Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...