If anyone were to ask me I would say "I hate dressing up!" In fact, I say that quite a bit. But to be truly honest I don't really hate it...I feel that I don't do it very well and there is a different energy when I feel really good about how I look and I am not always comfortable with it. Granted there were a few environmental issues growing up that added to the problem.
Without giving too much personal information...let's just say I wear a clothing size that is difficult to find. I remember as a kid going to the clothes shopping with my mom and leaning against the racks and saying..."There is nothing in this store that will fit me." My mother would try to keep a smile on her face (especially since she was tired from working all day and trying to make shopping an wonderful mother/daughter bonding experience and I was not helping). As I got into high school we did find a specialty shop that carried my size and I was able to get a few items that helped me to feel very classy and dressed up. So every now and then I would dress up and feel that people were looking at me in a positive way and I would feel good about it but I wouldn't want to do it all the time.
I don't think I attached the connection to my not wanting to dress up to my abuse. At least I didn't want to acknowledge it if I did. I just told myself I was a tomboy. I spend my high school years with lots of boys I felt comfortable around but there was never anything romantic...I was the 'friend that was a girl' and I would tell myself it was because I had grown up with a house full of boys and I knew how to be friends with boys and it was a good thing. I remember having friends that were boys all the years growing up. When I was in second grade I remember the teacher asking for volunteers that would be willing to put their desks together a boy next to a girl. I raised my hand because I never had the 'boys are icky' stage and ended up sitting next to a really nice boy. I had another (boy) friend that showed me how to play marbles and I would go to his house to play marbles after school. Another boy was my friend on the 'bars' on the playground. I think it is interesting that I had all these healthy relationships with boys my age...but my abuser was my age too and the relationship was obviously entirely different. I know the abuser and I were in the same class at school for at least 3rd grade (we lived next door to each other from Kindergarten to 4th grade)...but I only have one memory of him at school...and I remember one time walking home together. That is what I remember now...anyway...
So I went through most of my life always wishing I could wear pants and a t shirt except when I went to church and I knew I had to wear a dress. When I decided to go on a mission many of my friend teased me and would ask, "You know you will have to wear a dress everyday, right?" I was almost kind of weird about it, I would wear tube socks (athletic socks that come to your knee) with my dress boots...thinking my skirt would cover them so it didn't matter. Any way I could 'look dressed up' and not be I did. On my mission I would wear sweatpants under my dresses..it was so cold in the evening walking home I would pull them down to keep my legs warm - they were black :) Even wearing nylons made me feel very different and looking back now I think I just wasn't comfortable with the energy. Because I rarely dressed up when I did dress up...people made comments and said nice things and sometimes I was in the mood to hear it and sometimes I wasn't.
One of the things my ex would say was, "I am glad you don't dress up, I hate girls that make a big fuss about wearing makeup and getting all fancy." My initial response was...AWESOME I don't have to dress up...but I think later it added to my self esteem issues...let's face it...when women dress up they feel better about themselves...people compliment them and it puts a smile on their face.
Several years ago I started thinking differently. I think as I was beginning to put together the significance that my ex had a gay porn problem and also was 'hyper vigilant' about anything that would even appear gay. My kids picked up on it but I don't know if they ever put 2 and 2 together..My son (who is very comfortable wearing pink or whatever)...would say things like..."I really like those purple shoes...but I know dad won't like them, he'll say they look "gay"...I think my ex has a desire to be homosexual but feels it is wrong and I have always had the thought in the back of my brain that part of his attraction to me is because I am taller than him and I am not as feminine as most girls. Don't get me wrong...I know how to act feminine...I am just not always comfortable doing it...there is a self-awareness when I feel good about how I look that I need to 'better embrace'. But I am working on it....
I remember when we got married...my girl friends all kidded me about the fact that I would need to wear make up and curl my hair at my wedding reception. So I asked a friend to help me put on makeup and curl my hair. I remember after she worked so hard on me...I came out to go into the reception and my ex just looked at me and said, "You're ready...let's go." He told me later that he knew I had to wear makeup and he was afraid that anything he said would come out wrong. I, of course, told myself..."Wow...he really does accept me for myself...how wonderful." yeah...did you catch any sarcasm there? So many people told me how beautiful I was...I did feel beautiful. I was struggling with the attention...I felt everyone was looking at me (duh...it was my wedding) I was uncomfortable with that. My friend that 'fixed me up' has told me several times how many people commented to her how beautiful I looked.
