Dealing with intimacy issues while dating...or preparing to date...

So...we have spend many hours talking about pretty much anything.

I was joking with him one time...that we could talk about anything...Anything I said?  Anything. How about menopause?  He laughed and said, "We can talk about hemorrhoids if you want."

I can't describe how fun it is to have the conversation go from church to kids to intimacy to kids to work to kids...it just is so much fun...we laugh about how we can talk forever! I can feel myself opening up to him...connecting to him...I think of all the emotions I used to have as a kid...feeling that I could look at people - gaze into their eyes and truly feel their emotions and understand them at a level deeper than most people even realize exists. And that has begun with him...we joke about me finishing his sentences...we will be messaging and occasionally he will say, "Get out of my mind woman!" and we both laugh...it feels so good to be connected with someone..to just to be able to 'feel' and know that I am alive and living...I don't know if that makes any sense...but for me...it is vital.

So...back to intimacy...
Sigh...yeah...I keep talking about it with him...I remember one time I said, "I really am not a pervert...I just need to talk about this." He responded..."Of course, I understand with my intellect what your needs are, you need to feel safe." wow...my mouth about dropped open on that one...

So...why do I need to talk about intimacy so much?

Because if I marry My Man...I want to be present and feel everything there is to feel. I want to be able to truly love him...in every aspect...emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. I want to be able to give my all to my husband and lover.

Therefore...
I need to know how he will touch me...
Is his touch demanding something...or is it giving...
How he will react if I don't want to do something.
(My Man has said, you can tell me no. My ex told me no a lot...I'm used to it)
How he will ask me to do things.
What he will want to do...
I want to feel that we are doing something together...not him doing something to me..if that makes any sense...
How patient will he be...
What if I am not ready for intercourse the minute we get to our hotel after marriage...

I talked to him about how I have had times where I kind of 'space out' when being intimate and I don't want to do that with him...So, one of the first times we were kissing...his face was close to mine...and he was holding me...and kissing me softly and whispering..."Stay with me." Sitting here writing this it brings tears to my eyes...realizing how much he wanted me to be 'present'. He isn't just trying to 'get off' on his own personal thrill, he wants to bring me pleasure and joy...he wants to share intimacy with me. He wants to be intimate with me. He wants me to feel loved and desired and cherished and respected. I don't think I need to tell you that being with My Man is a whole different world and I think I like it.

You know what the best part of this particular time in our relationship is?
He wants to make me happy. I can feel that he is the type of man that feels more like a man when he can care for a woman and make her feel loved. It is almost like he is getting excited about being able to help me feel comfortable enough to relax and enjoy intimacy. (It kind of reminds me of when I took my massage class before I married - in the hopes I would get over some of my touch issues. All my classmates wanted to give me a massage because they wanted to see if they could do it in a way that I was comfortable - it was pretty obvious that I was extremely conservative...lol)  He so WANTS to 'please me' and it makes him feel like more of a man to care and please his woman.

Wow...how lucky can I get? All that and brains too...oh...and his hairy chest (sorry - I know he will read this and I do love a good hairy chest.).

I have been thinking the last few days about if we are going to end up committed for eternity (we have decided that if we marry we will have an engagement long enough to try and get a cancellation of my sealing to my ex - I am understanding we will need at least 3 months) that I need to be willing to let him go if that is what the Lord wants for me. I don't know if that makes sense either...one of those...if you love them set them free...kind of moments. It makes me feel that if I can go to the Lord and say if the Lord has a different plan for me - I will follow it. If I can do that...then if we commit...it will be by choice and with the blessing of the Lord. I am pretty sure that is what we both want.

Wish me luck!

Ok...I guess there are some good guys still out there...

So...
A friend of mine...said something to a group of friends about me 'being available'...and one of my other friends emailed me. (Did you follow that?) So I end up receiving this email telling me about her experience finding her second husband. She talked about praying to know which site to be on, spending time every day 'looking' for her man. She told me that there are men out there ready to find a woman that love God and wants a man that will be faithful and true. She encouraged me to keep trying and to not give up.

