Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?

I am comfortable in my own skin...it is a good thing.

I have been reflecting on the fact that the last few months have felt pretty good to me. I am surviving the challenges of my X and my kids aren't driving me crazy...it is a good thing. :)

My X got a gym membership and all my kids are now members...I decided to join (a friend pointed out that it would help me to stay close to my boys) and I think it is a good thing. What has been interesting is that I have never been a 'gym goer'. I am not opposed to exercise...In fact I quite enjoy walking and such. But to sit and 'do exercises' has never been a big dream.

Well...that is changing. It is almost weird. I have enjoyed working out. I really enjoy it when I can go with my daughter and we talk and chat about how it makes us feel good. She talks about how she just wants to feel better about herself. I have to laugh sometimes when she will encourage me, telling me that 'you can go farther than you mind thinks you can mom...just distract yourself'. Then we both laugh at how we need more than an hour to do all the exercises that we need to do.

It dawned on me the other day while doing a 'hand bicycle' type exercise that I was enjoying the feeling of my body. It was kind of surprising....I was enjoying the feel of my muscles stretching and working. I was enjoying the strength I was beginning to feel and the power inside of me. It is a good feeling. I keep thinking about how my counselor friend told me that if I truly 'healed' I would be comfortable in my own skin and be able to 'stand tall and breathe' and I guess that is what I am feeling.

The other up side to it is that I can sit and listen to the scriptures or conference talks. Did you know that on the 'LDS Gospel Library' app you can search under 'institute' and find the CES firesides?  They are truly incredible. I will confess that I am not 'super attentive' to what I am listening, but I sure love the feeling it gives me and that makes me happy.

I am still dating 'movie dude'. I am not sure where it is going to go, and that is ok. I do not have to know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that it feels good to be around and with him. Maybe I am just to help him become a little stronger in the church? I don't know...But I am going to just follow the path that is ahead of me until I feel different.

I did warn him...'hooking up with me' is not going to be an easy road. I know that I will always have challenges in my life...getting married is not going to stop that. PLUS I have a 'psycho X' and 5 kids. He really needs to think about it...

I think the biggest improvement I can see for me is that I am 'calm' and feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. I know the Lord is there for me and will always be there for me. If I can't feel Him, than I need to move closer. I don't think I have ever felt this centered in my life...it is a good feeling and I want to keep it...forever...

What is real and what is fantasy? And yes...dating still sucks....

Man I wish I could figure out what I am supposed to be doing and with who....

Ok...my online guy is still far away...the practicality of a relationship is slim. But dang it! Anytime I start thinking of going out with someone else...it just isn't the same...it isn't as deep...I don't feel as connected...I struggle to stay interested...

I have been trying to figure out what I feel and I am not having much luck.

I do realize that my online guy has had a lot of time to connect and create an emotional bond. I know that any new relationship will not be as deep, how can it be? There hasn't been the same time investment...

So...now what do I do? I feel that I love my online guy but I don't know if I like him or not. I don't know if that makes any sense. It is like we dated backwards...when through all the sexual stuff (I had to throw my abuse out there for him to see), then the emotional stuff (how would he handle it and me), and then we talked about if it could work if we got married (moving, etc.), I feel like we really need to just 'date and hang out' and see if there is anything there...I just keep thinking of all the time we have both put into our relationship and how come he keeps 'hanging in there'? I mean, no one can be that bored, right?

Plus I ponder how fair it was to him to have to deal with 'all my crap' and not get much good out of it...and now I realize that as I date...my abuse is not the first thing I have to talk about, nor is it 'in my face'. So...it makes me want to start over with my online guy...but again...he lives too far away...sigh..

I feel that he can 'handle me'. He can help me back off when I get carried away with things. He can 'slow me down' when I am going crazy. I feel a strength when I am around him and when he is 'truly talking to me'. It is this inner power that he has that I don't think has ever come out. He has this incredible potential to be someone special...and I don't think he has had the support to become that person. Of course, I want to help him be that person. I feel that we bring out so many good things in each other...we are a compliment to each other...but I just don't truly know him...

I do realize that a large portion of it is probably fantasy and all in my head..and that can't be healthy. How much of what I 'perceive' him to be is real?  I feel so comfortable talking to him...even if I am annoyed..there is this underlying feeling of security that I haven't experienced before. This sense of, he will always be there. Granted I get annoyed because he won't commit to anything (yes...I am sure that is not good...if he truly was interested in a relationship with me...he would tell me) but even if I 'vent' to him...a day or so later he is back..."Hello"....sigh...

So...I guess I will just keep moving forward and trying to figure out what I am feeling...in the meantime I am trying to 'be there' for my kids and listen to them when they talk. I guess that is at least something...

I am trying to get my mind on other guys...but I can't find one that 'stirs my soul' like him...sigh...maybe I am comparing everyone else to a fantasy...

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

What does it mean to 'connect emotionally'?

What is an emotional connection?

I sat and looked at what I just wrote and decided I had no idea what an emotional connection is...so I googled it..I like the response I found. (Here is the link - What is an emotional connection? ) It talks about being open and trusting...oh yeah...trust..I am so NOT good at that.

I have been pondering my feelings lately...I have to admit I have had deeper feelings than I have had for a long time. I think it is nice. And yes...this is connected to my 'online guy'...sigh...

