PTSD and the Dentist

So...here I am thinking so much about my abuse as a child...thinking about how I could just lay there and let my abuser do what he did...wondering how I was able to keep it a secret from my parents (till the day they died) and how scared I was...wondering how much I have blocked out (I can't remember how my abuse started - in fact the experiences I do remember basically start in the middle of the abuse)...and I go to the dentist...

As I lay there...I began to think...not too many people enjoy going to the dentist...I know for me...I have been fortunate enough to have dear friends for a dentist for most of my life. So I don't have the 'negative' feelings that some people have when they go...I also had braces as a child...I remember I was often complimented on my ability to just sit there while I had my braces adjusted...I often would simply read a book (holding the book around the doctor's hands so I could see) it didn't seem that big of a deal...

Then today...I wondered if the skill I was using to sit in both the dentist chair and the orthodontist chair (and I'll admit...when I go to the gynecologist) was one I developed while being abused.  They are all situations where someone is 'doing something to you' that is not 'pleasant' and the better you can 'sit still' the easier and faster it goes. I sat in the hygienist's chair today and let my mind wander...and I began to feel my body tense up...the lack of focus on the 'scrapping'...and wondered again...what happened to me that I had to develop this deep of a coping skill to survive? As I lay there today...I thought..maybe I should shut my eyes to better focus and try to process what I was thinking...then I realized that with my eyes closed I didn't know (see) what the hygienist was doing and that just triggered too many 'control and trust' issues..so I gave up on that idea...

I will confess there were many times in my marriage while being intimate I would 'let my mind wander' because I didn't want to say anything to my X. Sometimes he would 'trigger' my fear of sexual energy and I knew if I said anything or shut down he would back off and not give me any attention...and I guess I rationalized that some attention is better than nothing. Either that or I was afraid to have him mad at me..I don't do very well with anger either...sometimes I wonder what I can deal with...after all... I don't deal very well with rejection. I think that is another indicator that we (my X and I) didn't have a very good communicative relationship...and perhaps that is a key to my abuse...or maybe how it started.  My family didn't 'neglect me' they just all had lives and interests...I was the youngest and I remember always wanting to 'be accepted' by them. Maybe I was so desperate for attention...I was willing to put up with the abuse rather than feel alone. I just looked back at this last line I wrote...and think how crazy it is...but it is still what I think sometimes...

But that puts me in the 'blame' mode...and I wonder...seriously...could a 6 or 7 year old girl be able to make that kind of decision? I work at a school and often work with younger students...when I was first beginning to process my abuse I was testing younger kids...I saw the fear in their eyes...being told there were going to take a 'test' with a stranger...leave their classroom and teacher and go off with a stranger..I saw the teacher try to talk them into coming with me..telling them if would be fun...as I looked in the faces of those 5 and 6 year olds that were scared to come with me I thought...how could anyone force someone so young...to do anything even close to what was done to me? As I would talk to them, and joke with them most of them relaxed...and even smiled...I would see their desire to 'please' and 'do it right'..their eyes were so innocent and afraid..I just wanted to hug them and tell them that I would make sure no one ever hurt them...I thought of the time I was locked in the closet at his house and my brother came over to play with his brother and my abuser left me in the closet, naked with string wrapped all around me to hold the things that he had put inside of me....and I wondered.. How could I have been a willing participant?  How could I have not been terrified? How could I/can I blame myself for what happened...I was so young...so innocent...so unaware...I lived in a home full of boys/men...but none that would tell me to do something that was wrong...how was I supposed to stand up to anyone?

I have a dear friend that was also abused and she struggled to deal with it after she was married...she talked about how her husband 'stuck by her' and together they were able to work through it. Sometimes it makes me feel angry that my X didn't try to help me 'deal' with it.  But then...I didn't really help him deal with his issues either...this is when I tell myself that I wasn't participating in an inappropriate behavior during our marriage...so that should 'excuse' me from the sin...right? The issues my X and I had were all his fault, right?  My issues 'happened' to me...his issues were his choice, right?  Or were they?  Were mine?

Monday 3/11/2013
I went to the eye doctor today...after thinking about this post...it was weird...I almost 'freaked out' at the 'eye puff' thing that checks for glaucoma...I sat there telling myself..."Don't let him touch you" and then I would tell myself I was making a big deal out of nothing...then he would have to get close to me (I have long legs) and reach over to his machine and I was surprised how much it was bothering me...I know that he was not doing anything wrong...it was just me stressing...it would be nice if I could get all this stuff to become a memory I didn't have to think about...or react to...maybe that is what is hard...getting the memory 'put away' but still being aware it is there...sigh....

Meeting the Little Girl Inside Me

I am feeling lots of different things...I am feeling that 'pit in your stomach' sometimes related to stress...sometimes related to anticipation of bearing your testimony...sometimes just stress...I am feeling excited...I am feeling calm...I am feeling peace...I am feeling anticipation...most importantly...I am feeling and I am not afraid!


I am thinking about 'bonding' with the 'inner child within me' that was abused so long ago...I think I really want to now...I have thought about it before...but I don't think I was ready.  I never felt like I knew what to do...what to say...how I could comfort her...how I could protect her...what I could do...

I am a little scared that it will bring memories...I am not afraid to have the memories...just anxiety about what those memories might be...you see...I don't know how my abuse started...I don't know what happened the first time someone violated me..I keep thinking something must have happened before the boy next door started molesting me. He and I were the same age...I figure we must have been 6 or 7 years old (can't remember exactly when it started)...I am sure he was being sexually abused also...there is no way he would have the desires he did at that age unless someone was violating him...I can't see myself just going along with it..I wonder about people of my past...family, friends, anyone...It just seems that something must have happened that I have blocked out...I keep telling myself there must be a good reason for me to block it out....My memories of my abuse start when I remember the boy next store having so much control over me I would do anything he wanted...he had me convinced I wanted it and I would get in trouble if I ever said anything...

But I think about meeting her...that little girl that seems so scared and alone...both of us reaching to meet in the middle...her wanting to trust me to take care of her..me wanting to be with her and protect her...this time I will protect her.  We will not allow anyone to mistreat us again.  Funny how I like the idea of 'we'...part of me thinks it makes me psycho...part of me thinks it is a step towards healing...I guess I'll have to see which one wins...

I wonder how I am supposed to meet her?  I guess just visualize?  Imagine her...think about her coming together with me...the old 'hug yourself' seems kind of lame...

Well...lots of feelings are bouncing around...I'll have to see what happens...sigh...

Thursday 2/28/2013
I felt her close last night...I wondered how I could 'connect'...as I drove to work today...I began thinking of one of my abuse experiences...the one that I can remember better now (see enhanced memories) and I began to feel how scared she was when it happened. I remember thinking how confused she was to try and understand why someone would want to hurt her. I began to cry myself. I remember saying over and over this morning in my head..."Why would I let someone do that to me?" "Why didn't I stop it?" "It hurt me so bad, yet I did nothing." I began to feel that I was once again blaming myself for what happened. I began to think about how hard it is to forgive myself...I was less than 8 years old when it started...yet I still blame myself...She does not feel as close today...perhaps I need to work on forgiving myself...maybe I blame her? I am going to the Temple tomorrow...I hope to gain some insight or at least some spiritual support.

I was thinking last night...I am finally at a point that I really want to 'bond' with her. I want to feel complete...and I am trying to convince myself that I will take all the additional 'baggage' that will come with bonding with her...whether it be additional memories, horrible recognition, feeling things that were done to me, or even things that I perhaps have done.  I think that is the big issue..fear of something I might have done to start the abuse...but then I tell myself I was such a little girl...how could I have done something so wrong that I would need to be so afraid as an adult?

