What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?

Issues and Online Dating

My daughter was right, it is kind of fun 'creepin on guys'. I think it is really good for me to be looking ahead. Planning on having a future...without my X.

So I have been searching online to see if I can find any cute guys and I have learned quite a few things by reading a ton of profiles. Let me enlighten you....

There is a difference between a man that was 'burned' by his wife and a man that has lost his wife and is ready to love again. There is a lot to learn by the type of pictures the person posts...if they are mostly head shots and a ton of pictures of his kids...self conscious about his looks and loves his kids.  If he is posting pictures of his boat and other toys...probably doesn't have much going on with his own kids...unless his kids are all over the boat. Some label the pictures by the event, such as, Christmas 2011 or 'day at the park'. These men seem to be a little more humble and less 'stuck on themselves' if that means anything to you. Others label the pictures 'all about them' with things like Me and my friends, Me at the beach, Me with a beard, etc.. And the obvious...'I am trying to get a woman to interact with me and who knows what I am really like'. This kind of profile reminds me of the commercials about identity theft like this one: funny theft identity commercial

For example, one man from Europe was trying to get me to correspond with him and was saying all these wonderful things and I finally asked him, "You do see that I have 5 kids, right?"  Yeah...never heard from him again...what a surprise :)

And yes...there are the older men that keep telling me, "You just need someone that will treat you right."

So...how does this relate to my therapy?

Man...how does it not?

Ok...so I am thinking more and more about what I would want in a spouse...kind of a weird idea...do I want to marry someone that is rich and never had kids that wants to travel and spoil me?  That is attractive, I must say. Do I want someone that will be by my side and just want to sit with me and watch movies?  Hold my hand and go for walks on the beach? Someone that will be patient and help my kids as they struggle with everything that is going on? Do I find someone that has a ton of kids and play 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' ?

Here is a sad thought...

Do I want to just let my X take care of my kids (the ones that want to live with him) because I do think I have issues with emotionally connecting to my kids (see my post Disassociation and Loving My Kids). Then I could marry some successful man that wants someone to share his life...sigh...what kind of crappy mother am I if I am even thinking that? Or I would start to think how I could convince a man what a wonderful mother I would be to his children when I feel like I am such a crappy mother to my own kids...

Then I think about how I can't even feel like I can love anyone..how the heck can I love someone else...

yeah...then I go online and see if there is anyone new...I guess it doesn't hurt to look? It is nice to think there are people out there that have felt something similar to what I have experienced...at least they have an idea of how I feel...that part is nice...

Who knows?  I sure don't....sigh...life is not for wimps!

The Temple, Elegance and Exponential Improvement

I was my daughter's escort yesterday...what a wonderful experience...wow...sigh...all of that and more.

My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...

Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!"  Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...

Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).

When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing"  gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you."  We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.

I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...

I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...

This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.

Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....

Counseling, Kids and "What the heck are you expecting?"

So...my oldest son (still a teenager) moved in with his dad...but hey...what teenager wouldn't want to move from a room he is sharing with 2 brothers to an apartment with his own room and basically no rules?  Can't blame him too much...gotta say...Part of me thinks it is a huge blessing since I am dealing with so much stuff I don't think I have the emotional energy to deal with him also...maybe the Lord is looking out for me...

Unfortunately, living with his dad means he 'hears' his dad a lot.  He is beginning to 'act' like his father more and more all the time...I am hoping that I am just 'over sensitive' to it and imagining it, that would be nice. He came over last night for Mother's Day...barely talked to me. He acts like he is no longer part of the other kids...I think part of him likes it and another part of him hates it. He told me on facebook the other night that I 'don't treat him like the other kids'. I ask him what he is expecting me to do? He starts in with 'I don't respect him' I said things about him in front of him to his counselor (this was over a year ago). Ok, first off..yeah...I probably said that to the counselor...but I would NEVER say that to the counselor in front of him...I'm not that stupid! He starts in with all his word twisting...it was weird...I suddenly stood up and was very intense and angry...it wasn't out of control...it was just extremely intense...I felt that I was yelling...but I didn't seem to be...

We were on our way over to a friend's house for dessert...I tell him..."You can make a choice...be respectful and polite and go with us or go back home to your dad's house." He tried to tell me I 'kicked him out' of the house...I kept re-stating that I was simply giving him a choice.  We finally left...his older sister decided to stay home with him...and I found out later that my son burst into tears as soon as I left...who'd a thought? They (my son and daughter) did come over just as we were leaving....which I gotta say...kind of surprised me.

We came back to the house and he actually came back in...he and his sister talked for quite a bit...she ended up taking him home - technically his dad was supposed to come pick him up...