I have been thinking about my heart. Because of my abuse I 'shut down' a pretty good section of my heart and I didn't allow myself to feel so much of the good in the world. I have learned that your heart is an 'all or nothing' kind of thing. I do not have the ability to decide what I can feel...I can either feel practically nothing...or everything...ok..I can probably work up to 'everything' and I know I am making progress but I am not there yet. But the point is that I know I can't 'selectively choose' what I can feel. So...opposition in all things 2 Nephi 2:11 so if I want to 'feel' the good, I need to 'feel' the bad...yeah...like I want to do that...I do wonder if I will have more abuse memories come back as I 'open my heart'...but I don't dwell on that.


Back to my feelings...

First...in my current 'almost relationship' at first it was fun to think that there was someone that wanted to get to know me...and when we started chatting instead of email messaging through the online site things moved a heck of a lot faster. Once we started talking about sex (mainly because I was so paranoid about all my issues and concerned about being 'present' if I was ever intimate again) feelings started getting stirred up.  At first it was just 'hormonal teenager stuff' but then...the more he would listen to me...talk to me...ask about me...heck...he has even read most of my blog...I know he has because he would ask me questions about different things I had posted. The feelings began to get deeper...and I have to say...I like how they felt.

I had issues at first thinking I had my 'mind in the gutter' and if my kids were thinking the things I was thinking I would want to march them down to the bishop's office. But I realized I needed to 'process' at some level the concept of intimacy. I finally realized that I was not thinking about 'sex' to get aroused and feel that 'high' some people get...but I was wanting to feel and express 'intimacy and love' to someone I feel cares about me.

I realize that because of my X's issues...this was the biggest part of what was missing in my previous marriage. And I think the 'emotional connection' is the basis for allowing 'intimacy and love' to grow. I keep thinking about what my counselor friend said..."So what you are saying is that he 'hears you' in a way that you have not experienced before?" and yeah...I guess that is it.

I had some friends over last night to watch a movie...we watched, 'Freedom Writers' and it got me thinking quite a bit about 'being heard'. As I was watching the characters 'change' as they realized their teacher cared about them...I thought about myself...how important it was for me to 'be heard' and as I was getting all 'caught up' in how influential the teacher was in the movie...how wonderful it would be to make a difference in the lives of kids...then I thought about my own kids...how hard it has been for them to not have a father and mother in the same home that offer that structure and support...how independent I see them becoming (which isn't always a bad thing) and how they must 'long' to be heard as well.  As I sat there I could feel all these emotions stirring inside of me. I started feeling this love deeper than I have felt before...I began to pray, asking Heavenly Father what it means. Wondering if this means that the guy I am communicating with is someone that is going to truly be a part of my life? Wondering if all 'these emotions' I am feeling and then imagining how much more intense they would be if my 'guy' was actually here in person...and trying to decide if that is what I am working towards?

I do know that I am experiencing feelings that are new...and I like them (for the most part) and I am hoping I will have the opportunity to truly love someone and have that person love me just as much. I would hate to think that I have 'uncovered' all these emotions and stirred up all this desire to have someone to love and hold and share my life with then not have the opportunity. I was talking to a coworker yesterday...he changed jobs and I won't be working with him anymore...he asked how I was doing. He is an English teacher and I shared some poems with him to get his 'opinion' ( he did think I had some poems that should be published...which certainly made me feel good) so I knew he was asking 'more' than just 'how is your day?'

I told him about 'my guy' and he was so happy for me. He told me how exciting it was for me to (if nothing else) to truly experience a connection with someone at such an intimate level. He talked about how 'rare' it was to find someone that you could truly connect with and how wonderful it was for me after all the garbage I have been through...

So...I am thinking I am starting to understand at a profound level just what an 'emotional connection' is. I will say right now...if I marry again...it will be to someone that I am emotionally connected to...that is for darn sure!

Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....

Meeting single men, dating? porn? When to ask...is it a deal breaker?

I must confess...'creepin on guys' (as my daughter calls it) has been fun now for a couple of weeks. But...the whole relationship issues are stirring up all kinds of stuff...

Ok..so I was having fun messaging a guy that really wasn't ready for anything more than friends...that was nice. I can handle that...then he makes me his 'favorite'. I still am not sure what that means...and then he changes his profile and says 'the water is too cold'. Well...what are you doing making me a favorite?

Ok...another thing I am noticing...guys don't seem to answer half the questions you ask them...what is up with that?  Isn't the point to get to know people? Aren't you on the website because you want to 'get to know people'?  Well...how the heck are you going to get to know them if you don't TALK to them?  Seriously, how will you know?

So...I email the guy and make sure I haven't given him the wrong impressions...I panic for a day or so...you see, I had talked about pron...then it occurs to me that maybe HE has porn issues...and now he is mad...and then my mind just spins off from there...

But I think about the fact that if he does have porn issues...is that a deal breaker?

So...my first reaction is YES!  No way in hell will I live with someone that cannot connect with me emotionally...that will cheat on me in their mind...I will not relive what I just got out of!

Then...I think...how many guys will that eliminate from my options?  Is that a bad thing? What if they have truly gone through the repentance process? I have seen those video clips that the couples sit there holding hands and talking about how they never thought they would make it...but they stuck together and now their relationship has depth they never imagined...

