How would it feel to be equally yoked? Is better all I want? Or do I want the best the Lord can give?

So...I'm still dating My Man...well..kind of dating...since we have been doing nothing but chatting for almost 2 months...lol!

We have been talking a lot and we have both discussed that the Lord is in charge and trying to help us. He made a comment once that he feels impressed that he needs to not pressure me and give me time to accept a relationship with him.  This was kind of surprising to hear...after all, I have been dating for over 2 years and I want to marry...what is he talking about?

Then I began to understand...

You see..in case you haven't noticed...I have some intimacy issues...and dating someone that I felt would just follow me around like a puppy dog (Make Out Dude) or a man that has commitment issues that I connected with intellectually but isn't into the church far enough (Movie Dude) is one thing. To have a relationship with a man that I feel is equal to me in so many ways, that wants to commit to me and values the Temple and what it stands for...is a whole new ball game.

I have had several conversations with my girls about 'intellectually compatible' and man...can I see the blessings of it with My Man. Chatting has become so fun...the word plays - innuendos - sarcasm (with kindness) and just basic jokes...the wit and speed of the conversations..I feel the intellectual stimulation and it just lights up my brain. It is like a whole new world of awareness and challenge...ok...his vocabulary is bigger than mine..for example..today...portends...really?  Does anyone use that word in regular conversation?  Granted when I goggled it there were many references to crossword/scrabble usage..But I must say...kinda like the mental challenge...

Then, the gospel...he has a totally cool conversion story...found the church on his own as a teenager and has been faithful his entire life...it means something to him...his relationship with his Father in Heaven exists and is extremely important to him. I have heard he is a fabulous Gospel Doctrine teacher...hmm...that could be fun. I remember how when I would give talks with my ex...I would usually talk most of the time and give minimal to him...he would always be nervous and talk in a monotone...I was usually very energetic and engaging...I would get lots of compliments and he would feel inferior...how nice would it be to feel that we are both are strong in the gospel and comfortable sharing our testimonies...wow...I like how I imagine that would feel.

He loves his kids...he has 3 kids...most older than mine but not by much...I remember him asking me if I would be a mother to his kids. Since she walked out on all of them...wow...that kind of made me sit and think...I do love my kids...I did always wish I had married sooner and had more kids...I have learned so much with my kids, I am finally to the point of...I just want them to know that I love them and that the Lord is there for them...always. If I can do that I will die happy.  I could do that with his kids...so sure...why not...and MY kids...they long for more family (my ex's family is good - but they don't click with their cousins) my family doesn't talk to me any more..at least my brothers with kids their ages. So yeah...my kids are pumped that he has kids...and 2 grandkids...under the age of 2. My kids are REALLY excited about that.  His kids? They always wanted more...one of his kids made the comment..."She has 5 kids?  That'd be cool!"

In fact...since we haven't been able to date...our kids have come around to being very supportive of our relationship - I think they feel sorry for us that we can't date and want to see us happy. So that is a definite plus of not dating :)

So...now we come to my issues...sigh...
I would like to think that I don't have any issues...but yeah...that obviously isn't the case...
I asked him how much he wanted to know about me...he said, as much as a person can know about someone else...so I told him about this blog.  He said that he would take time and read it...and he did.

Guess what he said? Movie Dude mentioned that I had a lot of issues and it was holding him back. So yeah...I was a little nervous that I told him about this blog...

His response?
Wow..you are so amazing!  You should write a book! It is so wonderful that you have been able to find these men that could help you grow and process to prepare you to find a man and marry.

Ok..seriously?  You aren't freaked out at all? You don't see all my crap as baggage too heavy to deal with?  wow...maybe he is the one?

He told me how his ex wife had been abused and he understood what I would need to feel safe and secure...what I would need to feel loved. I joked that I don't think the Lord could have prepared a better man for me...his response?  He got a little emotional and said that all the things that he had put in his 'damaged column' I am telling him make him a better partner for me...he can't believe it.

We both have realized that our previous marriages did not have any kind of emotional connection. There were different reasons why that was lacking...but the outcome is the same. We both struggled for many years in a marriage that was not equally yoked and we are now realizing how much more can exist in a marriage and in a relationship and what it means to have a partner at your side.

I find myself talking about intimacy a lot...ok...more than A LOT..because it is almost all I can see...I almost feel like...as long as he can love me..who cares...I will be fine...look what I put up with for so many years. I was talking to another single friend...she was saying...just because it is better than your marriage..doesn't mean it is right. Her marriage was probably worse than mine...she often jokes that I am better at being 'divorced' because my divorce became final in 6 months and she has been trying to finalize her divorce for over 7 years. She then said...dog crap is better then our marriages...just because it is better...doesn't mean it is what the Lord has in store...you deserve so much better than what you had. Wow...it really made me stop and think...she is right...I do need to take the time to make sure it is right and what the Lord wants.

