Counseling...I truly believe counseling makes a difference...but I gotta say...sometimes it helps me..sometimes it makes me crazy!
While I was married my ex and I went to a couple of different counselors...we lived in a rural area and the first counselor we went to (about 5 years ago) lived 2 hours away...he was LDS and we felt that was important so we would drive 2 hours...have dinner together...counseling..then 2 hours back. It was very stressful...one of my daughters told me later that she figured out we were going to counseling because my ex would talk about 'our date' with a look of disdain..neither one of us appeared happy about it and we went every week...(yes..this would be my highly intuitive daughter). We didn't really deal with addictions or anything deep at that point...just the fact that I was a teacher and was getting laid off...I felt it was an opportunity to find something better for our family... I wanted to move and try to get our family in a place that had more opportunities and my ex kept saying that where we lived was fine...there were no gangs in the schools and it didn't matter if our kids were among only a handful of LDS kids (I didn't realize at this point the depth of his fear of moving and changing careers...and the fact that it was so tightly related to his self esteem...which was so tightly influenced by his addictions)...I remember the counselor telling my ex..."Don't you think that if your goal is a better environment for your kids, the Lord will bless you and help you make it happen? My ex would make comments like, "There is nothing wrong with where we live." "I don't think she would want to stay home and take care of the kids even if she could!" The counselor would look at me and say, "No, I don't think she would be happy to stay at home, doesn't her happiness matter?"
Well...to make a long story short...the counselor 'totally got me from the first visit', all I had to basically say was that I had been to girls camp for 20 years and worked in the Stake YW program. The counselor was supportive of me and the desires I had to find a place that would better support our kids and their needs...we didn't go to him for very long. It was a financial strain to see him...exhausting physically (we would leave at 4pm to have time for dinner and appointment from 7pm to 8pm then 2 hours home then we both would have work in the morning) time away from kids, etc...and neither one of us had the emotional energy to keep going.
After awhile we tried another counselor...he was close by and was not LDS. He seemed eager to help and one task he gave us was to make a list of things the other could do for us to help us feel loved. His list was things like, make dinner for him, be intimate (I was slowly losing any desire I had to be intimate) spend time with him at night (he always would get mad at the kids if they were in our room), etc. I wrote things like...tell the kids you love them, hug the kids and tell them you are proud of them, etc. He responded...I thought this was about us...not about the kids? I didn't realize then how very 'male/female' that comment was..he didn't get how loving the kids IS loving me and I didn't get how my loving the kids made him feel left out. I was starting to make the connection to his addictions and my depression by this time. I asked the counselor if part of my problems and frustrations were related to his addictions. The counselor replied that "almost everyone does porn and it is not that big of a deal" I replied with, "Doesn't it make it hard for someone to understand the need for emotional connection and emotional giving when they have become accustom to getting sexual gratification without having the give first?" "Wouldn't it make it hard for him to understand why I don't just want to 'do it'?" I had not read much about pornography at this point...but from what I know now...this is depressingly true. I also had not dealt with my childhood sexual abuse. I had not understood the difference between intimacy and sex...but I was learning quickly on a subconscious level and I no longer had any interest in sex. One session I showed up and my ex had met with him separately and my ex proudly says, "We went over a list to decide if I have an addiction and I don't. I am able to maintain my job, I have not lost my family, it has not effected my life. I am fine, you are just depressed." We only saw this counselor a few more times then stopped. Since this time...my ex has lost his family, we lost our home (economic conditions) and last year he lost his job.
I finally knew I had to move.My ex would keep telling me 'next year', 'give me some time to find a new job'. Our oldest had started high school and are children are fairly close in age (5 kids in 8 years) and I knew I needed to move or I would be stuck. I did find out later that the bishopric and the Stake President (separately)sat down with my husband and told him over a year before I finally moved that he needed to do whatever was necessary to move. I wanted to move and he better get things in order to do it...because I was not going to be happy staying where we lived. He still would not move. My ex did say one day, "If you want a community for the kids like the one you grew up in, why don't you just move there?" What a fabulous idea! I would have people to care that I knew, more family, larger LDS population...so I did it. I told him I was moving and he was welcome to come if he wanted. To be honest, divorce never entered my mind. I actually thought that if we moved, he would come and then be glad he did. There had been times in our past that I wanted to do something and he was hesitant and then later he would tell me he was glad he did it. I figured this was the same thing...he would get a job and everything would be fine...it was a good thought...maybe a little selfish...but a good thought. I truly felt it was the best thing at the time for our kids.
Well...I was still depressed after the move and on medication. I started to see a LDS counselor and began to make some connections to behavior and began to identify which things I could change and which things I had to find a way to deal with. This was quite enlightening for me, being able to figure out what I could change. Realizing which feelings and emotions were connected to actions I could control and then doing something about it. I was thinking...counseling is a good thing...
