Opening My Heart Affects Everything.....

I am still communicating with my 'online guy' and wondering about it...I know, big surprise, huh?

I do think that I am developing more trust in him...and that is a marvelous thing. Does this mean I won't get hurt, no. But it does mean that I am willing to 'put my heart' out there and see what happens.

I will say that I am feeling myself change in a good way. I was sitting in church yesterday...I have been praying lately to be able to 'better hear' what the Lord is trying to tell me...ok, I'll be honest I've been praying about that for awhile...maybe months?  I guess it is a 'work in progress'...

Anyway...as I was sitting in church...I was just feeling how much I loved my kids and the speakers were all talking about the Trek...and I could see my 2 kids that were on the Trek really listening..and feeling the Spirit. As I sat there I was so grateful for the ability I had to be able to 'see outside myself' and be aware of what my kids were feeling.

I was talking to 'my guy' and discussing how things were 'different' and he made the comment that no one had ever listened to me before...I told him that I had very good friends that listen...and he smiled and said, 'I mean in a relationship.' Ok..I'll give him that one...my relationship experiences with men that would listen to me and could express their feelings about me to me...yeah...that kind of hasn't happened yet.  The key to this thought is 'yet'.

I remember when I first started thinking I needed to 'look for a man' one of the thoughts were that if I could 'open my heart' to a man that it would also allow me to 'better love my children'. I don't know why I thought that...but it just made sense. I remember when I was realizing how much of my heart had shut down because of my abuse...that when I started remembering..I couldn't remember just the good, I had to also remember the bad. So I guess that is why I was thinking that if I was going to love a man...it would open my heart and help me to better love my children. Having him 'truly listen' to me has made me so much more aware of how I need to 'truly listen' to my children. The more I think about this..the more I will be eternally grateful that I have met my 'online guy' and that he helped me to open up my heart.

I feel different now...I am not sure exactly what is happening...I am not sure exactly why...but I think I am finally starting to feel 'comfortable in my own skin'. As I was working over the weekend...and I was walking around...looking at people...more aware of eye contact...really 'looking' at who they are and how they are doing. I got joking around with some of my co-workers and I realized that they were being drawn towards me...they were all laughing and smiling...and just having fun. I thought about how it had been awhile since I have been that way...and it felt really good. I am not 'freaking out' so much wondering what others are thinking of me...man it feels good.  Don't get me wrong...I have a ways to go...and I am not oblivious to what people are thinking or feeling about me...I am just not 'worried' about it and I am noticing that I am getting closer to where I want to be.

Oh..did I tell you...my counselor is going to change offices...so...looks like I am weaning myself off counseling also...I guess I am making progress...

If you are reading this and struggling with issues...whether they are like my issues or not...please Don't give up!

Life is a struggle...I know that...I have struggled...I am struggling...but if we can just 'stay true' to knowing who we are...a child of God...born of royal birth...with unlimited potential..and now that yeah...sometimes life just SUCKS...but we just gotta keep going...keep that eternal perspective...and we will make it..

One of my friends was talking to me...she knows about my blog...I told her I was doing better...and that she could read my blog if she didn't believe me...she said, "I don't need to read your blog to know that you are doing better...I can see it in your face."

Healing feels good...

What does it mean to 'connect emotionally'?

What is an emotional connection?

I sat and looked at what I just wrote and decided I had no idea what an emotional connection is...so I googled it..I like the response I found. (Here is the link - What is an emotional connection? ) It talks about being open and trusting...oh yeah...trust..I am so NOT good at that.

I have been pondering my feelings lately...I have to admit I have had deeper feelings than I have had for a long time. I think it is nice. And yes...this is connected to my 'online guy'...sigh...

I have been thinking about my heart. Because of my abuse I 'shut down' a pretty good section of my heart and I didn't allow myself to feel so much of the good in the world. I have learned that your heart is an 'all or nothing' kind of thing. I do not have the ability to decide what I can feel...I can either feel practically nothing...or everything...ok..I can probably work up to 'everything' and I know I am making progress but I am not there yet. But the point is that I know I can't 'selectively choose' what I can feel. So...opposition in all things 2 Nephi 2:11 so if I want to 'feel' the good, I need to 'feel' the bad...yeah...like I want to do that...I do wonder if I will have more abuse memories come back as I 'open my heart'...but I don't dwell on that.


Back to my feelings...

First...in my current 'almost relationship' at first it was fun to think that there was someone that wanted to get to know me...and when we started chatting instead of email messaging through the online site things moved a heck of a lot faster. Once we started talking about sex (mainly because I was so paranoid about all my issues and concerned about being 'present' if I was ever intimate again) feelings started getting stirred up.  At first it was just 'hormonal teenager stuff' but then...the more he would listen to me...talk to me...ask about me...heck...he has even read most of my blog...I know he has because he would ask me questions about different things I had posted. The feelings began to get deeper...and I have to say...I like how they felt.

