home where we are alone. Several of our children live with us and some have returned from college. Some days I feel they are watching us like hawks to see how we are dealing. I think my kids are worse because I was single longer. They don't remember as well when their dad lived with me. We were laughing with his daughter about how we never had an argument. ...yeah....we had our first argument that night.  It was weird in that I didn't cower like I did in the past. I didn't shut down and refuse to talk. We were both upset and took a break - then I went back downstairs and we talked and it was ok. I am so used to pouting and being passive aggressive but I really tried to be a little more mature. He can just let things 'roll off his back' better and was just giving me space. After a few days we had it figured out. Now we both know that we don't want to argue - and we will try to make sure and give the other person the 'benefit of the doubt' and listen a little better. Aren't arguments always about silly things and misunderstandings? We are closer now because we know our relationship is more important than a silly argument.

Intimacy has been interesting. I still am not as relaxed as I wish...but I am getting there. I am pleasantly pleased to learn that I am feeling more than when we first married. It is almost weird..as I was trying to become more in tune with my body I started having all these weird aches and pains. In the past I was known for having all kinds of bruises and such and never knowing where they came from. After I ended up at the Dr for a few different aches and pains I realized that I appeared like a hypochondriac and then my husband mentioned that I was feeling more and he was touching me lightly and I could feel it. I had to laugh to myself as I realized that I wasn't a hypochondriac but I was starting to tune into my body more and it was a little intense sometimes. Very interesting feelings. I think one of the most exciting things about that is that it reminds me that I can change and that my past will not define me. I still don't have a lot of feeling inside but everything else is becoming more sensitive, so I am not giving up.

My girls are loving the fact that he loves, respects and cares about them. It just warms my heart when I see them talk to him and laugh and he says that he loves them and they say, "I know" It's a good thing. They see he isn't perfect and has things about him that bug them but they see how much he loves me and how happy I am. My son that has always felt 'outside' with his dad adores him.

My daughter was dating a guy that had some stuff to deal with and he was hesitant to go to counseling. She told him, "My mom was really screwed up and she went to a LOT of counseling and now she is able to love deeper than I ever thought possible. Go get some counseling!" I am still trying to decide if that was a compliment...lol!

I had a friend that has just gone through a terrible mess with her marriage and she started her problems when I was getting married. She didn't want to spoil my happiness so she just kind of distanced herself. Her divorce is final now and she told me....I needed to see you so happy!  Then she said, I had no idea how lonely divorce was....I am so sorry. I smiled at her and said, "Don't you remember how often I would tell you how much I appreciated your friendship and time and how you would come up to me and hug me??  Now you know how much it meant." We never know what we are able to give to others.  I pray that this blog helps other women to know that there is always hope in love and Our Father in Heaven always has a plan for us. Don't ever give up!

As I sit her on the couch...thinking about my life...realizing how far I have come...I know it was painful...but it is like I almost don't want to go back and read about my past. I have been able to put it in a box...I understand it better...I can see the strength I received from my Heavenly Father and I know that my Savior never left my side. He lives and I know it with every fiber of my being!  Don't ever give up on His love!

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

Counseling makes me crazy!

Ok...my counselor was on vacation...so I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks. I have been seeing her once a week for over 6 months..I probably missed a week here or there for holidays...but not many.  My guess is it has been a very relaxing 3 weeks for her...I felt that I was doing pretty good...until now. I have my appointment tomorrow...

I just don't get why I can't figure out the rules of the client/therapist relationship. I get angry and frustrated all the time and have all these conversations in my head with her and I usually end up getting mad at her for whatever comes to mind. It is like everything she says is going to make me angry...sometimes I think it is because I want her to care about me...so I want to make her mad so she then communicates that she cares I guess?  Man it makes me feel messed up...I guess it is all the boundaries crap I just can't get...

I feel that there is so much to talk about...I called and asked if I could have 2 hours scheduled...the secretary called back and said she wants to stay with one hour...this, of course makes me think I drive her crazy and she can't stand to talk to me. Then I wonder if she just hates the days that I come to see her...if the times she suggested I go and see someone else if it was because she really doesn't want to talk to me...then I wonder if maybe she does like me and wants to help but it is part of the whole 'boundary' crap and she knows that I won't get stronger if I don't have the ability to stand on my own two feet. She can't be my friend and I hate going into her office and wondering if she is going to be open or if she is going to have her 'emotional wall' up and sit there and watch me freak out? It reminds me of the time I was griping to her about 'her having her wall up' and she says, "Do you have any idea the energy you bring in here?"  Of course I respond yes...but I really don't...I have no idea how my energy is perceived...I do get the drift that I have quite a wide spectrum of energy...but even that is based on what?  My perspective...and what is that?  What is my point of reference?  I have no idea...

I sit and think what I am going to say tomorrow..everything from when she opens the door and says hi...to when I have to walk down the hall to her office...I am just glad it isn't very far...I want to say so many stupid, smart aleck things...and what is the point of that?  What good will that do me?  If I try to be mature for a minute I realize that she is a counselor, it is her job to listen to me and help me figure out ways to better deal with my emotions...so..is she supposed to be my friend?  no...it is just weird to try and figure out how I can share all my secrets with someone and have that person not mean anything...