Sigh...

So...I checked out a different website and met a few new people. I started talking with someone that actually lives close to me (wow...that's kinda refreshing) and we found out we have MANY things in common. It has actually become a joke at this point...our sons had similar eagle scout projects. Our sons (different sons) are both studying the same occupation - exact same. We had a few friends in common...he has many similarities to my brother that I love dearly. I could go on and on...but suffice it to say...we have things in our lives that are similar.

As we started getting to know each other...it was all so different. First off, he had married when he was younger than 25...no serious commitment issues. So, the thought of getting serious with someone and committing to that person had no fear for him...that was different. It is like there was no hesitancy...just someone looking for someone else and wanting to love and be happy...how refreshing.

We emailed quite a bit and then finally we met. It went really well...we talked for over 3 1/2 hours. Then the ice cream place closed and we had to go. I thought it a little weird that he told me he had a great time getting to know me and would call me soon and then he just left. No hand shake, no hug, nothing. I just kinda shrugged and figured I would wait and see what would happen.

We were both texting before we got home..

A few days later I was going to take some of my kids on an outing with a friend and her family. At the last minute she couldn't go - they didn't have enough adults for a youth conference and she told me it was fine to go. I didn't feel comfortable going with just her husband (even though we would have 6+ kids from ages 5-21 with us) so I asked my new man if he wanted to go...he asked to bring his son and I thought..sure..why not? We agreed that it would be easy to just go as friends since we were barely beginning to date...to be sensitive to our kids..no touching or anything...just hanging out...as friends.

Well...my kids all said..."Wow mom, he's cool!" "He's just like a regular guy...so normal."

Yeah...I guess that says something about their dad.

My man was laughing as I told him...not quite understanding the significance of my kids thinking he was normal.  How sad is that?

Anyway...after that I did some 'mutual friend checking' and a couple people mentioned that they weren't sure if his divorce was final. Because if he is not legally divorced...we can't date. So I asked him.  Guess what?  It was not final...sigh...everything is signed and sitting at the courthouse waiting for time to pass...she left him over a year ago...so it seems pointless...but...rules are rules...whatever...

So...we realized we were grateful we hadn't really touched or anything and sat back pondering how it would be to date...realizing that we can't date right now... but we could still talk a little bit. His ex wife had left him over a year ago...so it wasn't like he had just walked out on her and the ink was drying on the divorce agreement...

I joked with him that since he has a job, active in church with a recommend, is intelligent and decently tall...he could probably marry any single LDS woman in the state...lol!

Bottom line?
Apparently not every man that is single and middle aged is messed up..or at least can still function and is not afraid to make a commitment to someone. I guess only time will tell if he is the one for me.
Believe me...I'll let you know!

Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Dating, Love, Marriage...where am I now?

Ok...I've been dating movie dude for about 4 months. I enjoy his company, he spoils me (as far as taking me out to nice restaurants, opening doors, helping me on with my coat, etc.) and I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy his company. I do think it would be very hard for him to marry someone with children because he has been single for so long. He has made a very nice life for himself and is busy and happy for the most part. So....we are dating and enjoying the companionship of each other...I guess that is good, right?

So where am I in all of this?  For one, I am better understanding how big a change it would be to me and my kids if I remarried. If I brought a man into my house to be with me and my kids, it would take a lot for everyone to work together and get along....sigh...this is certainly not where I was last summer when I was dreaming of getting together with my online guy...I am hoping it is because I am better understanding what it all means and not chickening out.

I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I am grateful for that. I think I am still messed up as far as feeling and desires to be intimate and being comfortable being intimate. I think I slide too quickly into 'me controlling the intimacy' and not being able to just 'relax' and let someone 'come to me' if that makes sense. I don't know what I can do about that but just continue to be aware and try to relax more. I think I focus on what I am doing and tune out if I am being touched or kissed. I have wondered if I need to talk to a counselor about it, but I don't think that will help. I am really coming to the conclusion that I just need to find that someone that loves me and I can trust completely and together we will figure it out. I really hope that is the case because I am tired of thinking I am screwed up and need to see a counselor again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with counseling...believe me..I have certainly had my share...I just want to feel that I am learning to better deal with all my stuff and that I can handle things.