That is one of the big mysteries....

Friday 3/1/2013
Went to the Temple today...prayed a lot about how to process what is happening and how I am supposed to 'bond' with the girl inside of me. Made some attempts to 'self tap' (tapping myself - alternating hands - I tried on my chest and on my knees - chest is more intense) tried doing it while reviewing some of my 'emotional baggage'...I think it helps...I just don't feel as 'stressed out' or have the 'anxiety monologue' like I used to after pondering my 'issues'...and that is a good thing.

The answers I came up with (with a little inspiration) are:
*I need to reach out to her without feeling any guilt or shame.
*I need to reach out to her.
*I need to 'share' at least one of my abuse experiences. (I think I will do this in counseling...my counselor talked about her role as a 'witness' to what happened..to support me...so I am thinking that I need to truly 'share' not just regurgitate the facts with an emotionless tone...that will be hard...I think I'll take a blanket to my session...I can use it to comfort me physically...so I can 'stretch my comfort zone' emotionally.
*If I can deal with my guilt and shame (I know...do you believe I can still feel that it might be my fault?) then I will be in a position where she can feel safe. (and yes...part of me still feels like I am a 'nut case' talking to myself...but...hey...if it works...I'll try it) She needs to feel safe and protected before we can 'bond'. 
*I think connecting with her will be key in my 'taking back' my heart and feeling all I want to feel again.
*Maybe we can meet in the middle and help each other find a happy balance between a loving heart and a intellectual mind.

So...going to spend some time tomorrow with my kids and Sunday is fast Sunday...I'll write my letter and see how it goes at counseling on Tuesday...

Sunday 3/3/2013
I am working on the letter to the 'little girl' in me. Interesting concept...I am trying not to feel like I have a split personality...every time the 'little girl' is mentioned in counseling I am always asked, "What would you say to her? What does she need to hear? What would you say if you knew a little girl that this happened to, what would you say?" So I am writing about that..

I am thinking about the experience I remember the best and it is weird...it seems to be taking on a role like an abuse scene in a movie. Perhaps it is just starting to feel more real to me and that is the shift I am feeling. I was thinking it wasn't going to be that big of a deal to share with my counselor...but then..I always seem to think my abuse was no big deal.  When will I ever learn? Maybe what I am feeling is an increase of the emotion attached to the event. I visualize myself telling the story and it is becoming more alive. I hope it doesn't get too weird..I need to go to work tomorrow.

Wednesday 3/6/2013
Well I gave my counselor my letter...she ended up reading it to me and we talked about how I was feeling about it. It went ok...I think mainly because I had sat through the Temple and prayed so much about it. I do think I feel closer to that part of me that 'slipped away' so many years ago... Last night my daughter was talking about her mission...trying to figure out who is going to pay for what...and I just felt so overwhelmed with love and I thought to myself...'we at least collided' and it was nice.

I have been debating about posting the letter I wrote...well...in the hopes that it will help someone else...here it is...

March 3, 2013

To the Little Girl Inside of Me (otherwise known as me),

This letter is to help me connect with you…I want to try and figure out how to bond back with you, but I am not sure how to do that. I am asked what do I think you need, what do I wish someone would do to me. If I could, I would scoop you up and hold you tight and rock you till the tears stop flowing and you believe how much you are loved. But since I can’t do that, I think I’ll start with talking about how you came to be and who you are. It is important that you understand these concepts.

You came to be when I was being sexually abused. I don’t remember how the abuse started and I have gaps in what happened, but I know that you can remember it all. I know that you are afraid and alone and don’t know how to make it better. I understand why you would be afraid, what happened to us was very wrong and frightening.  It was the wrong actions of another person, actions that took place because bad things were happening to him too. I think you went into hiding because it was more than you could handle and I appreciate that you protected me when we separated. You took those memories that were too painful for me to bear with you so I would not be afraid. When I married, it just made it worse for you and pushed you farther away, I know that and I am sorry. Things are different now, I am older and I am no longer afraid. I want you to come back; I promise that I will never allow anyone to hurt us again. One day I hope that you can share those missing memories with me and I can help you, so you will no longer be afraid.

Who you are is more important than how you came to be. Who you are is a beautiful daughter of Our Heavenly Father who loves you very much. You also have some special talents and gifts that you are not able to share as long as we are apart. You are a fighter than never lost her faith in Christ. You never stopped protecting me; you never got angry at God or turned away from Him. I will always be grateful for that. You are a huge reason that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. You have always helped me to feel when His Spirit is near. You have an incredible capacity to love and forgive others, which is why I never got angry with anyone over what happened to us. This is how I know that you are strong, you can love, you can grow, and you are not weak.

The biggest reason that I want us to be together is that I need you. You hold a very special part of me. You hold the part of me that can ‘truly feel’ the love of our Elder Brother. When we were together we were young and His Spirit was strong. We could feel when He was close and could recognize Him. When we separated, you took that part of us with you. I am sure it was to comfort you and help you to not feel afraid, but you don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am beginning to remember how His Spirit felt and I long to feel it again. I can remember His warmth and love. You kept that incredible capacity to love and feel His Spirit with you. I hope that when we can get together you can share with me that part of my heart that can ‘truly feel’ all the wonderful things that exist in the world to feel.

I have an idea that may help us ‘get together’. I think one of the barriers between us is guilt and shame. It is easy to take on the guilt of what happened and tell ourselves it was our fault. This causes even more shame as we think we could have stopped it and we realize how horrible the abuse was. It is humiliating to think that we would let someone touch us and hurt us like our abuser did and not fight back, it just seems wrong. We tried so hard to be good, so why would we do something so bad? But the part we are forgetting is that we were so young, we did not have the ability to tell him no. We did not understand why someone would want to hurt us like he did. He told us it felt good, but it didn’t. We tried to understand it as he would tell us how it should feel, but it just didn’t make sense to us, that is when we started to split. Something inside of us knew it was wrong and that is where our guilt and shame started to grow. We let the guilt and shame take over and it has followed me my entire life. I want to get rid of it.

So, here is my idea… I have been trying to remember the most traumatic incident (that I can remember) as much as I can these past few days. I am trying very hard to think about everything, how I felt, what it looked like, what I was thinking, everything. I even sat in the Celestial Room at the Temple the other day and tried to go over the entire incident while praying to Our Heavenly Father to help me rid myself of the guilt and shame. I prayed to lay my guilt and shame at the feet of our Savior who died for us. I am thinking that I could ‘share’ the experience with my counselor. By share, I mean to have a dialogue, she could ask me any questions she wanted and I would ‘share’ by telling the story with feeling and emotion. If I revert to simply regurgitating the facts, it won’t count. My counselor would be a witness to what happened to us and help us to make sense of it. I am hoping that this experience will help us both to comprehend that we had no responsibility for what happened. I think we filled the hole you left behind in my heart with guilt and shame…if I can get rid of the guilt and shame there will be room for you to return.

I feel that if I can do this, you will see that it is safe to come back, perhaps we can meet in the middle? Then you can share your heart with me and I can help protect you from further harm. Together we can be an incredible tool in the hand of Our Savior and help make the world a better place so others don’t have to separate like we did. Or even better, we can help other separated little children to find their way back so they can be whole.

I know you are getting closer to me, I can feel you getting stronger so I think we are on the right track.

Me

As I go back and forth wondering if it is all really true...or just wondering if I have a 'split personality' I visualize 'where she is' and I feel that she is very near. I remember before I would always envision her down a dark well...or way off in the dark...always far away and alone and scared...I don't see her like that now...I feel like she is right next to me...