I am trying to figure out if I should discuss some of the sacred things I have experienced this last week...so I send her an email and ask if her office/building has been dedicated like the churches are? My counseling friend talks about how her office is a sacred place because people share their innermost thoughts and that each person deserves respect as a child of God. I figured that would be a reasonable question...her office is part of LDS Services next to DI so I was wondering if the buildings were dedicated...but no response..

That made me mad...granted I used to send a ton of emails but I don't anymore...and it was a simple question...why couldn't she just answer it?  She made the comment a couple of visits back when she said I was acting like a kid...then she said she expected it because a lot had been happening...and it was no big deal..well..I am thinking I am really going to be acting like a flippin idiot tomorrow...I feel that I want to be true to my feelings...but I would also like to act as if I have some sort of control of my emotions...

Ahhhhhhhh.....I hate it when I get like this!

Then I want to just shut down and not say anything...but that doesn't help either...then I get her lecture of 'why do you come to counseling?' 'What do you want to get out of therapy?'

How the hell should I know what I want? I'm screwed up, remember? I just don't want to feel this way anymore...that's what I want...

Man...some days I wonder if I will ever get out of therapy...

Ok...I have been thinking about it...I am glad I am going to counseling...it is just hard...but then...(of course) my counselor did say it would be hard...nothing like being warned...

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

Disassociation and Loving My Children...sigh...

Well...my daughter leaves on her mission in a couple of weeks...I am very excited for her!

Of course this means that she has been spending all kinds of time with me and seems to LOVE simply being around me...oh yeah...it figures...NOW she loves me :)  Now that she is leaving for 18 months....kids....

This started me thinking...(yeah...I can hear you say...EVERYTHING starts me thinking)...I started thinking about how I feel about my daughter...and I am realizing that my love for her is getting deeper...I am truly feeling connected to her...someone mentioned to her at the Temple that she didn't look like a 'first timer' and she was so proud of that...she responded..."Well..why should I be nervous...I went to prep class and you were right there taking care of me." That started me thinking about trust...and emotional connections...and how much I love my kids and the fact that I have always felt in the back of my brain that I didn't love my kids as much as other parents did...I know when they were little and other parents would miss their kids so much when they would leave them...like girls camp or whatever...I was never one to miss my kids...It just added to my list of things I was a failure at as a parent...

I am starting to wonder if I have been holding my kids 'at arms' length'?  Am I so afraid to love that I can't even love my kids?  Do I disassociate when my feelings for my kids gets too intense? Is part of my son's frustration (the one that lives with his father) with me the fact that he is extremely sensitive and feels that I don't love him?  Wow...that one could hurt deep...

I remember my counselor saying a long time ago..."I remember when I read your profile, I thought, here is a woman that thinks her divorce is all her fault." I think she told me that when I was trying to understand the depth of my X's addictions and their effects on me and our family. I am wondering if her opinion has changed since all my 'dirty laundry' has come into the light? I am SOOOO tired of feeling that everything is my fault...that I am all messed up...that I have all this 'work' to do to be stronger emotionally...that so much of my life is screwed up because of the abuse that happened to me...I just want to live my life...but I don't have my life because of all the 'baggage'....guess that means I better go to my counseling session tomorrow....

Counseling, Core Beliefs and Trying to Move a Mountain....(otherwise known as change)..

Ok...survived another session of counseling...
So here is what I have figured out...for whatever reason...when I was a child I understood that my opinions weren't as valid or important as the opinions of those around me...who knows how I came to this...but it resulted in my becoming quite perceptive to the emotions and thoughts of those around me.  I would then 'tune in' to others and try to do what I perceived that they wanted. This evolved into me feeding my self esteem on the ability to make others happy...in case you are curious...this is not a recipe for success.

I still don't know how my abuse started...but I can better understand why I didn't have the ability to say no or get away from him. I think that is why I felt I was a willing participant (that and the fact that I had disassociated from the pain and fear)...it was what he (my abuser) wanted.  Sigh...

My counselor talked about how 'confusing' it must have been to feel that I would be happy doing what other people wanted...but then when I was doing it it wasn't happy at all...sometimes I hate it when she does this..it is like 'Wow..that must have been so confusing for you as a small child..you couldn't process or understand it?" It is like she is almost 'baby talking' and I am sitting there nodding my head yes...part of me thinks she is trying to make me think that the thought has just occurred to her...but it is more likely that my healing is just following a textbook...and she is pretending to just 'realize' this stage...that is the part that bugs me...I don't know if I am just like everyone else that is trying to heal..basically going through the same stages..if so...dang!  Give me the textbook so I know what is happening...but that will probably 'interfere with the process'...and I won't learn for myself.  I hate it when you have to 'reinvent the wheel'. (Kind of like my job as a teacher...I am so tired of 'reinventing the wheel') Gotta say...sometimes growth sucks!

