Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....