I will say that movie dude is hesitant to share personal information and I am realizing what an impact that has on how quickly the relationship progresses. That has been interesting for me to understand. He will ask me questions sometimes...like.."Have you dated other men from online?" and then he will say, "You don't have to answer that." and I realize that I don't have to answer that. And it is nice that I am able to do that. I am wondering if that is part of me overcoming the 'victim' mentality that thinks I have to do everything people tell me. So it is empowering to me to know that I don't have to, and sometimes I don't. I am not lying and I am not being dishonest. I am just learning that I don't have to do something just because someone asks or tells me to.  I am thinking that is nice...

So..where am I now?  I guess I am exactly where I want to be...and I think that is a good thing!

Friends...committed relationship...what's in between?

Ok...I am still dating movie dude...and I enjoy his company. He was very hurt by his first marriage many years ago and will barely talk about it. He did say that he doesn't ever want to hurt like that again and so he just 'nips things in the bud' before they can get serious. As a result, he tells me almost every time we go out..."Feel free to keep looking." or "I don't want to stop you from reaching your goal." or "I know you need a spiritual partner to go to the Temple with." or the best one..."I don't mind if you go out with other guys, I trust you." Sigh....

I have been thinking...there must be a purpose for him to be in my life. A reason that 'God put him in my way'...Anyone seen the movie The Four Feathers with Heath Ledger? I love a line from that movie, the main character is being helped by an unlikely friend and is asked why? The friend's response is, "God put you in my way!" I think about that a lot when I think about the men that have come into my life. I truly feel that 'God put them in my way' ...or as in the case of my 'Online Guy' maybe God put me in his way?

I think the purpose of movie dude is to help me understand what exists between a friendship with a man and a committed relationship. I don't have much experience in that area...and I am finding it refreshing. We enjoy each others company yet we are not limited to only interacting with each other. I know he isn't going out with anyone else right now...but it is interesting to think that it is an option. I am trying to process how this affects my emotional connection. Or if there is an emotional connection yet? I feel that I do not need to 'tell him everything' that I am doing. I am not 'obligated to confess' if I talk to another man. It is a very different experience. I do have to confess that I have a completely different perspective on the kids that 'dated around' when I was in high school and I am seeing the wisdom of that concept.

So I am looking forward to better understanding 'the in between' relationship. The ability to care about someone and not have it consume me. The ability to express affection without it meaning I am not 'shackled' to someone.Don't get me wrong, I would not feel this way if I was in a committed relationship, that is a different story. But I think it is a good place for me...a place for me to better understand my emotions and feelings.

Sigh...I am so not ready to get married....besides...if I wait another year and a half...I will have 3 kids over 18 and that will have a huge impact on the drama of my life...and I am thinking I need to start a marriage with as little drama as possible. I don't care how committed we are to each other...we need to be able to nurture the good...and have time to really bond and get to know each other. I think they call that...'Setting yourself up for Success!' That is what I want to do...I want my final relationship to succeed!

What makes relationships 'move quickly'? And my boundaries still suck....

Ok...I am dating my new guy...and he has said many times that pace is important and he moves slowly. Sigh...what the heck is that supposed to mean? What is slow? What is fast? Aren't I supposed to just follow my feelings? After all, what did NOT following my feelings do for me...or not even being able to 'feel' my feelings...nothing good. Sigh...I just don't understand anything between 'friends' and 'intimate relationship'. I feel like I am either 'in or out'....I guess that isn't what everyone else thinks?

