The Abused Child Within Me

Ok...
So...I guess part of healing is getting in touch with the child part of me that was abused. I think the theory is that when severe trauma happens...a part of you stops growing...and then you end up an adult with an 'inner child' that is hurt and separated from you as an adult. And if I understand it all accurately...that is why when my abuse 'triggers' get triggered...I react as a child...I can't deal with things emotionally...I crumble...I panic and need to talk to someone that will 'validate' or 'solve my problem' or 'tell me I am not crazy'.  I mean...friends are awesome...but who wants to do that all the time...

I went to counseling yesterday and we talked about doing something to help me get 'unstuck' emotionally. I feel like the 'abuse baggage' is overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to just shove it in a corner of my mind...that is what I did as a child...and it really doesn't seem to be working anymore....so I have been just letting my emotions bounce all over during counseling...driving my counselor crazy...she keeps offering ideas for me to do...I just kind of 'blow them off' thinking she doesn't understand or care...it was becoming a vicious circle...and I was going nowhere fast.

I tried EMDR last fall (EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) EMDR Wikipedia link I was nervous at first...I mean hey...I have control issues...what makes you think I am going to let someone wave their fingers in front of my face in an effort to help me 'relax' and think about my problems.  But it wasn't as bad as I thought...actually kind of interesting...I was kind of surprised at the range of emotions and feelings I would get during the process. The oddest feeling was when I realized something (an event) that could dig up such strong emotions...was now no big deal...kind of refreshing I will admit. I think it was a big help in lowering my 'panic and stress' levels of my issues so I could talk about things and try to deal with my life.

Well...now my counselor is thinking I should try again...this time the other therapist would be in the room with me and my counselor...Yes...I am messed up enough to require 2 therapists...so I gave it a try...this therapist used these 'tapper' things...a small object that fits in your hand and vibrates. You hold a tapper in each hand and they alternate vibrating. The goal is to let both sides of your brain participate in the healing. They say the 'tappers' stimulate both sides of the brain simultaneously and this helps all of your brain to 'reprocess' the trauma. It is supposed to help with 'emotion overload' or 'cerebral thinking' where you are either all emotion..or devoid of emotion and all intellectual thinking (this is when I tell myself it was no big deal...just keep moving through life...who cares...I am ignoring how I truly feel about things). So...yesterday I tried the 'tappers'.  Gotta say...too much stimulation for me...I felt that my eyes were twitching when the tappers were 'buzzing' kind of like REM sleep.  That was weird enough that I didn't like it...she tried to turn the tappers down. (I have some serious touch issues) either that or both halves of my brain don't like to communicate...now that would kind of make sense. I finally ended up keeping my eyes open and holding the tappers about 3 inches up the cord so the vibrations were not as intense.

The goal was to create a box of some sort in my mind and put all the 'garbage' that I can't deal with in the box...and I guess go find it later if I decide to deal with it.  I had the 'box' and was trying to 'put stuff I didn't want' in it...but I just couldn't seem to visualize it. She was asking me what I 'could see' and I keep thinking of a wall...the wall that blocks the memories I can't/don't want to remember. I think I want to remember...but since I don't know what they are...I am understandably anxious about what those memories might be....so I kept coming up with a wall...

Then I could see the little girl that was me...I see her a lot in my thoughtsnow...I am told I need to 'heal her' so I can heal...but how do I do that? I feel that I have 'hurt her' twice...once when she was abused and I did not protect or help her...and again when I married a man that could not 'love' or make emotional connections. Guess I am kind of afraid of my 'third strike'. It always seems to me that she is too far away for me to get to her (read some of my poems) and I am not sure how to 'reach her'.

So...they suggested I write a letter to the little girl inside of me.  Gotta say...flashes of Sybil with Sally Fields hugging her 'inner self' as she was accepting her 'split personalities' are coming to mind. There is a part of me that thinks it is weird to 'talk or write a letter' to myself as a child.  But...I want to heal...so I have been pondering what that would mean...what would it look like...how would I feel doing it...how would I feel when it is done?

Now...I am thinking about what I could gain from a better understanding of my child self? And this is what is coming to me...It is very hard for me to 'find the center' that happy middle place between emotions and intellect. That place where you can feel...but emotions are supported by intelligence and wisdom. I tend to go from one to the other...Combined with this is the fact that I sense that I can't 'feel' the Spirit like I should. I think this is a result of my shutting down my heart so many years ago. So today on my way to work...I started thinking and realizing...The child within me can feel...the longing I have to better feel the Spirit is a longing for what I used to feel as a child. I think this is the reason my desire to 'get it back' is so strong...because I have felt it before. I know what it is and I know it exists. So perhaps the little girl inside of me is the emotional part of me, the sensitive part of me, the innocent 'child like faith' that can freely talk with God?  If this is the case...maybe I can figure out a way to 'meet her in the middle' and she can help me open up my heart and feel the emotions I long for and I can help her better handle the trauma that she had to experience?  Well...I am hoping this is how it is and it will work...I am going to think about what I want to say in the letter and I will probably work on it Sunday...it is fast Sunday and we have late church so I will have some time in the morning.  Wish me luck!

PS  I am making efforts to connect with the child within me...see my post Meeting the Little Girl Inside of Me