After being married for awhile the thought began in the back of my mind that part of my issue was that I was not comfortable with feeling that I was 'attractive'. I think any form of 'sexual energy' is very uncomfortable to me...my guess is that it is connected to being so afraid of my abuser, especially that one time when he tried to have intercourse...my 'enhanced' version of what happened (my chest is pounding as I write this) and sensing his sexual desire...the way he moved his body...the look in his eye...totally freaked me out as a kid...it gave me the strength and adrenaline to push him away...which of course went instantly to 'remorse' for having told him no and I turned myself into a willing slave...man...is that screwed up or what?
So...here I am divorced...trying to feel good about myself...knowing if I dressed nicer I would feel different, people would look at me different, they would compliment me on how I look, I would act different...and I am wanting all these things...but some days not brave enough to do it. Then I get a second job (yes...I have 2 jobs right now and my ex is trying to get me to pay him child support since he is unemployed...sigh...) well...my second job is teaching college online. The university has a dress code and it was part of a discussion that I needed to review and correct. So there I sat, reading 40+ short essays on the importance of following the dress code and how the standard is not so much 'dressing up for others' as it is respecting the body God has given us. Treating your body in such a way that God knows you understand the amazing gift your body is. Dressing in a way that if you were to 'run into God in the street' He would know you are respecting and caring for His gift, you are grateful for it. This, of course, put a whole different spin on dressing up and yes...I am gradually making changes to my wardrobe and the way I dress. My two teenage girls are being incredibly supportive...one daughter mentioned to me in church that it wasn't fair if I was 'cuter than her' at church and then gave me a wonderful smile :) My girls are very excited that I have bought some 'cool boots' that they can also wear and they are even pondering wanting to borrow some of my other things. My sons have also noticed...my older son has begun teasing me that 'men are checking you out!' I am still not totally comfortable with it...but day by day I am trying to show respect for the gift I have received from my Heavenly Father and dress in a way that my children can be proud of me. My mother used to say..."My mother always told me children deserve a mother that looks nice." In the past I would interpret that to mean as long as I had showered and combed my hair and there were no stains on my clothes I was good...I am trying to 'kick it up a notch' and yes...it does make me feel better. I am still extremely self conscious about it...but I am adjusting. It is a different feeling now when I dress up...I think that is because I am not doing it for the attention or approval of others...I am doing it because I want God to know I am grateful for what He has given me. I am getting compliments from men at church (one even made a point of saying he liked what I had worn the week before). I am trying to accept their compliments with a smile and not make some negative/sarcastic response..some days I am better than others.
So...dressing up...what do I think now? I think that when I feel I am dressed in a way that shows my respect for my body I give off a different energy, a glow that people can see. I have seen it in others...the tomboy that shows up somewhere in a dress and everyone 'oohs and aahs'. I am trying to learn the difference between 'warm sincere compliments' and 'sexual energy'. I am getting much better at receiving compliments (I don't always respond now with a put down that negates the compliment) but sexual energy scares me even more since I have dug up all my abuse issues and I am trying to deal with them. I am going to go with the assumption that I will get better about this. I will say it gives me no desire to find a boyfriend and get re-married. Although my kids keep telling me I should find a man...I think they are hoping for some rich guy...in their dreams :) And maybe mine....
Friday 3/8/2013
I have bought some new clothes...I am starting to feel better about myself...I am having people comment and I am feeling ok about it. It is weird...I feel so different about dressing up than before...when I would dress up before I felt that everyone was looking at me and that I had to really watch what I was doing...that it was kind of a 'facade' and it wasn't truly representing me...
This time it is different...I feel like I am just becoming me. I joked with my daughter..."I think I want to dress and act like a woman" She joked back with a smile, "Better late than never" Gosh I love my kids! It just feels so different...I just want to be a woman...feel like a woman...and dress so I feel good...not in a show offy kind of way...just feel good. Very new feeling for me...
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