Then my counselor talked about how I would come into counseling (I have been in counseling off and on for almost 3 years...I didn't really start to deal with my abuse until about 8 months ago)...she talked about how I was so programmed to 'pick up on the emotions of others' and then I would come in and be almost obsessed with trying to figure out what she was thinking...so I could figure out what I was thinking...and she wasn't letting me in. I felt that she had an emotional wall up to block me from understanding what she was thinking and feeling...I couldn't see or feel what she thought..so I had no idea what I thought...it was like I had gone deaf (disconnecting as a child to my own feelings and emotions) and had learned to adapt...then I would go into counseling and suddenly I was also blind. I remember feeling void of any emotional input. I was putting out my feelers and getting 'nothing'. Extremely frustrating, in case you didn't pick up on that, to not be able to get any feedback from what I was doing or trying to communicate. She went on to mention that it sent me right back to being a kid, emotionally...I am pretty sure I would be embarrassed by how I acted sometimes in counseling...but hey...what can I say...nothing I can do about it now. So, of course, my counselor goes on about 'how frustrating that must have been for you' back to the baby voice...yeah...like getting frustrated at counseling was a concept I hadn't pondered or experienced...NOT!

So then we were talking about 'core beliefs'. This is another chapter in Mind Over Mood that talks about what your basic belief is (mainly about yourself). For example one of my core beliefs is that if anyone 'knew about my past...they would think I was a bad person and not like or approve of me'...this, of course, led me to constantly feel that my counselor hated me...because I was telling her all my 'dark secrets' and then I wasn't getting any emotional feedback to give me a response or reaction to how she was thinking...I didn't have any information to change my opinion...so...presto...she must think I am a loser and hate me. This is another example of a thought pattern that does not...shall we say...set you up for success or nuture a positive mental state.

So...what do I do to change these thought patterns that I have clung to for so many years...apparently it is ok if I don't 'get over it quickly'. That is comforting...because I am pretty sure I won't. I came up with a couple of phrases...one is..."I was sexually abused and the Lord loves me:" If I stick in the word 'still' or 'but' it doesn't count...because that changes the meaning of the phrase...it implies I don't deserve it. I did come up with this on my own...I guess that is good...my counselor seemed pleased...(but that implies that I am getting my answers through the impressions and thoughts of others...so I'll have to see how it works for me :)

My counselor asked me what I thought got things moving and changing in my head...that was easy to answer...when she told me she wasn't going to force me to do anything...then I heard/felt the emotion in her voice when she said, "You have been forced to do too many things in your life...I won't do that to you...not here...not in this room."  I think I will always remember how hearing that pulled me out of a fog...I did write a poem about it...one of the 'cleanest' poems ( I wrote it all out in about half an hour and only ended up changing a couple of words - very little pondering of what to say it just seemed to flow) "What is Trust?" I am still not too sure why it had such a huge impact on me...maybe it was the compassion in her voice...especially after so many months of 'no emotional feedback'. There was a desperation and sincerity in her voice...as if it was very important for me to understand that she truly meant it. I asked her at my next appointment why she said it so strongly...she said she just felt really impressed to make sure I was 'hearing' her.. I think she was feeling frustrated that I wasn't progressing, or trusting her, or whatever she was expecting me to do...there I go...feeling like I am not doing what people expect of me...that is another habit/core belief that I need to break...but one thing at a time...

She asked me how understanding that trust changed things...I said it gave me permission to be me...I was free...and I didn't know I wasn't free...until she said it...So...I guess I am making good progress...I still feel that a big chunk of my 'anxiety/depression' has dropped off and is gone...it has been almost 2 weeks and so I figure that is a good thing...

Next step, I guess, is to repeat my little phrases and see what it does...

I wouldn't say I trust my counselor completely...but I do think I am making progress...

Oh yeah...still haven't crossed over my wall...guess I am a big chicken!  I'm going back to the Temple in a couple of days...that might help!

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...

Is there a shift? I am feeling different....I still have a wall...

Today is kind of weird...I can't quite figure out how I feel. I know that I am feeling more peace that I have felt for awhile. It is kind of nice really...I am working on being in a place where I can sit back and see what is happening. I don't want to 'react' to things...I want to 'act' I want to be able to see a situation and then feel what I should do...I want to follow the inspiration the Lord is sending me...it is fast Sunday...I think my ward is tired of me sharing my testimony...I feel that I do it too often...yet I know that I have something to share..something that stirs my soul..sigh...

I am still working on trying to 'feel and hear' the Holy Ghost. I still sense that I have a wall that prevents me from truly feeling and believing what the Lord wants me to know. I know my counselor asks 'why did you put the wall up?' or 'Do you still need the wall?' and I guess my first response is...'No, I don't need the wall.' but I still feel afraid to not have it and I am not exactly sure how to bring it down. Some days I seem to be able to feel it...walk along it...run my hand over it...it seems to be white with a little bit of soft pink color. It is high...reminds me of the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group that left society and sent the blind girl to get medicine from the 'towns'. I wonder what is on the other side...I like to think that I can imagine anything that could be there...hence, there should be no surprise...but then I get back to..I don't know what is there...

I was reading the book 'Visions of Glory' (as told to John Pontius) and he talks about his work with abused children. He talks about Christ's role in the healing of children that have been abused. "to go with them to those dark and evil places in their hearts and to retrieve them - snatch sometimes, or coax them, with the help of Christ - out of that darkness into the light. They experience a type of being born again. When an adult or child will submit to this process and allow me to act as Christ's agent in guiding them through this, they are healed of that abuse completely and permanently..." (page 64)  He talks of being able to see your self as Christ sees you. Maybe that is what my problem is...I am afraid to go all the way 'down' and therefore I cannot fully 'come out'?

