Was I invisible?

Ok...
I was doing EMDR stuff the other day and talking about issues with my brothers and she asked me how I was feeling when my mother died when my brothers and I had problems...and it kind of came around to me feeling 'invisible' because it was apparent that my desires were not a concern to anyone...sigh...it was nice to be able to 'label' what I was feeling...but it isn't a very good feeling...

Then I was talking to my counselor about not being comfortable yet with dressing nicer and feeling that I am drawing attention to myself. Talking about feeling that I am aware that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am worthy I am a definite 'presence'. People will look twice at me as I walk by...not in a 'wow you are hot' kind of way but...'who are you?  I sense something.' kind of way...I am not sure if I like it or not.

So...here I am pondering all these things and then it clicks...When I was being abused I felt that I could not say no or not participate...I was invisible...my opinion didn't matter...I was the person that tried to keep everyone happy...but my opinion was not very high on everyone else's priority list...that is why I am so self conscious...that is why I don't like drawing attention to myself..that is why when my mother died and I was in the middle of dealing with all of this I was not going to allow myself to be invisible...it is kind of weird when some of the balls I am juggling drop into place.

This is combined with being extremely sensitive to the emotions so I was always feeling guilty about everything...this person wants this...that person is sad...I should do something to cheer up this person..etc..
So I guess I came around to thinking that keeping others happy was more important than keeping me happy. Or if I wasn't keeping others happy I was miserable and feeling guilty...

As you can imagine...this reminded me of how long I have been going to therapy...let's just say it is more than a year or so :) and starting to wonder if I am crazy...

Then the counselor said something cool...she talked about how I was a good person that had a lot of stuff going on (boy is that the truth) and I was dealing with my stuff so I could better be in tune, so I could do and be what the Lord wanted. I really liked how that sounded...that is a lot better than thinking I am just crazy.

I talked about how I feel I have this wall between me and truly feeling the Spirit of the Lord. I wish I could 'blow it up' but I don't know how to do that either...

All and all I guess my counseling session today was better than it could have been. I was seeing a different counselor...my normal counselor had some family stuff and is gone for a few weeks...it was kind of fun in that this counselor doesn't know all my mind tricks...my disassociation (if she did notice she didn't say anything) I mentioned it a couple of times...but it was kind of fun to think that she didn't know how to read me as well as my normal counselor...a nice break.

Before I left...we were talking about the need to be strong in the last days...she said something that I am really trying to take to heart. She talked about the gathering armies for the last days...those that were gathering on both sides of the veil. She said she felt that I was getting my stuff taken care of so that I could better 'feel' so I could better follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost...and that I was being drawn to those armies because that is where I belong...it is a cool thought...