Still better than I imagined and I am feeling more

So...we have known each other for over a year now and been married for over half a year. Things are going awesome!

We have had some struggles with our kids - but the best part is none of them have ever even started a comment about 'why did we marry?' I know they can see how happy we are with each other and how different our lives are. I like that part of it.

The down side is that we don't have the privacy of learning more about each other in a home where we are alone. Several of our children live with us and some have returned from college. Some days I feel they are watching us like hawks to see how we are dealing. I think my kids are worse because I was single longer. They don't remember as well when their dad lived with me. We were laughing with his daughter about how we never had an argument. ...yeah....we had our first argument that night.  It was weird in that I didn't cower like I did in the past. I didn't shut down and refuse to talk. We were both upset and took a break - then I went back downstairs and we talked and it was ok. I am so used to pouting and being passive aggressive but I really tried to be a little more mature. He can just let things 'roll off his back' better and was just giving me space. After a few days we had it figured out. Now we both know that we don't want to argue - and we will try to make sure and give the other person the 'benefit of the doubt' and listen a little better. Aren't arguments always about silly things and misunderstandings? We are closer now because we know our relationship is more important than a silly argument.

Intimacy has been interesting. I still am not as relaxed as I wish...but I am getting there. I am pleasantly pleased to learn that I am feeling more than when we first married. It is almost weird..as I was trying to become more in tune with my body I started having all these weird aches and pains. In the past I was known for having all kinds of bruises and such and never knowing where they came from. After I ended up at the Dr for a few different aches and pains I realized that I appeared like a hypochondriac and then my husband mentioned that I was feeling more and he was touching me lightly and I could feel it. I had to laugh to myself as I realized that I wasn't a hypochondriac but I was starting to tune into my body more and it was a little intense sometimes. Very interesting feelings. I think one of the most exciting things about that is that it reminds me that I can change and that my past will not define me. I still don't have a lot of feeling inside but everything else is becoming more sensitive, so I am not giving up.

My girls are loving the fact that he loves, respects and cares about them. It just warms my heart when I see them talk to him and laugh and he says that he loves them and they say, "I know" It's a good thing. They see he isn't perfect and has things about him that bug them but they see how much he loves me and how happy I am. My son that has always felt 'outside' with his dad adores him.

My daughter was dating a guy that had some stuff to deal with and he was hesitant to go to counseling. She told him, "My mom was really screwed up and she went to a LOT of counseling and now she is able to love deeper than I ever thought possible. Go get some counseling!" I am still trying to decide if that was a compliment...lol!

I had a friend that has just gone through a terrible mess with her marriage and she started her problems when I was getting married. She didn't want to spoil my happiness so she just kind of distanced herself. Her divorce is final now and she told me....I needed to see you so happy!  Then she said, I had no idea how lonely divorce was....I am so sorry. I smiled at her and said, "Don't you remember how often I would tell you how much I appreciated your friendship and time and how you would come up to me and hug me??  Now you know how much it meant." We never know what we are able to give to others.  I pray that this blog helps other women to know that there is always hope in love and Our Father in Heaven always has a plan for us. Don't ever give up!

As I sit her on the couch...thinking about my life...realizing how far I have come...I know it was painful...but it is like I almost don't want to go back and read about my past. I have been able to put it in a box...I understand it better...I can see the strength I received from my Heavenly Father and I know that my Savior never left my side. He lives and I know it with every fiber of my being!  Don't ever give up on His love!

Dealing with intimacy issues while dating...or preparing to date...

So...we have spend many hours talking about pretty much anything.

I was joking with him one time...that we could talk about anything...Anything I said?  Anything. How about menopause?  He laughed and said, "We can talk about hemorrhoids if you want."

I can't describe how fun it is to have the conversation go from church to kids to intimacy to kids to work to kids...it just is so much fun...we laugh about how we can talk forever! I can feel myself opening up to him...connecting to him...I think of all the emotions I used to have as a kid...feeling that I could look at people - gaze into their eyes and truly feel their emotions and understand them at a level deeper than most people even realize exists. And that has begun with him...we joke about me finishing his sentences...we will be messaging and occasionally he will say, "Get out of my mind woman!" and we both laugh...it feels so good to be connected with someone..to just to be able to 'feel' and know that I am alive and living...I don't know if that makes any sense...but for me...it is vital.

So...back to intimacy...
Sigh...yeah...I keep talking about it with him...I remember one time I said, "I really am not a pervert...I just need to talk about this." He responded..."Of course, I understand with my intellect what your needs are, you need to feel safe." wow...my mouth about dropped open on that one...

So...why do I need to talk about intimacy so much?