My daughter came up to me and said she learned some things from him while they talked...she asked him if she could tell me and he said, "Whatever works". She then tells me...he isn't mad at you you know?  Really? This was a surprise...seriously...you can talk to me like that and still like me?  I just don't get it...

I remember when he was little...w hen he would get in trouble he would just keep up the attitude and behavior problems...it appeared like he could just not 'stop' his cycle of behavior.  I remember my daughter telling me, "I think he gets himself in a hole and doesn't know how to get out so he keeps fighting....I think she was quite inspired....

So...I am trying to figure out what to think...he is basically a great kid...he is EXTREMELY angry with me about the divorce (again, my X has not taken any responsibility whatsoever) and isn't able to handle really strong emotions. He is more sensitive than most kids about basically anything...I was 9 months pregnant with him when my nephew (17 years old) died suddenly. Plus, he seems to be very 'emotionally immature' so this is not a good combination...

His father has convinced him that counseling is stupid and he doesn't need it...although he seems to be letting his sister 'teach him' what she is learning in counseling...I guess I'll go with that for now...

Wow...my kids in some ways are soooooo messed up...in other ways are very together...in other ways confused...maybe they are more normal than not? I keep thinking about my daughter that is getting ready for her mission...she asked me, "Will things be better or worse when I come back?"  Oh my dear child, I will be praying everyday that they will be better!

Divorce is not for wimps!

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Am I turning into a monster?

Ok....
I tried to talk to a member of my bishopric last Sunday. My son that lives with his dad is blowing things out of proportion (who'd a thought that a young boy would misinterpret and get emotional, right?) saying the leaders in my ward don't like him...this is not the case...it is just that some things have come up and they have mentioned them and my son has blown them out of proportion.  My goal was to talk to him and ask him (and hopefully pass it on) to take a 'proactive' role and just let my son know he was welcome...I am not too sure I succeeded or not...

It turned into..."We grew up together and I want to talk to you as a friend" and that went off into..."You (me) made a mistake...you should have stayed with your X for your kids' sake...keep your enemies close...now your X can spend time with your kids and you have no control over what he does...blah blah blah"...he says how he doesn't know all the facts but that I made a mistake...that my kids are all screwed up now because of the divorce...he goes on to tell me how worried he is about that...

Yeah...not too sure how well I dealt with it...I felt like I was in control the entire time...I felt like I was focused...my daughter told me later she saw us talking and it looked like I was trying to beat him into a corner...that wasn't quite my goal :) He went on to say that his mother put up with abuse from his father and stayed with him for the kids' sake...I don't think that is always a good idea...but that is just my opinion...

I told him I was abused and I don't think he was even listening...we were both talking very intently...he is an 'orator' by profession and I don't think he is used to people in his face...but he was in mine too...I think we both just felt really strong about what we were saying...

It was crazy because then he was saying that I was attacking the bishop...that I came on really strong...and blaming the bishop for everything...that the bishop can't 'call my son in' because my son lives in another ward now...there is a really fine line and I am asking him to cross it...on and on and on and on..they can't MAKE my son want to live with me...I wasn't asking for any of that...all I wanted was for my son to feel welcome coming to my ward...I wanted the members/leaders to say (if they saw him) "Hey...glad you came...I hope you know you are always welcome"  That is all....

The more I thought about it...I think that they feel guilty for what has happened and so he thought I had come to him with a different agenda...that I was trying to get him to convince my son to come live with me...that I wanted the bishop to apologize and it was all his fault...wow...back to being invisible...you know?

I just wanted them to know that my son had misunderstood and nothing else had happened (no positive interactions) to change his mind...that doesn't seem like such a bad thing...

I think the hard thing is that they (bishopric) haven't had to deal much with divorce...they are afraid I am asking them to take sides...the old..."I don't know exactly what I can do...so I don't want to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing"

It is just so frustrating...every time the other kids invite my son to something it always turns into "the leaders hate me...they say I can't come...and well...you can imagine"..I admit my son it 'blowing it out of proportion' but if no one is saying anything different...he is just feeding his misconception...sigh...

Then I thought more about my so called 'friend in the bishopric' and thought..."What the heck?! What was the point of throwing in my face that you think I was wrong to divorce my X?" I certainly am not going back...you admitted you didn't know all the facts...you have no ecclesiastical authority..you're not my bishop...my home teacher...and what is to be gained?  Want me to feel like crap? Trying to show me you have some 'enlightened knowledge'?  Trying to make me grovel?

I finally came to the conclusion...I stood up for myself pretty good...if I take my 'new found inner strength and insight' I would say he felt intimidated...I don't think he is used to people standing up to him...and arguing with him...but he is the one that kept bringing back the fact..."We're friends...we grew up together...I care about you...etc..." I think I was matching his intensity...and I am sorry...you throw accusations around like that and people are going to react...