So many people are telling me to 'go slow' 'make sure you really get to know him' 'get in an argument' etc....and since we haven't had a lot of time to be in the same physical space...they are right...we need to make sure that we love on a daily basis as well as be lovers.

Eternity is a long time...we can take some time to know that we are sure...

It's been awhile...my kids are surviving...

I haven't posted in awhile...
I guess that is a good thing?
I have been very busy with my kids...my daughter came home from her mission...she and her sister shared an apartment at school. It has been so wonderful to see them both interact, support each other, love each other..want to find a man and marry...(I must say I am very glad they WANT to marry..granted they are a little worried and don't want to rush into anything...but they WANT to marry).
My oldest son is doing well, has an awesome job (just graduated from high school) and is planning on going on a mission in about a year.
My 2 younger boys are surviving quite well also...

I think it has been my 'reprieve/break' for a bit.I know my work was getting pretty crazy last spring (I'm a teacher) and it has been good to have some down time.I am not sure how long it will last - but I am not going to complain.

So...what have I learned?
That time does make things better. I just had a quick conversation about porn with my 16 year old son. I was able to say that I don't want to be 'passively ignorant' about it but it is difficult to talk about for obvious reasons. He just smiled at me and said, "Yeah." Yes, the international teenage phrase for...I get it...it's alright. It made me feel good that I could say something and that he could look me in the eye and say that he knows and stays away from it. I am sure I need to continue to be vigilant..but I am making progress.

I remember asking my girls if I should have stayed with their dad...and they said, "NO, then we would have thought what you and dad had was normal and good." Good point....

My girls talk about how different they perceive marriage - the priorities they have when looking for the right man to share their life with...I really think they understand what an emotional connection is and the importance of having it in a healthy relationship.

My good friend (old roommate) and I have talked alot about losing parents. Her father just died and I have been overwhelmed with reminders of how much my parents loved me and how much I can still feel that love today. It is a huge blessing in my life. I have never felt alone, and I thank the Lord for that...He truly is there for me and for all of us. He loves us and has a plan.

I see my kids interact - argue - giggle and laugh - love each other - want to be there for each other - and I am grateful. I would like to think that the experiences over the last few years has brought them closer together. I know that with my one son moving out -- my daughters going away to school - they all know that they have to TRY if they want to get along and have a relationship. I like to think that they will be closer as adults because they already understand that good family relationships take time and energy. Maybe that is a good thing?

I can only hope and pray that it is....

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

I want more privacy? Really? Now? I don't want to be alone any more...

I haven't written much for the last few months, I am not sure exactly why. I would like to think that in part it is because I have healed quite a bit. I feel stronger. I am more confident. That's a good thing, right?

I am still dating movie dude...I really care for him. I wish he was more 'in' at church but I know that I can't make him go to church. We will see where that goes.

I will say that I truly want to find someone and become companions and more. I want to share my life with him. I want to belong and bond to him. Part of this is Movie Dude's fault...I do kind of like him. He is helping me to realize even more what a 'real' relationship would be like and I want one.

One thing that was weird is that I still talk to my Online Guy every now and then. He has started dating someone so I haven't been texting him as much. He texted me the other day and asked if I was pulling away and moving on. We had a 'discussion' (if you can call texting a discussion) about where boundaries should be if one of us is in a committed relationship with someone. He was trying to say that we could still be friend and talk. He talked about the trust he and the girl he is dating have with each other. I was telling him that once one of us is engaged it is down to Christmas cards (like I really send those) and hi on occasion. He seemed to feel different.

I've been thinking about that and for me it isn't about trust...it is about wanting to bond to my man. It is about wanting to have such a special place for him that friendships with other men have no interest for me. I was feeling that my ability to truly commit to a man has deepened and I am glad. Sometimes I feel that if/when I marry and I am working on my relationship it will be a labor of love. I have looked around a lot these last few years and I can see in the faces of others the struggles that they have over come together and the depth it adds to their relationship. I want that.

I think sometimes that I am insane to think I could bring a man into my life...for one I have a horrible time cleaning my house...it is no pig sty...but I am just so exhausted all the time and I just don't have the energy...between having 2 jobs and my kids and trying to date...house cleaning has taken a bottom step..can you blame me?

Then I think about how working together through it all will be hard, fun, loving, happy, crabby, tiring, and deeper and richer than anything I have experienced in my life to this point. I want to do it.

I do feel some stirrings in my life...so who knows?

I have chatted a few times with a man that lost his wife suddenly, it has been a few years but he is still grieving...and understandably so. He says he wants to date and marry again...but he has kept his life full with his children and has no time. Then I wonder if I will always be thinking 'maybe if I waited'....I don't want to do that.

I was talking to a friend...he said that his friend married a woman that was not a member of the church and he married her because he loved her. Not because he wanted her to be something different, join the church after 6 months or anything...he married her because he loved her. He then asked me if I was ready to give up my dream of a temple marriage to marry him.  Good question...

