Meeting the Little Girl Inside Me

I am feeling lots of different things...I am feeling that 'pit in your stomach' sometimes related to stress...sometimes related to anticipation of bearing your testimony...sometimes just stress...I am feeling excited...I am feeling calm...I am feeling peace...I am feeling anticipation...most importantly...I am feeling and I am not afraid!


I am thinking about 'bonding' with the 'inner child within me' that was abused so long ago...I think I really want to now...I have thought about it before...but I don't think I was ready.  I never felt like I knew what to do...what to say...how I could comfort her...how I could protect her...what I could do...

I am a little scared that it will bring memories...I am not afraid to have the memories...just anxiety about what those memories might be...you see...I don't know how my abuse started...I don't know what happened the first time someone violated me..I keep thinking something must have happened before the boy next door started molesting me. He and I were the same age...I figure we must have been 6 or 7 years old (can't remember exactly when it started)...I am sure he was being sexually abused also...there is no way he would have the desires he did at that age unless someone was violating him...I can't see myself just going along with it..I wonder about people of my past...family, friends, anyone...It just seems that something must have happened that I have blocked out...I keep telling myself there must be a good reason for me to block it out....My memories of my abuse start when I remember the boy next store having so much control over me I would do anything he wanted...he had me convinced I wanted it and I would get in trouble if I ever said anything...

But I think about meeting her...that little girl that seems so scared and alone...both of us reaching to meet in the middle...her wanting to trust me to take care of her..me wanting to be with her and protect her...this time I will protect her.  We will not allow anyone to mistreat us again.  Funny how I like the idea of 'we'...part of me thinks it makes me psycho...part of me thinks it is a step towards healing...I guess I'll have to see which one wins...

I wonder how I am supposed to meet her?  I guess just visualize?  Imagine her...think about her coming together with me...the old 'hug yourself' seems kind of lame...

Well...lots of feelings are bouncing around...I'll have to see what happens...sigh...

Thursday 2/28/2013
I felt her close last night...I wondered how I could 'connect'...as I drove to work today...I began thinking of one of my abuse experiences...the one that I can remember better now (see enhanced memories) and I began to feel how scared she was when it happened. I remember thinking how confused she was to try and understand why someone would want to hurt her. I began to cry myself. I remember saying over and over this morning in my head..."Why would I let someone do that to me?" "Why didn't I stop it?" "It hurt me so bad, yet I did nothing." I began to feel that I was once again blaming myself for what happened. I began to think about how hard it is to forgive myself...I was less than 8 years old when it started...yet I still blame myself...She does not feel as close today...perhaps I need to work on forgiving myself...maybe I blame her? I am going to the Temple tomorrow...I hope to gain some insight or at least some spiritual support.

I was thinking last night...I am finally at a point that I really want to 'bond' with her. I want to feel complete...and I am trying to convince myself that I will take all the additional 'baggage' that will come with bonding with her...whether it be additional memories, horrible recognition, feeling things that were done to me, or even things that I perhaps have done.  I think that is the big issue..fear of something I might have done to start the abuse...but then I tell myself I was such a little girl...how could I have done something so wrong that I would need to be so afraid as an adult?

That is one of the big mysteries....

Friday 3/1/2013
Went to the Temple today...prayed a lot about how to process what is happening and how I am supposed to 'bond' with the girl inside of me. Made some attempts to 'self tap' (tapping myself - alternating hands - I tried on my chest and on my knees - chest is more intense) tried doing it while reviewing some of my 'emotional baggage'...I think it helps...I just don't feel as 'stressed out' or have the 'anxiety monologue' like I used to after pondering my 'issues'...and that is a good thing.

The answers I came up with (with a little inspiration) are:
*I need to reach out to her without feeling any guilt or shame.
*I need to reach out to her.
*I need to 'share' at least one of my abuse experiences. (I think I will do this in counseling...my counselor talked about her role as a 'witness' to what happened..to support me...so I am thinking that I need to truly 'share' not just regurgitate the facts with an emotionless tone...that will be hard...I think I'll take a blanket to my session...I can use it to comfort me physically...so I can 'stretch my comfort zone' emotionally.
*If I can deal with my guilt and shame (I know...do you believe I can still feel that it might be my fault?) then I will be in a position where she can feel safe. (and yes...part of me still feels like I am a 'nut case' talking to myself...but...hey...if it works...I'll try it) She needs to feel safe and protected before we can 'bond'. 
*I think connecting with her will be key in my 'taking back' my heart and feeling all I want to feel again.
*Maybe we can meet in the middle and help each other find a happy balance between a loving heart and a intellectual mind.