I think of the movie Sybil with Sally Fields and at the end she meets her 17+ (or however many) split personalities that her mind created to help her deal with the abuse...and the camera backs off as she is greeting each one...and we see Sybil laying on a blanket with her counselor and hugging herself and the counselor is saying..."As Sybil welcomes the different people into her heart she is loving and accepting herself" (or something like that) and so it makes me feel kind of stupid to want to 'hug her' but if you notice the beginning of the letter...I say I am told I should do for her what I would want done to me...then I say to 'hold and rock her till the tears stop flowing'. And I think about how nice it would be to have someone hold me and rock me and help me to feel loved and let me cry my tears out...but I guess I don't have anyone physically that I can do that with...

I have had a dream about my mom (she actually is around quite a bit...kind of nice that she understands everything and I don't have to explain it) and I remember sitting next to her telling her everything and being aware that she was dead...but we were interacting and chatting...then my son woke me up...(Sunday afternoon nap time) I remember feeling so frustrated that I woke up and it was over...and I remember thinking...maybe if I go back to sleep real fast...I can go back to my dream...it worked...and I remember feeling so happy that I could finish talking to her..then I said to her, "Mom, I wish I could hug you...but I know it is just a dream and you are dead"...she smiled and put her arms out to me...I will never forget as I reached out to hug her and I could truly 'feel' her hugging me and loving me. Maybe I need to have that dream again...

Thursday March 21, 2013
I have felt a presence the last week or two...I am not sure who it is...for awhile I thought it might be my mom but it feels different. I think about it and I see in my head myself sitting on a bench and someone sitting right up close to me...right up next to me...someone that makes me feel warm inside and loved...I can think about it and the feeling comes immediately and I feel loved....I figure I'll just go with it for now...

My counselor asked me about my letter...if there was anything else to talk about...I don't know...there is a part of me that thinks...how incredible it would be if there was a part of me that I could bond with and it would make me feel more loved...if it could open up my heart and help me feel the Spirit more...how could that be a bad thing...I know the presence I feel is female...is it the 'little girl inside me'?  I have no idea...

I know it is someone that cares about me and that helps me to feel stronger and do what I feel it right.  So I am grateful for her.

Today on my way to work..I got thinking about things...some days I commute more than others and so on the days that I drive farther I often will sing hymns, primary songs, or my favorite Afterglow song Help Me Find The Way..."Father, Canst thou hear me?  Do my words pass by unnoticed in the air?  I've bared my aching soul to thee...I've struggled in my misery and I'm wondering...is someone really there?"...I LOVE this song...Anyway...I'll sing bits and pieces of this song or others...and I usually get a little teary eyed...and this morning I felt my mother again..I haven't felt her as strong as I felt her this morning for a few weeks...I was again brought to tears feeling overwhelmed with her love and knowing how proud she was of me.  I guess she knows how hard it is right now having to see my X every other day in all the counseling and kids activities that we are doing...it was nice.

I also learned that the presence I am feeling is not my mother...maybe it is part of me...part of my heart that has been closed off...that I haven't allowed myself to feel...I just know that I like it...so I'll try and be content with that.
 

Emotions, Romance and the Sex Addict

Emotions
I always felt I was a fairly 'tough' girl. I grew up in a house full of boys...I was strong...I could build fires, etc. I would cry...but not excessively.  My mother used to cry quite a bit. I remember my father telling my brothers "Be nice to your mother...she is going through the change." My brothers said she had been going through the change for over 10 years. My aunt used to say that my mother's bladder was in her head...I never wanted to be that way...

While I was trying to deal with my depression and try and figure out what was going on I think I started to cry more often. Bearing my testimony became a 'tearful' event. My kids will say that I am getting better at 'talking while crying' and I don't sniffle in the microphone...I just breathe for a moment until I can get it together.  There was a period that I felt there was no reason to put on makeup...I'd just cry it off...

When I was asked to teach Gospel Doctrine I would often cry as I bore my testimony at the end of my lesson...I remember getting home from church...and my X came home later in a second car...He walks in the house and says grinning.."Well..Mom was 'bawling' again in Sunday School today" and the kids would laugh...one of my friends was telling me the problem was I was getting closer and closer to my feelings while he was getting farther and farther...anytime I was feeling emotional it made him feel guilty. And then the sarcastic and rude remarks would start....sad...

My kids will say I don't cry like I used to...I guess that is good? I do get concerned with my girls because they think that they can't cry...they think people will laugh at them and make fun of them. They think crying is a sign of weakness...they get frustrated with themselves when they cry. I think that is a terrible thing...because being able to feel emotions both good and bad is what makes life worth living.

Romance
My X was good about sending flowers for the major holidays, he understood that was expected of a good husband and so he did it. He used to kid me about emotions...telling me that he was one of those guys that wasn't very sensitive and if I wanted him to know something I would have to tell him. He wouldn't be able to 'pick up on it' by my moods.  The longer I was married to him..the more I began to feel that he was 'checking the boxes'. I felt that he knew what was the expected behavior and so that is what he would do.

I was amazed that my daughters caught on to this. I remember my daughter crying one day...telling me.."How come I feel like dad does stuff because he thinks he is supposed to..not because he wants to?  How come he is always saying..this is what you should do...this is appropriate..blah blah blah. I finally took time to explain to her that he isn't able to 'trust his feelings' and so he has learned over the years what is appropriate behavior...and so 'yes' he checks the boxes and then feels that he is doing the right thing.

I had never kissed anyone before I met my X. (Ok...there was a kiss or two here or there...but that was it) and so of course..after getting married...I wanted to have fun 'making out' starting with the 'fun stuff' (kissing, necking, etc.) Within months..he had no interest at all in kissing. He would keep saying..."Why do we need to do that when we can have sex?" Sometimes I would try to 'be romantic' and 'loving' and he would just lay there...for long periods of time not reacting. One time I asked him why he wasn't responding and didn't seem interested...His response, "I wanted to see how long you would do it."

I began to feel that he didn't 'like me', he didn't accept so many parts of my personality. The difficult part was that the parts I felt he didn't accept were the parts that I liked the most. I liked the fact that I could tell a story in a lesson and turn it into a testimony bearing opportunity. I liked the fact that I could go to camp and have a great time acting rowdy and making everyone smile..I feel this was a huge part of my depression.  I remember him saying to me, "How can you think I don't love you? I married you, I share my paycheck with you, I help with the wash." He didn't comprehend the need I had to be 'loved and cherished' Because of my abusive past..the last thing I wanted was a sexual relationship with no emotional connection. He did not have the ability to make the emotional connection with me that he cared. This was in combination with my abuse issues...I think it is amazing we were married for 18 years...

Powerful Women and the Addict

I think it is funny that my 'ex' would say things that made me feel he was 'intimidated' by me and the things I would do. He had no idea the power and control he had over me...especially because of my abuse...I was not very good at saying no. (ok...I am sure I was a pretty good 'passive agressive' but he had a very different perception of our relationship than I did). He had a very difficult time with change and I had this burning inner drive to 'do things'. I think back and realize these moments of 'I just gotta do it' were the Spirit touching my heart to help me become more independent and to defend myself. The biggest issue was my returning to college. I dropped out of college before I went on my mission...mainly because my father wanted me to go to college...I was afraid I would fail...and therefore...I flunked most of my classes and got a job that I felt was 'so much better for me'. Anyway...I went to school 15 years later while maintaining a family daycare and had a houseful of my own kids under the age of 8.  I even had a baby during my 'college years'. This was EXTREMELY threatening to him. I even showed him time and time again...my patriarchal blessing tells me several times to get a good education...that my help will be needed to support my family. I explained to him that we were a 'team' and that he was helping me..then I would help him (if he wanted to go to college). He did end up finishing his degree right as we separated.

