Coming Out of My Hole...Healing?

Well...I wonder if I am healing...maybe a little?

(If you are struggling with your healing you have to read Elder Scott's talk To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse and To Be Healed )

The negative monologue is definitely going away...it is funny...I will be at work and realize that I am actually kind of relaxed. I don't have some underlying anxiety thing going on all day long dragging me down. I think my big 'breakthrough' was when my counselor told me she wasn't going to make me do anything.  That was a 'sledgehammer' up side the head! I can still easily get teary eyed thinking that I am 'free' and I can choose what I want to do. Maybe that is part of what needed to happen in my life. Because there is a part of me that feels 'utterly alone' (my father died about 8 years ago and my mother died 1 1/2 years ago) I divorced 2 years ago...I offended my brother's wives when my mother passed away and I have contact with only one and he lives very far away. So in many ways I am truly alone....But...

What if this is the environment I needed to be in to allow myself to 'embrace' the fact that I can do whatever I want? I am not listening to others tell me what to do...I am just me. Maybe I needed to be alone to understand I was 'free'?

I could easily make myself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons...but I guess the bottom line is that it happened...it is what it is...one of the phrases I 'caught' from my counselor is that..."If I could have stopped it...I would have." I may have to tell myself that for awhile before I can truly say I believe it in my heart...but it is worth it...and I think little by little...my heart is beginning to believe.

Don't get me wrong...one little 'ah ha' moment will not make everything better...I still have a lot of issues...I need to work on my control issues...I need to work on my 'emotional connection' with my kids...I need to continue growing and getting stronger...and I think that is a life time goal.

Besides...now my X is starting to drive me crazy...probably because my mind is relaxing a little and I am realizing how 'messed up' I was to ever think I was in love.