So...going to spend some time tomorrow with my kids and Sunday is fast Sunday...I'll write my letter and see how it goes at counseling on Tuesday...

Sunday 3/3/2013
I am working on the letter to the 'little girl' in me. Interesting concept...I am trying not to feel like I have a split personality...every time the 'little girl' is mentioned in counseling I am always asked, "What would you say to her? What does she need to hear? What would you say if you knew a little girl that this happened to, what would you say?" So I am writing about that..

I am thinking about the experience I remember the best and it is weird...it seems to be taking on a role like an abuse scene in a movie. Perhaps it is just starting to feel more real to me and that is the shift I am feeling. I was thinking it wasn't going to be that big of a deal to share with my counselor...but then..I always seem to think my abuse was no big deal.  When will I ever learn? Maybe what I am feeling is an increase of the emotion attached to the event. I visualize myself telling the story and it is becoming more alive. I hope it doesn't get too weird..I need to go to work tomorrow.

Wednesday 3/6/2013
Well I gave my counselor my letter...she ended up reading it to me and we talked about how I was feeling about it. It went ok...I think mainly because I had sat through the Temple and prayed so much about it. I do think I feel closer to that part of me that 'slipped away' so many years ago... Last night my daughter was talking about her mission...trying to figure out who is going to pay for what...and I just felt so overwhelmed with love and I thought to myself...'we at least collided' and it was nice.

I have been debating about posting the letter I wrote...well...in the hopes that it will help someone else...here it is...

March 3, 2013

To the Little Girl Inside of Me (otherwise known as me),

This letter is to help me connect with you…I want to try and figure out how to bond back with you, but I am not sure how to do that. I am asked what do I think you need, what do I wish someone would do to me. If I could, I would scoop you up and hold you tight and rock you till the tears stop flowing and you believe how much you are loved. But since I can’t do that, I think I’ll start with talking about how you came to be and who you are. It is important that you understand these concepts.

You came to be when I was being sexually abused. I don’t remember how the abuse started and I have gaps in what happened, but I know that you can remember it all. I know that you are afraid and alone and don’t know how to make it better. I understand why you would be afraid, what happened to us was very wrong and frightening.  It was the wrong actions of another person, actions that took place because bad things were happening to him too. I think you went into hiding because it was more than you could handle and I appreciate that you protected me when we separated. You took those memories that were too painful for me to bear with you so I would not be afraid. When I married, it just made it worse for you and pushed you farther away, I know that and I am sorry. Things are different now, I am older and I am no longer afraid. I want you to come back; I promise that I will never allow anyone to hurt us again. One day I hope that you can share those missing memories with me and I can help you, so you will no longer be afraid.

Who you are is more important than how you came to be. Who you are is a beautiful daughter of Our Heavenly Father who loves you very much. You also have some special talents and gifts that you are not able to share as long as we are apart. You are a fighter than never lost her faith in Christ. You never stopped protecting me; you never got angry at God or turned away from Him. I will always be grateful for that. You are a huge reason that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. You have always helped me to feel when His Spirit is near. You have an incredible capacity to love and forgive others, which is why I never got angry with anyone over what happened to us. This is how I know that you are strong, you can love, you can grow, and you are not weak.

The biggest reason that I want us to be together is that I need you. You hold a very special part of me. You hold the part of me that can ‘truly feel’ the love of our Elder Brother. When we were together we were young and His Spirit was strong. We could feel when He was close and could recognize Him. When we separated, you took that part of us with you. I am sure it was to comfort you and help you to not feel afraid, but you don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am beginning to remember how His Spirit felt and I long to feel it again. I can remember His warmth and love. You kept that incredible capacity to love and feel His Spirit with you. I hope that when we can get together you can share with me that part of my heart that can ‘truly feel’ all the wonderful things that exist in the world to feel.

I have an idea that may help us ‘get together’. I think one of the barriers between us is guilt and shame. It is easy to take on the guilt of what happened and tell ourselves it was our fault. This causes even more shame as we think we could have stopped it and we realize how horrible the abuse was. It is humiliating to think that we would let someone touch us and hurt us like our abuser did and not fight back, it just seems wrong. We tried so hard to be good, so why would we do something so bad? But the part we are forgetting is that we were so young, we did not have the ability to tell him no. We did not understand why someone would want to hurt us like he did. He told us it felt good, but it didn’t. We tried to understand it as he would tell us how it should feel, but it just didn’t make sense to us, that is when we started to split. Something inside of us knew it was wrong and that is where our guilt and shame started to grow. We let the guilt and shame take over and it has followed me my entire life. I want to get rid of it.