That, of course, makes me think I was such a failure in my marriage...that I gave up. I was the one that walked away. But I think the difference is that those videos have men that were willing to admit their problem and 'work' towards overcoming it...I don't think my X was even close to that. I keep thinking of him yelling at me in the car...asking why I would leave him...telling me, "I have never cheated on you with a man or a woman, well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count."  That doesn't sound like someone that is repentant and trying to change...you know?

Anyway...back to dating...

Wow...I have come full circle...I wrote down about 3 months ago that I would never allow a man to touch me intimately again...and here I am...stressing about wanting a relationship with a guy I have only seen pictures of and read a profile. To make it worse, I don't even know if it is true. Combine this with the many spiritual and uplifting experiences I have had over the past month or so and it pretty much screams to me...I need to pursue the idea of finding a man...

Then...I get thinking about the fact that there are so many women out there that are single...smart, beautiful, incredible women...what makes me think that someone as damaged as me has a chance?

Then I start thinking about how damaged I am...

I ponder what really went wrong in my marriage...my abuse issues...

Sigh...I think that might be a whole new post...

And to think .....I WANTED to come to earth to experience all these emotions and have all these 'mortal experiences'....wow...must be some kind of greater good at work..that is for sure...

Counseling makes me crazy!

Ok...my counselor was on vacation...so I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks. I have been seeing her once a week for over 6 months..I probably missed a week here or there for holidays...but not many.  My guess is it has been a very relaxing 3 weeks for her...I felt that I was doing pretty good...until now. I have my appointment tomorrow...

I just don't get why I can't figure out the rules of the client/therapist relationship. I get angry and frustrated all the time and have all these conversations in my head with her and I usually end up getting mad at her for whatever comes to mind. It is like everything she says is going to make me angry...sometimes I think it is because I want her to care about me...so I want to make her mad so she then communicates that she cares I guess?  Man it makes me feel messed up...I guess it is all the boundaries crap I just can't get...

I feel that there is so much to talk about...I called and asked if I could have 2 hours scheduled...the secretary called back and said she wants to stay with one hour...this, of course makes me think I drive her crazy and she can't stand to talk to me. Then I wonder if she just hates the days that I come to see her...if the times she suggested I go and see someone else if it was because she really doesn't want to talk to me...then I wonder if maybe she does like me and wants to help but it is part of the whole 'boundary' crap and she knows that I won't get stronger if I don't have the ability to stand on my own two feet. She can't be my friend and I hate going into her office and wondering if she is going to be open or if she is going to have her 'emotional wall' up and sit there and watch me freak out? It reminds me of the time I was griping to her about 'her having her wall up' and she says, "Do you have any idea the energy you bring in here?"  Of course I respond yes...but I really don't...I have no idea how my energy is perceived...I do get the drift that I have quite a wide spectrum of energy...but even that is based on what?  My perspective...and what is that?  What is my point of reference?  I have no idea...

I sit and think what I am going to say tomorrow..everything from when she opens the door and says hi...to when I have to walk down the hall to her office...I am just glad it isn't very far...I want to say so many stupid, smart aleck things...and what is the point of that?  What good will that do me?  If I try to be mature for a minute I realize that she is a counselor, it is her job to listen to me and help me figure out ways to better deal with my emotions...so..is she supposed to be my friend?  no...it is just weird to try and figure out how I can share all my secrets with someone and have that person not mean anything...

I am trying to figure out if I should discuss some of the sacred things I have experienced this last week...so I send her an email and ask if her office/building has been dedicated like the churches are? My counseling friend talks about how her office is a sacred place because people share their innermost thoughts and that each person deserves respect as a child of God. I figured that would be a reasonable question...her office is part of LDS Services next to DI so I was wondering if the buildings were dedicated...but no response..

That made me mad...granted I used to send a ton of emails but I don't anymore...and it was a simple question...why couldn't she just answer it?  She made the comment a couple of visits back when she said I was acting like a kid...then she said she expected it because a lot had been happening...and it was no big deal..well..I am thinking I am really going to be acting like a flippin idiot tomorrow...I feel that I want to be true to my feelings...but I would also like to act as if I have some sort of control of my emotions...

Ahhhhhhhh.....I hate it when I get like this!

Then I want to just shut down and not say anything...but that doesn't help either...then I get her lecture of 'why do you come to counseling?' 'What do you want to get out of therapy?'

How the hell should I know what I want? I'm screwed up, remember? I just don't want to feel this way anymore...that's what I want...

Man...some days I wonder if I will ever get out of therapy...

Ok...I have been thinking about it...I am glad I am going to counseling...it is just hard...but then...(of course) my counselor did say it would be hard...nothing like being warned...

Acting like a child is a good thing?

Here is my insight today....
When I went to counseling last week...before my appointment, I had a meeting for work. After the meeting I was talking to one of my co-workers that is a very dear friend. She was telling me about her cousin that had tried to commit suicide. She was trying to figure out how she could help her and we were discussing the fact that her cousin needed to 'want' the help and 'they couldn't force her'. I talked to her about my experience about trust and not understanding the option of 'choice'. We had a great discussion...I was feeling that my experiences were helping someone else and that made me feel good. We talked right up until I had to leave for my appointment.  I am feeling good and get to my appointment...I am happy that I don't get 'sick to my stomach' anymore when I have my appointments. As I sat there waiting for my counselor...I started getting anxious and antsy.