I had issues at first thinking I had my 'mind in the gutter' and if my kids were thinking the things I was thinking I would want to march them down to the bishop's office. But I realized I needed to 'process' at some level the concept of intimacy. I finally realized that I was not thinking about 'sex' to get aroused and feel that 'high' some people get...but I was wanting to feel and express 'intimacy and love' to someone I feel cares about me.

I realize that because of my X's issues...this was the biggest part of what was missing in my previous marriage. And I think the 'emotional connection' is the basis for allowing 'intimacy and love' to grow. I keep thinking about what my counselor friend said..."So what you are saying is that he 'hears you' in a way that you have not experienced before?" and yeah...I guess that is it.

I had some friends over last night to watch a movie...we watched, 'Freedom Writers' and it got me thinking quite a bit about 'being heard'. As I was watching the characters 'change' as they realized their teacher cared about them...I thought about myself...how important it was for me to 'be heard' and as I was getting all 'caught up' in how influential the teacher was in the movie...how wonderful it would be to make a difference in the lives of kids...then I thought about my own kids...how hard it has been for them to not have a father and mother in the same home that offer that structure and support...how independent I see them becoming (which isn't always a bad thing) and how they must 'long' to be heard as well.  As I sat there I could feel all these emotions stirring inside of me. I started feeling this love deeper than I have felt before...I began to pray, asking Heavenly Father what it means. Wondering if this means that the guy I am communicating with is someone that is going to truly be a part of my life? Wondering if all 'these emotions' I am feeling and then imagining how much more intense they would be if my 'guy' was actually here in person...and trying to decide if that is what I am working towards?

I do know that I am experiencing feelings that are new...and I like them (for the most part) and I am hoping I will have the opportunity to truly love someone and have that person love me just as much. I would hate to think that I have 'uncovered' all these emotions and stirred up all this desire to have someone to love and hold and share my life with then not have the opportunity. I was talking to a coworker yesterday...he changed jobs and I won't be working with him anymore...he asked how I was doing. He is an English teacher and I shared some poems with him to get his 'opinion' ( he did think I had some poems that should be published...which certainly made me feel good) so I knew he was asking 'more' than just 'how is your day?'

I told him about 'my guy' and he was so happy for me. He told me how exciting it was for me to (if nothing else) to truly experience a connection with someone at such an intimate level. He talked about how 'rare' it was to find someone that you could truly connect with and how wonderful it was for me after all the garbage I have been through...

So...I am thinking I am starting to understand at a profound level just what an 'emotional connection' is. I will say right now...if I marry again...it will be to someone that I am emotionally connected to...that is for darn sure!

Pros and Cons of Online Dating...

So...I am still communicating with my man but I have yet to met him.

This has become a huge issue for me because as I have written about in the past...my biggest 'sense' of what is happening and 'who' someone is...is what I 'feel and sense' in their presence. I remember all the sessions of counseling where I felt like I was 'deaf and blind' because my counselor would put up an 'emotional wall' to help me focus on what I thought and not use her as a 'mirror' and gauge my emotions off of how she was reacting. Here is what I mean... (picking up on the emotions of others) Well, you can imagine how this is starting to bother me with my online relationship with someone I can't see, touch or feel....

And I am trying to figure out how I feel and what I feel and who he is and what I want....not sure how much success I am having so far...but I am still in the game so that is a good thing.

He has said some interesting things that make me wonder how far down the path of healing I am...and where I need to go...he is extremely patient with me...not sure why (but I am sure it goes back to me having issues with feeling I don't deserve it). I was visiting a friend and she was kidding me that I was 'acting so in love' but she followed up with..."But you seem to think you aren't worthy of it...you don't deserve to be happy." I'm not sure what to think about that...this friend has known me for quite a long time and is very perceptive.  I think she is right. I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it..how am I supposed to 'feel like I deserve happiness'...I guess just keep doing what I am doing...praying, reading the scriptures, trying to do what I am supposed to do. I know that my recent 'scripture reading' and studying the conference issue of the Ensign have been a huge help.