So I started talking to my new guy...asking him WHO he is? Telling him that 'who he is' is different than 'what he likes to do'. We exchanged some good texts about things...I was asking things like, "What makes you cry, if anything?" "What makes you happy?" "What makes you feel good about yourself?" etc.  It is interesting that as he was answering I was realizing that these types of conversations are what 'deepen' a relationship. So I guess the more we talk about things the more connected I can feel to him? At first we were just doing dinner and movies for our dates...and it was easy to not feel that we were 'moving' in the relationship. But is was weird because we were going out at least once a week for over a month and a half. We would talk about all kinds of things at dinner, work, interests, etc. But nothing 'deep'. A few times I mentioned potentially 'deep or depressing' things such as my mom's death or my divorce and he would act like he wanted to keep it 'happy'. It was just weird for me because the other relationships I had online - that was the focus...share all the skeletons in your closet...and then see if it is worth the effort to see each other. But he just seems to want to 'hang out and have fun'. Hmmmm...that probably has some type of meaning that everyone else understands too...everyone but me.

Anyway...we went for a walk Saturday and I talked about some of my issues and he seemed ok with it. Then we were texting back and forth yesterday and we were talking about 'who' we are....so...maybe it is ok? I told him that I just want to be open and up front with things...and one of the things that is important to me is that I want to 'be understood' and I am not going to assume anything about anything.

Another thing that is weird is that I am seeing people in my ward as we are going out and then I feel that my kids should probably meet him, just to know who he is...nothing more. My plan was to not have 'men parade through the house' and not introduce them to anyone unless I felt there was a strong possibility that I would marry the man. The current man I am dating is no where near that point. So I am seeing him when my kids are with their dad. But I am concerned that the people I am running into will make comments to my kids. For example, "Hey, I saw your mom out with some guy...do you like him?" And of course, my kids would respond, "I have no idea, I have never met him." It just seems wrong. The best scenario would be to have him 'swing by and pick me up' and then have a quick introduction. But they aren't at my house when we go out...plus we just meet somewhere..he has never been to my house. So, I talked to my kids. I explained that I wasn't 'bringing home your new dad' but just 'we are dating'. They didn't seem to care, except my oldest boy (the one that lives with his dad) and he wants to meet him. He thought I should invite him over and make dinner and all watch a movie together. Yeah..NO...I'm not doing that. Sigh...I guess I'll just have to keep thinking about that one...

So, I think I am going out again with him on Thursday..it is kind of a 'permanent date' thing that we have been doing for the last month and a half. It will be interesting to see if he acts any different after all our discussions...the whole.."are we further along in our relationship" question. My online guy is always bugging me about I need more patience...I just need to wait...it will happen if I don't push it. I just don't understand how to do that...

What gets me is that I really don't understand where the boundaries are...I mean we are either friends...or we are dating and considering marriage...I don't know where the different stages or levels are..very frustrating as I try to not appear needy or pushy and I don't really know what I need or what I am pushing..sigh...

He has made a couple of comments about 'pacing' and I am just not sure what that means...I guess I am just thinking...I don't know how much I like you...and I have 'intimacy issues' so I want to know if you will freak me out if we kiss for any length of time and I want to know how I feel when you kiss me so I would like to kiss a bit (more than a couple of good night kisses) so I can actually have time to figure out how I feel...but then I think that I am violating some boundary...if I were to ask someone they would probably say..."Just do what feels natural...don't have any hidden agenda...no control issues" But I don't always recognize my control issues...and I am trying to 'feel' and respond to my feelings and that puts me back into the 'control issues' category...sigh..I guess I'll see if I 'scared him off'...I haven't heard from him today....

Tell me again why I want to do this?

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

What is intimacy? What is making love? What is affection? And how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference?

Ok...I have no idea what I am feeling and it is making me crazy...ok...not crazy but I wish I better understood my emotions.

With my online guy we talked about intimacy and sex...mostly I was the one doing it...I needed to process what it 'could be' not what it was in my marriage. It became 'palatable' to me. At the time we were talking it all seemed to blur together...sex...intimacy...love...caring...listening...thinking of lying with someone sharing your inner most secrets while sharing your bodies and everything that is sacred between the two of you...it seemed such a wonderful fantasy. Granted you need to be married to do all that but I think you know what I mean. Both of you trying to please the other and feeling joy because the other is happy and feeling loved. It was a very different experience for me..yet I know it was also fantasy because we were not married and we were not even in the same town. sigh...