Anyway...I remember after I was successful at school...he would start making comments like, "I don't have Stake callings like your mom (I was in the Stake YW presidency)." or "How come you always get everything you want.?" 'I'm not a brainiac like your mom." and I remember my mother telling me, "Honey, you can't fix his self esteem." I remember thinking he didn't want me to succeed. It seemed that if I was successful...that meant he was a failure. What kind of partnership requires one to fail for the other to feel successful?

I had many 'high profile callings' at church...partly because we lived in a rural area and members were few...he took this as an insult to him. How come 'I' was getting all these callings? I was just doing what I was asked. People would tell him and me that they couldn't believe that I was going to school and taking care of kids and making the National Dean's List (for part of that time I was the YW president in my ward)...I would always tell them it was because my X was supporting me. He was very good at coming home from work and making dinner while I studied, or went out the door to go to class. He would take the kids to the park for the afternoon so I could finish a paper. He would do so many things that seemed supportive...then it seemed that he would change and be mad that I was successful. I had many friends tell me that he seemed to not want me to be so successful. I asked my X one time what he wanted me to do...do you want me to ask to be released?  Should I tell them no?  He would never answer....

Before I moved...I was trying very hard to help my bishop understand what I felt was going on in our marriage. I remember telling him that I thought my X was 'intimidated' by me and he responded, "Why would anyone shy away from something that is strong? Christ is strong and we all want to be like Him?" But I just felt he would have been much happier with a 'barefoot and pregnant' kind of wife that didn't want to do anything. So...moving on to my 2 daughters.

My daughters are simply amazing. They are strong and intelligent and 'alive'. I am so proud of who they are...yet they feel that their father rejects them. My oldest daughter is almost ready to go on a mission (President Monson's talk regarding new mission age)...her father has made comments that imply, "Don't go on a mission or you will end up like your mother." Her little brother told her...you need to finish school and get married...that is what the prophet says to do. Now seriously, a little boy is going to come up with that?  REALLY?  I have joked with a friend that my daughter is probably going on a mission partly BECAUSE her dad doesn't want her to.  But he did finally tell her that he was ok with it...but doesn't want to help her financially...he is too busy trying to keep my teenage son happy and promising him a car. 

What is the problem with being a strong woman?  My teenage son (very close to his dad) has also said...the girls going on missions are competing with the guys...it's a guy thing to go on a mission...it is too hard for guys to keep up if the girls do everything the guys do...wow...that's sad!

What a shame that pornography is so rampant and it is causing men to want to 'keep women down' and aren't feeling the drive to 'rise up together' and becoming an incredible couple that strives to be obedient to the Lord's commands...I guess that is only 'one' of the many, many, many reasons that pornography and other addictions destroy families...and that is what Satan is trying to do...one family at a time.

We need to help our children become powerful and strong...and be supportive to each other...to follow the example of Our Savior and truly want what is best for those around us.

Tuesday 3/12/13
You know...I have been thinking about this...I used to be so strong...and I am finally starting to feel it come back...I hope it does come back...I think it will...I was at RS meeting tonight...we had a big 3 ward combined meeting...they asked me to say the closing prayer...no big deal.

We had a LDS author speak..so I tried to thank the Lord for the good that she shared and remember how much we help and support each other. When I finished I made eye contact with the speaker and she looked at me and said..."That was a wonderful prayer". The cool part of it...I felt that I truly spoke from my heart...a few months ago I would have been concerned about if I 'said the right things' or if I 'sounded ok' and tonight...I was just glad I had a chance to talk to my Father in Heaven and ask Him to help us stay strong as women...and that was it..no little 'running monologue' to put me down or make me stress out or add anxiety to my day...now THAT was nice.  So...maybe I am getting stronger...I moved about 3 years ago...I am thinking this summer I should go back and visit my old friends and see how that feels...I wonder if they will see a difference...I don't want to 'show off' but just be grateful for the help and love I have received from my Heavenly Father...and I want to share it...I don't know if that makes any sense or not...

Sigh...sometimes healing sucks...just saying...

The Abused Child Within Me

Ok...
So...I guess part of healing is getting in touch with the child part of me that was abused. I think the theory is that when severe trauma happens...a part of you stops growing...and then you end up an adult with an 'inner child' that is hurt and separated from you as an adult. And if I understand it all accurately...that is why when my abuse 'triggers' get triggered...I react as a child...I can't deal with things emotionally...I crumble...I panic and need to talk to someone that will 'validate' or 'solve my problem' or 'tell me I am not crazy'.  I mean...friends are awesome...but who wants to do that all the time...

I went to counseling yesterday and we talked about doing something to help me get 'unstuck' emotionally. I feel like the 'abuse baggage' is overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to just shove it in a corner of my mind...that is what I did as a child...and it really doesn't seem to be working anymore....so I have been just letting my emotions bounce all over during counseling...driving my counselor crazy...she keeps offering ideas for me to do...I just kind of 'blow them off' thinking she doesn't understand or care...it was becoming a vicious circle...and I was going nowhere fast.

I tried EMDR last fall (EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) EMDR Wikipedia link I was nervous at first...I mean hey...I have control issues...what makes you think I am going to let someone wave their fingers in front of my face in an effort to help me 'relax' and think about my problems.  But it wasn't as bad as I thought...actually kind of interesting...I was kind of surprised at the range of emotions and feelings I would get during the process. The oddest feeling was when I realized something (an event) that could dig up such strong emotions...was now no big deal...kind of refreshing I will admit. I think it was a big help in lowering my 'panic and stress' levels of my issues so I could talk about things and try to deal with my life.

Well...now my counselor is thinking I should try again...this time the other therapist would be in the room with me and my counselor...Yes...I am messed up enough to require 2 therapists...so I gave it a try...this therapist used these 'tapper' things...a small object that fits in your hand and vibrates. You hold a tapper in each hand and they alternate vibrating. The goal is to let both sides of your brain participate in the healing. They say the 'tappers' stimulate both sides of the brain simultaneously and this helps all of your brain to 'reprocess' the trauma. It is supposed to help with 'emotion overload' or 'cerebral thinking' where you are either all emotion..or devoid of emotion and all intellectual thinking (this is when I tell myself it was no big deal...just keep moving through life...who cares...I am ignoring how I truly feel about things). So...yesterday I tried the 'tappers'.  Gotta say...too much stimulation for me...I felt that my eyes were twitching when the tappers were 'buzzing' kind of like REM sleep.  That was weird enough that I didn't like it...she tried to turn the tappers down. (I have some serious touch issues) either that or both halves of my brain don't like to communicate...now that would kind of make sense. I finally ended up keeping my eyes open and holding the tappers about 3 inches up the cord so the vibrations were not as intense.

The goal was to create a box of some sort in my mind and put all the 'garbage' that I can't deal with in the box...and I guess go find it later if I decide to deal with it.  I had the 'box' and was trying to 'put stuff I didn't want' in it...but I just couldn't seem to visualize it. She was asking me what I 'could see' and I keep thinking of a wall...the wall that blocks the memories I can't/don't want to remember. I think I want to remember...but since I don't know what they are...I am understandably anxious about what those memories might be....so I kept coming up with a wall...

