I was asked in counseling what my abuse did to me...good question...
Some days I feel that it affects every aspect of my life...other times I try and convince myself that it was no big deal...the longer I am in counseling...the harder it is to convince myself that it was no big deal...sigh...
I think it affected my ability to interact with boys as anything other than a friend. I think it gave me a fear of 'sexual energy' which would include flirting and any prospect of physical intimacy. Wow...it sure makes me wonder if my dating years would have been different if my childhood had been different.
It has given me HUGE control issues...I always thought it was strange that I could be so 'outgoing and fun' when I wanted to but if someone else was in control...I would crumble and go into a total panic. For example: my room mate threw a surprise party for me and I heard about it through a different room mate and it was all I could do to go home that night...I finally resigned myself to going...and when I got there...I smiled politely and stuck myself in the corner of the couch and basically hid from everyone...gotta say...probably didn't impress a lot of people that night. My roommate that threw the part was mad and finally said.."Fine, you REALLY don't like parties for you...I was trying to do something nice to help you feel loved...I won't do it again!" And my response was (which I didn't vocalize of course) "Yeah...PLEASE don't every throw me another party." But what is weird is I threw a party for her and I was 'stirring it all up' and having a great time. Serious control issues...
It affects how I dress. I remember wearing dresses all the time when I was little...and it was fine...then as I got older...I just didn't want to do it. When I was in 5th grade (back in the old days when Primary was during the week) I would have to wear a dress to school because I went to primary straight from school. One day I decided on a whim to wear a dress on another day. I think I had about 5 kids ask me if it was Thursday since I was wearing a dress. Yeah...that really added to my paranoia that everyone watches when I dress up...and not wanting to dress up because I was not comfortable with the energy or attention.
I can't deal with sexual attraction or sexual energy...like at all...When I was on my mission (South America) I was in the market one day with my companion...I always had companions about half my height. A man from Spain (lisp accent and all) started talking to me and began to ask if we could meet. I remember asking where he lived and realized he was in the Elder's area (whew...good thing...he was making me very nervous) he responded, "Quiero Charlar con VOS" (I want to talk with YOU) in a very seductive manner..I, of course, did not have the skills to deal with it...and began to turn red and tell him I would be happy to give his address to the Elders...to make a long story short...he continued to say he wanted to talk with me...and my face just kept getting redder and redder...I remember feeling that the whole market place was looking and laughing at me...not a fun experience...I definitely have issues with sexual energy.
It affected my choice in spouse. I remember when I was dating my X all my friends would say.."You both act so normal when you are together...you aren't trying to be someone different." I would finally realize that we were both 'normal' because he wasn't truly attracted to me (gay porn issue a little more than he is willing to admit) and I was comfortable because there was no 'sexual energy'. I didn't realize what I was missing for many years to come. Gotta say...that part of it kinda sucks...makes me want to play the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' game....I had no idea what I was missing out on...I had shut down my heart so long ago...I just couldn't feel it...
It affected my personality. I remember talking to another co worker one day and she mentioned that she was abused as a child also..she never married...I will say she dressed very nice...but she was kind of a 'tough gal' that no one wanted to make mad. This kind of thinking makes me wonder if people that are abused as children (something happens that is damaging to them and it is the result of the power of another person) are going to go to either one extreme or another.. They will either become a doormat...continue to have people abuse them...or they will be 'tough' and intimidate people so no one will ever control them again. Makes me want to be extra nice to all grouchy people :)
So...what is the point of this post? I feel I need to understand how my abuse affected me so I can change those 'by-products' and live my life free of my 'baggage'. Or at least live in a way that I choose...not what is dictated by all my negative personality hangups. Let's go for some of my positive personality hang ups :) I am trying harder to 'dress up' and 'feel pretty' and if someone compliments me...thank them kindly and not make some stupid remark that will 'negate' the compliment. I want to let go of my trust and control issues so I can truly function and be a positive influence within my family and society. I guess it always comes back to "I want to feel that I am a valued daughter of my Heavenly Father...that He loves and accepts me." I want to know that I can put my past behind me and have a better future...giving my abuse issues a place...but not letting those issues negatively impacting my life...trying to find a place that allows me to be 'better because I have risen above'.
My abuse has had too much power in my life...I am taking that power back!
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