My counselor comes and we are walking back to her office...she keeps looking at me...I am walking behind her..I don't want to walk next to her..I don't know why...we get in and sit down...I am doing my 'wiggle' thing that makes me feel like I have 'Parkinson's disease' and I feel that my mind is in a whirl. My counselor looks at me and asks, "What's going on? I feel like I have a 5 year old here?" So, of course I interpret that as 'bad' and I am supposed to act composed when I come...after all, I was composed when I had to meet with her and my X. So I obviously can be composed if I want to...so why don't I want to...I feel like I just want to do what is comfortable...not what I perceive to be correct behavior...I am thinking inside...I just feel better when I am 'curled up' on her couch...hugging my knees or ankles...it is like I am giving myself some physical protection and it allows me to focus mentally and open up more.  It is kind of weird...but I am more comfortable and I feel like I can get 'deeper' faster...that should be a good thing, right? She asks me what I am thinking about and what I was thinking about before I came to my appointment...the only thing I can think of is that maybe I didn't have all the time to 'mentally prepare' before coming to my appointment since I was so involved talking with my friend?

Anyway..I am looking at the bookstore the other day and I pick up the book Dear Sister, Once Abused and started reading. The author talks about her abuse...it seems like she has the same goal that I do with my blog...hoping her experience will help others...I am reading about her first major flashback/memory recall and she calls some therapist and the therapist says, "How nice." The author is obviously confused and asks what the heck she is talking about and the therapist responds with, "How nice that little Victoria, that has been buried inside of you, finally felt safe enough to let you know what happened to her so long ago."

Ok...so I have been thinking about that...thinking about how I have been happy and grateful that going to counseling doesn't make me sick anymore...that I am sitting in the waiting room and I usually feel pretty decent...and I still feel a little anxiety come...but by the time we walk down the hall to her office I have felt like I am a mess the last couple of times...so here is my theory...the child inside of me is feeling more comfortable in coming out...and that is why I want to curl up and comfort myself and doing so relaxes me so much...so I guess it is a good thing?

I'll have to try and talk about it with my counselor tomorrow...see how I feel about it...I sometimes get annoyed with my counselor...I remember her saying a long time ago that she hasn't had a 'ton' of experience with abuse or trauma...and most of the time when she responds to me I can't decide if she is 'playing dumb blonde' and knows exactly what is going on but acts like she is just figuring it out or is really learning along with me...I don't know why it matters...I guess I feel that sometimes if she is playing dumb blonde it almost feels insulting...or is that just my ego?

Remembering Memories and Easter

Well...it was another exciting day in my life. I was spending a lot of time in the car driving yesterday and that of course gets me thinking about all my 'issues' and sometimes it is nice because it is 'uninterrupted thinking/pondering time' and that is hard to find sometimes....sometimes it is just frustrating because I can't stay focused...yesterday I was able to stay focused...

So...I am thinking about my abuse and realizing that a memory of a house I thought I was babysat in as a 4 year old was a memory of the house of my abuser (I didn't live next to my abuser until I was 5). I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 3 or 4 and I remember being at someone's home and being terrified to come out from behind the couch (I remember a lady kept asking me if I wanted something to eat...if I wanted to come out...she would sit nearby and was reading a book or something to keep an eye on me) The explanation I put to the memory was that I hadn't been to her house for a long time and I was a very shy child and there weren't any other children there...Now I am thinking that was not what really happened...

Well...I kept thinking about this memory and trying to figure out what it truly was.  This, of course, got me thinking that maybe I was abused more in my neighbor's home than I remember (which I am sure is true since I don't remember how my abuse started and I am pretty sure I didn't just ask the boy next store to 'shove stuff up in me' or try to freak me out, hurt me, and scare me). Then I realized that I was 'massively disassociating' whenever the abuse was happening...which would explain why when I would think back to the memory that I was feeling that I was a 'willing participant'. I had always had the thought in the back of my brain that I must have wanted it at some level because I couldn't remember any fear or pain or anything else...I realized yesterday I was not a 'passive participant'.

Then I started feeling my body react as I was thinking about all of this...the strangest sensation was in my 'private areas'...I tried to play 'counselor' and think how my counselor would react...what she would ask me...trying to get me to 'identify my feelings and put it into words' and I realized that the sensation I was feeling wasn't a 'good sensation' (as in sexual arousal that was accompanied with 'guilt' and wondering if I 'wanted my abuse') but rather a heightened sensitivity in 'anticipation of pain'...this added to the intensity of the thought that I was not a 'willing participant'. It also added another dimension of the 'reality of my abuse' and that my mind really has blocked out things that are horrible...that is just a weird concept...to realize and accept that I was sexually abused to the point that my brain had to 'block it out' to protect me...I felt like I had just 'dropped down' another layer...towards getting to the real memories of everything that happened to me as a child.

This was a very new idea as you can imagine...as I was thinking about it...my heart began to race...my breathing became shallow...about this time I show up at my counseling session...they always want me to fill out those 'how are you feeling' surveys...I said no (did you know you can say no sometimes?  Kind of empowering..I just gotta say)...I didn't want to fill out the survey...I pulled out my 'scribble notebook' (I have a couple of different notebooks...this one is for me to get my thoughts out...I'll burn it when it is full) I began writing like mad to sift through the feelings and organize my thoughts in my head...

As I am writing I realize my heat is pounding, my chest is tight, my breathing is rapid and shallow...and I am shaking like crazy...it hits me again..."what kind of hell did I live through that is causing my body to react like this?"  "I am a grown woman...this happened over 40 years ago"

Well...I got most of it out and was able to organize my thoughts a little in my head...I was a little 'flustered' as I began my counseling session...but I think all and all I was able to handle it very well...and that was HUGE!