But I keep telling myself that he wants to be strong in the church...and it is hard for a single man with no kids to remain active. At least he hasn't made any huge mistakes and lost his recommend...he just hasn't got one yet...

Sigh...

Well...on the up side...I am seeing some amazing progress with my kids...I guess time really does make a difference. My daughter is coming home from her mission soon. My other daughter is off to school and growing spiritually by leaps and bounds...it is truly incredible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is aware of my needs. I know it! I know that I will have all that I desire if I can just stay true...I just need to stay on the path!

Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

What makes relationships 'move quickly'? And my boundaries still suck....

Ok...I am dating my new guy...and he has said many times that pace is important and he moves slowly. Sigh...what the heck is that supposed to mean? What is slow? What is fast? Aren't I supposed to just follow my feelings? After all, what did NOT following my feelings do for me...or not even being able to 'feel' my feelings...nothing good. Sigh...I just don't understand anything between 'friends' and 'intimate relationship'. I feel like I am either 'in or out'....I guess that isn't what everyone else thinks?

So I started talking to my new guy...asking him WHO he is? Telling him that 'who he is' is different than 'what he likes to do'. We exchanged some good texts about things...I was asking things like, "What makes you cry, if anything?" "What makes you happy?" "What makes you feel good about yourself?" etc.  It is interesting that as he was answering I was realizing that these types of conversations are what 'deepen' a relationship. So I guess the more we talk about things the more connected I can feel to him? At first we were just doing dinner and movies for our dates...and it was easy to not feel that we were 'moving' in the relationship. But is was weird because we were going out at least once a week for over a month and a half. We would talk about all kinds of things at dinner, work, interests, etc. But nothing 'deep'. A few times I mentioned potentially 'deep or depressing' things such as my mom's death or my divorce and he would act like he wanted to keep it 'happy'. It was just weird for me because the other relationships I had online - that was the focus...share all the skeletons in your closet...and then see if it is worth the effort to see each other. But he just seems to want to 'hang out and have fun'. Hmmmm...that probably has some type of meaning that everyone else understands too...everyone but me.

Anyway...we went for a walk Saturday and I talked about some of my issues and he seemed ok with it. Then we were texting back and forth yesterday and we were talking about 'who' we are....so...maybe it is ok? I told him that I just want to be open and up front with things...and one of the things that is important to me is that I want to 'be understood' and I am not going to assume anything about anything.

Another thing that is weird is that I am seeing people in my ward as we are going out and then I feel that my kids should probably meet him, just to know who he is...nothing more. My plan was to not have 'men parade through the house' and not introduce them to anyone unless I felt there was a strong possibility that I would marry the man. The current man I am dating is no where near that point. So I am seeing him when my kids are with their dad. But I am concerned that the people I am running into will make comments to my kids. For example, "Hey, I saw your mom out with some guy...do you like him?" And of course, my kids would respond, "I have no idea, I have never met him." It just seems wrong. The best scenario would be to have him 'swing by and pick me up' and then have a quick introduction. But they aren't at my house when we go out...plus we just meet somewhere..he has never been to my house. So, I talked to my kids. I explained that I wasn't 'bringing home your new dad' but just 'we are dating'. They didn't seem to care, except my oldest boy (the one that lives with his dad) and he wants to meet him. He thought I should invite him over and make dinner and all watch a movie together. Yeah..NO...I'm not doing that. Sigh...I guess I'll just have to keep thinking about that one...

So, I think I am going out again with him on Thursday..it is kind of a 'permanent date' thing that we have been doing for the last month and a half. It will be interesting to see if he acts any different after all our discussions...the whole.."are we further along in our relationship" question. My online guy is always bugging me about I need more patience...I just need to wait...it will happen if I don't push it. I just don't understand how to do that...

What gets me is that I really don't understand where the boundaries are...I mean we are either friends...or we are dating and considering marriage...I don't know where the different stages or levels are..very frustrating as I try to not appear needy or pushy and I don't really know what I need or what I am pushing..sigh...

He has made a couple of comments about 'pacing' and I am just not sure what that means...I guess I am just thinking...I don't know how much I like you...and I have 'intimacy issues' so I want to know if you will freak me out if we kiss for any length of time and I want to know how I feel when you kiss me so I would like to kiss a bit (more than a couple of good night kisses) so I can actually have time to figure out how I feel...but then I think that I am violating some boundary...if I were to ask someone they would probably say..."Just do what feels natural...don't have any hidden agenda...no control issues" But I don't always recognize my control issues...and I am trying to 'feel' and respond to my feelings and that puts me back into the 'control issues' category...sigh..I guess I'll see if I 'scared him off'...I haven't heard from him today....

Tell me again why I want to do this?

So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

Emotional Connections and Arousal...I guess they both matter?

I have been pondering the whole 'Am I aroused?' 'What is arousal?' 'Should I be aroused and I am not?' etc....

