Remembering Memories and Easter

Well...it was another exciting day in my life. I was spending a lot of time in the car driving yesterday and that of course gets me thinking about all my 'issues' and sometimes it is nice because it is 'uninterrupted thinking/pondering time' and that is hard to find sometimes....sometimes it is just frustrating because I can't stay focused...yesterday I was able to stay focused...

So...I am thinking about my abuse and realizing that a memory of a house I thought I was babysat in as a 4 year old was a memory of the house of my abuser (I didn't live next to my abuser until I was 5). I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 3 or 4 and I remember being at someone's home and being terrified to come out from behind the couch (I remember a lady kept asking me if I wanted something to eat...if I wanted to come out...she would sit nearby and was reading a book or something to keep an eye on me) The explanation I put to the memory was that I hadn't been to her house for a long time and I was a very shy child and there weren't any other children there...Now I am thinking that was not what really happened...

Well...I kept thinking about this memory and trying to figure out what it truly was.  This, of course, got me thinking that maybe I was abused more in my neighbor's home than I remember (which I am sure is true since I don't remember how my abuse started and I am pretty sure I didn't just ask the boy next store to 'shove stuff up in me' or try to freak me out, hurt me, and scare me). Then I realized that I was 'massively disassociating' whenever the abuse was happening...which would explain why when I would think back to the memory that I was feeling that I was a 'willing participant'. I had always had the thought in the back of my brain that I must have wanted it at some level because I couldn't remember any fear or pain or anything else...I realized yesterday I was not a 'passive participant'.

Then I started feeling my body react as I was thinking about all of this...the strangest sensation was in my 'private areas'...I tried to play 'counselor' and think how my counselor would react...what she would ask me...trying to get me to 'identify my feelings and put it into words' and I realized that the sensation I was feeling wasn't a 'good sensation' (as in sexual arousal that was accompanied with 'guilt' and wondering if I 'wanted my abuse') but rather a heightened sensitivity in 'anticipation of pain'...this added to the intensity of the thought that I was not a 'willing participant'. It also added another dimension of the 'reality of my abuse' and that my mind really has blocked out things that are horrible...that is just a weird concept...to realize and accept that I was sexually abused to the point that my brain had to 'block it out' to protect me...I felt like I had just 'dropped down' another layer...towards getting to the real memories of everything that happened to me as a child.

This was a very new idea as you can imagine...as I was thinking about it...my heart began to race...my breathing became shallow...about this time I show up at my counseling session...they always want me to fill out those 'how are you feeling' surveys...I said no (did you know you can say no sometimes?  Kind of empowering..I just gotta say)...I didn't want to fill out the survey...I pulled out my 'scribble notebook' (I have a couple of different notebooks...this one is for me to get my thoughts out...I'll burn it when it is full) I began writing like mad to sift through the feelings and organize my thoughts in my head...

As I am writing I realize my heat is pounding, my chest is tight, my breathing is rapid and shallow...and I am shaking like crazy...it hits me again..."what kind of hell did I live through that is causing my body to react like this?"  "I am a grown woman...this happened over 40 years ago"

Well...I got most of it out and was able to organize my thoughts a little in my head...I was a little 'flustered' as I began my counseling session...but I think all and all I was able to handle it very well...and that was HUGE!

I talked about it with my counselor and even moved on to some other things...so I guess I truly am healing...wow...what a concept...to 'be ok in my skin'.  That is my goal....but...life keeps happening...

I even had enough together that when I got home (my daughter had invited another family over for dinner) I was able to act reasonably normal and had a nice time...

I figure I better handle it when this stuff happens, especially since I keep praying to remember what happened...I want the Lord to know that I can handle it if He opens my mind and helps me to remember...If I can't handle it...I better quit asking for it...

Now the kids are in group counseling...I have 'co-parenting' counseling again tonight...my X invited me to his family's Easter Party..the girls told me I shouldn't go (I don't want to go anyway...they all hate me thinking I have 'destroyed' my X) because it would just give my X hope.  My girls tell me that he thinks I have just gone temporarily insane and will come back to him if he is patient...SERIOUSLY?  Wow....

My friend told me the other day she was thinking about me when she read in the Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." And let me tell you...as I ponder over all that has happened this last week...I feel it is so true...it just keeps coming and coming and coming...and amazingly enough..it doesn't scare me like it used to. I truly feel that it is because I know I am not alone..

I was reading Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage and I loved the line in chapter 33 "...For those of His chosen ones who were true to Him, the Lord had no feeling less than that of the love and of yearning for their victory over Satan and sin." Oh how I want to be a 'chosen one' and make the Lord proud of me and the things I have been able to accomplish...I can't even imagine the joy that would bring...

This morning I was reading about the atonement...as I read Doctrine and Covenants 19:18 "...Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain." I thought back to yesterday and how I was trembling because of remembered pain...Now don't get my wrong...I am in no way saying what I have experienced is anything close to the atonement...but I will say I have a teeny, tiny bit more understanding of the pain that He felt...what it feels like to 'tremble with pain'. And I know that He paid the price for the sin of my abuse...He has taken the burden and pain of my past off my shoulders...He is helping me to feel whole.  He is my Savior.  He is there for me. I willl do everything in my power to be near to Him so that I may feel His love and influence through the Holy Ghost...for I know that THAT is the only way I will be able to return to Him and our Father.  And that my friends...is a goal worth keeping! I can testify of that in His name, the name of Jesus Christ!  He is real and He lives!