I talked about it with my counselor and even moved on to some other things...so I guess I truly am healing...wow...what a concept...to 'be ok in my skin'.  That is my goal....but...life keeps happening...

I even had enough together that when I got home (my daughter had invited another family over for dinner) I was able to act reasonably normal and had a nice time...

I figure I better handle it when this stuff happens, especially since I keep praying to remember what happened...I want the Lord to know that I can handle it if He opens my mind and helps me to remember...If I can't handle it...I better quit asking for it...

Now the kids are in group counseling...I have 'co-parenting' counseling again tonight...my X invited me to his family's Easter Party..the girls told me I shouldn't go (I don't want to go anyway...they all hate me thinking I have 'destroyed' my X) because it would just give my X hope.  My girls tell me that he thinks I have just gone temporarily insane and will come back to him if he is patient...SERIOUSLY?  Wow....

My friend told me the other day she was thinking about me when she read in the Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." And let me tell you...as I ponder over all that has happened this last week...I feel it is so true...it just keeps coming and coming and coming...and amazingly enough..it doesn't scare me like it used to. I truly feel that it is because I know I am not alone..

I was reading Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage and I loved the line in chapter 33 "...For those of His chosen ones who were true to Him, the Lord had no feeling less than that of the love and of yearning for their victory over Satan and sin." Oh how I want to be a 'chosen one' and make the Lord proud of me and the things I have been able to accomplish...I can't even imagine the joy that would bring...

This morning I was reading about the atonement...as I read Doctrine and Covenants 19:18 "...Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain." I thought back to yesterday and how I was trembling because of remembered pain...Now don't get my wrong...I am in no way saying what I have experienced is anything close to the atonement...but I will say I have a teeny, tiny bit more understanding of the pain that He felt...what it feels like to 'tremble with pain'. And I know that He paid the price for the sin of my abuse...He has taken the burden and pain of my past off my shoulders...He is helping me to feel whole.  He is my Savior.  He is there for me. I willl do everything in my power to be near to Him so that I may feel His love and influence through the Holy Ghost...for I know that THAT is the only way I will be able to return to Him and our Father.  And that my friends...is a goal worth keeping! I can testify of that in His name, the name of Jesus Christ!  He is real and He lives!

Meeting the Little Girl Inside Me

I am feeling lots of different things...I am feeling that 'pit in your stomach' sometimes related to stress...sometimes related to anticipation of bearing your testimony...sometimes just stress...I am feeling excited...I am feeling calm...I am feeling peace...I am feeling anticipation...most importantly...I am feeling and I am not afraid!


I am thinking about 'bonding' with the 'inner child within me' that was abused so long ago...I think I really want to now...I have thought about it before...but I don't think I was ready.  I never felt like I knew what to do...what to say...how I could comfort her...how I could protect her...what I could do...

I am a little scared that it will bring memories...I am not afraid to have the memories...just anxiety about what those memories might be...you see...I don't know how my abuse started...I don't know what happened the first time someone violated me..I keep thinking something must have happened before the boy next door started molesting me. He and I were the same age...I figure we must have been 6 or 7 years old (can't remember exactly when it started)...I am sure he was being sexually abused also...there is no way he would have the desires he did at that age unless someone was violating him...I can't see myself just going along with it..I wonder about people of my past...family, friends, anyone...It just seems that something must have happened that I have blocked out...I keep telling myself there must be a good reason for me to block it out....My memories of my abuse start when I remember the boy next store having so much control over me I would do anything he wanted...he had me convinced I wanted it and I would get in trouble if I ever said anything...

But I think about meeting her...that little girl that seems so scared and alone...both of us reaching to meet in the middle...her wanting to trust me to take care of her..me wanting to be with her and protect her...this time I will protect her.  We will not allow anyone to mistreat us again.  Funny how I like the idea of 'we'...part of me thinks it makes me psycho...part of me thinks it is a step towards healing...I guess I'll have to see which one wins...

I wonder how I am supposed to meet her?  I guess just visualize?  Imagine her...think about her coming together with me...the old 'hug yourself' seems kind of lame...

Well...lots of feelings are bouncing around...I'll have to see what happens...sigh...

Thursday 2/28/2013
I felt her close last night...I wondered how I could 'connect'...as I drove to work today...I began thinking of one of my abuse experiences...the one that I can remember better now (see enhanced memories) and I began to feel how scared she was when it happened. I remember thinking how confused she was to try and understand why someone would want to hurt her. I began to cry myself. I remember saying over and over this morning in my head..."Why would I let someone do that to me?" "Why didn't I stop it?" "It hurt me so bad, yet I did nothing." I began to feel that I was once again blaming myself for what happened. I began to think about how hard it is to forgive myself...I was less than 8 years old when it started...yet I still blame myself...She does not feel as close today...perhaps I need to work on forgiving myself...maybe I blame her? I am going to the Temple tomorrow...I hope to gain some insight or at least some spiritual support.

I was thinking last night...I am finally at a point that I really want to 'bond' with her. I want to feel complete...and I am trying to convince myself that I will take all the additional 'baggage' that will come with bonding with her...whether it be additional memories, horrible recognition, feeling things that were done to me, or even things that I perhaps have done.  I think that is the big issue..fear of something I might have done to start the abuse...but then I tell myself I was such a little girl...how could I have done something so wrong that I would need to be so afraid as an adult?