I even talked to my online guy about it.(note to self...don't share this blog with a potential boyfriend again) because he knows about this blog and of course after I talked to him he read all the things I have written. Sigh...it's not that it matters...I am going to keep writing what I feel...there is some healing that happens when I write what I am feeling. The process of putting my emotions and feelings into words that I can 'see' on a page helps me process. I don't know why it works, I just know that it does. And if by some chance, it helps someone else out there in the world..so much better!

Sexual arousal...man I wish I understood it better. I had a rather interesting conversation (messaging) with my online guy about it. I talked about arousal and kissing and not being aroused and knowing that I probably should be aroused and how come I wasn't. He asked me if I was aroused when I was kissing him. Good question...I think I was...but I am not sure...I was so full of anxiety and stress I was lucky I could feel anything. I remember just being amazed that I wasn't freaking out and I was relaxed around him. That started me thinking about if the arousal was different and if so, why? I really don't think I was able to feel much when I was with my online guy because my brain was so full of 'he won't hurt me...it's alright...just kiss him...breathe...it's ok if he touches you...you might enjoy it...he isn't pressuring you, etc.'. I think about the kind of energy I was picking up from him and I don't think I was getting much of anything. Part way through he made the comment, "if we weren't members of the church we'd be half naked in the back seat". I think about that sometimes and wonder how come I didn't feel any anxiety with him. I didn't sense that he wanted more or even wanted me. I felt that he was just trying to 'help' me and he knew I wanted to 'make out' and see if I could do it before I gave myself an ulcer over the anxiety. I wonder if he was suppressing feelings because he thought I would freak out if I picked up on it. Which I might have...I don't know.

Then I think about my 'make out' guy. I remember feeling some control with him that was different. I could tell that he 'wanted' to be with me and wanted whatever I was willing to give. I know that I didn't have near the emotional connection with him compared to my online guy...maybe that is part of it. Maybe I was using him to satisfy my physical desires? I know that I was feeling good knowing I was making him happy, but that is probably part of my 'pleaser' personality. (Some day I would really like to get over some of that) As I talked to my online guy about my 'make out guy' Yeah...it was a little weird...but I am glad I did. We discussed whether it was 'control issues' or not. I think that is part of it. I feel in complete control with make out guy...at least most of the time...there were a few times when I wasn't sure what he was doing and I remember freaking out for just a minute...it was bad enough that he looked at me and asked if I was ok. He asked if I was worried about what he was going to do...it was just a shift of position kind of thing...but I didn't know what he was doing...so I think part of my problem is control issues. I think I am not afraid or nervous if I am in control...and make out guy was always so happy that I was giving him attention that he was content for me to do whatever I wanted. I had made a couple of comments about my past...so he knew I had issues...plus I think that he was not treated well by his previous spouses...and was a 'hen pecked' husband. and that made him trigger different emotional cues from me. He was just so thrilled I was treating him so well he was not going to complain.

So....I told make out guy I would never be able to commit to any type of relationship with him. Sigh...kissing was great..but obviously not enough. My friend keeps telling me I need to quit thinking 'hot sex' and think...Who do I want to grow old with? Sometimes I remember that...but after suppressing my emotions for so long...I just do NOT want to push my feelings and emotions in some corner somewhere and ignore them.

I still have my new guy that I am dating. I think we are going out this week. I am enjoying the 'intellectual' connection. I am having fun getting to know him. He is very 'old school'. I offered to make dinner for him in a couple of weeks when my kids are all gone. (I don't often have my house to myself...so I thought I would try and take advantage of it) He said it was a wonderful offer, but perhaps a little premature...then he reminded me that he moved at a 'glacier' pace. Maybe that is what I need to not 'rush into intimacy'. It is not necessarily what I want...but often what I need is not what I want, you know? I think about how I have enjoyed talking to him about whatever...he told me he was not a big 'texter' but I have seen a dramatic increase in the amount of messaging I am receiving...so I guess you are never too old to learn :)

So...where am I now? Wishing I could have a romantic, physical relationship with a man that has an emotional and intellectual connection to go with it. Which means it needs to be someone that lives close and wants to be with me. I have been thinking a lot about some of the things my 'online guy' said. He told me that if I can find someone to touch my mind and soul...everything else will fall in line. I hope that is true...I want to have someone that is 'equal' to me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, (with physical sprinkled through out). That doesn't mean they have to be 'the same'. It just means that we can relate in all those areas. That he can understand my emotions and support me when needed and I can do the same for him. One of my friends was telling me that all women want the same thing...we want to be wanted. I, for one, now know that being wanted is a wonderful thing.

I went on a 'real' date....

Met a new guy. He messaged me online and his first message was actually a complete paragraph!

