If I wanted to see you I would have stayed married!

Ok...can you just say 'X' overload?
I see him at my son's sports games...I see him at my daughter's musical performance...I see him at co-parenting counseling (yeah...that is a couple of blogs in itself) I see him at my son's counseling...oh, and get this...he is trying to tell the counselor that the kids don't need counseling because it won't change the fact that we divorced and will make them think they have problems...

I have told the kids so many times...things have happened that affect them that are not their fault...it makes sense that they will get angry and frustrated...counseling will help to separate what you can change and deal better with what you 'can't change'. The whole session was basically my son in the waiting room and my X and I fighting over the kids getting counseling...what a mess...

It is sad that he is driving his kids away and he keeps blaming me...I don't have to do anything...then to have him say that I don't want my kids to have a dad...He has no idea how badly I want a good father for my children...

My older daughter mentioned that her counselor asked her if she was afraid that she wouldn't get married to a good person because of our divorce...she said that she had never thought that way...she feels that she will get an even better husband because of what she is seeing and learning...I started to wonder if that is not the normal response from a child of divorce?  I think I feel good about that fact that she feels that way...I am thinking it is a good thing...

I remember my counselor asking me if I was thinking about dating...I said, NO WAY I can barely handle my own life...let alone the addition of someone else...then she says..well...most people take about a year...I tell her I have been separated for over 2 and then she says, "Well, in your case..more than 2?"  Gotta say...don't know if that is good or not...

I think it is good I am not lonely...I don't feel that there is a 'hole' that needs to be filled...maybe some day...but definitely not right now...

I do wonder why he isn't dating...I wonder if he still wonders if we will get back together or not...

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I was sorry for the baggage my abuse brought to our relationship...and it totally caught him off guard...he has tried harder to smile at me when I see him...I sure hope he didn't take my apology as an interest in 'making up' No way in HELL!  Just gotta say...

And to be honest...I am not good for him either...I am not able to love and support him the way he deserves...and everyone deserves to be loved...I try to remember that...some days I do...

I will say that when we were in counseling yesterday arguing about our son getting counseling... I held it together better...flashbacks of marriage counseling...I found I did not feel as much need to 'defend' myself...I didn't react as much as I have in the past...and I feel better about that...I saw more what a HUGE cavern exists between us...how low he has gone and much better I feel about myself...that was nice to ponder...If I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'. I am better able to see how people see him...less need to defend myself...nice...