That is one of the big mysteries....

Friday 3/1/2013
Went to the Temple today...prayed a lot about how to process what is happening and how I am supposed to 'bond' with the girl inside of me. Made some attempts to 'self tap' (tapping myself - alternating hands - I tried on my chest and on my knees - chest is more intense) tried doing it while reviewing some of my 'emotional baggage'...I think it helps...I just don't feel as 'stressed out' or have the 'anxiety monologue' like I used to after pondering my 'issues'...and that is a good thing.

The answers I came up with (with a little inspiration) are:
*I need to reach out to her without feeling any guilt or shame.
*I need to reach out to her.
*I need to 'share' at least one of my abuse experiences. (I think I will do this in counseling...my counselor talked about her role as a 'witness' to what happened..to support me...so I am thinking that I need to truly 'share' not just regurgitate the facts with an emotionless tone...that will be hard...I think I'll take a blanket to my session...I can use it to comfort me physically...so I can 'stretch my comfort zone' emotionally.
*If I can deal with my guilt and shame (I know...do you believe I can still feel that it might be my fault?) then I will be in a position where she can feel safe. (and yes...part of me still feels like I am a 'nut case' talking to myself...but...hey...if it works...I'll try it) She needs to feel safe and protected before we can 'bond'. 
*I think connecting with her will be key in my 'taking back' my heart and feeling all I want to feel again.
*Maybe we can meet in the middle and help each other find a happy balance between a loving heart and a intellectual mind.

So...going to spend some time tomorrow with my kids and Sunday is fast Sunday...I'll write my letter and see how it goes at counseling on Tuesday...

Sunday 3/3/2013
I am working on the letter to the 'little girl' in me. Interesting concept...I am trying not to feel like I have a split personality...every time the 'little girl' is mentioned in counseling I am always asked, "What would you say to her? What does she need to hear? What would you say if you knew a little girl that this happened to, what would you say?" So I am writing about that..

I am thinking about the experience I remember the best and it is weird...it seems to be taking on a role like an abuse scene in a movie. Perhaps it is just starting to feel more real to me and that is the shift I am feeling. I was thinking it wasn't going to be that big of a deal to share with my counselor...but then..I always seem to think my abuse was no big deal.  When will I ever learn? Maybe what I am feeling is an increase of the emotion attached to the event. I visualize myself telling the story and it is becoming more alive. I hope it doesn't get too weird..I need to go to work tomorrow.

Wednesday 3/6/2013
Well I gave my counselor my letter...she ended up reading it to me and we talked about how I was feeling about it. It went ok...I think mainly because I had sat through the Temple and prayed so much about it. I do think I feel closer to that part of me that 'slipped away' so many years ago... Last night my daughter was talking about her mission...trying to figure out who is going to pay for what...and I just felt so overwhelmed with love and I thought to myself...'we at least collided' and it was nice.

I have been debating about posting the letter I wrote...well...in the hopes that it will help someone else...here it is...

March 3, 2013

To the Little Girl Inside of Me (otherwise known as me),

This letter is to help me connect with you…I want to try and figure out how to bond back with you, but I am not sure how to do that. I am asked what do I think you need, what do I wish someone would do to me. If I could, I would scoop you up and hold you tight and rock you till the tears stop flowing and you believe how much you are loved. But since I can’t do that, I think I’ll start with talking about how you came to be and who you are. It is important that you understand these concepts.

You came to be when I was being sexually abused. I don’t remember how the abuse started and I have gaps in what happened, but I know that you can remember it all. I know that you are afraid and alone and don’t know how to make it better. I understand why you would be afraid, what happened to us was very wrong and frightening.  It was the wrong actions of another person, actions that took place because bad things were happening to him too. I think you went into hiding because it was more than you could handle and I appreciate that you protected me when we separated. You took those memories that were too painful for me to bear with you so I would not be afraid. When I married, it just made it worse for you and pushed you farther away, I know that and I am sorry. Things are different now, I am older and I am no longer afraid. I want you to come back; I promise that I will never allow anyone to hurt us again. One day I hope that you can share those missing memories with me and I can help you, so you will no longer be afraid.

Who you are is more important than how you came to be. Who you are is a beautiful daughter of Our Heavenly Father who loves you very much. You also have some special talents and gifts that you are not able to share as long as we are apart. You are a fighter than never lost her faith in Christ. You never stopped protecting me; you never got angry at God or turned away from Him. I will always be grateful for that. You are a huge reason that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. You have always helped me to feel when His Spirit is near. You have an incredible capacity to love and forgive others, which is why I never got angry with anyone over what happened to us. This is how I know that you are strong, you can love, you can grow, and you are not weak.

The biggest reason that I want us to be together is that I need you. You hold a very special part of me. You hold the part of me that can ‘truly feel’ the love of our Elder Brother. When we were together we were young and His Spirit was strong. We could feel when He was close and could recognize Him. When we separated, you took that part of us with you. I am sure it was to comfort you and help you to not feel afraid, but you don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am beginning to remember how His Spirit felt and I long to feel it again. I can remember His warmth and love. You kept that incredible capacity to love and feel His Spirit with you. I hope that when we can get together you can share with me that part of my heart that can ‘truly feel’ all the wonderful things that exist in the world to feel.