He talked about movies and other things..we messaged back and forth a couple of times and then he asked me out (he is local). Man was that weird! I can't remember the last time I just kind of met someone and then went out. I realized that I knew almost nothing about him...we had dinner and saw a movie and it was nice. We chatted about all kinds of things..family, interests, growing up, jobs, etc. I was proud of myself for being able to hold a decent conversation and not be all neurotic and weird. I feel like he is someone I could be interested in and we went out again last night.

So this is what I think...online relationships are very different than your standard generic 'meet someone and let's go out and try and get to know each other'. With my online guy..when I finally met him he knew pretty much every skeleton in my closet...and he didn't care...he still liked me...so there was a different anxiety when we met. I wondered how much of what I imagined him to be was real and how much was fantasy. I wondered if my connection to him was based on what I perceived him to be and I worried he would not be able to live up to what I hoped he would be (who can live up to a fantasy?). With the second guy I went out with it was a little different...we knew the basics about our past relationships and I had an idea of what he was like. He didn't know about all my issues but we both knew enough to know that we both had some. With the man I just went out with? I almost feel like I know 'nothing' and it is kind of weird. I don't know what happened in his first marriage...I don't know how active he is (he joined the church about 10 years ago) and he is a little shy. He hasn't really talked about his feelings about church or past relationships...so parts of getting to know him are much slower...and other parts are much faster. I guess it is just different.

Here is a weird side note...I feel like I can't make a decision when I am with the newest man I am dating. He has asked different times where I would like to go to eat or what I would like to eat and I feel like I can't make a decision. I was thinking about it on the way home...he was trying to be nice and ask me where I wanted to go and I seriously could not decide. I think maybe it is because I don't know him well enough...I am such a 'pleaser' that I want to know the parameters that exist and what he likes before I can make a decision...I want to make sure it is something that he likes. How weird is that?

I will say that the man I just met is easy to talk to. I am able to enjoy his company and I want to get to know him better. I guess it is true what they say...you need to be careful about getting 'physical' too fast. It is certainly a different experience to get to know someone 'in person' first. Sigh...who would have ever dreamed 6 months ago that I would have 3 men interested in me?  Yeah I know...pick up your jaw off the floor...

Then there is the intimacy issue...my latest man is very much a gentleman...opens doors...the first time he called me he said that he wasn't comfortable talking with a woman he didn't know after 10pm at night. Wow that was weird....so we have been out twice...and I have shared a couple of innocent kisses good bye and that is it. Man is that different from my 'make out' guy that went from our first date to kissing during the movie to long periods of kissing...sigh...I still am not sure how I feel about intimacy.

Still surviving....my inner child is preparing for a mature relationship...

I am still dating this other man...not my online guy...he lives too far away...

He wants to make some type of commitment and I don't. I feel like I really need to explore my feelings and being in a committed relationship isn't going to let that happen. I guess part of it is that I feel that he likes me more than I like him. I have never felt that before. Not that I haven't ever had someone like me before that I wasn't attracted to...I guess I just really haven't ever had any type of emotional connection with a man before...well..not until last summer.

When I think about the man I am dating...I think about how 'on paper' we would be a good match. He has been to college and is taller than me...has a stable job...etc...But I think I want more than that this time. I want there to be some fire! I want there to be some passion and excitement. I want it to be real. I want to be able to disagree and feel that strong emotion and then be able to work it out and feel an even greater sense of love. I want to know that I can be myself and be angry and have crabby moods and I will still be loved. Don't get me wrong..that doesn't mean I will be that way on purpose...but I want to feel that I don't have to hide my emotions. I can be me and still be loved. I want a man that will stand beside me. I think dating is helping me to understand exactly what it should feel like.

I am going through some interesting periods..for awhile I felt that I 'needed' someone so bad. That I had to find the man for me and be with him and it would help me to lighten my load and I would be happier. I would not be alone. I don't feel that way now.

I feel that life with a righteous priesthood holder that cherishes and adores me is better than being alone. But I am also recognizing the impact that 'bringing a man home' would have on my children. Maybe it is important for now for me to just be open to the idea? Maybe I just need to be 'willing' to be in a relationship?

I remember being on a date and we were standing in line to get something to eat. He put his arm around me...and it was the strangest sensation. I felt my body relax and I leaned a little toward him. I suddenly realized how hard it has been for me to stand alone and on my own. I understood at a deeper level how incredible it would be to be able to share that burden. To allow someone into my life that would support me and be there for me, as I would be there for him. How that connection was something that never existed in my marriage. Granted, I am a lot older now and my feelings have changed as far as understanding what a relationship is...I look at other couples and see how 'connected' they are and it is like I can see the path it took them to get there...it is like they have been through some real struggles and come out on top. That is what makes a wonderful relationship. They are truly committed to each other and to their relationship.

I saw the movie "Enough Said" (2013) with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. One of my favorite lines as they are going back and forth trying to figure out if they have a relationship that works..she did some things that hurt him and he tells her..."You didn't protect us" it makes me think that a relationship is a living and breathing thing that must be fed...nourished...and protected.