Because if I marry My Man...I want to be present and feel everything there is to feel. I want to be able to truly love him...in every aspect...emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. I want to be able to give my all to my husband and lover.

Therefore...
I need to know how he will touch me...
Is his touch demanding something...or is it giving...
How he will react if I don't want to do something.
(My Man has said, you can tell me no. My ex told me no a lot...I'm used to it)
How he will ask me to do things.
What he will want to do...
I want to feel that we are doing something together...not him doing something to me..if that makes any sense...
How patient will he be...
What if I am not ready for intercourse the minute we get to our hotel after marriage...

I talked to him about how I have had times where I kind of 'space out' when being intimate and I don't want to do that with him...So, one of the first times we were kissing...his face was close to mine...and he was holding me...and kissing me softly and whispering..."Stay with me." Sitting here writing this it brings tears to my eyes...realizing how much he wanted me to be 'present'. He isn't just trying to 'get off' on his own personal thrill, he wants to bring me pleasure and joy...he wants to share intimacy with me. He wants to be intimate with me. He wants me to feel loved and desired and cherished and respected. I don't think I need to tell you that being with My Man is a whole different world and I think I like it.

You know what the best part of this particular time in our relationship is?
He wants to make me happy. I can feel that he is the type of man that feels more like a man when he can care for a woman and make her feel loved. It is almost like he is getting excited about being able to help me feel comfortable enough to relax and enjoy intimacy. (It kind of reminds me of when I took my massage class before I married - in the hopes I would get over some of my touch issues. All my classmates wanted to give me a massage because they wanted to see if they could do it in a way that I was comfortable - it was pretty obvious that I was extremely conservative...lol)  He so WANTS to 'please me' and it makes him feel like more of a man to care and please his woman.

Wow...how lucky can I get? All that and brains too...oh...and his hairy chest (sorry - I know he will read this and I do love a good hairy chest.).

I have been thinking the last few days about if we are going to end up committed for eternity (we have decided that if we marry we will have an engagement long enough to try and get a cancellation of my sealing to my ex - I am understanding we will need at least 3 months) that I need to be willing to let him go if that is what the Lord wants for me. I don't know if that makes sense either...one of those...if you love them set them free...kind of moments. It makes me feel that if I can go to the Lord and say if the Lord has a different plan for me - I will follow it. If I can do that...then if we commit...it will be by choice and with the blessing of the Lord. I am pretty sure that is what we both want.

Wish me luck!

Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

Triggers and Tears...Now why am I crying?

When I was still married...my ex used to make fun of me when I cried. I was teaching Gospel Doctrine for a couple of years (this was when I think I was really starting to go down hill emotionally - I asked my counselor friend once why I would be asked to teach Gospel Doctrine when I felt so messed up - she said, "Maybe the Lord is trying to help you read your scriptures more?") I think she was right.  Anyway, at the end of almost every lesson, I would bear my testimony and I would feel the Spirit so strongly that it would bring tears to my eyes. I remember one day after church. I was sitting on the couch and my ex came home (he stayed after church for meetings) and he said to the kids, "Well, mom was crying in church again today." And the kids would like at me like, wow mom...what's wrong with you? So sad....my counselor friend told me that I was becoming more in tune to my spiritual side so it was stronger than I was accustom to and my ex was shutting his emotions out, hence he was extremely uncomfortable when I was emotional. His solution to that was to insult me when I was emotional.

So now...my kids hate it when I cry. I don't cry nearly as much as I did...but I still do cry and I am glad. My daughter on her mission has told me a couple of times that she is trying to be more comfortable with tears. Amazing the damage a parent can do, you know? I sometimes worry that my kids are afraid to feel their emotions, for fear that they will become emotional and cry and be made fun of.  Not good!

Anyway...I had to go to court the other day. My ex was trying to get child support out of me since another child has graduated from high school...yeah...because she doesn't cost any money now...whatever...

We were sitting with a lawyer/mediator before going in front of the judge and I was overwhelmed with sadness. It took all I could manage to not cry. I couldn't even look at my ex. I began to realize the sadness was coming from him. He was like this big black hole that was sucking all the goodness out of everything around him, so much anger and blame. I was realizing I didn't really care what the outcome was going to be, I just didn't want to argue and I didn't want to give him any 'fuel' to use against the kids. For example, he says my son never stays the night...true...but he comes by my house several times a week and 'raids my fridge' and I pay for his phone. So yeah...I'm supporting him...at least partially. But if I say that to my ex, he will tell my son not to come to my house...so I just kept my mouth shut. I guess it worked..because the judge denied his request. I kept wondering what was causing the tears...my counselor friend told me that I must be healing more. That maybe I could feel more of how the Savior feels towards my ex, sad that he is not making good decisions. Maybe. I know I didn't feel angry with him. It was weird to feel the tears come. I was trying to slyly (can you wipe tears away slyly?) wipe my eyes, I didn't want to look like some weak emotional wreck...but I didn't want to 'shut off' my feelings. I held it together. I would be interested now to see myself in a mirror while we went before the judge. Looking back now I think I was sitting as far away from him as possible while still sitting in the chair next to my ex. I am sure my body language was screaming..."I want nothing to do with this man!" I think I felt afraid that he would 'suck me into his negative hole'. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him. Sad...