I wonder if this means I need to truly understand and comprehend my abuse...I think I 'skirt around' it sometimes...not fully realizing what it is...not wanting to comprehend...trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad...I have asked my counselor why my abuse was 'so bad' and it becomes one of those conversations that turn into..."If I tell you it won't have the same significance as you finding out for yourself". I hate those kind of conversations....

Well...maybe this is something for me to ponder today as I fast...and perhaps it is something that I can address in counseling this week...

Counseling is not for the weak minded...sigh....

Was I invisible?

Ok...
I was doing EMDR stuff the other day and talking about issues with my brothers and she asked me how I was feeling when my mother died when my brothers and I had problems...and it kind of came around to me feeling 'invisible' because it was apparent that my desires were not a concern to anyone...sigh...it was nice to be able to 'label' what I was feeling...but it isn't a very good feeling...

Then I was talking to my counselor about not being comfortable yet with dressing nicer and feeling that I am drawing attention to myself. Talking about feeling that I am aware that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am worthy I am a definite 'presence'. People will look twice at me as I walk by...not in a 'wow you are hot' kind of way but...'who are you?  I sense something.' kind of way...I am not sure if I like it or not.

So...here I am pondering all these things and then it clicks...When I was being abused I felt that I could not say no or not participate...I was invisible...my opinion didn't matter...I was the person that tried to keep everyone happy...but my opinion was not very high on everyone else's priority list...that is why I am so self conscious...that is why I don't like drawing attention to myself..that is why when my mother died and I was in the middle of dealing with all of this I was not going to allow myself to be invisible...it is kind of weird when some of the balls I am juggling drop into place.

This is combined with being extremely sensitive to the emotions so I was always feeling guilty about everything...this person wants this...that person is sad...I should do something to cheer up this person..etc..
So I guess I came around to thinking that keeping others happy was more important than keeping me happy. Or if I wasn't keeping others happy I was miserable and feeling guilty...

As you can imagine...this reminded me of how long I have been going to therapy...let's just say it is more than a year or so :) and starting to wonder if I am crazy...

Then the counselor said something cool...she talked about how I was a good person that had a lot of stuff going on (boy is that the truth) and I was dealing with my stuff so I could better be in tune, so I could do and be what the Lord wanted. I really liked how that sounded...that is a lot better than thinking I am just crazy.

I talked about how I feel I have this wall between me and truly feeling the Spirit of the Lord. I wish I could 'blow it up' but I don't know how to do that either...

All and all I guess my counseling session today was better than it could have been. I was seeing a different counselor...my normal counselor had some family stuff and is gone for a few weeks...it was kind of fun in that this counselor doesn't know all my mind tricks...my disassociation (if she did notice she didn't say anything) I mentioned it a couple of times...but it was kind of fun to think that she didn't know how to read me as well as my normal counselor...a nice break.

Before I left...we were talking about the need to be strong in the last days...she said something that I am really trying to take to heart. She talked about the gathering armies for the last days...those that were gathering on both sides of the veil. She said she felt that I was getting my stuff taken care of so that I could better 'feel' so I could better follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost...and that I was being drawn to those armies because that is where I belong...it is a cool thought...

The Morning After Drama..I will deal with it on my own.

Ok...it is a new day...it is raining...washing all the old away...

I was thinking I should go to counseling...but my counselor had family stuff come up and is out of town for 2 weeks...I have talked to another counselor in the past..so I called this morning and was going to try and see her.  She usually works today...but...wouldn't you know it...she isn't in today.  I guess the Lord wants me to stretch and solve my problems myself...or at least with His help.  I wonder how I will do?

I am going to talk to a lawyer this morning. I have a 'one time' consultation through work, so I will do that and see what information I can get figured out.  At least it is a plan and something that has the potential to help me out.

I have been feeling calmer...I am still very frustrated with the whole scenario but I am trying to deal. I am going to the Temple tomorrow and I want to be in the right frame of mind to be ready for any insight or inspiration the Lord wants to send my way.

Here is a down side...I am (obviously) very sensitive to emotions and what is happening around me...well...my daughter is just as bad if not worse...she came in this morning truly upset...couldn't figure out why...saying how she could barely function...I joked that she just described how I felt (we have discovered that she is an emotional sponge) and I told her she needs to 'quit picking up my vibes'. So now, since I don't have enough guilt...I have to worry about messing up my daughter...sigh...I will say it makes me wonder if I was as sensitive as she was before my abuse. Kind of adds a new dimension to how much it would have messed me up and why my brain 'shut it out'.

So...where do I go from here?  I talked to my bishop last night...he said to not worry about money for my daughter's mission...I need to take care of my kids and if I need help they will help. That was nice...I was surprised how upset I became when thinking about how it will be harder for me to 'support' my daughter on her mission because of her father's actions. I am not sure if that is control issues or pride...

He can still 'trigger' my emotions...

Oh my gosh...I wake up this morning...frustrated about court yesterday...angry that my children don't have a dad that cares and find out he is sending info to my brother and his brother and mother trying to make them think I am not doing my part to support my son that lives with him...REALLY>?>??>!?!?!?!?!?

Need I remind him that I am working 2 jobs and he is doing nothing?