I think it is something that I am gaining a greater desire for...and it is worth striving for...but I don't think I can commit myself to anything right now. And for now, that is ok :)

This time around I want the real deal...you know?

I think I can do this.....

Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)

I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!

We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)

The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.

So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.

This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."

When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath".  I think I am almost there...

As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.

I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....

True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name.  God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.

Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response?  How much time do you have?

Opening My Heart Affects Everything.....

I am still communicating with my 'online guy' and wondering about it...I know, big surprise, huh?

I do think that I am developing more trust in him...and that is a marvelous thing. Does this mean I won't get hurt, no. But it does mean that I am willing to 'put my heart' out there and see what happens.

I will say that I am feeling myself change in a good way. I was sitting in church yesterday...I have been praying lately to be able to 'better hear' what the Lord is trying to tell me...ok, I'll be honest I've been praying about that for awhile...maybe months?  I guess it is a 'work in progress'...

Anyway...as I was sitting in church...I was just feeling how much I loved my kids and the speakers were all talking about the Trek...and I could see my 2 kids that were on the Trek really listening..and feeling the Spirit. As I sat there I was so grateful for the ability I had to be able to 'see outside myself' and be aware of what my kids were feeling.

I was talking to 'my guy' and discussing how things were 'different' and he made the comment that no one had ever listened to me before...I told him that I had very good friends that listen...and he smiled and said, 'I mean in a relationship.' Ok..I'll give him that one...my relationship experiences with men that would listen to me and could express their feelings about me to me...yeah...that kind of hasn't happened yet.  The key to this thought is 'yet'.

I remember when I first started thinking I needed to 'look for a man' one of the thoughts were that if I could 'open my heart' to a man that it would also allow me to 'better love my children'. I don't know why I thought that...but it just made sense. I remember when I was realizing how much of my heart had shut down because of my abuse...that when I started remembering..I couldn't remember just the good, I had to also remember the bad. So I guess that is why I was thinking that if I was going to love a man...it would open my heart and help me to better love my children. Having him 'truly listen' to me has made me so much more aware of how I need to 'truly listen' to my children. The more I think about this..the more I will be eternally grateful that I have met my 'online guy' and that he helped me to open up my heart.

I feel different now...I am not sure exactly what is happening...I am not sure exactly why...but I think I am finally starting to feel 'comfortable in my own skin'. As I was working over the weekend...and I was walking around...looking at people...more aware of eye contact...really 'looking' at who they are and how they are doing. I got joking around with some of my co-workers and I realized that they were being drawn towards me...they were all laughing and smiling...and just having fun. I thought about how it had been awhile since I have been that way...and it felt really good. I am not 'freaking out' so much wondering what others are thinking of me...man it feels good.  Don't get me wrong...I have a ways to go...and I am not oblivious to what people are thinking or feeling about me...I am just not 'worried' about it and I am noticing that I am getting closer to where I want to be.

Oh..did I tell you...my counselor is going to change offices...so...looks like I am weaning myself off counseling also...I guess I am making progress...

If you are reading this and struggling with issues...whether they are like my issues or not...please Don't give up!

Life is a struggle...I know that...I have struggled...I am struggling...but if we can just 'stay true' to knowing who we are...a child of God...born of royal birth...with unlimited potential..and now that yeah...sometimes life just SUCKS...but we just gotta keep going...keep that eternal perspective...and we will make it..

One of my friends was talking to me...she knows about my blog...I told her I was doing better...and that she could read my blog if she didn't believe me...she said, "I don't need to read your blog to know that you are doing better...I can see it in your face."

Healing feels good...

Pros and Cons of Online Dating...

So...I am still communicating with my man but I have yet to met him.

This has become a huge issue for me because as I have written about in the past...my biggest 'sense' of what is happening and 'who' someone is...is what I 'feel and sense' in their presence. I remember all the sessions of counseling where I felt like I was 'deaf and blind' because my counselor would put up an 'emotional wall' to help me focus on what I thought and not use her as a 'mirror' and gauge my emotions off of how she was reacting. Here is what I mean... (picking up on the emotions of others) Well, you can imagine how this is starting to bother me with my online relationship with someone I can't see, touch or feel....

And I am trying to figure out how I feel and what I feel and who he is and what I want....not sure how much success I am having so far...but I am still in the game so that is a good thing.

He has said some interesting things that make me wonder how far down the path of healing I am...and where I need to go...he is extremely patient with me...not sure why (but I am sure it goes back to me having issues with feeling I don't deserve it). I was visiting a friend and she was kidding me that I was 'acting so in love' but she followed up with..."But you seem to think you aren't worthy of it...you don't deserve to be happy." I'm not sure what to think about that...this friend has known me for quite a long time and is very perceptive.  I think she is right. I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it..how am I supposed to 'feel like I deserve happiness'...I guess just keep doing what I am doing...praying, reading the scriptures, trying to do what I am supposed to do. I know that my recent 'scripture reading' and studying the conference issue of the Ensign have been a huge help.

