What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...