It would be so awesome if it back fired and his brother and mother told him to 'buck up and be a man' and support your kids....I am not sure how 'Christ like' that thought is...but for right now...it would be really AWESOME!

I am mad at myself that he can trigger all this emotional response from me...when he left court...he 'booked' it down the stairs..looking back at me a time or two..probably afraid I would throw something at him.

I really want to get my emotions under control so he can't have the power I have given him any more...it is reminding me of when I was first trying to deal with my 'abuse' and every time I had to interact with him I would just fall apart...I am so tired of doing that...

When I think about it I haven't 'fallen apart' for quite a while and considering all that has been happening...that is saying something. I wonder why I did this time?  Is part the fact that I want my daughter to go on a mission and not worry about finances? Or that "I" (control issues) want to be the one to help her? Is it because he is hurting me through my kids and using them?  I am thinking about the money...he has sent me 3 emails asking when he is going to get his 'support' and I feel that he just wants to feel that he has 'won' and I have to 'pay'. And as far as my daughter and her mission... I know it doesn't matter who helps her...I just want to do my part...but I guess there is some control issue stuff there too...no surprise I guess...

I mentioned in counseling my thoughts of 'can't win for losing' meaning ...if I get the kids to counseling...maybe they won't be so mad/hurt at my X...then they will want to see him...which means that they will spend more time with him...which means less time with me...and I could easily interpret that as rejection. So by encouraging counseling I am actually 'sending' the kids to spend more time with their dad...and to think that he doesn't think it is necessary...

Really? Here I sit worried about my kids having a great relationship with their dad and then...he is such a jerk...wow...I surprise myself...

I guess it keeps getting back to...I want to do the right thing...I know the Lord is aware of me and my children..He knows what we need...if I am doing my part...he will provide...

Remembering Memories and Easter

Well...it was another exciting day in my life. I was spending a lot of time in the car driving yesterday and that of course gets me thinking about all my 'issues' and sometimes it is nice because it is 'uninterrupted thinking/pondering time' and that is hard to find sometimes....sometimes it is just frustrating because I can't stay focused...yesterday I was able to stay focused...

So...I am thinking about my abuse and realizing that a memory of a house I thought I was babysat in as a 4 year old was a memory of the house of my abuser (I didn't live next to my abuser until I was 5). I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 3 or 4 and I remember being at someone's home and being terrified to come out from behind the couch (I remember a lady kept asking me if I wanted something to eat...if I wanted to come out...she would sit nearby and was reading a book or something to keep an eye on me) The explanation I put to the memory was that I hadn't been to her house for a long time and I was a very shy child and there weren't any other children there...Now I am thinking that was not what really happened...

Well...I kept thinking about this memory and trying to figure out what it truly was.  This, of course, got me thinking that maybe I was abused more in my neighbor's home than I remember (which I am sure is true since I don't remember how my abuse started and I am pretty sure I didn't just ask the boy next store to 'shove stuff up in me' or try to freak me out, hurt me, and scare me). Then I realized that I was 'massively disassociating' whenever the abuse was happening...which would explain why when I would think back to the memory that I was feeling that I was a 'willing participant'. I had always had the thought in the back of my brain that I must have wanted it at some level because I couldn't remember any fear or pain or anything else...I realized yesterday I was not a 'passive participant'.

Then I started feeling my body react as I was thinking about all of this...the strangest sensation was in my 'private areas'...I tried to play 'counselor' and think how my counselor would react...what she would ask me...trying to get me to 'identify my feelings and put it into words' and I realized that the sensation I was feeling wasn't a 'good sensation' (as in sexual arousal that was accompanied with 'guilt' and wondering if I 'wanted my abuse') but rather a heightened sensitivity in 'anticipation of pain'...this added to the intensity of the thought that I was not a 'willing participant'. It also added another dimension of the 'reality of my abuse' and that my mind really has blocked out things that are horrible...that is just a weird concept...to realize and accept that I was sexually abused to the point that my brain had to 'block it out' to protect me...I felt like I had just 'dropped down' another layer...towards getting to the real memories of everything that happened to me as a child.

This was a very new idea as you can imagine...as I was thinking about it...my heart began to race...my breathing became shallow...about this time I show up at my counseling session...they always want me to fill out those 'how are you feeling' surveys...I said no (did you know you can say no sometimes?  Kind of empowering..I just gotta say)...I didn't want to fill out the survey...I pulled out my 'scribble notebook' (I have a couple of different notebooks...this one is for me to get my thoughts out...I'll burn it when it is full) I began writing like mad to sift through the feelings and organize my thoughts in my head...

As I am writing I realize my heat is pounding, my chest is tight, my breathing is rapid and shallow...and I am shaking like crazy...it hits me again..."what kind of hell did I live through that is causing my body to react like this?"  "I am a grown woman...this happened over 40 years ago"

Well...I got most of it out and was able to organize my thoughts a little in my head...I was a little 'flustered' as I began my counseling session...but I think all and all I was able to handle it very well...and that was HUGE!

I talked about it with my counselor and even moved on to some other things...so I guess I truly am healing...wow...what a concept...to 'be ok in my skin'.  That is my goal....but...life keeps happening...

I even had enough together that when I got home (my daughter had invited another family over for dinner) I was able to act reasonably normal and had a nice time...