I have an idea that may help us ‘get together’. I think one of the barriers between us is guilt and shame. It is easy to take on the guilt of what happened and tell ourselves it was our fault. This causes even more shame as we think we could have stopped it and we realize how horrible the abuse was. It is humiliating to think that we would let someone touch us and hurt us like our abuser did and not fight back, it just seems wrong. We tried so hard to be good, so why would we do something so bad? But the part we are forgetting is that we were so young, we did not have the ability to tell him no. We did not understand why someone would want to hurt us like he did. He told us it felt good, but it didn’t. We tried to understand it as he would tell us how it should feel, but it just didn’t make sense to us, that is when we started to split. Something inside of us knew it was wrong and that is where our guilt and shame started to grow. We let the guilt and shame take over and it has followed me my entire life. I want to get rid of it.

So, here is my idea… I have been trying to remember the most traumatic incident (that I can remember) as much as I can these past few days. I am trying very hard to think about everything, how I felt, what it looked like, what I was thinking, everything. I even sat in the Celestial Room at the Temple the other day and tried to go over the entire incident while praying to Our Heavenly Father to help me rid myself of the guilt and shame. I prayed to lay my guilt and shame at the feet of our Savior who died for us. I am thinking that I could ‘share’ the experience with my counselor. By share, I mean to have a dialogue, she could ask me any questions she wanted and I would ‘share’ by telling the story with feeling and emotion. If I revert to simply regurgitating the facts, it won’t count. My counselor would be a witness to what happened to us and help us to make sense of it. I am hoping that this experience will help us both to comprehend that we had no responsibility for what happened. I think we filled the hole you left behind in my heart with guilt and shame…if I can get rid of the guilt and shame there will be room for you to return.

I feel that if I can do this, you will see that it is safe to come back, perhaps we can meet in the middle? Then you can share your heart with me and I can help protect you from further harm. Together we can be an incredible tool in the hand of Our Savior and help make the world a better place so others don’t have to separate like we did. Or even better, we can help other separated little children to find their way back so they can be whole.

I know you are getting closer to me, I can feel you getting stronger so I think we are on the right track.

Me

As I go back and forth wondering if it is all really true...or just wondering if I have a 'split personality' I visualize 'where she is' and I feel that she is very near. I remember before I would always envision her down a dark well...or way off in the dark...always far away and alone and scared...I don't see her like that now...I feel like she is right next to me...

I think of the movie Sybil with Sally Fields and at the end she meets her 17+ (or however many) split personalities that her mind created to help her deal with the abuse...and the camera backs off as she is greeting each one...and we see Sybil laying on a blanket with her counselor and hugging herself and the counselor is saying..."As Sybil welcomes the different people into her heart she is loving and accepting herself" (or something like that) and so it makes me feel kind of stupid to want to 'hug her' but if you notice the beginning of the letter...I say I am told I should do for her what I would want done to me...then I say to 'hold and rock her till the tears stop flowing'. And I think about how nice it would be to have someone hold me and rock me and help me to feel loved and let me cry my tears out...but I guess I don't have anyone physically that I can do that with...

I have had a dream about my mom (she actually is around quite a bit...kind of nice that she understands everything and I don't have to explain it) and I remember sitting next to her telling her everything and being aware that she was dead...but we were interacting and chatting...then my son woke me up...(Sunday afternoon nap time) I remember feeling so frustrated that I woke up and it was over...and I remember thinking...maybe if I go back to sleep real fast...I can go back to my dream...it worked...and I remember feeling so happy that I could finish talking to her..then I said to her, "Mom, I wish I could hug you...but I know it is just a dream and you are dead"...she smiled and put her arms out to me...I will never forget as I reached out to hug her and I could truly 'feel' her hugging me and loving me. Maybe I need to have that dream again...

Thursday March 21, 2013
I have felt a presence the last week or two...I am not sure who it is...for awhile I thought it might be my mom but it feels different. I think about it and I see in my head myself sitting on a bench and someone sitting right up close to me...right up next to me...someone that makes me feel warm inside and loved...I can think about it and the feeling comes immediately and I feel loved....I figure I'll just go with it for now...

My counselor asked me about my letter...if there was anything else to talk about...I don't know...there is a part of me that thinks...how incredible it would be if there was a part of me that I could bond with and it would make me feel more loved...if it could open up my heart and help me feel the Spirit more...how could that be a bad thing...I know the presence I feel is female...is it the 'little girl inside me'?  I have no idea...

I know it is someone that cares about me and that helps me to feel stronger and do what I feel it right.  So I am grateful for her.

Today on my way to work..I got thinking about things...some days I commute more than others and so on the days that I drive farther I often will sing hymns, primary songs, or my favorite Afterglow song Help Me Find The Way..."Father, Canst thou hear me?  Do my words pass by unnoticed in the air?  I've bared my aching soul to thee...I've struggled in my misery and I'm wondering...is someone really there?"...I LOVE this song...Anyway...I'll sing bits and pieces of this song or others...and I usually get a little teary eyed...and this morning I felt my mother again..I haven't felt her as strong as I felt her this morning for a few weeks...I was again brought to tears feeling overwhelmed with her love and knowing how proud she was of me.  I guess she knows how hard it is right now having to see my X every other day in all the counseling and kids activities that we are doing...it was nice.

