What does it mean to 'connect emotionally'?

What is an emotional connection?

I sat and looked at what I just wrote and decided I had no idea what an emotional connection is...so I googled it..I like the response I found. (Here is the link - What is an emotional connection? ) It talks about being open and trusting...oh yeah...trust..I am so NOT good at that.

I have been pondering my feelings lately...I have to admit I have had deeper feelings than I have had for a long time. I think it is nice. And yes...this is connected to my 'online guy'...sigh...

I have been thinking about my heart. Because of my abuse I 'shut down' a pretty good section of my heart and I didn't allow myself to feel so much of the good in the world. I have learned that your heart is an 'all or nothing' kind of thing. I do not have the ability to decide what I can feel...I can either feel practically nothing...or everything...ok..I can probably work up to 'everything' and I know I am making progress but I am not there yet. But the point is that I know I can't 'selectively choose' what I can feel. So...opposition in all things 2 Nephi 2:11 so if I want to 'feel' the good, I need to 'feel' the bad...yeah...like I want to do that...I do wonder if I will have more abuse memories come back as I 'open my heart'...but I don't dwell on that.


Back to my feelings...

First...in my current 'almost relationship' at first it was fun to think that there was someone that wanted to get to know me...and when we started chatting instead of email messaging through the online site things moved a heck of a lot faster. Once we started talking about sex (mainly because I was so paranoid about all my issues and concerned about being 'present' if I was ever intimate again) feelings started getting stirred up.  At first it was just 'hormonal teenager stuff' but then...the more he would listen to me...talk to me...ask about me...heck...he has even read most of my blog...I know he has because he would ask me questions about different things I had posted. The feelings began to get deeper...and I have to say...I like how they felt.

I had issues at first thinking I had my 'mind in the gutter' and if my kids were thinking the things I was thinking I would want to march them down to the bishop's office. But I realized I needed to 'process' at some level the concept of intimacy. I finally realized that I was not thinking about 'sex' to get aroused and feel that 'high' some people get...but I was wanting to feel and express 'intimacy and love' to someone I feel cares about me.

I realize that because of my X's issues...this was the biggest part of what was missing in my previous marriage. And I think the 'emotional connection' is the basis for allowing 'intimacy and love' to grow. I keep thinking about what my counselor friend said..."So what you are saying is that he 'hears you' in a way that you have not experienced before?" and yeah...I guess that is it.

I had some friends over last night to watch a movie...we watched, 'Freedom Writers' and it got me thinking quite a bit about 'being heard'. As I was watching the characters 'change' as they realized their teacher cared about them...I thought about myself...how important it was for me to 'be heard' and as I was getting all 'caught up' in how influential the teacher was in the movie...how wonderful it would be to make a difference in the lives of kids...then I thought about my own kids...how hard it has been for them to not have a father and mother in the same home that offer that structure and support...how independent I see them becoming (which isn't always a bad thing) and how they must 'long' to be heard as well.  As I sat there I could feel all these emotions stirring inside of me. I started feeling this love deeper than I have felt before...I began to pray, asking Heavenly Father what it means. Wondering if this means that the guy I am communicating with is someone that is going to truly be a part of my life? Wondering if all 'these emotions' I am feeling and then imagining how much more intense they would be if my 'guy' was actually here in person...and trying to decide if that is what I am working towards?

I do know that I am experiencing feelings that are new...and I like them (for the most part) and I am hoping I will have the opportunity to truly love someone and have that person love me just as much. I would hate to think that I have 'uncovered' all these emotions and stirred up all this desire to have someone to love and hold and share my life with then not have the opportunity. I was talking to a coworker yesterday...he changed jobs and I won't be working with him anymore...he asked how I was doing. He is an English teacher and I shared some poems with him to get his 'opinion' ( he did think I had some poems that should be published...which certainly made me feel good) so I knew he was asking 'more' than just 'how is your day?'

I told him about 'my guy' and he was so happy for me. He told me how exciting it was for me to (if nothing else) to truly experience a connection with someone at such an intimate level. He talked about how 'rare' it was to find someone that you could truly connect with and how wonderful it was for me after all the garbage I have been through...

So...I am thinking I am starting to understand at a profound level just what an 'emotional connection' is. I will say right now...if I marry again...it will be to someone that I am emotionally connected to...that is for darn sure!