The other day I was at my best friend's house and we were talking about dating and 'movie dude'. We were talking about control issues..I was realizing that I was still trying to 'control' things when I was with him. I would start to feel anxiety about if he was going to touch me, how he was going to touch me, etc. and so to get rid of the anxiety I would just start touching him. Well, he mentioned to me that he likes to initiate once in awhile. So that got me thinking about why I wasn't able to 'sit back' and let him come to me. I told my friend that I was feeling that any time he touched me I had to 'touch back' and to be touching him in a way that was hopefully pleasing/arousing. My friend then said, "Sounds like you need to keep your hands off him. Let him come to you." As I pondered why that seemed difficult, I began to cry. She asked me what triggered the tears...as I thought about it...I felt that I didn't deserve to have someone that would just want to touch me to show that he cared. To touch me because he just wanted to, not because I necessarily had to touch him back. He just wanted to 'give' to me. Then that made me feel like crap because I couldn't even let someone touch me and 'accept his touch' without thinking I needed to do something back, that I 'owed him' something back. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I guess it goes back to my self esteem and feeling that I am not worth loving. Sigh...I would really like to move beyond some of this...you know?

So, that brings me to today. He likes to work out at the gym and like I have said, I have been going to the gym myself. He asked if I wanted to come to the gym and we could workout at the same time. Sounds simple enough, right?  You would think so, anyway. I joke with him that, 'I'm not sure our relationship is at that level'. You know, seeing each other ugly and sweaty. He joked and said it would be fine. So...I decide to just go 'as me'. T shirt and shorts...no showered or curled hair. After all, he has been to my house when it was messy and didn't seem to care...so why try and be something that I am not, right? So...then I am driving to meet him at the gym and I start to cry. Granted, I don't necessarily enjoy crying...but I have learned that it is an indication of something and I will benefit if I can figure out what. I was trying to think about why I was crying (it was just a few tears rolling down my cheeks) and the only thing I could come up with was that I was allowing him to make judgements about my physical body and what I was doing. That he would be in a position that he could criticize me, or that I would not be good enough, that I would be doing whatever and he might tell me I am doing it wrong. It was weird...then I start having these conversations in my head (no worries, I am not crazy or possessed) with him. Afraid that he would laugh at me. Then I am trying to defend myself and tell him that it is hard for me because the track record of men in my life 'standing by me' is not very good. That made me think about my ex, about my brothers, about how I always wished growing up that I had a better relationship with my dad, etc. Yeah, I had a few more tears after that...

Finally I get to the gym. He texts me and tells me where he is. This gym is about 3 times as big as the one I usually go to. I am feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. I am afraid to go look for him. How stupid is that? So, I see him on a treadmill and I go into another room. I don't want to go up and bother him. I make some attempts to feel comfortable and start using some of the equipment. Eventually I am on a bike and he comes to find me. He was very sweet, gave me a quick kiss, smiled and chatted a minute and then he went back to his treadmill. He came back later to tell me he was about done and we set a time to meet downstairs. I play around on some machines and then I go meet him. I don't want to change clothes (didn't bring any anyway) I don't like changing in public locker rooms (garments and all) and I see that he has changed his clothes. Oh well, we shall see what happens....

He stands up and gives me a kiss, puts his arm around me (I'm still kinda sweaty) and he doesn't care. Ok, gotta say..that kind of surprised me. We pick a place to have lunch. I make a crack about my hair being 'real' and he tells me it looks just great. After lunch he walks me to my car and we kiss goodbye. Apparently, he doesn't care that I am sweaty and it is nice. :) Another thing, kissing is more fun when it is his idea...maybe I can learn to keep my hands to myself...at least until he starts things...Maybe he really does like me for me...all of me...good and bad.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Later I texted him and said I was glad he didn't care that I was sweaty...he told me sweaty can be good and he thought I was cute. It made me think about what my friend said (she met him last week) she said, "He's a keeper." As I am typing this part...I am almost tearing up. Thinking about how different my emotions are with movie dude compared to anything that I can remember feeling in my marriage. I think I am opening up my heart. Does this mean that I will marry movie dude? I have no idea. Does this mean I am not afraid of being hurt? Nope...I could be very hurt. But I feel that I need to be brave enough to try. If what I am feeling now is so much better than anything that I can remember in my marriage...I am not sure I can even imagine what it would be like to be married and make covenants with a man that truly loves me and the Lord. But I want to find out.

Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?

So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

Emotional Connections and Arousal...I guess they both matter?

I have been pondering the whole 'Am I aroused?' 'What is arousal?' 'Should I be aroused and I am not?' etc....

I even talked to my online guy about it.(note to self...don't share this blog with a potential boyfriend again) because he knows about this blog and of course after I talked to him he read all the things I have written. Sigh...it's not that it matters...I am going to keep writing what I feel...there is some healing that happens when I write what I am feeling. The process of putting my emotions and feelings into words that I can 'see' on a page helps me process. I don't know why it works, I just know that it does. And if by some chance, it helps someone else out there in the world..so much better!

Sexual arousal...man I wish I understood it better. I had a rather interesting conversation (messaging) with my online guy about it. I talked about arousal and kissing and not being aroused and knowing that I probably should be aroused and how come I wasn't. He asked me if I was aroused when I was kissing him. Good question...I think I was...but I am not sure...I was so full of anxiety and stress I was lucky I could feel anything. I remember just being amazed that I wasn't freaking out and I was relaxed around him. That started me thinking about if the arousal was different and if so, why? I really don't think I was able to feel much when I was with my online guy because my brain was so full of 'he won't hurt me...it's alright...just kiss him...breathe...it's ok if he touches you...you might enjoy it...he isn't pressuring you, etc.'. I think about the kind of energy I was picking up from him and I don't think I was getting much of anything. Part way through he made the comment, "if we weren't members of the church we'd be half naked in the back seat". I think about that sometimes and wonder how come I didn't feel any anxiety with him. I didn't sense that he wanted more or even wanted me. I felt that he was just trying to 'help' me and he knew I wanted to 'make out' and see if I could do it before I gave myself an ulcer over the anxiety. I wonder if he was suppressing feelings because he thought I would freak out if I picked up on it. Which I might have...I don't know.

Then I think about my 'make out' guy. I remember feeling some control with him that was different. I could tell that he 'wanted' to be with me and wanted whatever I was willing to give. I know that I didn't have near the emotional connection with him compared to my online guy...maybe that is part of it. Maybe I was using him to satisfy my physical desires? I know that I was feeling good knowing I was making him happy, but that is probably part of my 'pleaser' personality. (Some day I would really like to get over some of that) As I talked to my online guy about my 'make out guy' Yeah...it was a little weird...but I am glad I did. We discussed whether it was 'control issues' or not. I think that is part of it. I feel in complete control with make out guy...at least most of the time...there were a few times when I wasn't sure what he was doing and I remember freaking out for just a minute...it was bad enough that he looked at me and asked if I was ok. He asked if I was worried about what he was going to do...it was just a shift of position kind of thing...but I didn't know what he was doing...so I think part of my problem is control issues. I think I am not afraid or nervous if I am in control...and make out guy was always so happy that I was giving him attention that he was content for me to do whatever I wanted. I had made a couple of comments about my past...so he knew I had issues...plus I think that he was not treated well by his previous spouses...and was a 'hen pecked' husband. and that made him trigger different emotional cues from me. He was just so thrilled I was treating him so well he was not going to complain.

So....I told make out guy I would never be able to commit to any type of relationship with him. Sigh...kissing was great..but obviously not enough. My friend keeps telling me I need to quit thinking 'hot sex' and think...Who do I want to grow old with? Sometimes I remember that...but after suppressing my emotions for so long...I just do NOT want to push my feelings and emotions in some corner somewhere and ignore them.

I still have my new guy that I am dating. I think we are going out this week. I am enjoying the 'intellectual' connection. I am having fun getting to know him. He is very 'old school'. I offered to make dinner for him in a couple of weeks when my kids are all gone. (I don't often have my house to myself...so I thought I would try and take advantage of it) He said it was a wonderful offer, but perhaps a little premature...then he reminded me that he moved at a 'glacier' pace. Maybe that is what I need to not 'rush into intimacy'. It is not necessarily what I want...but often what I need is not what I want, you know? I think about how I have enjoyed talking to him about whatever...he told me he was not a big 'texter' but I have seen a dramatic increase in the amount of messaging I am receiving...so I guess you are never too old to learn :)

So...where am I now? Wishing I could have a romantic, physical relationship with a man that has an emotional and intellectual connection to go with it. Which means it needs to be someone that lives close and wants to be with me. I have been thinking a lot about some of the things my 'online guy' said. He told me that if I can find someone to touch my mind and soul...everything else will fall in line. I hope that is true...I want to have someone that is 'equal' to me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, (with physical sprinkled through out). That doesn't mean they have to be 'the same'. It just means that we can relate in all those areas. That he can understand my emotions and support me when needed and I can do the same for him. One of my friends was telling me that all women want the same thing...we want to be wanted. I, for one, now know that being wanted is a wonderful thing.

