I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.