He gave me a hug at the end...and made a comment about "we can talk like this and still be friends, right?" And I guess we can...does make me wonder what the ward thinks of me...sigh...so much for 'appearing together and strong'...

I talked to my friend...and she made the comment that I was gaining some incredible inner strength...but that some people may not be used to it...I think she was gently trying to warn me not to turn into a monster...

The upside...I think my 'inner child' sensed that I stood up for us...and I think that was a good thing...

Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.

Is there hope for my kids? I pray it is so...every day!

My X has been trying to get my younger son to move in with him.  I don't like the idea...I think that separating the kids is exactly like the first judge told us..."separation of siblings can cause irreparable damage" and that is what is happening.(my teenage son moved in with his dad about 6 months ago and it is causing a ton of issues amongst my kids)  My X is hoping my younger son will want to go to his ward, of course we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward you live in...something that my X has argued many a time over the years before now...but now he is constantly trying to tell my son he needs to demand to me that I take him to 'daddy's ward'. (It is in the neighboring stake)

So...last Sunday my youngest tells me he doesn't want to go to church...says he likes dad's church (ward) better and I can't make him go. I will confess that I threatened...started getting him changed myself...and nothing was working...the home teacher had come over earlier and offered to come 'drag him to church'. I was getting so frustrated because I felt that I just had no control or authority in my home. I felt that I would never be the respected adult in my home.  I was worried that if I don't let him do what he wants he will move in with his dad like his brother...yet if I can't be the 'adult/parent' in my own home what kind of person is my son going to grow into? As I am sitting there pondering what to do...thinking that if I went to church and 'let him stay home' I would never be able to get him to do anything...I finally decided to just leave him and go to church.

I get up and I am mad...but not..I feel that I am out of control angry but I am not out of control...so I turn to him and say, "I am really hurt that you don't want to go to church with me. They asked me to talk in Primary, I don't want to talk to the kids in Primary, I want to talk to YOU.  I want to share my testimony with you during Primary because YOU ARE MY SON!" It was kind of like controlled rage. And I walked out the door and went to church and tried not to cry.

As the Sacrament is starting in he comes...huffing (he had run the 1/2 mile to church) and 'slams right up against me' as only a 10 year old boy can. I put my arm around him and hold him tight the whole meeting. I tell him that I love him..he is leaning against me, head on my shoulder, leg against mine and barely moves. As he gets ready to leave for Primary I ask him, "Can you feel how much I love you?" He says yes....

After I do my part in Primary he comes over to me and says..."That was a really cool story" and repeated that a few more times on the way home. He then says, "After you left I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life" I tell him, "Do you know the best part of that?" He responds, "That I said I made a mistake?"

"No" I reply. "The best part is that you made a mistake and then you fixed it!" It was a good day...

Do I know what changed his mind?  No...did my son need to feel that 'I wanted him'?  Did my son feel my sincerity? Did my son decide it matter if I was upset? Do all my efforts regarding my 'gotta keep it together' attitude communicate to my kids (mainly my boys) that I don't care?  Is this something that is being supported by their dad?  I know he says a lot of cruel things about me...I know he is hurt and angry...it would be hard to hear things as a child and not know if they are true. I know my daughters have told me that sometimes it is hard to know what is true because their dad says lots of things and 'Mom..you don't say anything." Maybe it is ok to show my emotions?  Maybe I don't need to be 'nerves of steel' but just be a caring mom...

Later there was a problem with my older boy and I couldn't believe how my daughters handled it. They were trying to make sure that everyone had 'their say'  that no one was getting too emotional or upset...that all feelings were listened to...don't get me wrong...it was not necessarily pretty...but what was incredible was that all my kids were trying to get along and demonstrating by how they were talking that they loved each other.

As I looked at my kids and thought about the feelings that were in the room I thought..."There is hope for my kids!" They have rough roads ahead, but everyone has a rough road ahead. They aren't 'shying or shirking' away from their problems...they are doing their very best to 'deal and rise above'. I look at the type of person they are going to become...I think of the type of parent they will be...I guess it is best summed up by a discussion my child shared with me...they were talking to their counselor and was asked, "Do you think this is going to make it hard for you to have a good relationship later and marry?" My child's response, "No! I think this is going to make my relationship better because I deserve it and I know what I want!"

Is there hope for my kids?  YES!

Are my kids going to continue to struggle?  YES

Will I ever stop loving them? NO

Will the Lord ever stop loving and guiding them? NO

Am I glad I am divorced? YES...but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....