I got a new phone and I am really enjoying it. I can see why my kids were driving me crazy to 'get a smart phone'. Still not sure if I am smart enough for it...but I am learning.  It is awful nice to have the scriptures handy...I went to the Temple last week and I was listening to some conference talks on the way...I listened to Elder Cook's talk Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness and I was intrigued with the end where he quotes John 14:27 because this is a scripture that my counselor has used and I have had several conversations about it with other people. In fact, one time I ended up talking to some of the workers at the Temple about it and I was told I should ask the Temple President. One of the workers came back to me the next week and she had been studying and researching and talking to people all week trying to figure out what exactly was meant by the phrase..."My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..." I have been trying to figure out the difference between the 2 forms of 'peace' and what is the difference..to me it seemed that one was a higher peace...one He is leaving with us...and the other is a gift...to me...a gift has a different significance because it is 'given' (usually out of love) and it must be 'received'. It makes me think of the picture of Christ and how the picture has Him knocking...yet there is no handle for Christ to open the door

because 'we' have to open the door and let him in. So...I kept thinking that was similar to the 2 different 'peaces' that John refers to...one of the Temple workers (the one that promised me she would go home and study for me) came up with the best explanation...the peace that He leaves with us is the peace of the atonement...he has left the gift of forgiveness for all so we can return to live with Our Father In Heaven...but if we 'accept it' (or receive the gift unto ourselves) we can feel that peace within our hearts...kinda cool..gotta say...

Anyway...Do I have a 'peace' regarding my relationship my my man?  Yes...I think I do...are there things that worry me...yes...there are...do I have all the answers?  No, I do not....sigh...guess I'll be working on my 'faith' as well....

I will say that he has opened my heart...I feel that I can love more than before...I feel that I am better able to love my children...my kids just got back from 'Trek" (youth re-enacting the pioneers crossing the plains in the late 1800s) we had a 'fireside/testimony meeting' and I looked over at one of my sons...I could see him squirming...I knew he was feeling the Spirit and was struggling with the decision to go up and bear his testimony.  I was watching him for awhile and he finally turned and caught my eye...his face flushed and he looked away and never looked back at me...he knew I had caught him and knew what was on his mind. I felt so glad that 'he was feeling' what was going on...

I was getting ready for church the other day...we had been talking about getting rid of one of our dogs...I was on my way to my room to 'read' more of my scriptures...righteous desire, right?...and my youngest was sitting on the couch...at first I was going to just walk by...then I got to thinking that there was something wrong...I went and sat by him...he didn't want to talk...I snuggled up to him...put my arm around him...he dropped his head to my lap and I realized he was starting to cry...I learned that he really wanted to keep both our dogs...and so we talked about it and I told him we would do it...but he has GOT to get the dog to start sleeping with him...my bed is getting too crowded...I felt so happy that I was listening better and was able to 'be there' for my kids.  Then last night my daughter started talking to me...and I was smart enough to put my laptop aside and 'truly listen' to her.....I can't express how grateful I am that I am better able to 'be there' for my kids. I remember my counselor making a comment about my 'keeping it together for my kids' and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior that my kids are not angry with God or the church.  I look at everything they have been through and how it is making them stronger...I think about all the 'help and support' I have received from those beyond the veil.....how my knowledge has grown over the past few years...how I never dreamed I would be as strong as I am now...how my understanding of 'angels ministering' has changed...my awareness of 'spiritual beings' being present...my comprehension that I am never alone and have no need to fear...how I now understand that instead of praying to 'have a spiritual experience' to understand that spiritual things are happening every day...all around us...and I want to be worthy to 'feel' them and know they exist....I want nothing more than to feel the 'pure joy' of knowing my Father in Heaven is proud of me....so...my man asked me if I thought I was ready for a relationship...he asked me if I had myself figured out enough to be ready for a commitment...and the answer is yes.  Does that mean it is going to happen?  That is will happen with him?  I have no idea....but I know that I am opening up my heart and that is a very important first step...

So...we had a misunderstanding (my online man and I) and it was bothering me...he was saying he wanted some time to 'cool off' and would get back to me...part of the problem with 'online relationships' is it is hard to figure out what exactly that would mean?  He won't talk to me...till he is ready and I just 'hang out' until then?  He will talk about other things but not what bothered him until he is ready? He will talk about other things...and then 'bring up' the other issue when he is ready?  I wasn't sure what he meant...I understood the whole...I am mad or angry and need some space to think and process...but that is easier to see and understand if you are in the same physical space...but we are talking again...and that is good...

I do think that he is a 'little vague' sometimes...and because I can't 'see or feel' what he is saying...it is harder for me to understand exactly what he is saying...I think it frustrates him because he is trying so hard to understand me...he wants to feel that I am trying to understand him...and unfortunately...the strongest way I have to 'understand him' I can't use because we are still just communicating online...so...I guess it is just a process...

I do know that I will always be grateful to him, regardless of how our relationship turns out...because he has helped me to see that intimacy is a beautiful thing...I don't think I realized how distorted my image of intimacy had become since dealing with my abuse...and now it is something that I want in my life. That may be one of the biggest miracles I have experienced so far in my journey...and I will always be grateful that my 'online guy' came into my life...

Don't close the doors to a better future...just saying....there is too much beauty in the world....you might miss some...