I got a new phone and I am really enjoying it. I can see why my kids were driving me crazy to 'get a smart phone'. Still not sure if I am smart enough for it...but I am learning.  It is awful nice to have the scriptures handy...I went to the Temple last week and I was listening to some conference talks on the way...I listened to Elder Cook's talk Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness and I was intrigued with the end where he quotes John 14:27 because this is a scripture that my counselor has used and I have had several conversations about it with other people. In fact, one time I ended up talking to some of the workers at the Temple about it and I was told I should ask the Temple President. One of the workers came back to me the next week and she had been studying and researching and talking to people all week trying to figure out what exactly was meant by the phrase..."My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..." I have been trying to figure out the difference between the 2 forms of 'peace' and what is the difference..to me it seemed that one was a higher peace...one He is leaving with us...and the other is a gift...to me...a gift has a different significance because it is 'given' (usually out of love) and it must be 'received'. It makes me think of the picture of Christ and how the picture has Him knocking...yet there is no handle for Christ to open the door

because 'we' have to open the door and let him in. So...I kept thinking that was similar to the 2 different 'peaces' that John refers to...one of the Temple workers (the one that promised me she would go home and study for me) came up with the best explanation...the peace that He leaves with us is the peace of the atonement...he has left the gift of forgiveness for all so we can return to live with Our Father In Heaven...but if we 'accept it' (or receive the gift unto ourselves) we can feel that peace within our hearts...kinda cool..gotta say...

Anyway...Do I have a 'peace' regarding my relationship my my man?  Yes...I think I do...are there things that worry me...yes...there are...do I have all the answers?  No, I do not....sigh...guess I'll be working on my 'faith' as well....

I will say that he has opened my heart...I feel that I can love more than before...I feel that I am better able to love my children...my kids just got back from 'Trek" (youth re-enacting the pioneers crossing the plains in the late 1800s) we had a 'fireside/testimony meeting' and I looked over at one of my sons...I could see him squirming...I knew he was feeling the Spirit and was struggling with the decision to go up and bear his testimony.  I was watching him for awhile and he finally turned and caught my eye...his face flushed and he looked away and never looked back at me...he knew I had caught him and knew what was on his mind. I felt so glad that 'he was feeling' what was going on...

I was getting ready for church the other day...we had been talking about getting rid of one of our dogs...I was on my way to my room to 'read' more of my scriptures...righteous desire, right?...and my youngest was sitting on the couch...at first I was going to just walk by...then I got to thinking that there was something wrong...I went and sat by him...he didn't want to talk...I snuggled up to him...put my arm around him...he dropped his head to my lap and I realized he was starting to cry...I learned that he really wanted to keep both our dogs...and so we talked about it and I told him we would do it...but he has GOT to get the dog to start sleeping with him...my bed is getting too crowded...I felt so happy that I was listening better and was able to 'be there' for my kids.  Then last night my daughter started talking to me...and I was smart enough to put my laptop aside and 'truly listen' to her.....I can't express how grateful I am that I am better able to 'be there' for my kids. I remember my counselor making a comment about my 'keeping it together for my kids' and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior that my kids are not angry with God or the church.  I look at everything they have been through and how it is making them stronger...I think about all the 'help and support' I have received from those beyond the veil.....how my knowledge has grown over the past few years...how I never dreamed I would be as strong as I am now...how my understanding of 'angels ministering' has changed...my awareness of 'spiritual beings' being present...my comprehension that I am never alone and have no need to fear...how I now understand that instead of praying to 'have a spiritual experience' to understand that spiritual things are happening every day...all around us...and I want to be worthy to 'feel' them and know they exist....I want nothing more than to feel the 'pure joy' of knowing my Father in Heaven is proud of me....so...my man asked me if I thought I was ready for a relationship...he asked me if I had myself figured out enough to be ready for a commitment...and the answer is yes.  Does that mean it is going to happen?  That is will happen with him?  I have no idea....but I know that I am opening up my heart and that is a very important first step...

So...we had a misunderstanding (my online man and I) and it was bothering me...he was saying he wanted some time to 'cool off' and would get back to me...part of the problem with 'online relationships' is it is hard to figure out what exactly that would mean?  He won't talk to me...till he is ready and I just 'hang out' until then?  He will talk about other things but not what bothered him until he is ready? He will talk about other things...and then 'bring up' the other issue when he is ready?  I wasn't sure what he meant...I understood the whole...I am mad or angry and need some space to think and process...but that is easier to see and understand if you are in the same physical space...but we are talking again...and that is good...

