His Porn Addiction

When I was dating my ex I knew he was struggling with something and wasn't participating in the sacrament and couldn't go to the Temple. I figured if he wanted me to know...he'd tell me. (ah...isn't love blind?)
One night before he took me home we started talking and he told me that he had some issues but wanted to have them taken care of before we became serious in our relationship. He said that a co worker had invited him over and started to give him a back massage and he 'reacted' and realized what was going on and left. He said that as a result he became addicted to gay porn but he was not 'gay' and it was taken care of and now he can go to the Temple and everything is ok.
My response?  At first I was impressed that he told me...I really knew nothing about porn (this was over 20 years ago...they didn't really talk about it at church back then...not like they do now) and figured if he had taken care of it and was worthy to go to the Temple...who was I to question it? yeah...kind of naive, don't you think?  Or was it just blind to the reality of the problem...part of me just wanted to get married...I'll admit it.
After a year or so of our marriage he told me that he was having problems again but 'it had nothing to do with me' I believed him and I wanted to trust him. He told me he was talking to the bishop and he had it under control.
A year or so after that he suggested we move the computer into our bedroom. He was working shift work by then and we had babies so I would be asleep in the bedroom and he would be up late on the computer by himself. He mentioned magazines, men's health magazines...I remember seeing some on his side of the bed on the floor...I threw them out. I never said anything to him and he never asked about it.  Yeah...we didn't communicate very good. I guess I was in denial.
About then life got crazy...lots of kids...I returned to school...every now and then he would mention he was struggling but would always follow up with..."I'm talking to the bishop and taking care of it. It has nothing to do with you." I would believe him and go merrily on my way...
After I returned to college it seemed to drive a deep wedge between us...he started making comments like..."I'm not smart like your mom" or "I don't have stake callings like your mom" I couldn't understand why his self esteem was so low...I didn't understand how to help him. I would just try to be supportive of him and do the best I could. I was soon taking anti-depressants.. I was losing any interest I had in intimacy (which wasn't a whole lot after awhile). It seemed that he had no interest in the 'romantic' aspect. He would say, "Why do we need to kiss?" "We don't need all that romantic stuff" "Women come up with all these romance novel ideas..no man can live up to them" Interesting he would complain about my fantasy...when he was the one with the fantasy issues. He just didn't seem to care if I was happy or not about what was happening in the bedroom. Then I was beginning to feel 'used' and then I was starting to think more about my abuse...starting to feel that there was no 'intimacy' just sex...and I was not interested.
I was starting to wonder if his porn addictions were part of the problem (see my post on counseling) I am kind of slow sometimes...I was listening to the talk by Richard G Scott (To Acquire Spiritual Guidance October 2009) he said, "How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?" As his words sunk in...I began to cry and realized that was what my problem was. I tried to tell our marriage counselor and no one seemed to get it...I tried to tell my bishop and he didn't seem to get it. I called my counselor friend...told her how I was feeling and what I thought was going on...about 10 minutes into the conversation...'she nailed it' and explained to me the horrible cycle of addictions, especially sexual addictions.
After that my ex became very angry and felt that I was blaming all my problems on him. I will say that I brought more baggage than I realized with my abuse...but I was not actively participating in any inappropriate behaviors since my abuse as a child. He continued to deny that his addictions and tell me he wasn't doing it any more.  (he didn't even want to admit his addictions affected me or him). One time he said, "I can't help it...when I have a problem I go to my bishop to talk about it...it is not my fault...it has nothing to do with you." Well..he was certainly wrong about that.
I remember talking to his brother (I felt one person in his family needed to know my story) and he said that if his wife found out about him watching/looking at porn she would kick him out of the house. That kind of made me angry...like it was my fault that he had the problem..."I" needed to take care of it for him. On the other hand...I never saw my ex looking at anything...so it was brave of him to at least tell me.
I did try to put a filter on the computer...I told him I wanted to have the password (He had always been the one with the passwords - he is a computer whiz) and on a whim I made the password 'divorce'. Months later he told me that he knew I wanted a divorce because that was the password on the computer program. I asked him how he knew that...he responded, "I know a lot more about computers than you do". Yeah...How is that working for you?...not a very Christian like response...but it was honest.
My bishop and I tried to have an 'intervention' with my ex...didn't go very good...he just didn't want to accept that his problem had horrible affects on me. Shortly before we divorced...I think I had told him I wanted a divorce but he kept talking me out of it. He told me, "I have never cheated on you...with a man or a woman...well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count!"
I was done being a door mat....
I have read that there seems to be two groups of addicts...one group will deny or at least not be totally honest with what he/she is actually doing...never heal.
The second group will be honest with what they are doing...confess when participating in the behavior and sincerely apologize...they heal.
My ex was in the first group.  I remember he called me the day before our divorce was final and asked me if he would quit his job (he didn't want to leave his job so he lived 3 hours away) and move back with me would I take him back. NO! I didn't want him back with a job...why would I want him unemployed.
I have since found out that he has been telling my children for years that I have mental problems and can't process the depth of the gospel...there are principles I don't understand. He told them that I am violating the power of the Atonement because I won't forgive him. When my daughters told me he said this to them...I replied...if I couldn't forgive him...I wouldn't have married him...or stayed married to him for 18 years.
Agency...it causes pain...but it is necessary. sigh....