He can still 'trigger' my emotions...

Oh my gosh...I wake up this morning...frustrated about court yesterday...angry that my children don't have a dad that cares and find out he is sending info to my brother and his brother and mother trying to make them think I am not doing my part to support my son that lives with him...REALLY>?>??>!?!?!?!?!?

Need I remind him that I am working 2 jobs and he is doing nothing?

It would be so awesome if it back fired and his brother and mother told him to 'buck up and be a man' and support your kids....I am not sure how 'Christ like' that thought is...but for right now...it would be really AWESOME!

I am mad at myself that he can trigger all this emotional response from me...when he left court...he 'booked' it down the stairs..looking back at me a time or two..probably afraid I would throw something at him.

I really want to get my emotions under control so he can't have the power I have given him any more...it is reminding me of when I was first trying to deal with my 'abuse' and every time I had to interact with him I would just fall apart...I am so tired of doing that...

When I think about it I haven't 'fallen apart' for quite a while and considering all that has been happening...that is saying something. I wonder why I did this time?  Is part the fact that I want my daughter to go on a mission and not worry about finances? Or that "I" (control issues) want to be the one to help her? Is it because he is hurting me through my kids and using them?  I am thinking about the money...he has sent me 3 emails asking when he is going to get his 'support' and I feel that he just wants to feel that he has 'won' and I have to 'pay'. And as far as my daughter and her mission... I know it doesn't matter who helps her...I just want to do my part...but I guess there is some control issue stuff there too...no surprise I guess...

I mentioned in counseling my thoughts of 'can't win for losing' meaning ...if I get the kids to counseling...maybe they won't be so mad/hurt at my X...then they will want to see him...which means that they will spend more time with him...which means less time with me...and I could easily interpret that as rejection. So by encouraging counseling I am actually 'sending' the kids to spend more time with their dad...and to think that he doesn't think it is necessary...

Really? Here I sit worried about my kids having a great relationship with their dad and then...he is such a jerk...wow...I surprise myself...

I guess it keeps getting back to...I want to do the right thing...I know the Lord is aware of me and my children..He knows what we need...if I am doing my part...he will provide...