Friends...committed relationship...what's in between?

Ok...I am still dating movie dude...and I enjoy his company. He was very hurt by his first marriage many years ago and will barely talk about it. He did say that he doesn't ever want to hurt like that again and so he just 'nips things in the bud' before they can get serious. As a result, he tells me almost every time we go out..."Feel free to keep looking." or "I don't want to stop you from reaching your goal." or "I know you need a spiritual partner to go to the Temple with." or the best one..."I don't mind if you go out with other guys, I trust you." Sigh....

I have been thinking...there must be a purpose for him to be in my life. A reason that 'God put him in my way'...Anyone seen the movie The Four Feathers with Heath Ledger? I love a line from that movie, the main character is being helped by an unlikely friend and is asked why? The friend's response is, "God put you in my way!" I think about that a lot when I think about the men that have come into my life. I truly feel that 'God put them in my way' ...or as in the case of my 'Online Guy' maybe God put me in his way?

I think the purpose of movie dude is to help me understand what exists between a friendship with a man and a committed relationship. I don't have much experience in that area...and I am finding it refreshing. We enjoy each others company yet we are not limited to only interacting with each other. I know he isn't going out with anyone else right now...but it is interesting to think that it is an option. I am trying to process how this affects my emotional connection. Or if there is an emotional connection yet? I feel that I do not need to 'tell him everything' that I am doing. I am not 'obligated to confess' if I talk to another man. It is a very different experience. I do have to confess that I have a completely different perspective on the kids that 'dated around' when I was in high school and I am seeing the wisdom of that concept.

So I am looking forward to better understanding 'the in between' relationship. The ability to care about someone and not have it consume me. The ability to express affection without it meaning I am not 'shackled' to someone.Don't get me wrong, I would not feel this way if I was in a committed relationship, that is a different story. But I think it is a good place for me...a place for me to better understand my emotions and feelings.

Sigh...I am so not ready to get married....besides...if I wait another year and a half...I will have 3 kids over 18 and that will have a huge impact on the drama of my life...and I am thinking I need to start a marriage with as little drama as possible. I don't care how committed we are to each other...we need to be able to nurture the good...and have time to really bond and get to know each other. I think they call that...'Setting yourself up for Success!' That is what I want to do...I want my final relationship to succeed!

What makes relationships 'move quickly'? And my boundaries still suck....

Ok...I am dating my new guy...and he has said many times that pace is important and he moves slowly. Sigh...what the heck is that supposed to mean? What is slow? What is fast? Aren't I supposed to just follow my feelings? After all, what did NOT following my feelings do for me...or not even being able to 'feel' my feelings...nothing good. Sigh...I just don't understand anything between 'friends' and 'intimate relationship'. I feel like I am either 'in or out'....I guess that isn't what everyone else thinks?

So I started talking to my new guy...asking him WHO he is? Telling him that 'who he is' is different than 'what he likes to do'. We exchanged some good texts about things...I was asking things like, "What makes you cry, if anything?" "What makes you happy?" "What makes you feel good about yourself?" etc.  It is interesting that as he was answering I was realizing that these types of conversations are what 'deepen' a relationship. So I guess the more we talk about things the more connected I can feel to him? At first we were just doing dinner and movies for our dates...and it was easy to not feel that we were 'moving' in the relationship. But is was weird because we were going out at least once a week for over a month and a half. We would talk about all kinds of things at dinner, work, interests, etc. But nothing 'deep'. A few times I mentioned potentially 'deep or depressing' things such as my mom's death or my divorce and he would act like he wanted to keep it 'happy'. It was just weird for me because the other relationships I had online - that was the focus...share all the skeletons in your closet...and then see if it is worth the effort to see each other. But he just seems to want to 'hang out and have fun'. Hmmmm...that probably has some type of meaning that everyone else understands too...everyone but me.

Anyway...we went for a walk Saturday and I talked about some of my issues and he seemed ok with it. Then we were texting back and forth yesterday and we were talking about 'who' we are....so...maybe it is ok? I told him that I just want to be open and up front with things...and one of the things that is important to me is that I want to 'be understood' and I am not going to assume anything about anything.

Another thing that is weird is that I am seeing people in my ward as we are going out and then I feel that my kids should probably meet him, just to know who he is...nothing more. My plan was to not have 'men parade through the house' and not introduce them to anyone unless I felt there was a strong possibility that I would marry the man. The current man I am dating is no where near that point. So I am seeing him when my kids are with their dad. But I am concerned that the people I am running into will make comments to my kids. For example, "Hey, I saw your mom out with some guy...do you like him?" And of course, my kids would respond, "I have no idea, I have never met him." It just seems wrong. The best scenario would be to have him 'swing by and pick me up' and then have a quick introduction. But they aren't at my house when we go out...plus we just meet somewhere..he has never been to my house. So, I talked to my kids. I explained that I wasn't 'bringing home your new dad' but just 'we are dating'. They didn't seem to care, except my oldest boy (the one that lives with his dad) and he wants to meet him. He thought I should invite him over and make dinner and all watch a movie together. Yeah..NO...I'm not doing that. Sigh...I guess I'll just have to keep thinking about that one...

So, I think I am going out again with him on Thursday..it is kind of a 'permanent date' thing that we have been doing for the last month and a half. It will be interesting to see if he acts any different after all our discussions...the whole.."are we further along in our relationship" question. My online guy is always bugging me about I need more patience...I just need to wait...it will happen if I don't push it. I just don't understand how to do that...

What gets me is that I really don't understand where the boundaries are...I mean we are either friends...or we are dating and considering marriage...I don't know where the different stages or levels are..very frustrating as I try to not appear needy or pushy and I don't really know what I need or what I am pushing..sigh...

He has made a couple of comments about 'pacing' and I am just not sure what that means...I guess I am just thinking...I don't know how much I like you...and I have 'intimacy issues' so I want to know if you will freak me out if we kiss for any length of time and I want to know how I feel when you kiss me so I would like to kiss a bit (more than a couple of good night kisses) so I can actually have time to figure out how I feel...but then I think that I am violating some boundary...if I were to ask someone they would probably say..."Just do what feels natural...don't have any hidden agenda...no control issues" But I don't always recognize my control issues...and I am trying to 'feel' and respond to my feelings and that puts me back into the 'control issues' category...sigh..I guess I'll see if I 'scared him off'...I haven't heard from him today....

Tell me again why I want to do this?

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?