I think I can do this.....

Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)

I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!

We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)

The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.

So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.

This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."

When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath".  I think I am almost there...

As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.

I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....

True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name.  God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.

Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response?  How much time do you have?

Guilt - I Believe in Christ, I Believe Christ!

Guilt is a strange emotion. I have felt guilt my entire life regarding the sexual abuse that occurred to me. I felt that I could have done something to stop it and I didn't. (One time I did stop him from having intercourse with me...but I let him do whatever he wanted after that) So I always told myself that I must have been a willing participant. This was coupled with..."it wasn't that bad...I must have enjoyed some of it" to complete my guilt.

As a result, I could never completely trust anyone's opinion of me because they, 'didn't know how bad I was' or 'didn't know my secrets'. So if someone said something nice to me...I didn't have to believe it. This, of course, is one of the many complications that is coming up with counseling.  She pretty much knows everything...so...if she tells me I am good...what basis do I have to 'reject' her opinion?  None...which means she has a lot of power that I have given her...which means...what if I am good? Do I even know who that person is?  Who am I without my guilt?

My abuse started before the age of 8. That was always convenient so that I could tell myself I was not accountable for what happened. But then, it continued beyond the age of 8...so...that's where the guilt came in....
I would tell myself...I was a big girl...I knew what was happening was wrong...I should have said no. I obviously didn't (sometimes still don't) understand the power my abuser had over me. I was a sweet little girl that had no ability to say no. I grew up in a male dominated environment (4 brothers no sisters) and I had no reason to think that anyone would ask me to do anything that was wrong. But that darn old 'guilt' just keeps coming back....after all, I wouldn't feel guilty if I hadn't done something that was wrong, right?

So...I went through my youth as the 'goody goody' girl that didn't do anything wrong and everyone would tell me how wonderful I was...class president, always called at the last minute to give talks, etc....and I could never totally believe them when they would say nice things to/about me. I would tell myself I was putting on a pretty good front and no one would ever have to know my secrets, I was hiding them very well.

These feelings were easily carried into adulthood. I kept my secret and no one knew...well...I told my brother as a teenager...he was only a few years older than me and had no idea what to do with the information...so he basically said nothing...I did tell a friend (she was always concerned about my 'perfectionism' and would tell me I was always too hard on myself) and she tried to down play it..."everyone plays around a little as kids" which kind of helped...but I knew my situation was different...so I just kept it to myself and let my guilt fester.

Now...here I am trying to deal with it...I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was just not forgiving myself. I was hanging on to that guilt like a good friend...and it was NOT a good friend...it was an anchor around my neck always bringing me down..it fueled my running monologue that was doing a pretty good job of telling me I was not the valued daughter of my Heavenly Father that I wanted my children to believe...so it had to go.

I found an incredible talk by Elder Richard G Scott To Be Healed April Conference 1994. So many wonderful thoughts, "When you feel you can do no more, temporarily lay your challenges at His feet." " Don’t say, “No one understands me; I can’t sort it out, or get the help I need.” Those comments are self-defeating. No one can help you without faith and effort on your part.  Your personal growth requires that. Don’t look for a life virtually free from discomfort, pain, pressure, challenge, or grief, for those are the tools a loving Father uses to stimulate our personal growth and understanding." He talks of getting blessings and trying to trust the Lord and others to help you.  I decided to get a priesthood blessing.

My best friend has an incredible husband...granted..I did help them get together and did my best friend job of making sure he had a ring when he proposed, etc. But this is about me..so...back to me...I asked for a blessing when I first realized I was going to need to deal with my abuse...and he was wonderful. I went back to him and asked for another...this time I was concerned about being able to forgive myself and accepting that there was no sin on my part involved with my abuse. (Now..I am not one of those that thinks you need a blessing for every little thing...and one of the best pieces of advice my other dear friend gave me once was to prepare to receive priesthood blessings. To pray and ask God to help you 'hear' what he wants to tell you and what he wants you to know. I feel this advice has been a huge help for me in becoming more receptive to the Spirit and receiving more inspiration and support from my Heavenly Father). He choked up as soon as he started, the Spirit was very strong in the room.

There are several things I will always remember about that blessing. One that will always stand out is when he blessed me to 'believe in Christ and to BELIEVE CHRIST'. I have pondered this phrase ever since. I have repeated it to myself when my negative monologue starts telling me I am no good. I have thought about the difference between believing in something and believing something. If I 'believe Christ' then I must believe the scriptures that talk about repentance and change. I must accept that I was not responsible for what happened and I am forgiven.  Pretty heavy concept to spring on someone that has been protecting and nurturing her guilt for 40+ years. I can't say that I have it down yet...but I can say that I don't have that negative feeling in the pit of my stomach nearly as much as before..and when I recognize it is there I can make it leave.

I love the quote on my home page by President James E. Faust (The Refiner's Fire)...."Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance...it is part of the purging toll exacted by some to become acquainted with God."

I have no idea if I am 'out' of the refiner's fire...or if any of us ever will be..I do think we get a break every now and then...and I try to relish those breaks and gather strength for the next trial. I still struggle with guilt...I was told in counseling I have convinced my head...but not my heart...I believe that is where I am now...but that is not where I will stay...

The words of the prophets are true. We can find peace. We can place our guilt and other sins and negativity at the feet of our Savior and He will give us 'rest'. We must give our sins to Him. We must give Him our sorrows. We must do our part to love Him. I keep thinking of Elder Hollands fabulous talk October 2012 (The First Great Commandment) when he bore his testimony of his desire to stand before God and tell Him he loves him. When we can do this we will truly know peace. We will all be able to 'stand tall and breathe'. This is my goal and I know it is possible...I will keep trying until it happens. 
My momma didn't raise no quitter :)