Is there a shift? I am feeling different....I still have a wall...

Today is kind of weird...I can't quite figure out how I feel. I know that I am feeling more peace that I have felt for awhile. It is kind of nice really...I am working on being in a place where I can sit back and see what is happening. I don't want to 'react' to things...I want to 'act' I want to be able to see a situation and then feel what I should do...I want to follow the inspiration the Lord is sending me...it is fast Sunday...I think my ward is tired of me sharing my testimony...I feel that I do it too often...yet I know that I have something to share..something that stirs my soul..sigh...

I am still working on trying to 'feel and hear' the Holy Ghost. I still sense that I have a wall that prevents me from truly feeling and believing what the Lord wants me to know. I know my counselor asks 'why did you put the wall up?' or 'Do you still need the wall?' and I guess my first response is...'No, I don't need the wall.' but I still feel afraid to not have it and I am not exactly sure how to bring it down. Some days I seem to be able to feel it...walk along it...run my hand over it...it seems to be white with a little bit of soft pink color. It is high...reminds me of the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group that left society and sent the blind girl to get medicine from the 'towns'. I wonder what is on the other side...I like to think that I can imagine anything that could be there...hence, there should be no surprise...but then I get back to..I don't know what is there...

I was reading the book 'Visions of Glory' (as told to John Pontius) and he talks about his work with abused children. He talks about Christ's role in the healing of children that have been abused. "to go with them to those dark and evil places in their hearts and to retrieve them - snatch sometimes, or coax them, with the help of Christ - out of that darkness into the light. They experience a type of being born again. When an adult or child will submit to this process and allow me to act as Christ's agent in guiding them through this, they are healed of that abuse completely and permanently..." (page 64)  He talks of being able to see your self as Christ sees you. Maybe that is what my problem is...I am afraid to go all the way 'down' and therefore I cannot fully 'come out'?

I wonder if this means I need to truly understand and comprehend my abuse...I think I 'skirt around' it sometimes...not fully realizing what it is...not wanting to comprehend...trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad...I have asked my counselor why my abuse was 'so bad' and it becomes one of those conversations that turn into..."If I tell you it won't have the same significance as you finding out for yourself". I hate those kind of conversations....

Well...maybe this is something for me to ponder today as I fast...and perhaps it is something that I can address in counseling this week...

Counseling is not for the weak minded...sigh....