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

How the heck am I supposed to know if I am in a relationship? And what is intimacy?

I am still talking to the same man that I talked about in my last post.  This is what I have learned.  Dating sucks! Online dating is easier in some ways...but it is still hard to 'put yourself out there'...and when you start talking to guys it is hard to figure out if you 'have something' because he is not asking you out or anything.

So...I went from sending the occasional message that gets a response in a day or so to chatting on facebook with my man.  Can you say 'amp up the relationship with lightning speed'? Wow...just being able to talk about whatever and get an immediate response had a huge impact on what we were talking about.

I can't remember (or maybe I don't want to remember) how soon the conversation turned to sex and I started 'dumping out' my issues. My concerns about having him touch me if we meet, how I want to have a healthy intimate relationship but there are going to be a few bumps in the road. If I think about it it is embarrassing how much information I shared.

The other weird thing is once you bring up sex...because we have both been married before it is easier to start talking more and more about it..the more we talked about it the easier it became to 'keep in my head' without those feelings of 'fight or flight' and I realized that here I was talking about wanting to do all these intimate things and I was not afraid. I was not feeling the fear and panic that I had felt over the last few years when thinking about sex and/or my abuse...so we talked some more...then we realized something...it is hard to figure out what is ok to talk about and what is not. Applying the Law of Chastity on adults that have been married can be tricky.

When I was married I talked about and did all these things and it didn't affect my ability to teach a lesson on Sundays. It had no effect on my spirituality.  There was nothing wrong with talking at all. But now I sit and think if my teenage children were saying the things I was saying I would march them down to see the Bishop. Dating the second time around is just plain weird.  So after a few 'sex conversations/fantasies' we decided to back off a little and then I noticed that as we shared 'dreams/fantasies' with each other it became more about how we felt towards each other. It became how we hoped that if we got married our children would get along and we would have fabulous memories of times spent together. As I was pondering the difference in what we were sharing I was also trying to understand what I was feeling. I began to notice a difference in how I felt about all the 'sex talk' compared to the sharing of dreams talks. I began to feel a warmth in my heart when I thought about him and it seemed so much deeper than the arousal feelings. I thought about how caring he is when he tries to answer my million questions and how important it is for him to understand me. I began to feel a warmth that I had not experienced before. I have decided that it is the beginning of intimacy. I feel it is a connection to him combined with a feeling of desire and arousal.  Wow...I have really been missing out in life. This feeling just kind of warms my soul. I am thinking intimacy is something I will like.

I was talking to my visiting teacher and she has a similar background to mine and she loves to 'sum up' after I talk to her. So she says, "what you are telling me is that you feel the joy of intimacy and want to experience it with him? And you are realizing that it feels good to experience these feelings?" Yeah, that was an understatement. I don't think I have ever felt what I am feeling and I haven't even met my man yet.

Now...don't get me wrong...I realize the danger in developing an emotional connection with someone that I haven't met yet. I realize that instead of the 'truly stud man' I see in his profile it could be like the identity theft commercials and be some punky kid or an old lady or something. So what I am doing is truly trying to 'feel' when he talks or messages me. I am looking to see if he is trying to exercise 'power or authority' over me. Trying to control me...my man is not doing that. I am looking to see if he is avoiding certain questions that I am asking or trying to hide information. My man is not doing that. I am trying to see if he is 'getting something for nothing' out of the relationship...for example the fact that we 'stopped' talking about sex and he is still right there waiting for me is a huge indicator that he is who he appears to be.

Have I met him?  No.
Do I sometimes thing he might be something different than I perceive?  Once in awhile..
Am I going to 'commit' to him before I meet him? No...
Am I falling in love with him?  Yes.
Do I think the Lord helped me through all the trials I have endured the last couple of years  to end up in a failed marriage? No.

So...what do I do?
I stay aware of my spirituality. I 'feel' how I am doing and what I am thinking.  I will be in tune so that I may hear the desires of the Holy Ghost.

I have never had someone communicate such love, patience, compassion, and desire. He makes me feel that his happiness is aided by him pleasing me. Wow...what a concept!

Oh yeah...he is kind of hung up on 'communication'. I think he said it in every sentence the first day or 2 we were talking...but I gotta say..I think that is why we are where we are in our relationship. It just might work.

Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....

Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?

Counseling makes me crazy!

Ok...my counselor was on vacation...so I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks. I have been seeing her once a week for over 6 months..I probably missed a week here or there for holidays...but not many.  My guess is it has been a very relaxing 3 weeks for her...I felt that I was doing pretty good...until now. I have my appointment tomorrow...

I just don't get why I can't figure out the rules of the client/therapist relationship. I get angry and frustrated all the time and have all these conversations in my head with her and I usually end up getting mad at her for whatever comes to mind. It is like everything she says is going to make me angry...sometimes I think it is because I want her to care about me...so I want to make her mad so she then communicates that she cares I guess?  Man it makes me feel messed up...I guess it is all the boundaries crap I just can't get...

I feel that there is so much to talk about...I called and asked if I could have 2 hours scheduled...the secretary called back and said she wants to stay with one hour...this, of course makes me think I drive her crazy and she can't stand to talk to me. Then I wonder if she just hates the days that I come to see her...if the times she suggested I go and see someone else if it was because she really doesn't want to talk to me...then I wonder if maybe she does like me and wants to help but it is part of the whole 'boundary' crap and she knows that I won't get stronger if I don't have the ability to stand on my own two feet. She can't be my friend and I hate going into her office and wondering if she is going to be open or if she is going to have her 'emotional wall' up and sit there and watch me freak out? It reminds me of the time I was griping to her about 'her having her wall up' and she says, "Do you have any idea the energy you bring in here?"  Of course I respond yes...but I really don't...I have no idea how my energy is perceived...I do get the drift that I have quite a wide spectrum of energy...but even that is based on what?  My perspective...and what is that?  What is my point of reference?  I have no idea...

I sit and think what I am going to say tomorrow..everything from when she opens the door and says hi...to when I have to walk down the hall to her office...I am just glad it isn't very far...I want to say so many stupid, smart aleck things...and what is the point of that?  What good will that do me?  If I try to be mature for a minute I realize that she is a counselor, it is her job to listen to me and help me figure out ways to better deal with my emotions...so..is she supposed to be my friend?  no...it is just weird to try and figure out how I can share all my secrets with someone and have that person not mean anything...

I am trying to figure out if I should discuss some of the sacred things I have experienced this last week...so I send her an email and ask if her office/building has been dedicated like the churches are? My counseling friend talks about how her office is a sacred place because people share their innermost thoughts and that each person deserves respect as a child of God. I figured that would be a reasonable question...her office is part of LDS Services next to DI so I was wondering if the buildings were dedicated...but no response..

That made me mad...granted I used to send a ton of emails but I don't anymore...and it was a simple question...why couldn't she just answer it?  She made the comment a couple of visits back when she said I was acting like a kid...then she said she expected it because a lot had been happening...and it was no big deal..well..I am thinking I am really going to be acting like a flippin idiot tomorrow...I feel that I want to be true to my feelings...but I would also like to act as if I have some sort of control of my emotions...

Ahhhhhhhh.....I hate it when I get like this!

Then I want to just shut down and not say anything...but that doesn't help either...then I get her lecture of 'why do you come to counseling?' 'What do you want to get out of therapy?'

How the hell should I know what I want? I'm screwed up, remember? I just don't want to feel this way anymore...that's what I want...

Man...some days I wonder if I will ever get out of therapy...

Ok...I have been thinking about it...I am glad I am going to counseling...it is just hard...but then...(of course) my counselor did say it would be hard...nothing like being warned...

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

Searching for my abuser..."I wouldn't do it!"

I am frustrated that I can't remember how my abuse started. I just know some of the horrible things that boy did to me and I can't figure out how I allowed it. I just can't believe that he could have done the things he did to me without something else happening before that. I am sure he was being abused...he couldn't come up with all that stuff on his own..I don't see how I could have been 'under his power' to that extend without something happening before that....some type of trauma or horrible experience...

I wanted to sit down with someone and go over all my family members and family dynamics and see what I can come up with. I tried to see if I could see my counselor...but she just left on vacation for 2 weeks. I tried to see if I could visit with another counselor that works in the same place, the one that helped me with the 'tappers' and she is also not available for the next week or so. I guess the Lord wants me to take care of this one myself...

I got thinking of a distant relative that I remember my mother said had molested his step daughters and a few other women in my family that I think or know were abused...it was a little disturbing to think it was more than 2 of us. It is funny how you perceive your family to be so awesome and together...then sometimes you look a little closer and it can be disturbing....sigh...it does make me wonder if there are any families that exist that are 'untouched by abuse'?

