As I stated in a previous blog...there were times when my counselor was driving me crazy. I felt I would go in there and I was trying my best to 'be the good client' and 'share my thoughts' and try to do what she said with an open mind. Well, after quite awhile of coming out of a session frustrated...feeling like she just didn't get it...I then (I swear I have 'battered wife syndrome' I wondered why I would set myself up for failure time and time again with the fear that my counselor 'didn't like me) would decide it was all my fault and I wasn't 'doing it right'. So I would think, stress, analyze, think some more, think again and stress a little more...by then it was almost time for my next appointment...so I would even lost my appetite...get stomach cramps...chest pains...etc. I felt that I was trying as hard as I could...and was still 'not doing it right'. Gotta say...I was starting to wonder if I was crazy...
I felt that I was getting no reaction from her whatsoever...I could read 'nothing' in her face or what she said...she would hardly even answer my questions...she was pretty good at 'redirecting' my attention...Later on my way home I would think.."Hey...she never answered that either" After awhile...(I don't want to publicly confess how long)...It occurred to me that perhaps she was 'shutting me out' so I would have to verbalize my questions and listen to what she was saying...not just what I was 'reading' (picking up emotional cues and body language) ...so...that got me to thinking about how I communicate. I remember thinking that I felt like I was a blind person (my brain doesn't listen very well to my heart..so I adapted) then when I would come into counseling I would feel like I just went deaf...I had no 'input' whatsoever..(interestingly enough...my mind would assume my counselor was 'displeased' with my actions and we all know that 'no news is bad news' and since I was getting no feedback..it must be bad feedback). So I would fill in with my brain what I thought was happening...in case you are curious...this is not the ideal plan...I would venture to say...I was wrong more than right...
This was all happening when my counselor made her comment about 'she would never make me do anything against my will...I have been forced to do too many things in my life' and that is when some of my 'wall' came down. I confessed to her at my next session that perhaps I had been a little 'passive aggressive' in my behavior. She did let her 'wall' down as she agreed with me and I could see that...yeah...'a little' was probably an understatement on my part. Then a whole new concept opened up...perhaps I behave a little passive aggressive with others? Yeah..startling new idea I know...
At this same time I was struggling with my boss (I work at 2 sites...she is my boss only 2 days a week)...she was a typical administrator and has too much to worry about and take care of. I felt like she was not 'supporting' what I wanted to do and therefore I felt she didn't like me and what I was doing...this turned into me getting 'irritated' pretty much every time she talked to me. I talked to a coworker about it and I remember he was 'so patient and supportive'. He made the comment...'remember you are both working towards the same thing...she is a good person...just try to relax and listen to her.' Well...now I have some additional information to add to the 'pot'. My previous administrator was very open to my ideas and basically gave me a 'free rein' to do whatever I felt was appropriate. My current boss is very different and controlling..so..I have come to the conclusion that 'I have a passive aggressive' personality...Wow...kind of a shock...I don't know if it is a shock to those that know me...I'll have to ask them I guess...
There have been people in my past that I 'thought' I felt indifferently about...and they have commented that they thought 'I didn't like them'. One was a RS president I was working with...I was the secretary...one of her counselors called me up and asked me why I didn't like the RS president. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. She went on to tell me the RS president mentioned to her that I 'wouldn't look at her' and 'didn't joke with her' like I did the others in the presidency...this counselor felt I didn't like her either. I thought about it and I had no idea what they were really talking about...I thought they were just crazy..now I am thinking they are not...another weird connection I just made to this RS president...she was a teenager when I was a child in the same ward where I lived when I was abused....small world...
I will confess my 'protection' skills that I always thought were so 'in place and secure' are falling and I am realizing they were not nearly as effective as I thought at 'hiding what I was really feeling'. It is kind of humbling to realize that I appear so different than I perceive...not very comforting...
So what do I do? I have no idea..
I guess the first thing is to 'be aware' and now when I start getting my feelings of so..how come that person doesn't like me...I can stop and think about if that person has 'hit any of my triggers' and try to be more aware of 'negative energy or feedback' I am sending out. Gotta say...I am thinking I can be kind of rude...not a welcome thought...
No comments:
Post a Comment