I figure I better handle it when this stuff happens, especially since I keep praying to remember what happened...I want the Lord to know that I can handle it if He opens my mind and helps me to remember...If I can't handle it...I better quit asking for it...

Now the kids are in group counseling...I have 'co-parenting' counseling again tonight...my X invited me to his family's Easter Party..the girls told me I shouldn't go (I don't want to go anyway...they all hate me thinking I have 'destroyed' my X) because it would just give my X hope.  My girls tell me that he thinks I have just gone temporarily insane and will come back to him if he is patient...SERIOUSLY?  Wow....

My friend told me the other day she was thinking about me when she read in the Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." And let me tell you...as I ponder over all that has happened this last week...I feel it is so true...it just keeps coming and coming and coming...and amazingly enough..it doesn't scare me like it used to. I truly feel that it is because I know I am not alone..

I was reading Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage and I loved the line in chapter 33 "...For those of His chosen ones who were true to Him, the Lord had no feeling less than that of the love and of yearning for their victory over Satan and sin." Oh how I want to be a 'chosen one' and make the Lord proud of me and the things I have been able to accomplish...I can't even imagine the joy that would bring...

This morning I was reading about the atonement...as I read Doctrine and Covenants 19:18 "...Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain." I thought back to yesterday and how I was trembling because of remembered pain...Now don't get my wrong...I am in no way saying what I have experienced is anything close to the atonement...but I will say I have a teeny, tiny bit more understanding of the pain that He felt...what it feels like to 'tremble with pain'. And I know that He paid the price for the sin of my abuse...He has taken the burden and pain of my past off my shoulders...He is helping me to feel whole.  He is my Savior.  He is there for me. I willl do everything in my power to be near to Him so that I may feel His love and influence through the Holy Ghost...for I know that THAT is the only way I will be able to return to Him and our Father.  And that my friends...is a goal worth keeping! I can testify of that in His name, the name of Jesus Christ!  He is real and He lives!

Meeting the Little Girl Inside Me

I am feeling lots of different things...I am feeling that 'pit in your stomach' sometimes related to stress...sometimes related to anticipation of bearing your testimony...sometimes just stress...I am feeling excited...I am feeling calm...I am feeling peace...I am feeling anticipation...most importantly...I am feeling and I am not afraid!


I am thinking about 'bonding' with the 'inner child within me' that was abused so long ago...I think I really want to now...I have thought about it before...but I don't think I was ready.  I never felt like I knew what to do...what to say...how I could comfort her...how I could protect her...what I could do...

I am a little scared that it will bring memories...I am not afraid to have the memories...just anxiety about what those memories might be...you see...I don't know how my abuse started...I don't know what happened the first time someone violated me..I keep thinking something must have happened before the boy next door started molesting me. He and I were the same age...I figure we must have been 6 or 7 years old (can't remember exactly when it started)...I am sure he was being sexually abused also...there is no way he would have the desires he did at that age unless someone was violating him...I can't see myself just going along with it..I wonder about people of my past...family, friends, anyone...It just seems that something must have happened that I have blocked out...I keep telling myself there must be a good reason for me to block it out....My memories of my abuse start when I remember the boy next store having so much control over me I would do anything he wanted...he had me convinced I wanted it and I would get in trouble if I ever said anything...

But I think about meeting her...that little girl that seems so scared and alone...both of us reaching to meet in the middle...her wanting to trust me to take care of her..me wanting to be with her and protect her...this time I will protect her.  We will not allow anyone to mistreat us again.  Funny how I like the idea of 'we'...part of me thinks it makes me psycho...part of me thinks it is a step towards healing...I guess I'll have to see which one wins...

I wonder how I am supposed to meet her?  I guess just visualize?  Imagine her...think about her coming together with me...the old 'hug yourself' seems kind of lame...

Well...lots of feelings are bouncing around...I'll have to see what happens...sigh...

Thursday 2/28/2013
I felt her close last night...I wondered how I could 'connect'...as I drove to work today...I began thinking of one of my abuse experiences...the one that I can remember better now (see enhanced memories) and I began to feel how scared she was when it happened. I remember thinking how confused she was to try and understand why someone would want to hurt her. I began to cry myself. I remember saying over and over this morning in my head..."Why would I let someone do that to me?" "Why didn't I stop it?" "It hurt me so bad, yet I did nothing." I began to feel that I was once again blaming myself for what happened. I began to think about how hard it is to forgive myself...I was less than 8 years old when it started...yet I still blame myself...She does not feel as close today...perhaps I need to work on forgiving myself...maybe I blame her? I am going to the Temple tomorrow...I hope to gain some insight or at least some spiritual support.

I was thinking last night...I am finally at a point that I really want to 'bond' with her. I want to feel complete...and I am trying to convince myself that I will take all the additional 'baggage' that will come with bonding with her...whether it be additional memories, horrible recognition, feeling things that were done to me, or even things that I perhaps have done.  I think that is the big issue..fear of something I might have done to start the abuse...but then I tell myself I was such a little girl...how could I have done something so wrong that I would need to be so afraid as an adult?

That is one of the big mysteries....

