Emotions
I always felt I was a fairly 'tough' girl. I grew up in a house full of boys...I was strong...I could build fires, etc. I would cry...but not excessively. My mother used to cry quite a bit. I remember my father telling my brothers "Be nice to your mother...she is going through the change." My brothers said she had been going through the change for over 10 years. My aunt used to say that my mother's bladder was in her head...I never wanted to be that way...
While I was trying to deal with my depression and try and figure out what was going on I think I started to cry more often. Bearing my testimony became a 'tearful' event. My kids will say that I am getting better at 'talking while crying' and I don't sniffle in the microphone...I just breathe for a moment until I can get it together. There was a period that I felt there was no reason to put on makeup...I'd just cry it off...
When I was asked to teach Gospel Doctrine I would often cry as I bore my testimony at the end of my lesson...I remember getting home from church...and my X came home later in a second car...He walks in the house and says grinning.."Well..Mom was 'bawling' again in Sunday School today" and the kids would laugh...one of my friends was telling me the problem was I was getting closer and closer to my feelings while he was getting farther and farther...anytime I was feeling emotional it made him feel guilty. And then the sarcastic and rude remarks would start....sad...
My kids will say I don't cry like I used to...I guess that is good? I do get concerned with my girls because they think that they can't cry...they think people will laugh at them and make fun of them. They think crying is a sign of weakness...they get frustrated with themselves when they cry. I think that is a terrible thing...because being able to feel emotions both good and bad is what makes life worth living.
Romance
My X was good about sending flowers for the major holidays, he understood that was expected of a good husband and so he did it. He used to kid me about emotions...telling me that he was one of those guys that wasn't very sensitive and if I wanted him to know something I would have to tell him. He wouldn't be able to 'pick up on it' by my moods. The longer I was married to him..the more I began to feel that he was 'checking the boxes'. I felt that he knew what was the expected behavior and so that is what he would do.
I was amazed that my daughters caught on to this. I remember my daughter crying one day...telling me.."How come I feel like dad does stuff because he thinks he is supposed to..not because he wants to? How come he is always saying..this is what you should do...this is appropriate..blah blah blah. I finally took time to explain to her that he isn't able to 'trust his feelings' and so he has learned over the years what is appropriate behavior...and so 'yes' he checks the boxes and then feels that he is doing the right thing.
I had never kissed anyone before I met my X. (Ok...there was a kiss or two here or there...but that was it) and so of course..after getting married...I wanted to have fun 'making out' starting with the 'fun stuff' (kissing, necking, etc.) Within months..he had no interest at all in kissing. He would keep saying..."Why do we need to do that when we can have sex?" Sometimes I would try to 'be romantic' and 'loving' and he would just lay there...for long periods of time not reacting. One time I asked him why he wasn't responding and didn't seem interested...His response, "I wanted to see how long you would do it."
I began to feel that he didn't 'like me', he didn't accept so many parts of my personality. The difficult part was that the parts I felt he didn't accept were the parts that I liked the most. I liked the fact that I could tell a story in a lesson and turn it into a testimony bearing opportunity. I liked the fact that I could go to camp and have a great time acting rowdy and making everyone smile..I feel this was a huge part of my depression. I remember him saying to me, "How can you think I don't love you? I married you, I share my paycheck with you, I help with the wash." He didn't comprehend the need I had to be 'loved and cherished' Because of my abusive past..the last thing I wanted was a sexual relationship with no emotional connection. He did not have the ability to make the emotional connection with me that he cared. This was in combination with my abuse issues...I think it is amazing we were married for 18 years...
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