Is there hope for my kids? I pray it is so...every day!

My X has been trying to get my younger son to move in with him.  I don't like the idea...I think that separating the kids is exactly like the first judge told us..."separation of siblings can cause irreparable damage" and that is what is happening.(my teenage son moved in with his dad about 6 months ago and it is causing a ton of issues amongst my kids)  My X is hoping my younger son will want to go to his ward, of course we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward you live in...something that my X has argued many a time over the years before now...but now he is constantly trying to tell my son he needs to demand to me that I take him to 'daddy's ward'. (It is in the neighboring stake)

So...last Sunday my youngest tells me he doesn't want to go to church...says he likes dad's church (ward) better and I can't make him go. I will confess that I threatened...started getting him changed myself...and nothing was working...the home teacher had come over earlier and offered to come 'drag him to church'. I was getting so frustrated because I felt that I just had no control or authority in my home. I felt that I would never be the respected adult in my home.  I was worried that if I don't let him do what he wants he will move in with his dad like his brother...yet if I can't be the 'adult/parent' in my own home what kind of person is my son going to grow into? As I am sitting there pondering what to do...thinking that if I went to church and 'let him stay home' I would never be able to get him to do anything...I finally decided to just leave him and go to church.

I get up and I am mad...but not..I feel that I am out of control angry but I am not out of control...so I turn to him and say, "I am really hurt that you don't want to go to church with me. They asked me to talk in Primary, I don't want to talk to the kids in Primary, I want to talk to YOU.  I want to share my testimony with you during Primary because YOU ARE MY SON!" It was kind of like controlled rage. And I walked out the door and went to church and tried not to cry.

As the Sacrament is starting in he comes...huffing (he had run the 1/2 mile to church) and 'slams right up against me' as only a 10 year old boy can. I put my arm around him and hold him tight the whole meeting. I tell him that I love him..he is leaning against me, head on my shoulder, leg against mine and barely moves. As he gets ready to leave for Primary I ask him, "Can you feel how much I love you?" He says yes....

After I do my part in Primary he comes over to me and says..."That was a really cool story" and repeated that a few more times on the way home. He then says, "After you left I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life" I tell him, "Do you know the best part of that?" He responds, "That I said I made a mistake?"

"No" I reply. "The best part is that you made a mistake and then you fixed it!" It was a good day...

Do I know what changed his mind?  No...did my son need to feel that 'I wanted him'?  Did my son feel my sincerity? Did my son decide it matter if I was upset? Do all my efforts regarding my 'gotta keep it together' attitude communicate to my kids (mainly my boys) that I don't care?  Is this something that is being supported by their dad?  I know he says a lot of cruel things about me...I know he is hurt and angry...it would be hard to hear things as a child and not know if they are true. I know my daughters have told me that sometimes it is hard to know what is true because their dad says lots of things and 'Mom..you don't say anything." Maybe it is ok to show my emotions?  Maybe I don't need to be 'nerves of steel' but just be a caring mom...

Later there was a problem with my older boy and I couldn't believe how my daughters handled it. They were trying to make sure that everyone had 'their say'  that no one was getting too emotional or upset...that all feelings were listened to...don't get me wrong...it was not necessarily pretty...but what was incredible was that all my kids were trying to get along and demonstrating by how they were talking that they loved each other.

As I looked at my kids and thought about the feelings that were in the room I thought..."There is hope for my kids!" They have rough roads ahead, but everyone has a rough road ahead. They aren't 'shying or shirking' away from their problems...they are doing their very best to 'deal and rise above'. I look at the type of person they are going to become...I think of the type of parent they will be...I guess it is best summed up by a discussion my child shared with me...they were talking to their counselor and was asked, "Do you think this is going to make it hard for you to have a good relationship later and marry?" My child's response, "No! I think this is going to make my relationship better because I deserve it and I know what I want!"

Is there hope for my kids?  YES!

Are my kids going to continue to struggle?  YES

Will I ever stop loving them? NO

Will the Lord ever stop loving and guiding them? NO

Am I glad I am divorced? YES...but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....