Enhanced Memories

I had always told myself that I could have stopped my abuse. I told myself that I must have enjoyed it if I didn't stop it. I was abused by a boy next store that was my same age. I remember his mother would send him over to check on me after school before my older brothers came home from school. I was the youngest in my family, the only girl, and both of my parents worked. He also abused me while playing in the backyard and at his house. I always felt horrendous guilt that I was never good enough or 'clean enough' and that no one knew or understood my situation, therefore any compliments or criticisms were not valid since no one knew the whole story.
I have tried to remember how it started. I only remember many incidences over several years. I had convinced myself it didn't hurt and since it started before I was 8 years old I wasn't accountable. The fact that it continued beyond that point...that was a good guilt trip...when I wanted to convince myself I wasn't worthy of something.
I looked at pictures of myself from school wondering if I would be able to tell by my eyes when the abuse started...I looked at my kindergarten picture and I look so innocent...as I looked at the grades after that...that innocence I see is gone. I don't know for sure at this point..but I would guess it started around age 6 possibly age 7. The memories I have are in second and third grade...possibly fourth grade...then my family moved and it was no longer happening.
After I realized I had to 'deal' with my abuse because it was so damaging to me (about 7 months ago)..I had kind of a crazy weekend. I was reading the book Courage to Heal. I was relieved to read that other women that were recovering from childhood sexual abuse had many of the same feelings I did. I read about other women feeling guilty because their bodies reacted to the abuse in a 'natural way' (responding) so that they felt guilt thinking they must have enjoyed it. I had told myself that time and time and time again. It was so calming to realize that I was not 'messed up' to think that way. I also read about a girl abused by her little brother...she had always told herself that she could have stopped it, therefore it was not abuse and it was her fault for not stopping it. I also had this concern since the boy was smaller than me. I did push him away one time when he tried to actually have intercourse but I then turned into a 'passive zombie' and allowed him to do whatever he wanted for an hour or so...I told him he could do anything he wanted as long as he didn't make me have intercourse..so I didn't have to have intercourse...there was something about the change in his face and demeanor that terrified me. I remember when his penis touched my thigh and I just 'freaked'. I couldn't do it. Sometimes I think it is amazing that I was able to ever get married and have 5 children.
So...here I am reading this book(about 7 months ago)...hiding in my bathroom (it is hard to find a private place to read when you have a house full of kids) wondering about my abuse and what it all means. First I need to tell you that I believe in muscle memory (I took a massage class before I got married...I'll have to talk about that another time). So...sitting in the bathroom pondering my life...and all of the sudden I remembered how a specific incident I just mentioned felt. I went from remembering the incident as...I just let him touch my private parts and and put his finger inside me..no big deal...to...feeling pain and throbbing in my private area and remembering excruciating pain and holding back tears. I remember looking at the shelf terrified of what he was going to take off the shelf  (we were in my garage) and put inside me, the pressure as he put things in me, some things he would put in the freezer to make them cold and cause a bigger red mark, he would put sharp things between the folds of my skin and have me press my legs together and see how big a mark it would make, he would make me walk around the garage holding things between the folds of my skin. He would use anything he could find, screws, small tools, sharp objects, whatever he could find and put them inside me. I remember trying not to react or let him know how much it hurt for fear he would be mad at me (How messed up is that?)
So here I am (still in the bathroom 7 months ago) crying, trying to figure out what to do with this enhanced memory of what happened to me. Telling myself there is NO WAY IN HELL that I could have ever wanted that or liked it. I realized that all my memories of my abuse were wrong and I had no point of reference to understand what I had felt or happened. I remember then feeling numb.  It was the weirdest thing. I think my brain just couldn't process it and it just shut down. My guess is it is similar to what happens in therapy when my counselor asks me questions that I subconsciously don't want to answer. I was getting ready for bed that night...still feeling so numb and scared since I had never felt that way before. I remember feeling that I understood now why people would want to cut themselves. People that are in so much emotional pain they feel nothing and want to feel something so the cut themselves to feel physical pain. I called a friend and she chatted with me for quite a while. I didn't do anything stupid and I was glad that my kids were with their dad that weekend.  I have never felt that 'low' since but I am also more aware of when my emotions start going down that trail and I will do something to stop it. Reading the scriptures helps. Get up and go do something with my kids, turn on the TV. There are many things I can do to divert my attention if I ever get those feelings again.
I did (and still do) struggle with trying to figure out how to honor my feelings and not go crazy...but it is possible. It just takes practice..So I keep practicing....I think one of the better pieces of advice from my counselor on this one was, "You can lovingly put your emotions in 'timeout' and come back later to deal with them when it is a better time." That helped me to feel I wasn't ignoring or 'dishonoring' the emotions but doing something so I could function at work or with my kids or whatever.
I sometimes worry I will get more memories, I am worried I will not be in a good place to 'process' them if they do come. Then I worry about what if I never know how my abuse began. You can probably tell...I worry a lot.
So...I want to know how it began...I want to understand what happened...I want to honor the child I was that was not protected...I don't really know how to do it...but I am saying my prayers...going to counseling...trying to learn how to better listen to the Holy Ghost when he is talking to me and most importantly I am still moving forward. Some days...that is the best I can do.