Friday 3/1/2013
Went to the Temple today...prayed a lot about how to process what is happening and how I am supposed to 'bond' with the girl inside of me. Made some attempts to 'self tap' (tapping myself - alternating hands - I tried on my chest and on my knees - chest is more intense) tried doing it while reviewing some of my 'emotional baggage'...I think it helps...I just don't feel as 'stressed out' or have the 'anxiety monologue' like I used to after pondering my 'issues'...and that is a good thing.

The answers I came up with (with a little inspiration) are:
*I need to reach out to her without feeling any guilt or shame.
*I need to reach out to her.
*I need to 'share' at least one of my abuse experiences. (I think I will do this in counseling...my counselor talked about her role as a 'witness' to what happened..to support me...so I am thinking that I need to truly 'share' not just regurgitate the facts with an emotionless tone...that will be hard...I think I'll take a blanket to my session...I can use it to comfort me physically...so I can 'stretch my comfort zone' emotionally.
*If I can deal with my guilt and shame (I know...do you believe I can still feel that it might be my fault?) then I will be in a position where she can feel safe. (and yes...part of me still feels like I am a 'nut case' talking to myself...but...hey...if it works...I'll try it) She needs to feel safe and protected before we can 'bond'. 
*I think connecting with her will be key in my 'taking back' my heart and feeling all I want to feel again.
*Maybe we can meet in the middle and help each other find a happy balance between a loving heart and a intellectual mind.

So...going to spend some time tomorrow with my kids and Sunday is fast Sunday...I'll write my letter and see how it goes at counseling on Tuesday...

Sunday 3/3/2013
I am working on the letter to the 'little girl' in me. Interesting concept...I am trying not to feel like I have a split personality...every time the 'little girl' is mentioned in counseling I am always asked, "What would you say to her? What does she need to hear? What would you say if you knew a little girl that this happened to, what would you say?" So I am writing about that..

I am thinking about the experience I remember the best and it is weird...it seems to be taking on a role like an abuse scene in a movie. Perhaps it is just starting to feel more real to me and that is the shift I am feeling. I was thinking it wasn't going to be that big of a deal to share with my counselor...but then..I always seem to think my abuse was no big deal.  When will I ever learn? Maybe what I am feeling is an increase of the emotion attached to the event. I visualize myself telling the story and it is becoming more alive. I hope it doesn't get too weird..I need to go to work tomorrow.

Wednesday 3/6/2013
Well I gave my counselor my letter...she ended up reading it to me and we talked about how I was feeling about it. It went ok...I think mainly because I had sat through the Temple and prayed so much about it. I do think I feel closer to that part of me that 'slipped away' so many years ago... Last night my daughter was talking about her mission...trying to figure out who is going to pay for what...and I just felt so overwhelmed with love and I thought to myself...'we at least collided' and it was nice.

I have been debating about posting the letter I wrote...well...in the hopes that it will help someone else...here it is...

March 3, 2013

To the Little Girl Inside of Me (otherwise known as me),

This letter is to help me connect with you…I want to try and figure out how to bond back with you, but I am not sure how to do that. I am asked what do I think you need, what do I wish someone would do to me. If I could, I would scoop you up and hold you tight and rock you till the tears stop flowing and you believe how much you are loved. But since I can’t do that, I think I’ll start with talking about how you came to be and who you are. It is important that you understand these concepts.

You came to be when I was being sexually abused. I don’t remember how the abuse started and I have gaps in what happened, but I know that you can remember it all. I know that you are afraid and alone and don’t know how to make it better. I understand why you would be afraid, what happened to us was very wrong and frightening.  It was the wrong actions of another person, actions that took place because bad things were happening to him too. I think you went into hiding because it was more than you could handle and I appreciate that you protected me when we separated. You took those memories that were too painful for me to bear with you so I would not be afraid. When I married, it just made it worse for you and pushed you farther away, I know that and I am sorry. Things are different now, I am older and I am no longer afraid. I want you to come back; I promise that I will never allow anyone to hurt us again. One day I hope that you can share those missing memories with me and I can help you, so you will no longer be afraid.

Who you are is more important than how you came to be. Who you are is a beautiful daughter of Our Heavenly Father who loves you very much. You also have some special talents and gifts that you are not able to share as long as we are apart. You are a fighter than never lost her faith in Christ. You never stopped protecting me; you never got angry at God or turned away from Him. I will always be grateful for that. You are a huge reason that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. You have always helped me to feel when His Spirit is near. You have an incredible capacity to love and forgive others, which is why I never got angry with anyone over what happened to us. This is how I know that you are strong, you can love, you can grow, and you are not weak.

The biggest reason that I want us to be together is that I need you. You hold a very special part of me. You hold the part of me that can ‘truly feel’ the love of our Elder Brother. When we were together we were young and His Spirit was strong. We could feel when He was close and could recognize Him. When we separated, you took that part of us with you. I am sure it was to comfort you and help you to not feel afraid, but you don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am beginning to remember how His Spirit felt and I long to feel it again. I can remember His warmth and love. You kept that incredible capacity to love and feel His Spirit with you. I hope that when we can get together you can share with me that part of my heart that can ‘truly feel’ all the wonderful things that exist in the world to feel.