We started marriage counseling again...wasn't very fun. I was frustrated that his addictions weren't coming up during the discussion. I finally asked the counselor how come? It just seemed to me that it was a HUGE part of all our problems...I didn't get why it wasn't being talked about. The counselor's response was, "He can't even see that it has been a problem...how do you expect him to see the part it has played in your marriage?" Then our counselor moved...she had been good, we talked about how we treated each other...what could we do to treat each other better...it was emotionally draining to go...but it was better than not going. I, at least, felt I was trying to do something to make our marriage better...
We started a new marriage counselor...a male (interesting that I have felt better connections to the male counselors...I wonder how that connects to my abuse issues...and growing up in a male dominated home...and not feeling comfortable around feminine women...not wanting to 'dress up and feel pretty'...hmmm have to think about that later) he had me call him and discuss how I was feeling...OH MY GOSH! for the first time I felt that all the frustrations and feelings that no one understood..he got! I remember crying and telling him...thank you for helping me not to feel crazy...he finally helped me to realize that I was not depressed...just situationally depressed. I remember him calling me and asking me what he could help my ex do that would help me give him more time to 'change'. I gave him a list of things like: hug the kids, tell the kids you love them, tell the kids you are proud of them, don't put me down in front of the kids, etc. The counselor later called and told me the response my ex gave him was, "She's been complaining about that stuff for years." Yeah...we got a divorce....
Personal Counseling
I have been seeing a counselor for over 2 years...same one...gotta say..."I" am sick of me sometimes I can only imagine how sick she is of seeing me...gotta hand it to her professionalism...always greets me with a smile. It takes a good strong person to smile at me every time I go to counseling...I certainly don't smile at her every time I see her.
Anyway...
I think I have used her a lot as a 'sounding board' and it amazed and sometimes sickened me how much weight I would put into what she said and what she thought. I have sometimes felt obsessed with thinking about my next session...what I needed to say...how she would respond..what she thinks of me...I guess my insecurities were showing just a little. This was all powered by a drive to 'get better' so I can be the mom my kids need, so I was also putting pressure on my self to 'fix it' so I can live like 'everyone else' because other people don't have problems, right?
So...I struggled through my divorce, my mother passes away, I offend the wives of my brothers and now they don't talk to me. My counselor would listen...I must confess...I sometimes gave her 'the hand' (you know..the old, 'talk to the hand' while your hand is kind of in their face) because I felt she needed to hear what "I" wanted to say. I would go through periods of 'relative calm' where I would go a month or two without talking to her...then something would happen and back I would be. At one point she told me that I was pretty much dealing with everything fairly well and she wondered why I would want to come back. (She did tell me later that she knew I had 'stuff' and felt I would come back when I was ready to deal with it) That was a strange sensation...thinking I was 'ok'. I was later talking to my dear friend and she made the comment, "did you not know what 'ok' felt like? It is probably not as good as you had hoped." Well..that lasted for a very short time...then there was more drama over my divorce...we finalized the divorce 6 months after I filed...but my ex keeps trying to get some of the kids to live with him and keeps taking me to court to fight for custody. In fact I have court again in 2 weeks for the same thing...he is really messing with my kids...well..he will be accountable for his actions.
So...last summer I am sitting in her office...I don't even remember what we were talking about and I remember she looked at me and said, "Wow...you have been hiding that REALLY well. You have never dealt with your abuse, have you?" I remember my brain just going into 'hyper drive' flying over the recent words I have said...searching...searching...what did I say? What does she know? What did I let slip? Then she tells me...it is up to you if you want to deal with it. "Deal with what?" I say..then remembering...oh yeah...she is talking about my childhood sexual abuse. So I go off into an emotional panic...
I called my counselor friend...(I have a friend that is a licensed counselor that is one of the most patient people I know - plus she cares about me and understands boundaries) ...I can't tell you how many times I have called her upset or frustrated. She will call me on her way home..often pulling over so I can finish talking (she lives in a rural area also and her phone service will cut out if she drives all the way home) She finally tells me.."Part of the reason you 'crumble' is because you haven't dealt with your abuse. When life is more than you can handle you revert emotionally to that little girl that was hurt, the little girl that couldn't deal with what happened to her. Granted you have a lot to deal with, your ex is a jerk and does stupid things that can make you mad, etc....but it shouldn't make you 'crumble'. If you want to get past it you will need to 'heal'. Then you can 'stand tall and breathe'." That has become my goal. I want to heal. I want to stand tall and breathe.
So...back to counseling I went...
I am not very good at it. I have so much information, so many thoughts that go through my brain I feel like I need to tell my counselor all of it...but if I do that there won't be any time to do anything...I'll just sit and talk...then I get frustrated that 'I didn't make any progress'. Progress?...What is progress while participating in counseling? Good question...I wish I had a better answer...
