The Good
I am active in the LDS church (yes...I am a mormon through and through) and I have never been angry with God. I have 5 incredible children that I love more than life itself. I have friends that will listen when I need to talk and care about me. I am able to work and provide for my children. More and more I am able to access my heart and my true feelings...I am able to feel more of my Savior's love. I live near a Temple and I am able to attend often. I feel the presence of my parents and others that have passed on. I feel their love and support for me, I know I am not alone. I see 'tender mercies' in my life every day as the Lord tries to communicate His love for me. My oldest daughter is almost old enough to go on a mission and is anxiously preparing, my next daughter is also talking of going on a mission. I am so proud of them both. I remember when I had the sister missionaries over to our house one time and she said, "You have no idea how nice it is to come to your home. Everyone in your home has a strong testimony and you can feel it when you come in." I have thought about that a lot. I am so blessed with the Spirits that my Heavenly Father has sent to me. They are incredible..and I can see them getting stronger as we travel down our path...believe me...there are a TON of bumps..but we are going in the right direction. My kids and I laugh about how at our house we don't try to hide our problems...there is some peace in that. Granted, I am not flaunting my issues...like I said...most people would have no idea the problems I am dealing with. But I am trying very hard to be upfront and open with what I am dealing with and what I perceive them to be dealing with. I am always praying for them and with them. I will say in my family prayer, "Help us to communicate the love we have for each other" and I think they are starting to get it...in between all the pain, there is love. I always tell them, you wouldn't feel so hurt and angry if you didn't care about each other.
The Bad
I can't remember how my abuse started. When things are too stressful for me to deal with my brain goes 'blank' and I can't remember what we are talking about.(This happens a lot in counseling...can't figure out if it is happening more than before or I am just becoming more aware). Sometimes I do wonder if my mind is ok...it has been trying to protect me and my heart for so long...it is like it has a mind of it own (ha ha).
I have serious control issues and counseling sometimes drives me crazy...I am a 'closet perfectionist' and I don't deal very well with things I am not good at..I am not good at counseling.
I seriously cannot keep my house clean. For whatever reason I just don't have the mental energy to get my kids to be responsible and clean up after themselves...I am not good at following up and being consistent.
The Ugly
My ex has not taken any responsibility for our divorce. He has tried to take some of the kids to live with him 3 different times. The kids are being separated and divided. They feel they can't love us both. the last mediator told him (us) that he wasn't going to divide our family any further. The kids told him they want to my oldest to get emancipated so they can live 'just them' and not have to deal with all the divorce issues. Ouch! Can't say I blame them...
All my kids need counseling but my ex won't give permission because he says that I use it to slander him (a little denial perhaps?). One of my daughters (I threatened my ex with charges if he wouldn't approve her to receive counseling so she is now in therapy) is suffering from depression in part because she has a chronic bone disease in her jaw..but more because of her relationship with her father. Her therapist asked if I could talk to my ex regarding how damaging what he says about me and how he treats her is to my daughter. I told the therapist if I could do that and he would listen...I would probably still be married.
My teenage son TOTALLY blames me for the divorce...he begged to live with his dad and when his dad lost his job..he moved closer and last fall my son moved in with his dad. My son has yelled at his siblings, "You hate me because I love dad!" Actually my other children were giving him space because he was such an emotional mess. My son has even gone as far as to tell me (in front of all the kids...sigh..)"Dad told you he had a problem with porn before you got married, he had problems later because you weren't keeping him satisfied." Yeah...that was a great weekend....all my friends tell me that he will come back...he just needs time. I was at the Temple one time doing sealings...and one of the brethren was talking to me while others looked for more priesthood holders to complete more sealings. We started talking and I told him a little bit. He smiled and said, "Mothers have a special bond with their children. Heavenly Father helped you pick your children, he will come back to you." I later found out he was in the original Temple presidency when our Temple opened. I see him all the time (he is a sealer) now and he always asks me how I am, looks me in the eye and lets me know he cares.He reminds me of my dad, I even had a sweet experience to reinforce it.
My ex has told my daughter that he doesn't want her to go on a mission because they she will turn out like me. He has told her he can't help her financially to go on a mission. Unfortunately for my ex, I think it is making her more determined to go on a mission.
Everyone keeps telling me that my kids will figure it out...I just need to be in the best possible place I can to be the best possible me and things will work out. This, of course, just adds pressure to my 'hurry and fix myself' issues...but I am trying to take it one day at a time.
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