Then I went out with my 'make out' guy and tried to figure out what I was feeling when I was kissing, etc. I tried to figure out if I was 'sinning' and I needed to repent. I tried to figure out why there was no guilt. I wondered why I loved 'kissing and hugging' yet it was giving me no desire to have sex. It was not arousing feelings that I needed to control or stop. So does that make it bad? I wondered what I would think (ok..I didn't wonder very long) if my children were doing the same thing. But it just seems too different. I realize 'the law of chastity' applies to everyone..but there must be something about 'arousal'. If I am not 'arousing' feelings and desires to have sex it is bad? Is it because I was married for so long and would have sex and other serious intimate experiences and then get up the next morning and go to church? Therefore it was not the same thing as teenagers arousing feelings they have never experienced?

One night when I was with my 'make out' guy he was laying across my lap and I had my arms around him. We weren't doing anything wrong...and as I felt him relax I just felt this connection to him...realizing that intimacy was 'nice'. I know that might sound weird...but it is the only way I can think of to describe it. The other weird thing is that I can do it for hours...literally hours and not be aroused or desire to have sex. It just feels so nice to 'feel'. So maybe that is what it is...feeling...feeling that someone cares about me...feeling that someone wants to love me and make me happy. Feeling that connection to another human being. I asked him if it is different for him to be with me and he said yes. I asked him why and he talked about feeling that I cared about him without judging...that I wanted to 'please him' I ask him what he likes...what feels good...that I want him to be happy. It is sad that it is such a 'new' experience for him also. It makes me wonder how few 'stable' people are wandering the earth.

So then I go out with another guy...he does the very 'chaste' kiss at the end of our dates and a quick hug. It almost makes me feel like a slut because I think of all the things I would like to be doing with him. Then I start to wonder if I am a sex addict. He is telling me how respectful he is of women and I am wondering how it would feel to have his arms around me and kiss me deeply. Sigh...

To make it worse...then I want to go see my 'make out' guy. I have new insight to those girls that would date several different boys...but I am hoping it is different for me because I am not telling them I love them. I don't know if I am leading them on or not...I don't know where I am going so I don't see how I can be leading them anywhere...

Then I think back to when I got a dog...my counselor friend was telling me that it wasn't fair to the dog to have him be my 'emotional blanket' and then just stick him in a crate when I had other things to do. Is that what I am doing to my 'make out' guy? I have been honest...after our last date I told him that I obviously had some intimacy issues. I told him that all I wanted to do when I was with him was to make out...I just want to kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I can't think of anything else. The desire to 'do that' is so overwhelming I can't focus on anything else. So what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we just showing affection to each other? Are we just letting each other know that someone cares? We are keeping clothes on and not touching private parts of each others' bodies...so does that still make it wrong or are we just helping the other to be happy?

I think about why I don't sense or feel any 'red flags' and I wonder if part of my 'feeling broken' is also feeling violated. I feel like everything has been done to my body so what does it matter if something similar is done and I actually enjoy it?

My online guy tells me I need to 'grab life by the horns' and once I leave my past behind I will be able to commit and love someone. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I wonder if my 'making out' counts as 'grabbing life by the horns'?  What do you think?

I think I would be a fool to commit to someone right now. I need time to figure out my feelings and emotions. I need to be able to think and process how my body is reacting and what my heart needs. Sometimes I wonder how much I am enjoying it...and how much is just 'feeling' a strong sensation and I am drawn to the feeling because it is new?

So...yeah...I am still seeing my counselor...I would really like to figure all this stuff out...sigh...

Maybe I need to go 'make out' for a few hours to clear my head...ha ha ha...sigh...

I went on a 'real' date....

Met a new guy. He messaged me online and his first message was actually a complete paragraph!

