Powerful Women and the Addict

I think it is funny that my 'ex' would say things that made me feel he was 'intimidated' by me and the things I would do. He had no idea the power and control he had over me...especially because of my abuse...I was not very good at saying no. (ok...I am sure I was a pretty good 'passive agressive' but he had a very different perception of our relationship than I did). He had a very difficult time with change and I had this burning inner drive to 'do things'. I think back and realize these moments of 'I just gotta do it' were the Spirit touching my heart to help me become more independent and to defend myself. The biggest issue was my returning to college. I dropped out of college before I went on my mission...mainly because my father wanted me to go to college...I was afraid I would fail...and therefore...I flunked most of my classes and got a job that I felt was 'so much better for me'. Anyway...I went to school 15 years later while maintaining a family daycare and had a houseful of my own kids under the age of 8.  I even had a baby during my 'college years'. This was EXTREMELY threatening to him. I even showed him time and time again...my patriarchal blessing tells me several times to get a good education...that my help will be needed to support my family. I explained to him that we were a 'team' and that he was helping me..then I would help him (if he wanted to go to college). He did end up finishing his degree right as we separated.

Anyway...I remember after I was successful at school...he would start making comments like, "I don't have Stake callings like your mom (I was in the Stake YW presidency)." or "How come you always get everything you want.?" 'I'm not a brainiac like your mom." and I remember my mother telling me, "Honey, you can't fix his self esteem." I remember thinking he didn't want me to succeed. It seemed that if I was successful...that meant he was a failure. What kind of partnership requires one to fail for the other to feel successful?

I had many 'high profile callings' at church...partly because we lived in a rural area and members were few...he took this as an insult to him. How come 'I' was getting all these callings? I was just doing what I was asked. People would tell him and me that they couldn't believe that I was going to school and taking care of kids and making the National Dean's List (for part of that time I was the YW president in my ward)...I would always tell them it was because my X was supporting me. He was very good at coming home from work and making dinner while I studied, or went out the door to go to class. He would take the kids to the park for the afternoon so I could finish a paper. He would do so many things that seemed supportive...then it seemed that he would change and be mad that I was successful. I had many friends tell me that he seemed to not want me to be so successful. I asked my X one time what he wanted me to do...do you want me to ask to be released?  Should I tell them no?  He would never answer....

Before I moved...I was trying very hard to help my bishop understand what I felt was going on in our marriage. I remember telling him that I thought my X was 'intimidated' by me and he responded, "Why would anyone shy away from something that is strong? Christ is strong and we all want to be like Him?" But I just felt he would have been much happier with a 'barefoot and pregnant' kind of wife that didn't want to do anything. So...moving on to my 2 daughters.

My daughters are simply amazing. They are strong and intelligent and 'alive'. I am so proud of who they are...yet they feel that their father rejects them. My oldest daughter is almost ready to go on a mission (President Monson's talk regarding new mission age)...her father has made comments that imply, "Don't go on a mission or you will end up like your mother." Her little brother told her...you need to finish school and get married...that is what the prophet says to do. Now seriously, a little boy is going to come up with that?  REALLY?  I have joked with a friend that my daughter is probably going on a mission partly BECAUSE her dad doesn't want her to.  But he did finally tell her that he was ok with it...but doesn't want to help her financially...he is too busy trying to keep my teenage son happy and promising him a car. 

What is the problem with being a strong woman?  My teenage son (very close to his dad) has also said...the girls going on missions are competing with the guys...it's a guy thing to go on a mission...it is too hard for guys to keep up if the girls do everything the guys do...wow...that's sad!

What a shame that pornography is so rampant and it is causing men to want to 'keep women down' and aren't feeling the drive to 'rise up together' and becoming an incredible couple that strives to be obedient to the Lord's commands...I guess that is only 'one' of the many, many, many reasons that pornography and other addictions destroy families...and that is what Satan is trying to do...one family at a time.

We need to help our children become powerful and strong...and be supportive to each other...to follow the example of Our Savior and truly want what is best for those around us.

Tuesday 3/12/13
You know...I have been thinking about this...I used to be so strong...and I am finally starting to feel it come back...I hope it does come back...I think it will...I was at RS meeting tonight...we had a big 3 ward combined meeting...they asked me to say the closing prayer...no big deal.

We had a LDS author speak..so I tried to thank the Lord for the good that she shared and remember how much we help and support each other. When I finished I made eye contact with the speaker and she looked at me and said..."That was a wonderful prayer". The cool part of it...I felt that I truly spoke from my heart...a few months ago I would have been concerned about if I 'said the right things' or if I 'sounded ok' and tonight...I was just glad I had a chance to talk to my Father in Heaven and ask Him to help us stay strong as women...and that was it..no little 'running monologue' to put me down or make me stress out or add anxiety to my day...now THAT was nice.  So...maybe I am getting stronger...I moved about 3 years ago...I am thinking this summer I should go back and visit my old friends and see how that feels...I wonder if they will see a difference...I don't want to 'show off' but just be grateful for the help and love I have received from my Heavenly Father...and I want to share it...I don't know if that makes any sense or not...

Sigh...sometimes healing sucks...just saying...