Today I am trying to get to everything I should go to...
Sports for the kids...parties...a birthday weekend for a child...it is crazy...but good.
My son that lives with his dad makes it even harder...I feel like he just does whatever he wants...when his dad doesn't have gas money to take him anywhere..then suddenly he wants to 'stay at my house' and I feel like I am being used (Ok..it is more than a feeling...I am still a doormat sometimes) but then he comes around and he can be such a great kid...then I wish he was living with his siblings...and I know it affects them all...they all need to know they are loved by their siblings...and feel supported...regardless of which parent they are aligning themselves with...I just can't figure out how to do it.
I am glad in some ways the judge is making them go to counseling...I hope they take advantage of it. I look at them (my kids) and see how strong they are as individuals and the desires they have to do the right thing and I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude to a Heavenly Father that has blessed me with such incredible children...and it sometimes breaks my heart to see them go through all of this...I guess that is part of life.
I remember my daughter asking me during conference...right after the talk Can Ye Feel So Now? (Quentin Cook October 2012) if that was true...followed by..."Because dad has caused an awful lot of tears". On one hand it breaks my heart that she would feel that way...on the other hand? The sad thing is that her dad doesn't even realize it...how strong and powerful are the chains of addiction....
Monday 3/11/2013
My older teenage son (that lives with his dad) came over last night. I remember so well that first judge and what he said when my X tried to take some of the kids to live with him the first time..."Don't you know it can cause irreparable damage to separate siblings?" When my older son comes over..he tries to be the 'dad' and boss everyone around...my middle son is getting used to not having him around so when he shows up my middle son will pick arguments with him because he feels 'threatened'. To make a long story short..everyone is hurting and it struggling to treat each other with love and respect. I wish I could take them all to counseling...but some think counseling is a waste...I will say the ones that want to go to counseling..have a 'brighter glow'. You would have a hard time convincing me that it is not connected...those that can 'see' that things are going on in their lives and have a desire to make it better, not just blame it on everyone...seem to have a better countenance...sigh...I just don't know how to fix it.
My daughters are so hurt by how their dad treats them...they don't even want to talk to him or be around him..my X just can't see his part in the problem. Granted, I know I am not perfect, but at least I am trying and doing what I can to make things better.
It just breaks my heart to see them hurt...after a discussion last night with a couple of my kids I told them..."I have no idea why you need to go through this...but what I do know is that it is making you stronger." I went on to talk about the kind of mother and father they would be...how they would be so loving and nurturing to their children. I told my daughter how she would marry someone that truly loved her and she would see her husband wrap his arms around their daughter and love her, accept her and she would know what it would mean to her daughter. I told my son how he would be a father that 'plays' with his children and love them and helps them to feel good about who they are...and that all I know is that their Heavenly Father loves them...I love them...and they are strong enough to come through this as a better person...
It did seem to bring a better Spirit into our home after I talked...we all cried a little...and smiled at the end. Life is not for wimps...I can't take away their pain...but maybe I can help them to remember who they are and where they can get strength...and remind myself in the process.
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