I Hate Going to Court (divorce)

So...I went to court today...sigh....

I am SOOOO tired of going to court...it is pretty bad because I can recognize the baliffs and the guards at the door. We have been separated now for 2 years...he has filed twice to try and get some of the kids to live with him...we have had to go to mediation several times...very exhausting!

I am learning to do better in the court room. At first I would feel like I needed to respond or defend every comment my X makes. I would get emotional and frustrated thinking the judge was going to believe everything he was saying...took me awhile to figure out the judges aren't stupid and if I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'.

We have had a judge for the last 8 months that was actually just a commissioner and had no control over the court room. He let my X and I 'banter back and forth' NOT GOOD...just saying...
I would just get so angry and things he would say I couldn't keep my mouth shut...so this time we had a new judge.  He could tell that many things were 'carried over' from the other judge and did a pretty good job and keeping it moving.

So...I have to confess I 'dressed for success' (which is pretty amazing if you have read my 'Child Abuse and Dressing Up post) I even wore boots with heels...I will say I am getting more relaxed and trying to be more comfortable when men look at me and pay attention...sigh...haven't quite decided if I like the attention...but I am getting more comfortable with it...I think it did make me feel better...and when I sat down I didn't feel all desperate to argue or defend myself. So..I tried to keep my thoughts on my kids and what was best for them...

My X keeps asking for more time with the kids...that is so hard for me to 'deal with' because I know how 'messed up' he is...can't connect emotionally...I think of how many times my girls come back from visiting with him upset and hurt and crying...how my son that isn't as accepted as his brothers comes back hurt and upset...and I think 'I will never force them to visit their dad!' Then I realize how not having a dad seriously affects kids...how ever for us as adults...we know we have a mother in Heaven...we know she loves us...just like our kids now 'we' (their moms) always love them...but it's that darn 'dad love' that kids need to be emotionally healthy...just like we need to know how much our Heavenly Father loves us...and what a huge positive impact that knowledge can have on our lives...knowing of our Father in Heaven's love for us.

So...I am trying to have a positive attitude about my X getting more time with the kids..this, of course, will affect child support. I am now working 2 jobs and he is sitting in his apartment unemployed thinking I am going to start paying him child support.  I keep thinking...'On What Planet That Was Created By Our Heavenly Father Is It Ok For A Man To Sit On His Butt, While His Wife Works 2 Jobs And Thinks It Is Ok?'  Seriously...it is not ok...but society doesn't see things that way...

I remember some advice when we first separated...I was told, "Do whatever you can to stay out of court...don't let someone that doesn't even know you, your children, your beliefs, etc.make decisions for you and your kids." Well...I should have listened harder...because now I have the court dictating everything...If you are thinking divorce..do whatever you can to stay out of court.

Anyway...here is the advice I have for women having to deal with court...

Find a lawyer!  :)  I don't have money for a lawyer but my county has a lawyer that works 'pro bono' 1 day a week...I must say the secretary got to where she could recognize my voice on the phone...Being able to ask someone legal questions is a HUGE help if you can't afford a lawyer to represent you...I was able to gain so much confidence and learn how to 'work the system' so I didn't freak out every time I received some mail from the court. I had my friends mail my petitions...we'd make a party out of it and go to lunch together...some states also offer a waiver for the court fees if you qualify...if you are a 'stay at home' mom and your X works...then you would definitely qualify. Learn how to respond to petitions so you are not 'rattled' when you have to appear.

So...the ending of my story today is...the judge came up with a visitation plan...but we have to go to 'co parenting counseling' and the kids get 'sibling counseling' and then the kids can go individually if they want...sigh...what a mess...hopefully the kids will be able to process and deal with all the emotions and can begin to heal too...only time will tell...

Best part of court today?  Child Support was postponed till April...oh yeah...