Then I could see the little girl that was me...I see her a lot in my thoughtsnow...I am told I need to 'heal her' so I can heal...but how do I do that? I feel that I have 'hurt her' twice...once when she was abused and I did not protect or help her...and again when I married a man that could not 'love' or make emotional connections. Guess I am kind of afraid of my 'third strike'. It always seems to me that she is too far away for me to get to her (read some of my poems) and I am not sure how to 'reach her'.

So...they suggested I write a letter to the little girl inside of me.  Gotta say...flashes of Sybil with Sally Fields hugging her 'inner self' as she was accepting her 'split personalities' are coming to mind. There is a part of me that thinks it is weird to 'talk or write a letter' to myself as a child.  But...I want to heal...so I have been pondering what that would mean...what would it look like...how would I feel doing it...how would I feel when it is done?

Now...I am thinking about what I could gain from a better understanding of my child self? And this is what is coming to me...It is very hard for me to 'find the center' that happy middle place between emotions and intellect. That place where you can feel...but emotions are supported by intelligence and wisdom. I tend to go from one to the other...Combined with this is the fact that I sense that I can't 'feel' the Spirit like I should. I think this is a result of my shutting down my heart so many years ago. So today on my way to work...I started thinking and realizing...The child within me can feel...the longing I have to better feel the Spirit is a longing for what I used to feel as a child. I think this is the reason my desire to 'get it back' is so strong...because I have felt it before. I know what it is and I know it exists. So perhaps the little girl inside of me is the emotional part of me, the sensitive part of me, the innocent 'child like faith' that can freely talk with God?  If this is the case...maybe I can figure out a way to 'meet her in the middle' and she can help me open up my heart and feel the emotions I long for and I can help her better handle the trauma that she had to experience?  Well...I am hoping this is how it is and it will work...I am going to think about what I want to say in the letter and I will probably work on it Sunday...it is fast Sunday and we have late church so I will have some time in the morning.  Wish me luck!

PS  I am making efforts to connect with the child within me...see my post Meeting the Little Girl Inside of Me

What Did My Abuse Do To Me?

I was asked in counseling what my abuse did to me...good question...

Some days I feel that it affects every aspect of my life...other times I try and convince myself that it was no big deal...the longer I am in counseling...the harder it is to convince myself that it was no big deal...sigh...

I think it affected my ability to interact with boys as anything other than a friend. I think it gave me a fear of 'sexual energy' which would include flirting and any prospect of physical intimacy. Wow...it sure makes me wonder if my dating years would have been different if my childhood had been different.

It has given me HUGE control issues...I always thought it was strange that I could be so 'outgoing and fun' when I wanted to but if someone else was in control...I would crumble and go into a total panic.  For example: my room mate threw a surprise party for me and I heard about it through a different room mate and it was all I could do to go home that night...I finally resigned myself to going...and when I got there...I smiled politely and stuck myself in the corner of the couch and basically hid from everyone...gotta say...probably didn't impress a lot of people that night. My roommate that threw the part was mad and finally said.."Fine, you REALLY don't like parties for you...I was trying to do something nice to help you feel loved...I won't do it again!" And my response was (which I didn't vocalize of course) "Yeah...PLEASE don't every throw me another party." But what is weird is I threw a party for her and I was 'stirring it all up' and having a great time. Serious control issues...

It affects how I dress. I remember wearing dresses all the time when I was little...and it was fine...then as I got older...I just didn't want to do it. When I was in 5th grade (back in the old days when Primary was during the week) I would have to wear a dress to school because I went to primary straight from school. One day I decided on a whim to wear a dress on another day. I think I had about 5 kids ask me if it was Thursday since I was wearing a dress.  Yeah...that really added to my paranoia that everyone watches when I dress up...and not wanting to dress up because I was not comfortable with the energy or attention.

I can't deal with sexual attraction or sexual energy...like at all...When I was on my mission (South America) I was in the market one day with my companion...I always had companions about half my height. A man from Spain (lisp accent and all) started talking to me and began to ask if we could meet. I remember asking where he lived and realized he was in the Elder's area (whew...good thing...he was making me very nervous) he responded, "Quiero Charlar con VOS" (I want to talk with YOU) in a very seductive manner..I, of course, did not have the skills to deal with it...and began to turn red and tell him I would be happy to give his address to the Elders...to make a long story short...he continued to say he wanted to talk with me...and my face just kept getting redder and redder...I remember feeling that the whole market place was looking and laughing at me...not a fun experience...I definitely have issues with sexual energy.

It affected my choice in spouse. I remember when I was dating my X all my friends would say.."You both act so normal when you are together...you aren't trying to be someone different." I would finally realize that we were both 'normal' because he wasn't truly attracted to me (gay porn issue a little more than he is willing to admit) and I was comfortable because there was no 'sexual energy'. I didn't realize what I was missing for many years to come. Gotta say...that part of it kinda sucks...makes me want to play the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' game....I had no idea what I was missing out on...I had shut down my heart so long ago...I just couldn't feel it...

It affected my personality. I remember talking to another co worker one day and she mentioned that she was abused as a child also..she never married...I will say she dressed very nice...but she was kind of a 'tough gal' that no one wanted to make mad. This kind of thinking makes me wonder if people that are abused as children (something happens that is damaging to them and it is the result of the power of another person) are going to go to either one extreme or another.. They will either become a doormat...continue to have people abuse them...or they will be 'tough' and intimidate people so no one will ever control them again. Makes me want to be extra nice to all grouchy people :)

So...what is the point of this post? I feel I need to understand how my abuse affected me so I can change those 'by-products' and live my life free of my 'baggage'. Or at least live in a way that I choose...not what is dictated by all my negative personality hangups. Let's go for some of my positive personality hang ups :)  I am trying harder to 'dress up' and 'feel pretty' and if someone compliments me...thank them kindly and not make some stupid remark that will 'negate' the compliment. I want to let go of my trust and control issues so I can truly function and be a positive influence within my family and society. I guess it always comes back to "I want to feel that I am a valued daughter of my Heavenly Father...that He loves and accepts me." I want to know that I can put my past behind me and have a better future...giving my abuse issues a place...but not letting those issues negatively impacting my life...trying to find a place that allows me to be 'better because I have risen above'.

My abuse has had too much power in my life...I am taking that power back!

Child Abuse and Dressing Up

If anyone were to ask me I would say "I hate dressing up!" In fact, I say that quite a bit. But to be truly honest I don't really hate it...I feel that I don't do it very well and there is a different energy when I feel really good about how I look and I am not always comfortable with it.  Granted there were a few environmental issues growing up that added to the problem.

Without giving too much personal information...let's just say I wear a clothing size that is difficult to find. I remember as a kid going to the clothes shopping with my mom and leaning against the racks and saying..."There is nothing in this store that will fit me." My mother would try to keep a smile on her face (especially since she was tired from working all day and trying to make shopping an wonderful mother/daughter bonding experience and I was not helping). As I got into high school we did find a specialty shop that carried my size and I was able to get a few items that helped me to feel very classy and dressed up. So every now and then I would dress up and feel that people were looking at me in a positive way and I would feel good about it but I wouldn't want to do it all the time.

I don't think I attached the connection to my not wanting to dress up to my abuse. At least I didn't want to acknowledge it if I did. I just told myself I was a tomboy. I spend my high school years with lots of boys I felt comfortable around but there was never anything romantic...I was the 'friend that was a girl' and I would tell myself it was because I had grown up with a house full of boys and I knew how to be friends with boys and it was a good thing. I remember having friends that were boys all the years growing up. When I was in second grade I remember the teacher asking for volunteers that would be willing to put their desks together a boy next to a girl. I raised my hand because I never had the 'boys are icky' stage and ended up sitting next to a really nice boy. I had another (boy) friend that showed me how to play marbles and I would go to his house to play marbles after school. Another boy was my friend on the 'bars' on the playground. I think it is interesting that I had all these healthy relationships with boys my age...but my abuser was my age too and the relationship was obviously entirely different. I know the abuser and I were in the same class at school for at least 3rd grade (we lived next door to each other from Kindergarten to 4th grade)...but I only have one memory of him at school...and I remember one time walking home together. That is what I remember now...anyway...