He talked about movies and other things..we messaged back and forth a couple of times and then he asked me out (he is local). Man was that weird! I can't remember the last time I just kind of met someone and then went out. I realized that I knew almost nothing about him...we had dinner and saw a movie and it was nice. We chatted about all kinds of things..family, interests, growing up, jobs, etc. I was proud of myself for being able to hold a decent conversation and not be all neurotic and weird. I feel like he is someone I could be interested in and we went out again last night.

So this is what I think...online relationships are very different than your standard generic 'meet someone and let's go out and try and get to know each other'. With my online guy..when I finally met him he knew pretty much every skeleton in my closet...and he didn't care...he still liked me...so there was a different anxiety when we met. I wondered how much of what I imagined him to be was real and how much was fantasy. I wondered if my connection to him was based on what I perceived him to be and I worried he would not be able to live up to what I hoped he would be (who can live up to a fantasy?). With the second guy I went out with it was a little different...we knew the basics about our past relationships and I had an idea of what he was like. He didn't know about all my issues but we both knew enough to know that we both had some. With the man I just went out with? I almost feel like I know 'nothing' and it is kind of weird. I don't know what happened in his first marriage...I don't know how active he is (he joined the church about 10 years ago) and he is a little shy. He hasn't really talked about his feelings about church or past relationships...so parts of getting to know him are much slower...and other parts are much faster. I guess it is just different.

Here is a weird side note...I feel like I can't make a decision when I am with the newest man I am dating. He has asked different times where I would like to go to eat or what I would like to eat and I feel like I can't make a decision. I was thinking about it on the way home...he was trying to be nice and ask me where I wanted to go and I seriously could not decide. I think maybe it is because I don't know him well enough...I am such a 'pleaser' that I want to know the parameters that exist and what he likes before I can make a decision...I want to make sure it is something that he likes. How weird is that?

I will say that the man I just met is easy to talk to. I am able to enjoy his company and I want to get to know him better. I guess it is true what they say...you need to be careful about getting 'physical' too fast. It is certainly a different experience to get to know someone 'in person' first. Sigh...who would have ever dreamed 6 months ago that I would have 3 men interested in me?  Yeah I know...pick up your jaw off the floor...

Then there is the intimacy issue...my latest man is very much a gentleman...opens doors...the first time he called me he said that he wasn't comfortable talking with a woman he didn't know after 10pm at night. Wow that was weird....so we have been out twice...and I have shared a couple of innocent kisses good bye and that is it. Man is that different from my 'make out' guy that went from our first date to kissing during the movie to long periods of kissing...sigh...I still am not sure how I feel about intimacy.

Still surviving....my inner child is preparing for a mature relationship...

I am still dating this other man...not my online guy...he lives too far away...

He wants to make some type of commitment and I don't. I feel like I really need to explore my feelings and being in a committed relationship isn't going to let that happen. I guess part of it is that I feel that he likes me more than I like him. I have never felt that before. Not that I haven't ever had someone like me before that I wasn't attracted to...I guess I just really haven't ever had any type of emotional connection with a man before...well..not until last summer.

When I think about the man I am dating...I think about how 'on paper' we would be a good match. He has been to college and is taller than me...has a stable job...etc...But I think I want more than that this time. I want there to be some fire! I want there to be some passion and excitement. I want it to be real. I want to be able to disagree and feel that strong emotion and then be able to work it out and feel an even greater sense of love. I want to know that I can be myself and be angry and have crabby moods and I will still be loved. Don't get me wrong..that doesn't mean I will be that way on purpose...but I want to feel that I don't have to hide my emotions. I can be me and still be loved. I want a man that will stand beside me. I think dating is helping me to understand exactly what it should feel like.

I am going through some interesting periods..for awhile I felt that I 'needed' someone so bad. That I had to find the man for me and be with him and it would help me to lighten my load and I would be happier. I would not be alone. I don't feel that way now.

I feel that life with a righteous priesthood holder that cherishes and adores me is better than being alone. But I am also recognizing the impact that 'bringing a man home' would have on my children. Maybe it is important for now for me to just be open to the idea? Maybe I just need to be 'willing' to be in a relationship?