I do think that he is a 'little vague' sometimes...and because I can't 'see or feel' what he is saying...it is harder for me to understand exactly what he is saying...I think it frustrates him because he is trying so hard to understand me...he wants to feel that I am trying to understand him...and unfortunately...the strongest way I have to 'understand him' I can't use because we are still just communicating online...so...I guess it is just a process...

I do know that I will always be grateful to him, regardless of how our relationship turns out...because he has helped me to see that intimacy is a beautiful thing...I don't think I realized how distorted my image of intimacy had become since dealing with my abuse...and now it is something that I want in my life. That may be one of the biggest miracles I have experienced so far in my journey...and I will always be grateful that my 'online guy' came into my life...

Don't close the doors to a better future...just saying....there is too much beauty in the world....you might miss some...

How the heck am I supposed to know if I am in a relationship? And what is intimacy?

I am still talking to the same man that I talked about in my last post.  This is what I have learned.  Dating sucks! Online dating is easier in some ways...but it is still hard to 'put yourself out there'...and when you start talking to guys it is hard to figure out if you 'have something' because he is not asking you out or anything.

So...I went from sending the occasional message that gets a response in a day or so to chatting on facebook with my man.  Can you say 'amp up the relationship with lightning speed'? Wow...just being able to talk about whatever and get an immediate response had a huge impact on what we were talking about.

I can't remember (or maybe I don't want to remember) how soon the conversation turned to sex and I started 'dumping out' my issues. My concerns about having him touch me if we meet, how I want to have a healthy intimate relationship but there are going to be a few bumps in the road. If I think about it it is embarrassing how much information I shared.

The other weird thing is once you bring up sex...because we have both been married before it is easier to start talking more and more about it..the more we talked about it the easier it became to 'keep in my head' without those feelings of 'fight or flight' and I realized that here I was talking about wanting to do all these intimate things and I was not afraid. I was not feeling the fear and panic that I had felt over the last few years when thinking about sex and/or my abuse...so we talked some more...then we realized something...it is hard to figure out what is ok to talk about and what is not. Applying the Law of Chastity on adults that have been married can be tricky.

When I was married I talked about and did all these things and it didn't affect my ability to teach a lesson on Sundays. It had no effect on my spirituality.  There was nothing wrong with talking at all. But now I sit and think if my teenage children were saying the things I was saying I would march them down to see the Bishop. Dating the second time around is just plain weird.  So after a few 'sex conversations/fantasies' we decided to back off a little and then I noticed that as we shared 'dreams/fantasies' with each other it became more about how we felt towards each other. It became how we hoped that if we got married our children would get along and we would have fabulous memories of times spent together. As I was pondering the difference in what we were sharing I was also trying to understand what I was feeling. I began to notice a difference in how I felt about all the 'sex talk' compared to the sharing of dreams talks. I began to feel a warmth in my heart when I thought about him and it seemed so much deeper than the arousal feelings. I thought about how caring he is when he tries to answer my million questions and how important it is for him to understand me. I began to feel a warmth that I had not experienced before. I have decided that it is the beginning of intimacy. I feel it is a connection to him combined with a feeling of desire and arousal.  Wow...I have really been missing out in life. This feeling just kind of warms my soul. I am thinking intimacy is something I will like.

I was talking to my visiting teacher and she has a similar background to mine and she loves to 'sum up' after I talk to her. So she says, "what you are telling me is that you feel the joy of intimacy and want to experience it with him? And you are realizing that it feels good to experience these feelings?" Yeah, that was an understatement. I don't think I have ever felt what I am feeling and I haven't even met my man yet.

Now...don't get me wrong...I realize the danger in developing an emotional connection with someone that I haven't met yet. I realize that instead of the 'truly stud man' I see in his profile it could be like the identity theft commercials and be some punky kid or an old lady or something. So what I am doing is truly trying to 'feel' when he talks or messages me. I am looking to see if he is trying to exercise 'power or authority' over me. Trying to control me...my man is not doing that. I am looking to see if he is avoiding certain questions that I am asking or trying to hide information. My man is not doing that. I am trying to see if he is 'getting something for nothing' out of the relationship...for example the fact that we 'stopped' talking about sex and he is still right there waiting for me is a huge indicator that he is who he appears to be.

Have I met him?  No.
Do I sometimes thing he might be something different than I perceive?  Once in awhile..
Am I going to 'commit' to him before I meet him? No...
Am I falling in love with him?  Yes.
Do I think the Lord helped me through all the trials I have endured the last couple of years  to end up in a failed marriage? No.

So...what do I do?
I stay aware of my spirituality. I 'feel' how I am doing and what I am thinking.  I will be in tune so that I may hear the desires of the Holy Ghost.

I have never had someone communicate such love, patience, compassion, and desire. He makes me feel that his happiness is aided by him pleasing me. Wow...what a concept!

Oh yeah...he is kind of hung up on 'communication'. I think he said it in every sentence the first day or 2 we were talking...but I gotta say..I think that is why we are where we are in our relationship. It just might work.

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!

Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...