So I went through most of my life always wishing I could wear pants and a t shirt except when I went to church and I knew I had to wear a dress.  When I decided to go on a mission many of my friend teased me and would ask, "You know you will have to wear a dress everyday, right?" I was almost kind of weird about it, I would wear tube socks (athletic socks that come to your knee) with my dress boots...thinking my skirt would cover them so it didn't matter. Any way I could 'look dressed up' and not be I did. On my mission I would wear sweatpants under my dresses..it was so cold in the evening walking home I would pull them down to keep my legs warm - they were black :) Even wearing nylons made me feel very different and looking back now I think I just wasn't comfortable with the energy. Because I rarely dressed up when I did dress up...people made comments and said nice things and sometimes I was in the mood to hear it and sometimes I wasn't.

One of the things my ex would say was, "I am glad you don't dress up, I hate girls that make a big fuss about wearing makeup and getting all fancy." My initial response was...AWESOME I don't have to dress up...but I think later it added to my self esteem issues...let's face it...when women dress up they feel better about themselves...people compliment them and it puts a smile on their face.

Several years ago I started thinking differently. I think as I was beginning to put together the significance that my ex had a gay porn problem and also was 'hyper vigilant' about anything that would even appear gay. My kids picked up on it but I don't know if they ever put 2 and 2 together..My son (who is very comfortable wearing pink or whatever)...would say things like..."I really like those purple shoes...but I know dad won't like them, he'll say they look "gay"...I think my ex has a desire to be homosexual but feels it is wrong and I have always had the thought in the back of my brain that part of his attraction to me is because I am taller than him and I am not as feminine as most girls. Don't get me wrong...I know how to act feminine...I am just not always comfortable doing it...there is a self-awareness when I feel good about how I look that I need to 'better embrace'. But I am working on it....

I remember when we got married...my girl friends all kidded me about the fact that I would need to wear make up and curl my hair at my wedding reception. So I asked a friend to help me put on makeup and curl my hair. I remember after she worked so hard on me...I came out to go into the reception and my ex just looked at me and said, "You're ready...let's go." He told me later that he knew I had to wear makeup and he was afraid that anything he said would come out wrong. I, of course, told myself..."Wow...he really does accept me for myself...how wonderful." yeah...did you catch any sarcasm there? So many people told me how beautiful I was...I did feel beautiful. I was struggling with the attention...I felt everyone was looking at me (duh...it was my wedding) I was uncomfortable with that. My friend that 'fixed me up' has told me several times how many people commented to her how beautiful I looked.

After being married for awhile the thought began in the back of my mind that part of my issue was that I was not comfortable with feeling that I was 'attractive'. I think any form of 'sexual energy' is very uncomfortable to me...my guess is that it is connected to being so afraid of my abuser, especially that one time when he tried to have intercourse...my 'enhanced' version of what happened (my chest is pounding as I write this) and sensing his sexual desire...the way he moved his body...the look in his eye...totally freaked me out as a kid...it gave me the strength and adrenaline to push him away...which of course went instantly to 'remorse' for having told him no and I turned myself into a willing slave...man...is that screwed up or what?

So...here I am divorced...trying to feel good about myself...knowing if I dressed nicer I would feel different, people would look at me different, they would compliment me on how I look, I would act different...and I am wanting all these things...but some days not brave enough to do it. Then I get a second job (yes...I have 2 jobs right now and my ex is trying to get me to pay him child support since he is unemployed...sigh...) well...my second job is teaching college online. The university has a dress code and it was part of a discussion that I needed to review and correct. So there I sat, reading 40+ short essays on the importance of following the dress code and how the standard is not so much 'dressing up for others' as it is respecting the body God has given us. Treating your body in such a way that God knows you understand the amazing gift your body is. Dressing in a way that if you were to 'run into God in the street' He would know you are respecting and caring for His gift, you are grateful for it. This, of course, put a whole different spin on dressing up and yes...I am gradually making changes to my wardrobe and the way I dress. My two teenage girls are being incredibly supportive...one daughter mentioned to me in church that it wasn't fair if I was 'cuter than her' at church and then gave me a wonderful smile :) My girls are very excited that I have bought some 'cool boots' that they can also wear and they are even pondering wanting to borrow some of my other things. My sons have also noticed...my older son has begun teasing me that 'men are checking you out!' I am still not totally comfortable with it...but day by day I am trying to show respect for the gift I have received from my Heavenly Father and dress in a way that my children can be proud of me. My mother used to say..."My mother always told me children deserve a mother that looks nice." In the past I would interpret that to mean as long as I had showered and combed my hair and there were no stains on my clothes I was good...I am trying to 'kick it up a notch' and yes...it does make me feel better. I am still extremely self conscious about it...but I am adjusting. It is a different feeling now when I dress up...I think that is because I am not doing it for the attention or approval of others...I am doing it because I want God to know I am grateful for what He has given me. I am getting compliments from men at church (one even made a point of saying he liked what I had worn the week before). I am trying to accept their compliments with a smile and not make some negative/sarcastic response..some days I am better than others.

So...dressing up...what do I think now? I think that when I feel I am dressed in a way that shows my respect for my body I give off a different energy, a glow that people can see. I have seen it in others...the tomboy that shows up somewhere in a dress and everyone 'oohs and aahs'. I am trying to learn the difference between 'warm sincere compliments' and 'sexual energy'. I am getting much better at receiving compliments (I don't always respond now with a put down that negates the compliment) but sexual energy scares me even more since I have dug up all my abuse issues and I am trying to deal with them.  I am going to go with the assumption that I will get better about this. I will say it gives me no desire to find a boyfriend and get re-married. Although my kids keep telling me I should find a man...I think they are hoping for some rich guy...in their dreams :)  And maybe mine....


Friday 3/8/2013
I have bought some new clothes...I am starting to feel better about myself...I am having people comment and I am feeling ok about it. It is weird...I feel so different about dressing up than before...when I would dress up before I felt that everyone was looking at me and that I had to really watch what I was doing...that it was kind of a 'facade' and it wasn't truly representing me...

This time it is different...I feel like I am just becoming me. I joked with my daughter..."I think I want to dress and act like a woman" She joked back with a smile, "Better late than never" Gosh I love my kids! It just feels so different...I just want to be a woman...feel like a woman...and dress so I feel good...not in a show offy kind of way...just feel good.  Very new feeling for me...

Guilt - I Believe in Christ, I Believe Christ!

Guilt is a strange emotion. I have felt guilt my entire life regarding the sexual abuse that occurred to me. I felt that I could have done something to stop it and I didn't. (One time I did stop him from having intercourse with me...but I let him do whatever he wanted after that) So I always told myself that I must have been a willing participant. This was coupled with..."it wasn't that bad...I must have enjoyed some of it" to complete my guilt.

As a result, I could never completely trust anyone's opinion of me because they, 'didn't know how bad I was' or 'didn't know my secrets'. So if someone said something nice to me...I didn't have to believe it. This, of course, is one of the many complications that is coming up with counseling.  She pretty much knows everything...so...if she tells me I am good...what basis do I have to 'reject' her opinion?  None...which means she has a lot of power that I have given her...which means...what if I am good? Do I even know who that person is?  Who am I without my guilt?