I called the wife of a cousin that is in this family and talked to her...it was so great to be able to open up to someone. She seemed so knowledgeable about abuse, I finally asked her how she knew so much and she reminded me that she used to work for the sheriff's department and they always sent the 'abuse victims' to her to help and support. She told me that she knows over 100 people that were abused and I would be amazed at who they were...we discussed the abuser of my relatives and I found out eventually that he liked young ladies (12-14) and not little girls (my abuse started before I was 7 years old). It was weird to talk about it so open and honestly. She was very aware of the abuser's history, there was no doubt he had harmed girls but I didn't fit his pattern. It was strangely satisfying to know that I was believed and yet was also able to eliminate a suspect.

With that small piece of 'calm' I began thinking about what some people have said..."Why do you want to dig up all that pain?" "Why can't you just let it go?" "What if you can't remember?" "What are you afraid of remembering?" I don't know the answers to those questions...what I do know is that I need to do something different than what I have been doing to put it to rest.  I can't just ignore it, that is what I have been doing the past 40+ years and look where it is has got me.

As I pondered this conversation in my head with my counselor (I don't want you to think I was talking or arguing with myself) I kept saying, Why? Why?Why? I found myself yelling to her in my head, "Because I wouldn't do it! I wouldn't do what he made me do if I had a choice! Something must have happened, before the abuse I can remember happened!"

As I said these words in my head my anxiety began to drop...I pondered why and decided that the words I was just yelling in my head 'felt right'. I wouldn't do it. I was innocent of the responsibility for what happened to me. I was not guilty of any sin. I had no reason to feel any shame or guilt. I have been trying to tell myself this for the past year or so...but this time it seemed to resonate in my soul. The emotion, intensity, and power of what I was 'yelling in my head' felt so strong and true. The words and what they meant seemed to settle deep in my heart and 'fit'. I have gained a new solidness and peace deep in my heart...I will do all that I can to keep it there...

I think I have some wonderful people in my family that love me and care for me. I also feel that there are some skeletons that no one has ever talked about...not alot...but some...and my family doesn't know how to talk about things....

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Counseling, Core Beliefs and Trying to Move a Mountain....(otherwise known as change)..

Ok...survived another session of counseling...
So here is what I have figured out...for whatever reason...when I was a child I understood that my opinions weren't as valid or important as the opinions of those around me...who knows how I came to this...but it resulted in my becoming quite perceptive to the emotions and thoughts of those around me.  I would then 'tune in' to others and try to do what I perceived that they wanted. This evolved into me feeding my self esteem on the ability to make others happy...in case you are curious...this is not a recipe for success.

I still don't know how my abuse started...but I can better understand why I didn't have the ability to say no or get away from him. I think that is why I felt I was a willing participant (that and the fact that I had disassociated from the pain and fear)...it was what he (my abuser) wanted.  Sigh...

My counselor talked about how 'confusing' it must have been to feel that I would be happy doing what other people wanted...but then when I was doing it it wasn't happy at all...sometimes I hate it when she does this..it is like 'Wow..that must have been so confusing for you as a small child..you couldn't process or understand it?" It is like she is almost 'baby talking' and I am sitting there nodding my head yes...part of me thinks she is trying to make me think that the thought has just occurred to her...but it is more likely that my healing is just following a textbook...and she is pretending to just 'realize' this stage...that is the part that bugs me...I don't know if I am just like everyone else that is trying to heal..basically going through the same stages..if so...dang!  Give me the textbook so I know what is happening...but that will probably 'interfere with the process'...and I won't learn for myself.  I hate it when you have to 'reinvent the wheel'. (Kind of like my job as a teacher...I am so tired of 'reinventing the wheel') Gotta say...sometimes growth sucks!

Then my counselor talked about how I would come into counseling (I have been in counseling off and on for almost 3 years...I didn't really start to deal with my abuse until about 8 months ago)...she talked about how I was so programmed to 'pick up on the emotions of others' and then I would come in and be almost obsessed with trying to figure out what she was thinking...so I could figure out what I was thinking...and she wasn't letting me in. I felt that she had an emotional wall up to block me from understanding what she was thinking and feeling...I couldn't see or feel what she thought..so I had no idea what I thought...it was like I had gone deaf (disconnecting as a child to my own feelings and emotions) and had learned to adapt...then I would go into counseling and suddenly I was also blind. I remember feeling void of any emotional input. I was putting out my feelers and getting 'nothing'. Extremely frustrating, in case you didn't pick up on that, to not be able to get any feedback from what I was doing or trying to communicate. She went on to mention that it sent me right back to being a kid, emotionally...I am pretty sure I would be embarrassed by how I acted sometimes in counseling...but hey...what can I say...nothing I can do about it now. So, of course, my counselor goes on about 'how frustrating that must have been for you' back to the baby voice...yeah...like getting frustrated at counseling was a concept I hadn't pondered or experienced...NOT!