So, here is my idea… I have been trying to remember the most traumatic incident (that I can remember) as much as I can these past few days. I am trying very hard to think about everything, how I felt, what it looked like, what I was thinking, everything. I even sat in the Celestial Room at the Temple the other day and tried to go over the entire incident while praying to Our Heavenly Father to help me rid myself of the guilt and shame. I prayed to lay my guilt and shame at the feet of our Savior who died for us. I am thinking that I could ‘share’ the experience with my counselor. By share, I mean to have a dialogue, she could ask me any questions she wanted and I would ‘share’ by telling the story with feeling and emotion. If I revert to simply regurgitating the facts, it won’t count. My counselor would be a witness to what happened to us and help us to make sense of it. I am hoping that this experience will help us both to comprehend that we had no responsibility for what happened. I think we filled the hole you left behind in my heart with guilt and shame…if I can get rid of the guilt and shame there will be room for you to return.

I feel that if I can do this, you will see that it is safe to come back, perhaps we can meet in the middle? Then you can share your heart with me and I can help protect you from further harm. Together we can be an incredible tool in the hand of Our Savior and help make the world a better place so others don’t have to separate like we did. Or even better, we can help other separated little children to find their way back so they can be whole.

I know you are getting closer to me, I can feel you getting stronger so I think we are on the right track.

Me

As I go back and forth wondering if it is all really true...or just wondering if I have a 'split personality' I visualize 'where she is' and I feel that she is very near. I remember before I would always envision her down a dark well...or way off in the dark...always far away and alone and scared...I don't see her like that now...I feel like she is right next to me...

I think of the movie Sybil with Sally Fields and at the end she meets her 17+ (or however many) split personalities that her mind created to help her deal with the abuse...and the camera backs off as she is greeting each one...and we see Sybil laying on a blanket with her counselor and hugging herself and the counselor is saying..."As Sybil welcomes the different people into her heart she is loving and accepting herself" (or something like that) and so it makes me feel kind of stupid to want to 'hug her' but if you notice the beginning of the letter...I say I am told I should do for her what I would want done to me...then I say to 'hold and rock her till the tears stop flowing'. And I think about how nice it would be to have someone hold me and rock me and help me to feel loved and let me cry my tears out...but I guess I don't have anyone physically that I can do that with...

I have had a dream about my mom (she actually is around quite a bit...kind of nice that she understands everything and I don't have to explain it) and I remember sitting next to her telling her everything and being aware that she was dead...but we were interacting and chatting...then my son woke me up...(Sunday afternoon nap time) I remember feeling so frustrated that I woke up and it was over...and I remember thinking...maybe if I go back to sleep real fast...I can go back to my dream...it worked...and I remember feeling so happy that I could finish talking to her..then I said to her, "Mom, I wish I could hug you...but I know it is just a dream and you are dead"...she smiled and put her arms out to me...I will never forget as I reached out to hug her and I could truly 'feel' her hugging me and loving me. Maybe I need to have that dream again...

Thursday March 21, 2013
I have felt a presence the last week or two...I am not sure who it is...for awhile I thought it might be my mom but it feels different. I think about it and I see in my head myself sitting on a bench and someone sitting right up close to me...right up next to me...someone that makes me feel warm inside and loved...I can think about it and the feeling comes immediately and I feel loved....I figure I'll just go with it for now...

My counselor asked me about my letter...if there was anything else to talk about...I don't know...there is a part of me that thinks...how incredible it would be if there was a part of me that I could bond with and it would make me feel more loved...if it could open up my heart and help me feel the Spirit more...how could that be a bad thing...I know the presence I feel is female...is it the 'little girl inside me'?  I have no idea...

I know it is someone that cares about me and that helps me to feel stronger and do what I feel it right.  So I am grateful for her.

Today on my way to work..I got thinking about things...some days I commute more than others and so on the days that I drive farther I often will sing hymns, primary songs, or my favorite Afterglow song Help Me Find The Way..."Father, Canst thou hear me?  Do my words pass by unnoticed in the air?  I've bared my aching soul to thee...I've struggled in my misery and I'm wondering...is someone really there?"...I LOVE this song...Anyway...I'll sing bits and pieces of this song or others...and I usually get a little teary eyed...and this morning I felt my mother again..I haven't felt her as strong as I felt her this morning for a few weeks...I was again brought to tears feeling overwhelmed with her love and knowing how proud she was of me.  I guess she knows how hard it is right now having to see my X every other day in all the counseling and kids activities that we are doing...it was nice.

I also learned that the presence I am feeling is not my mother...maybe it is part of me...part of my heart that has been closed off...that I haven't allowed myself to feel...I just know that I like it...so I'll try and be content with that.