I remember being on a date and we were standing in line to get something to eat. He put his arm around me...and it was the strangest sensation. I felt my body relax and I leaned a little toward him. I suddenly realized how hard it has been for me to stand alone and on my own. I understood at a deeper level how incredible it would be to be able to share that burden. To allow someone into my life that would support me and be there for me, as I would be there for him. How that connection was something that never existed in my marriage. Granted, I am a lot older now and my feelings have changed as far as understanding what a relationship is...I look at other couples and see how 'connected' they are and it is like I can see the path it took them to get there...it is like they have been through some real struggles and come out on top. That is what makes a wonderful relationship. They are truly committed to each other and to their relationship.

I saw the movie "Enough Said" (2013) with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. One of my favorite lines as they are going back and forth trying to figure out if they have a relationship that works..she did some things that hurt him and he tells her..."You didn't protect us" it makes me think that a relationship is a living and breathing thing that must be fed...nourished...and protected.

I think it is something that I am gaining a greater desire for...and it is worth striving for...but I don't think I can commit myself to anything right now. And for now, that is ok :)

This time around I want the real deal...you know?

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

What does it mean to 'connect emotionally'?

What is an emotional connection?

I sat and looked at what I just wrote and decided I had no idea what an emotional connection is...so I googled it..I like the response I found. (Here is the link - What is an emotional connection? ) It talks about being open and trusting...oh yeah...trust..I am so NOT good at that.

I have been pondering my feelings lately...I have to admit I have had deeper feelings than I have had for a long time. I think it is nice. And yes...this is connected to my 'online guy'...sigh...

I have been thinking about my heart. Because of my abuse I 'shut down' a pretty good section of my heart and I didn't allow myself to feel so much of the good in the world. I have learned that your heart is an 'all or nothing' kind of thing. I do not have the ability to decide what I can feel...I can either feel practically nothing...or everything...ok..I can probably work up to 'everything' and I know I am making progress but I am not there yet. But the point is that I know I can't 'selectively choose' what I can feel. So...opposition in all things 2 Nephi 2:11 so if I want to 'feel' the good, I need to 'feel' the bad...yeah...like I want to do that...I do wonder if I will have more abuse memories come back as I 'open my heart'...but I don't dwell on that.


Back to my feelings...

First...in my current 'almost relationship' at first it was fun to think that there was someone that wanted to get to know me...and when we started chatting instead of email messaging through the online site things moved a heck of a lot faster. Once we started talking about sex (mainly because I was so paranoid about all my issues and concerned about being 'present' if I was ever intimate again) feelings started getting stirred up.  At first it was just 'hormonal teenager stuff' but then...the more he would listen to me...talk to me...ask about me...heck...he has even read most of my blog...I know he has because he would ask me questions about different things I had posted. The feelings began to get deeper...and I have to say...I like how they felt.

I had issues at first thinking I had my 'mind in the gutter' and if my kids were thinking the things I was thinking I would want to march them down to the bishop's office. But I realized I needed to 'process' at some level the concept of intimacy. I finally realized that I was not thinking about 'sex' to get aroused and feel that 'high' some people get...but I was wanting to feel and express 'intimacy and love' to someone I feel cares about me.

I realize that because of my X's issues...this was the biggest part of what was missing in my previous marriage. And I think the 'emotional connection' is the basis for allowing 'intimacy and love' to grow. I keep thinking about what my counselor friend said..."So what you are saying is that he 'hears you' in a way that you have not experienced before?" and yeah...I guess that is it.

I had some friends over last night to watch a movie...we watched, 'Freedom Writers' and it got me thinking quite a bit about 'being heard'. As I was watching the characters 'change' as they realized their teacher cared about them...I thought about myself...how important it was for me to 'be heard' and as I was getting all 'caught up' in how influential the teacher was in the movie...how wonderful it would be to make a difference in the lives of kids...then I thought about my own kids...how hard it has been for them to not have a father and mother in the same home that offer that structure and support...how independent I see them becoming (which isn't always a bad thing) and how they must 'long' to be heard as well.  As I sat there I could feel all these emotions stirring inside of me. I started feeling this love deeper than I have felt before...I began to pray, asking Heavenly Father what it means. Wondering if this means that the guy I am communicating with is someone that is going to truly be a part of my life? Wondering if all 'these emotions' I am feeling and then imagining how much more intense they would be if my 'guy' was actually here in person...and trying to decide if that is what I am working towards?