I have an idea that may help us ‘get together’. I think one of the barriers between us is guilt and shame. It is easy to take on the guilt of what happened and tell ourselves it was our fault. This causes even more shame as we think we could have stopped it and we realize how horrible the abuse was. It is humiliating to think that we would let someone touch us and hurt us like our abuser did and not fight back, it just seems wrong. We tried so hard to be good, so why would we do something so bad? But the part we are forgetting is that we were so young, we did not have the ability to tell him no. We did not understand why someone would want to hurt us like he did. He told us it felt good, but it didn’t. We tried to understand it as he would tell us how it should feel, but it just didn’t make sense to us, that is when we started to split. Something inside of us knew it was wrong and that is where our guilt and shame started to grow. We let the guilt and shame take over and it has followed me my entire life. I want to get rid of it.

So, here is my idea… I have been trying to remember the most traumatic incident (that I can remember) as much as I can these past few days. I am trying very hard to think about everything, how I felt, what it looked like, what I was thinking, everything. I even sat in the Celestial Room at the Temple the other day and tried to go over the entire incident while praying to Our Heavenly Father to help me rid myself of the guilt and shame. I prayed to lay my guilt and shame at the feet of our Savior who died for us. I am thinking that I could ‘share’ the experience with my counselor. By share, I mean to have a dialogue, she could ask me any questions she wanted and I would ‘share’ by telling the story with feeling and emotion. If I revert to simply regurgitating the facts, it won’t count. My counselor would be a witness to what happened to us and help us to make sense of it. I am hoping that this experience will help us both to comprehend that we had no responsibility for what happened. I think we filled the hole you left behind in my heart with guilt and shame…if I can get rid of the guilt and shame there will be room for you to return.

I feel that if I can do this, you will see that it is safe to come back, perhaps we can meet in the middle? Then you can share your heart with me and I can help protect you from further harm. Together we can be an incredible tool in the hand of Our Savior and help make the world a better place so others don’t have to separate like we did. Or even better, we can help other separated little children to find their way back so they can be whole.

I know you are getting closer to me, I can feel you getting stronger so I think we are on the right track.

Me

As I go back and forth wondering if it is all really true...or just wondering if I have a 'split personality' I visualize 'where she is' and I feel that she is very near. I remember before I would always envision her down a dark well...or way off in the dark...always far away and alone and scared...I don't see her like that now...I feel like she is right next to me...

I think of the movie Sybil with Sally Fields and at the end she meets her 17+ (or however many) split personalities that her mind created to help her deal with the abuse...and the camera backs off as she is greeting each one...and we see Sybil laying on a blanket with her counselor and hugging herself and the counselor is saying..."As Sybil welcomes the different people into her heart she is loving and accepting herself" (or something like that) and so it makes me feel kind of stupid to want to 'hug her' but if you notice the beginning of the letter...I say I am told I should do for her what I would want done to me...then I say to 'hold and rock her till the tears stop flowing'. And I think about how nice it would be to have someone hold me and rock me and help me to feel loved and let me cry my tears out...but I guess I don't have anyone physically that I can do that with...

I have had a dream about my mom (she actually is around quite a bit...kind of nice that she understands everything and I don't have to explain it) and I remember sitting next to her telling her everything and being aware that she was dead...but we were interacting and chatting...then my son woke me up...(Sunday afternoon nap time) I remember feeling so frustrated that I woke up and it was over...and I remember thinking...maybe if I go back to sleep real fast...I can go back to my dream...it worked...and I remember feeling so happy that I could finish talking to her..then I said to her, "Mom, I wish I could hug you...but I know it is just a dream and you are dead"...she smiled and put her arms out to me...I will never forget as I reached out to hug her and I could truly 'feel' her hugging me and loving me. Maybe I need to have that dream again...

Thursday March 21, 2013
I have felt a presence the last week or two...I am not sure who it is...for awhile I thought it might be my mom but it feels different. I think about it and I see in my head myself sitting on a bench and someone sitting right up close to me...right up next to me...someone that makes me feel warm inside and loved...I can think about it and the feeling comes immediately and I feel loved....I figure I'll just go with it for now...

My counselor asked me about my letter...if there was anything else to talk about...I don't know...there is a part of me that thinks...how incredible it would be if there was a part of me that I could bond with and it would make me feel more loved...if it could open up my heart and help me feel the Spirit more...how could that be a bad thing...I know the presence I feel is female...is it the 'little girl inside me'?  I have no idea...

I know it is someone that cares about me and that helps me to feel stronger and do what I feel it right.  So I am grateful for her.

Today on my way to work..I got thinking about things...some days I commute more than others and so on the days that I drive farther I often will sing hymns, primary songs, or my favorite Afterglow song Help Me Find The Way..."Father, Canst thou hear me?  Do my words pass by unnoticed in the air?  I've bared my aching soul to thee...I've struggled in my misery and I'm wondering...is someone really there?"...I LOVE this song...Anyway...I'll sing bits and pieces of this song or others...and I usually get a little teary eyed...and this morning I felt my mother again..I haven't felt her as strong as I felt her this morning for a few weeks...I was again brought to tears feeling overwhelmed with her love and knowing how proud she was of me.  I guess she knows how hard it is right now having to see my X every other day in all the counseling and kids activities that we are doing...it was nice.

I also learned that the presence I am feeling is not my mother...maybe it is part of me...part of my heart that has been closed off...that I haven't allowed myself to feel...I just know that I like it...so I'll try and be content with that.