So then we were talking about 'core beliefs'. This is another chapter in Mind Over Mood that talks about what your basic belief is (mainly about yourself). For example one of my core beliefs is that if anyone 'knew about my past...they would think I was a bad person and not like or approve of me'...this, of course, led me to constantly feel that my counselor hated me...because I was telling her all my 'dark secrets' and then I wasn't getting any emotional feedback to give me a response or reaction to how she was thinking...I didn't have any information to change my opinion...so...presto...she must think I am a loser and hate me. This is another example of a thought pattern that does not...shall we say...set you up for success or nuture a positive mental state.

So...what do I do to change these thought patterns that I have clung to for so many years...apparently it is ok if I don't 'get over it quickly'. That is comforting...because I am pretty sure I won't. I came up with a couple of phrases...one is..."I was sexually abused and the Lord loves me:" If I stick in the word 'still' or 'but' it doesn't count...because that changes the meaning of the phrase...it implies I don't deserve it. I did come up with this on my own...I guess that is good...my counselor seemed pleased...(but that implies that I am getting my answers through the impressions and thoughts of others...so I'll have to see how it works for me :)

My counselor asked me what I thought got things moving and changing in my head...that was easy to answer...when she told me she wasn't going to force me to do anything...then I heard/felt the emotion in her voice when she said, "You have been forced to do too many things in your life...I won't do that to you...not here...not in this room."  I think I will always remember how hearing that pulled me out of a fog...I did write a poem about it...one of the 'cleanest' poems ( I wrote it all out in about half an hour and only ended up changing a couple of words - very little pondering of what to say it just seemed to flow) "What is Trust?" I am still not too sure why it had such a huge impact on me...maybe it was the compassion in her voice...especially after so many months of 'no emotional feedback'. There was a desperation and sincerity in her voice...as if it was very important for me to understand that she truly meant it. I asked her at my next appointment why she said it so strongly...she said she just felt really impressed to make sure I was 'hearing' her.. I think she was feeling frustrated that I wasn't progressing, or trusting her, or whatever she was expecting me to do...there I go...feeling like I am not doing what people expect of me...that is another habit/core belief that I need to break...but one thing at a time...

She asked me how understanding that trust changed things...I said it gave me permission to be me...I was free...and I didn't know I wasn't free...until she said it...So...I guess I am making good progress...I still feel that a big chunk of my 'anxiety/depression' has dropped off and is gone...it has been almost 2 weeks and so I figure that is a good thing...

Next step, I guess, is to repeat my little phrases and see what it does...

I wouldn't say I trust my counselor completely...but I do think I am making progress...

Oh yeah...still haven't crossed over my wall...guess I am a big chicken!  I'm going back to the Temple in a couple of days...that might help!

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

I am an official member of the 'I am Still Standing' Club!

Ok...
So I have been hanging out at the Temple A LOT on Fridays...many of the workers now greet me like an old friend.  It is a wonderful feeling....

One lady in particular has been wonderful and I feel very close to her. She made the comment last week..."There is so much love around you...I don't even know you and I love you!" I spent a little time talking to her after and she mentioned that she had been to counseling several times...then she mentioned how excited she was for me...that I was on the edge of some really wonderful things. Well...that was a wonderfully nice thing to say...but it helps me about as much as when my counselor tells me 'Go with the flow'...yeah...whatever the heck that means...I just know I am not good at it.

I found out later through a friend that this sister at the Temple has had a lot of trials and a very hard road. That got me to thinking about perhaps that is why I 'clicked' with her. I was talking to a counselor that had also dealt with abuse and I asked her if I was now in a 'club' of those that have been abused...and wondering if I would 'sense' others that have struggled like me.  She smiled and said yes...so I decided the name of the club should be 'I am Still Standing'.  I like it...and I like knowing that I am not the only one that is struggling with issues...and I know things will get better.

As I have been pondering this idea...I reflected back on those friends who would listen with 'pity' and 'awe' that I was even functioning...and compared that to the few friends I have that have truly overcome adversity (some were abused..not all). The difference in the look in their eyes, the depth of understanding, the ability they have to 'support' as they listen. This doesn't mean that if someone hasn't been abused they can't be my friend...I am just saying there is a different level of understanding. A level that goes down to the deepest part of my soul. Maybe that is part of what the man in Visions of Glory meant when he talked about 'taking people that had been abused down to their hell and bringing them out through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and healing them'. I think it is something that I have not truly experienced, but I need to if I want to 'truly heal'.