I also learned that the presence I am feeling is not my mother...maybe it is part of me...part of my heart that has been closed off...that I haven't allowed myself to feel...I just know that I like it...so I'll try and be content with that.
 

The Abused Child Within Me

Ok...
So...I guess part of healing is getting in touch with the child part of me that was abused. I think the theory is that when severe trauma happens...a part of you stops growing...and then you end up an adult with an 'inner child' that is hurt and separated from you as an adult. And if I understand it all accurately...that is why when my abuse 'triggers' get triggered...I react as a child...I can't deal with things emotionally...I crumble...I panic and need to talk to someone that will 'validate' or 'solve my problem' or 'tell me I am not crazy'.  I mean...friends are awesome...but who wants to do that all the time...

I went to counseling yesterday and we talked about doing something to help me get 'unstuck' emotionally. I feel like the 'abuse baggage' is overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to just shove it in a corner of my mind...that is what I did as a child...and it really doesn't seem to be working anymore....so I have been just letting my emotions bounce all over during counseling...driving my counselor crazy...she keeps offering ideas for me to do...I just kind of 'blow them off' thinking she doesn't understand or care...it was becoming a vicious circle...and I was going nowhere fast.

I tried EMDR last fall (EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) EMDR Wikipedia link I was nervous at first...I mean hey...I have control issues...what makes you think I am going to let someone wave their fingers in front of my face in an effort to help me 'relax' and think about my problems.  But it wasn't as bad as I thought...actually kind of interesting...I was kind of surprised at the range of emotions and feelings I would get during the process. The oddest feeling was when I realized something (an event) that could dig up such strong emotions...was now no big deal...kind of refreshing I will admit. I think it was a big help in lowering my 'panic and stress' levels of my issues so I could talk about things and try to deal with my life.

Well...now my counselor is thinking I should try again...this time the other therapist would be in the room with me and my counselor...Yes...I am messed up enough to require 2 therapists...so I gave it a try...this therapist used these 'tapper' things...a small object that fits in your hand and vibrates. You hold a tapper in each hand and they alternate vibrating. The goal is to let both sides of your brain participate in the healing. They say the 'tappers' stimulate both sides of the brain simultaneously and this helps all of your brain to 'reprocess' the trauma. It is supposed to help with 'emotion overload' or 'cerebral thinking' where you are either all emotion..or devoid of emotion and all intellectual thinking (this is when I tell myself it was no big deal...just keep moving through life...who cares...I am ignoring how I truly feel about things). So...yesterday I tried the 'tappers'.  Gotta say...too much stimulation for me...I felt that my eyes were twitching when the tappers were 'buzzing' kind of like REM sleep.  That was weird enough that I didn't like it...she tried to turn the tappers down. (I have some serious touch issues) either that or both halves of my brain don't like to communicate...now that would kind of make sense. I finally ended up keeping my eyes open and holding the tappers about 3 inches up the cord so the vibrations were not as intense.

The goal was to create a box of some sort in my mind and put all the 'garbage' that I can't deal with in the box...and I guess go find it later if I decide to deal with it.  I had the 'box' and was trying to 'put stuff I didn't want' in it...but I just couldn't seem to visualize it. She was asking me what I 'could see' and I keep thinking of a wall...the wall that blocks the memories I can't/don't want to remember. I think I want to remember...but since I don't know what they are...I am understandably anxious about what those memories might be....so I kept coming up with a wall...

Then I could see the little girl that was me...I see her a lot in my thoughtsnow...I am told I need to 'heal her' so I can heal...but how do I do that? I feel that I have 'hurt her' twice...once when she was abused and I did not protect or help her...and again when I married a man that could not 'love' or make emotional connections. Guess I am kind of afraid of my 'third strike'. It always seems to me that she is too far away for me to get to her (read some of my poems) and I am not sure how to 'reach her'.

So...they suggested I write a letter to the little girl inside of me.  Gotta say...flashes of Sybil with Sally Fields hugging her 'inner self' as she was accepting her 'split personalities' are coming to mind. There is a part of me that thinks it is weird to 'talk or write a letter' to myself as a child.  But...I want to heal...so I have been pondering what that would mean...what would it look like...how would I feel doing it...how would I feel when it is done?

Now...I am thinking about what I could gain from a better understanding of my child self? And this is what is coming to me...It is very hard for me to 'find the center' that happy middle place between emotions and intellect. That place where you can feel...but emotions are supported by intelligence and wisdom. I tend to go from one to the other...Combined with this is the fact that I sense that I can't 'feel' the Spirit like I should. I think this is a result of my shutting down my heart so many years ago. So today on my way to work...I started thinking and realizing...The child within me can feel...the longing I have to better feel the Spirit is a longing for what I used to feel as a child. I think this is the reason my desire to 'get it back' is so strong...because I have felt it before. I know what it is and I know it exists. So perhaps the little girl inside of me is the emotional part of me, the sensitive part of me, the innocent 'child like faith' that can freely talk with God?  If this is the case...maybe I can figure out a way to 'meet her in the middle' and she can help me open up my heart and feel the emotions I long for and I can help her better handle the trauma that she had to experience?  Well...I am hoping this is how it is and it will work...I am going to think about what I want to say in the letter and I will probably work on it Sunday...it is fast Sunday and we have late church so I will have some time in the morning.  Wish me luck!

PS  I am making efforts to connect with the child within me...see my post Meeting the Little Girl Inside of Me