I went through a horrible period when I was accepting the fact that the memory I had been telling myself about my abuse was wrong. What I was choosing to remember was not what had happened. I had all these emotions that were so strong I had no idea what to do with them. I would start getting stomach cramps sometimes up to 2 days before a counseling appointment. I would get pain in my chest the night before. I would not be able to eat on the day of a session...I think I felt that I had pushed so many emotions into a box (as a child - since I did not have the ability to deal with them) for so long (let's just say I am older than 45) that I had not ever truly felt strong sincere emotions since I was a child. So now I was getting all these emotions and I didn't know what to do with them...I figured my counselor needed to see them so she could see what I was dealing with and better help me..So I would pace, fidget, drum my fingers, wiggle my foot, glare at her, etc (yeah...like that was helpful). My counselor told me I was 'wallowing in it'. Kind of a weird conversation...I felt that I was showing her my true feelings....my counselor friend mentioned that if my counselor saw me emotionally out of control...she would spend the whole time trying to get me 'in control' and not spend any time working with my problems. That helped me to 'rein myself in'. That was kind of an ugly time...once again...amazed that my counselor could greet me with a smile after a few of those sessions.
So here is what I have learned about myself in counseling...
Apparently I have a TON of control issues...and I can't trust anyone completely. My counselor friend has asked me..."What does your counselor need to do so you will trust her completely? If you can't trust her and let her do her job...she can't help you." Well...that is just one heck of a frustrating question I don't know the answer to...I want to heal...I want her to help me...but I don't seem to be able to 'let her in'. I used to get so frustrated with how much I worried about my relationship with her...till I finally realized that my relationship with her is a reflection of my relationship issues...so that if I want to improve I need to 'deal' with the issues and figure out how to make it better. I would get so angry at her and not even understand why. I would think...Fine! I won't go back! Yeah...like she is going to care if I don't come back...I am sure she has plenty of other clients. Then I would think...she doesn't care about me...because...yes...you can guess I am sure...I have boundary issues too. So..for those of you that don't know about boundaries...there is a line between being a counselor and being a friend. Which is difficult for me to understand because I 'share secrets with friends' and I am telling my counselor my secrets...so...why doesn't she act like a friend? yeah...I have a lot of issues...
During my last session my counselor asked me, "What power do you think I have over you?" Which I think was her way of gently asking...What the heck are you so afraid of that you can't relax and just talk to me? I told her, 'The power to tell me I am crazy......silence....Or not." It is hard to not feel crazy when your memory blocks you out...when I feel the need to 'curl up into a ball' before I want to go into a counseling session...when I lay awake at night and review over and over what I have said during a session and what is the meaning of everything she said...that I disconnected myself from my husband, we were both RM's and had a temple marriage (and an income source in today's economy - how can that be sane?) alienated myself from my brothers...lost my parents...what the heck am I doing with my life? Seriously? How can I not question my sanity?
So...lately I feel like I just go in there and tell her stuff and she sits there and doesn't respond or show any reaction or emotion on her face.(She is very good at boundaries) I, of course, interpret this as a negative response and disapproval. Which triggers my 'panic mode' of I am not doing it right...which triggers my hyper analyzing of counseling sessions...which goes back to my control issues...my friend tells me that I rarely ask a question I don't already know the answer to...so after thinking about that...my conclusion is...I tend to be very aware of emotions and responses of others. I think it is what I have done to compensate for not letting myself feel my heart (I closed it down pretty good during my abuse) I have learned to 'read' the crowd and know when things are going well and when things are not. I figure my counselor has figured this out...and by not giving me 'any response' she is forcing (ok..she would never force...encourage..whatever) me to actually verbalize my own feelings, not just respond to what is expected. I have felt like a blind person that just went deaf...there is no 'input' for me to process...so my brain just goes crazy trying to fill in what it is missing...needless to say..it is not working very well...So...I am going to work on trying to talk and 'open up' whatever that means...if I knew what it meant and how to do it..I would be doing it..just saying...
Oh yeah...the other fun part? When my counselor tries to talk to me about specific things I can do...for example when she says.."Let's sit down and think about some goals that you can work on." or "Tell me about the relationship you had with your father growing up." Sometimes I hear it and sometimes I don't. She says she will ask me things that I honestly don't remember her asking me...sometimes she has to ask me 2 or 3 times before it registers that she is asking me something. I keep telling her to 'call me' on it because I don't know I am doing it...the other day I tell her to 'call me' on it and she says, "I am calling you on it. I am calling you on it right now." You know the weird thing? I had no idea what she was talking about...so I asked her to repeat the question...yeah...and she wonders why I think I might be crazy...my mind has been working too hard and too long at trying to protect me that I have no idea what it is doing. Yet my counselor looks at me like I should know and I am avoiding it on purpose...
I keep reminding myself what a friend has said..."If healing was easy..the world would be a much saner place" I want to heal...it is hard...but I am not going to give up. Counseling is not for wimps..it is hard...but I am strong and will continue. I am constantly told that each person's path to healing is different and I can't compare myself to others.
I want to heal...for my children but mostly for me. The funny thing? I am holding down 2 jobs I am active in my ward, to some extent I am the 'go to' person when someone needs help with filling in for something...no one would believe what I am writing if they saw me on the street...so I mean it when I say, "You might know me" we never know the struggles others are dealing with...
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