I do know that I am experiencing feelings that are new...and I like them (for the most part) and I am hoping I will have the opportunity to truly love someone and have that person love me just as much. I would hate to think that I have 'uncovered' all these emotions and stirred up all this desire to have someone to love and hold and share my life with then not have the opportunity. I was talking to a coworker yesterday...he changed jobs and I won't be working with him anymore...he asked how I was doing. He is an English teacher and I shared some poems with him to get his 'opinion' ( he did think I had some poems that should be published...which certainly made me feel good) so I knew he was asking 'more' than just 'how is your day?'

I told him about 'my guy' and he was so happy for me. He told me how exciting it was for me to (if nothing else) to truly experience a connection with someone at such an intimate level. He talked about how 'rare' it was to find someone that you could truly connect with and how wonderful it was for me after all the garbage I have been through...

So...I am thinking I am starting to understand at a profound level just what an 'emotional connection' is. I will say right now...if I marry again...it will be to someone that I am emotionally connected to...that is for darn sure!

Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....

Issues and Online Dating

My daughter was right, it is kind of fun 'creepin on guys'. I think it is really good for me to be looking ahead. Planning on having a future...without my X.

So I have been searching online to see if I can find any cute guys and I have learned quite a few things by reading a ton of profiles. Let me enlighten you....

There is a difference between a man that was 'burned' by his wife and a man that has lost his wife and is ready to love again. There is a lot to learn by the type of pictures the person posts...if they are mostly head shots and a ton of pictures of his kids...self conscious about his looks and loves his kids.  If he is posting pictures of his boat and other toys...probably doesn't have much going on with his own kids...unless his kids are all over the boat. Some label the pictures by the event, such as, Christmas 2011 or 'day at the park'. These men seem to be a little more humble and less 'stuck on themselves' if that means anything to you. Others label the pictures 'all about them' with things like Me and my friends, Me at the beach, Me with a beard, etc.. And the obvious...'I am trying to get a woman to interact with me and who knows what I am really like'. This kind of profile reminds me of the commercials about identity theft like this one: funny theft identity commercial

For example, one man from Europe was trying to get me to correspond with him and was saying all these wonderful things and I finally asked him, "You do see that I have 5 kids, right?"  Yeah...never heard from him again...what a surprise :)

And yes...there are the older men that keep telling me, "You just need someone that will treat you right."

So...how does this relate to my therapy?

Man...how does it not?

Ok...so I am thinking more and more about what I would want in a spouse...kind of a weird idea...do I want to marry someone that is rich and never had kids that wants to travel and spoil me?  That is attractive, I must say. Do I want someone that will be by my side and just want to sit with me and watch movies?  Hold my hand and go for walks on the beach? Someone that will be patient and help my kids as they struggle with everything that is going on? Do I find someone that has a ton of kids and play 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' ?

Here is a sad thought...

Do I want to just let my X take care of my kids (the ones that want to live with him) because I do think I have issues with emotionally connecting to my kids (see my post Disassociation and Loving My Kids). Then I could marry some successful man that wants someone to share his life...sigh...what kind of crappy mother am I if I am even thinking that? Or I would start to think how I could convince a man what a wonderful mother I would be to his children when I feel like I am such a crappy mother to my own kids...

Then I think about how I can't even feel like I can love anyone..how the heck can I love someone else...

yeah...then I go online and see if there is anyone new...I guess it doesn't hurt to look? It is nice to think there are people out there that have felt something similar to what I have experienced...at least they have an idea of how I feel...that part is nice...

Who knows?  I sure don't....sigh...life is not for wimps!

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...