Ok...I have control issues..counseling was cancelled

Wow...really?  How pathetic am I that I get all bent out of shape if my counseling appointment gets cancelled?

I must say I didn't get as bent out of shape this time...as I have in the past. In the past I would get all worked up...obsess that my counselor hated me...she couldn't mentally deal with having to talk to me again...of course it always made it worse when I would show up the next time...she would apologize for having to change my appointment...this would make me feel like crap...thinking I was so pathetic she felt sorry for me that I couldn't handle a minor thing like post pone a counseling session...then I would be mad at myself for worrying so much...then I get mad that I worry what my counselor thinks...then I would just get mad...

Then I would think to myself...it is no wonder I am in counseling...

Man...life can sure give you a head trip...

So...I get a call a couple of hours before my appointment...I am working...but I see the caller ID and it is my counselor..I can guess that she is going to cancel...I then talk myself out of panicking by telling myself that maybe she just wants to have me come a little later or earlier...that has happened before...

I survive till I can listen to the message...yep...my counselor is sick...so I have to reschedule...

I tell myself that lots of people are sick and it is better that I not go see her if she is not 'up to par' because it probably won't be as beneficial for me...I do think that I would be a 'mentally draining client' but maybe it is just draining on my end...

And I must say...I have so many other things I need to do that it didn't bother me too much.  I was supposed to meet with my boss anyway...and I was better off in the long run because I got through my meeting with my boss and now I am done with that...plus...

Since I didn't freak out I was feeling pretty good about myself by the time the evening came around..and that was a very good thing...

I still have to say...since realizing that she is giving me 'choices' and she will not make me do anything I don't want to do...it has dramatically dropped my anxiety level about counseling.  That in it self is an odd feeling and annoying because it makes me wonder how much anxiety I have carried around all my life thinking I have to 'do things' that I don't want to do and to try and get out of it...

Apparently I am quite 'passive aggressive' and I was starting to behave that way at work...not good...it would be a very bad thing if I was to lost my job...sigh...so I guess it is a good thing that I am realizing it and trying to control it...

And now I have counseling tomorrow...sigh...I wonder if I'll be able to get my 'heart' to talk to my head...

Sometimes I am a little 'cerebral heavy'...can you tell?