My abuse started before the age of 8. That was always convenient so that I could tell myself I was not accountable for what happened. But then, it continued beyond the age of 8...so...that's where the guilt came in....
I would tell myself...I was a big girl...I knew what was happening was wrong...I should have said no. I obviously didn't (sometimes still don't) understand the power my abuser had over me. I was a sweet little girl that had no ability to say no. I grew up in a male dominated environment (4 brothers no sisters) and I had no reason to think that anyone would ask me to do anything that was wrong. But that darn old 'guilt' just keeps coming back....after all, I wouldn't feel guilty if I hadn't done something that was wrong, right?

So...I went through my youth as the 'goody goody' girl that didn't do anything wrong and everyone would tell me how wonderful I was...class president, always called at the last minute to give talks, etc....and I could never totally believe them when they would say nice things to/about me. I would tell myself I was putting on a pretty good front and no one would ever have to know my secrets, I was hiding them very well.

These feelings were easily carried into adulthood. I kept my secret and no one knew...well...I told my brother as a teenager...he was only a few years older than me and had no idea what to do with the information...so he basically said nothing...I did tell a friend (she was always concerned about my 'perfectionism' and would tell me I was always too hard on myself) and she tried to down play it..."everyone plays around a little as kids" which kind of helped...but I knew my situation was different...so I just kept it to myself and let my guilt fester.

Now...here I am trying to deal with it...I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was just not forgiving myself. I was hanging on to that guilt like a good friend...and it was NOT a good friend...it was an anchor around my neck always bringing me down..it fueled my running monologue that was doing a pretty good job of telling me I was not the valued daughter of my Heavenly Father that I wanted my children to believe...so it had to go.

I found an incredible talk by Elder Richard G Scott To Be Healed April Conference 1994. So many wonderful thoughts, "When you feel you can do no more, temporarily lay your challenges at His feet." " Don’t say, “No one understands me; I can’t sort it out, or get the help I need.” Those comments are self-defeating. No one can help you without faith and effort on your part.  Your personal growth requires that. Don’t look for a life virtually free from discomfort, pain, pressure, challenge, or grief, for those are the tools a loving Father uses to stimulate our personal growth and understanding." He talks of getting blessings and trying to trust the Lord and others to help you.  I decided to get a priesthood blessing.

My best friend has an incredible husband...granted..I did help them get together and did my best friend job of making sure he had a ring when he proposed, etc. But this is about me..so...back to me...I asked for a blessing when I first realized I was going to need to deal with my abuse...and he was wonderful. I went back to him and asked for another...this time I was concerned about being able to forgive myself and accepting that there was no sin on my part involved with my abuse. (Now..I am not one of those that thinks you need a blessing for every little thing...and one of the best pieces of advice my other dear friend gave me once was to prepare to receive priesthood blessings. To pray and ask God to help you 'hear' what he wants to tell you and what he wants you to know. I feel this advice has been a huge help for me in becoming more receptive to the Spirit and receiving more inspiration and support from my Heavenly Father). He choked up as soon as he started, the Spirit was very strong in the room.

There are several things I will always remember about that blessing. One that will always stand out is when he blessed me to 'believe in Christ and to BELIEVE CHRIST'. I have pondered this phrase ever since. I have repeated it to myself when my negative monologue starts telling me I am no good. I have thought about the difference between believing in something and believing something. If I 'believe Christ' then I must believe the scriptures that talk about repentance and change. I must accept that I was not responsible for what happened and I am forgiven.  Pretty heavy concept to spring on someone that has been protecting and nurturing her guilt for 40+ years. I can't say that I have it down yet...but I can say that I don't have that negative feeling in the pit of my stomach nearly as much as before..and when I recognize it is there I can make it leave.

I love the quote on my home page by President James E. Faust (The Refiner's Fire)...."Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance...it is part of the purging toll exacted by some to become acquainted with God."

I have no idea if I am 'out' of the refiner's fire...or if any of us ever will be..I do think we get a break every now and then...and I try to relish those breaks and gather strength for the next trial. I still struggle with guilt...I was told in counseling I have convinced my head...but not my heart...I believe that is where I am now...but that is not where I will stay...

The words of the prophets are true. We can find peace. We can place our guilt and other sins and negativity at the feet of our Savior and He will give us 'rest'. We must give our sins to Him. We must give Him our sorrows. We must do our part to love Him. I keep thinking of Elder Hollands fabulous talk October 2012 (The First Great Commandment) when he bore his testimony of his desire to stand before God and tell Him he loves him. When we can do this we will truly know peace. We will all be able to 'stand tall and breathe'. This is my goal and I know it is possible...I will keep trying until it happens. 
My momma didn't raise no quitter :)

His Porn Addiction

When I was dating my ex I knew he was struggling with something and wasn't participating in the sacrament and couldn't go to the Temple. I figured if he wanted me to know...he'd tell me. (ah...isn't love blind?)
One night before he took me home we started talking and he told me that he had some issues but wanted to have them taken care of before we became serious in our relationship. He said that a co worker had invited him over and started to give him a back massage and he 'reacted' and realized what was going on and left. He said that as a result he became addicted to gay porn but he was not 'gay' and it was taken care of and now he can go to the Temple and everything is ok.
My response?  At first I was impressed that he told me...I really knew nothing about porn (this was over 20 years ago...they didn't really talk about it at church back then...not like they do now) and figured if he had taken care of it and was worthy to go to the Temple...who was I to question it? yeah...kind of naive, don't you think?  Or was it just blind to the reality of the problem...part of me just wanted to get married...I'll admit it.
After a year or so of our marriage he told me that he was having problems again but 'it had nothing to do with me' I believed him and I wanted to trust him. He told me he was talking to the bishop and he had it under control.
A year or so after that he suggested we move the computer into our bedroom. He was working shift work by then and we had babies so I would be asleep in the bedroom and he would be up late on the computer by himself. He mentioned magazines, men's health magazines...I remember seeing some on his side of the bed on the floor...I threw them out. I never said anything to him and he never asked about it.  Yeah...we didn't communicate very good. I guess I was in denial.
About then life got crazy...lots of kids...I returned to school...every now and then he would mention he was struggling but would always follow up with..."I'm talking to the bishop and taking care of it. It has nothing to do with you." I would believe him and go merrily on my way...
After I returned to college it seemed to drive a deep wedge between us...he started making comments like..."I'm not smart like your mom" or "I don't have stake callings like your mom" I couldn't understand why his self esteem was so low...I didn't understand how to help him. I would just try to be supportive of him and do the best I could. I was soon taking anti-depressants.. I was losing any interest I had in intimacy (which wasn't a whole lot after awhile). It seemed that he had no interest in the 'romantic' aspect. He would say, "Why do we need to kiss?" "We don't need all that romantic stuff" "Women come up with all these romance novel ideas..no man can live up to them" Interesting he would complain about my fantasy...when he was the one with the fantasy issues. He just didn't seem to care if I was happy or not about what was happening in the bedroom. Then I was beginning to feel 'used' and then I was starting to think more about my abuse...starting to feel that there was no 'intimacy' just sex...and I was not interested.
I was starting to wonder if his porn addictions were part of the problem (see my post on counseling) I am kind of slow sometimes...I was listening to the talk by Richard G Scott (To Acquire Spiritual Guidance October 2009) he said, "How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?" As his words sunk in...I began to cry and realized that was what my problem was. I tried to tell our marriage counselor and no one seemed to get it...I tried to tell my bishop and he didn't seem to get it. I called my counselor friend...told her how I was feeling and what I thought was going on...about 10 minutes into the conversation...'she nailed it' and explained to me the horrible cycle of addictions, especially sexual addictions.
After that my ex became very angry and felt that I was blaming all my problems on him. I will say that I brought more baggage than I realized with my abuse...but I was not actively participating in any inappropriate behaviors since my abuse as a child. He continued to deny that his addictions and tell me he wasn't doing it any more.  (he didn't even want to admit his addictions affected me or him). One time he said, "I can't help it...when I have a problem I go to my bishop to talk about it...it is not my fault...it has nothing to do with you." Well..he was certainly wrong about that.
I remember talking to his brother (I felt one person in his family needed to know my story) and he said that if his wife found out about him watching/looking at porn she would kick him out of the house. That kind of made me angry...like it was my fault that he had the problem..."I" needed to take care of it for him. On the other hand...I never saw my ex looking at anything...so it was brave of him to at least tell me.
I did try to put a filter on the computer...I told him I wanted to have the password (He had always been the one with the passwords - he is a computer whiz) and on a whim I made the password 'divorce'. Months later he told me that he knew I wanted a divorce because that was the password on the computer program. I asked him how he knew that...he responded, "I know a lot more about computers than you do". Yeah...How is that working for you?...not a very Christian like response...but it was honest.
My bishop and I tried to have an 'intervention' with my ex...didn't go very good...he just didn't want to accept that his problem had horrible affects on me. Shortly before we divorced...I think I had told him I wanted a divorce but he kept talking me out of it. He told me, "I have never cheated on you...with a man or a woman...well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count!"
I was done being a door mat....
I have read that there seems to be two groups of addicts...one group will deny or at least not be totally honest with what he/she is actually doing...never heal.
The second group will be honest with what they are doing...confess when participating in the behavior and sincerely apologize...they heal.
My ex was in the first group.  I remember he called me the day before our divorce was final and asked me if he would quit his job (he didn't want to leave his job so he lived 3 hours away) and move back with me would I take him back. NO! I didn't want him back with a job...why would I want him unemployed.
I have since found out that he has been telling my children for years that I have mental problems and can't process the depth of the gospel...there are principles I don't understand. He told them that I am violating the power of the Atonement because I won't forgive him. When my daughters told me he said this to them...I replied...if I couldn't forgive him...I wouldn't have married him...or stayed married to him for 18 years.
Agency...it causes pain...but it is necessary. sigh....

Enhanced Memories

I had always told myself that I could have stopped my abuse. I told myself that I must have enjoyed it if I didn't stop it. I was abused by a boy next store that was my same age. I remember his mother would send him over to check on me after school before my older brothers came home from school. I was the youngest in my family, the only girl, and both of my parents worked. He also abused me while playing in the backyard and at his house. I always felt horrendous guilt that I was never good enough or 'clean enough' and that no one knew or understood my situation, therefore any compliments or criticisms were not valid since no one knew the whole story.
I have tried to remember how it started. I only remember many incidences over several years. I had convinced myself it didn't hurt and since it started before I was 8 years old I wasn't accountable. The fact that it continued beyond that point...that was a good guilt trip...when I wanted to convince myself I wasn't worthy of something.
I looked at pictures of myself from school wondering if I would be able to tell by my eyes when the abuse started...I looked at my kindergarten picture and I look so innocent...as I looked at the grades after that...that innocence I see is gone. I don't know for sure at this point..but I would guess it started around age 6 possibly age 7. The memories I have are in second and third grade...possibly fourth grade...then my family moved and it was no longer happening.
After I realized I had to 'deal' with my abuse because it was so damaging to me (about 7 months ago)..I had kind of a crazy weekend. I was reading the book Courage to Heal. I was relieved to read that other women that were recovering from childhood sexual abuse had many of the same feelings I did. I read about other women feeling guilty because their bodies reacted to the abuse in a 'natural way' (responding) so that they felt guilt thinking they must have enjoyed it. I had told myself that time and time and time again. It was so calming to realize that I was not 'messed up' to think that way. I also read about a girl abused by her little brother...she had always told herself that she could have stopped it, therefore it was not abuse and it was her fault for not stopping it. I also had this concern since the boy was smaller than me. I did push him away one time when he tried to actually have intercourse but I then turned into a 'passive zombie' and allowed him to do whatever he wanted for an hour or so...I told him he could do anything he wanted as long as he didn't make me have intercourse..so I didn't have to have intercourse...there was something about the change in his face and demeanor that terrified me. I remember when his penis touched my thigh and I just 'freaked'. I couldn't do it. Sometimes I think it is amazing that I was able to ever get married and have 5 children.
So...here I am reading this book(about 7 months ago)...hiding in my bathroom (it is hard to find a private place to read when you have a house full of kids) wondering about my abuse and what it all means. First I need to tell you that I believe in muscle memory (I took a massage class before I got married...I'll have to talk about that another time). So...sitting in the bathroom pondering my life...and all of the sudden I remembered how a specific incident I just mentioned felt. I went from remembering the incident as...I just let him touch my private parts and and put his finger inside me..no big deal...to...feeling pain and throbbing in my private area and remembering excruciating pain and holding back tears. I remember looking at the shelf terrified of what he was going to take off the shelf  (we were in my garage) and put inside me, the pressure as he put things in me, some things he would put in the freezer to make them cold and cause a bigger red mark, he would put sharp things between the folds of my skin and have me press my legs together and see how big a mark it would make, he would make me walk around the garage holding things between the folds of my skin. He would use anything he could find, screws, small tools, sharp objects, whatever he could find and put them inside me. I remember trying not to react or let him know how much it hurt for fear he would be mad at me (How messed up is that?)
So here I am (still in the bathroom 7 months ago) crying, trying to figure out what to do with this enhanced memory of what happened to me. Telling myself there is NO WAY IN HELL that I could have ever wanted that or liked it. I realized that all my memories of my abuse were wrong and I had no point of reference to understand what I had felt or happened. I remember then feeling numb.  It was the weirdest thing. I think my brain just couldn't process it and it just shut down. My guess is it is similar to what happens in therapy when my counselor asks me questions that I subconsciously don't want to answer. I was getting ready for bed that night...still feeling so numb and scared since I had never felt that way before. I remember feeling that I understood now why people would want to cut themselves. People that are in so much emotional pain they feel nothing and want to feel something so the cut themselves to feel physical pain. I called a friend and she chatted with me for quite a while. I didn't do anything stupid and I was glad that my kids were with their dad that weekend.  I have never felt that 'low' since but I am also more aware of when my emotions start going down that trail and I will do something to stop it. Reading the scriptures helps. Get up and go do something with my kids, turn on the TV. There are many things I can do to divert my attention if I ever get those feelings again.
I did (and still do) struggle with trying to figure out how to honor my feelings and not go crazy...but it is possible. It just takes practice..So I keep practicing....I think one of the better pieces of advice from my counselor on this one was, "You can lovingly put your emotions in 'timeout' and come back later to deal with them when it is a better time." That helped me to feel I wasn't ignoring or 'dishonoring' the emotions but doing something so I could function at work or with my kids or whatever.
I sometimes worry I will get more memories, I am worried I will not be in a good place to 'process' them if they do come. Then I worry about what if I never know how my abuse began. You can probably tell...I worry a lot.
So...I want to know how it began...I want to understand what happened...I want to honor the child I was that was not protected...I don't really know how to do it...but I am saying my prayers...going to counseling...trying to learn how to better listen to the Holy Ghost when he is talking to me and most importantly I am still moving forward. Some days...that is the best I can do.