What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

Friends...committed relationship...what's in between?

Ok...I am still dating movie dude...and I enjoy his company. He was very hurt by his first marriage many years ago and will barely talk about it. He did say that he doesn't ever want to hurt like that again and so he just 'nips things in the bud' before they can get serious. As a result, he tells me almost every time we go out..."Feel free to keep looking." or "I don't want to stop you from reaching your goal." or "I know you need a spiritual partner to go to the Temple with." or the best one..."I don't mind if you go out with other guys, I trust you." Sigh....

I have been thinking...there must be a purpose for him to be in my life. A reason that 'God put him in my way'...Anyone seen the movie The Four Feathers with Heath Ledger? I love a line from that movie, the main character is being helped by an unlikely friend and is asked why? The friend's response is, "God put you in my way!" I think about that a lot when I think about the men that have come into my life. I truly feel that 'God put them in my way' ...or as in the case of my 'Online Guy' maybe God put me in his way?

I think the purpose of movie dude is to help me understand what exists between a friendship with a man and a committed relationship. I don't have much experience in that area...and I am finding it refreshing. We enjoy each others company yet we are not limited to only interacting with each other. I know he isn't going out with anyone else right now...but it is interesting to think that it is an option. I am trying to process how this affects my emotional connection. Or if there is an emotional connection yet? I feel that I do not need to 'tell him everything' that I am doing. I am not 'obligated to confess' if I talk to another man. It is a very different experience. I do have to confess that I have a completely different perspective on the kids that 'dated around' when I was in high school and I am seeing the wisdom of that concept.

So I am looking forward to better understanding 'the in between' relationship. The ability to care about someone and not have it consume me. The ability to express affection without it meaning I am not 'shackled' to someone.Don't get me wrong, I would not feel this way if I was in a committed relationship, that is a different story. But I think it is a good place for me...a place for me to better understand my emotions and feelings.

Sigh...I am so not ready to get married....besides...if I wait another year and a half...I will have 3 kids over 18 and that will have a huge impact on the drama of my life...and I am thinking I need to start a marriage with as little drama as possible. I don't care how committed we are to each other...we need to be able to nurture the good...and have time to really bond and get to know each other. I think they call that...'Setting yourself up for Success!' That is what I want to do...I want my final relationship to succeed!

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?

So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

What is intimacy? What is making love? What is affection? And how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference?

Ok...I have no idea what I am feeling and it is making me crazy...ok...not crazy but I wish I better understood my emotions.

With my online guy we talked about intimacy and sex...mostly I was the one doing it...I needed to process what it 'could be' not what it was in my marriage. It became 'palatable' to me. At the time we were talking it all seemed to blur together...sex...intimacy...love...caring...listening...thinking of lying with someone sharing your inner most secrets while sharing your bodies and everything that is sacred between the two of you...it seemed such a wonderful fantasy. Granted you need to be married to do all that but I think you know what I mean. Both of you trying to please the other and feeling joy because the other is happy and feeling loved. It was a very different experience for me..yet I know it was also fantasy because we were not married and we were not even in the same town. sigh...

Then I went out with my 'make out' guy and tried to figure out what I was feeling when I was kissing, etc. I tried to figure out if I was 'sinning' and I needed to repent. I tried to figure out why there was no guilt. I wondered why I loved 'kissing and hugging' yet it was giving me no desire to have sex. It was not arousing feelings that I needed to control or stop. So does that make it bad? I wondered what I would think (ok..I didn't wonder very long) if my children were doing the same thing. But it just seems too different. I realize 'the law of chastity' applies to everyone..but there must be something about 'arousal'. If I am not 'arousing' feelings and desires to have sex it is bad? Is it because I was married for so long and would have sex and other serious intimate experiences and then get up the next morning and go to church? Therefore it was not the same thing as teenagers arousing feelings they have never experienced?

One night when I was with my 'make out' guy he was laying across my lap and I had my arms around him. We weren't doing anything wrong...and as I felt him relax I just felt this connection to him...realizing that intimacy was 'nice'. I know that might sound weird...but it is the only way I can think of to describe it. The other weird thing is that I can do it for hours...literally hours and not be aroused or desire to have sex. It just feels so nice to 'feel'. So maybe that is what it is...feeling...feeling that someone cares about me...feeling that someone wants to love me and make me happy. Feeling that connection to another human being. I asked him if it is different for him to be with me and he said yes. I asked him why and he talked about feeling that I cared about him without judging...that I wanted to 'please him' I ask him what he likes...what feels good...that I want him to be happy. It is sad that it is such a 'new' experience for him also. It makes me wonder how few 'stable' people are wandering the earth.

So then I go out with another guy...he does the very 'chaste' kiss at the end of our dates and a quick hug. It almost makes me feel like a slut because I think of all the things I would like to be doing with him. Then I start to wonder if I am a sex addict. He is telling me how respectful he is of women and I am wondering how it would feel to have his arms around me and kiss me deeply. Sigh...

To make it worse...then I want to go see my 'make out' guy. I have new insight to those girls that would date several different boys...but I am hoping it is different for me because I am not telling them I love them. I don't know if I am leading them on or not...I don't know where I am going so I don't see how I can be leading them anywhere...

Then I think back to when I got a dog...my counselor friend was telling me that it wasn't fair to the dog to have him be my 'emotional blanket' and then just stick him in a crate when I had other things to do. Is that what I am doing to my 'make out' guy? I have been honest...after our last date I told him that I obviously had some intimacy issues. I told him that all I wanted to do when I was with him was to make out...I just want to kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I can't think of anything else. The desire to 'do that' is so overwhelming I can't focus on anything else. So what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we just showing affection to each other? Are we just letting each other know that someone cares? We are keeping clothes on and not touching private parts of each others' bodies...so does that still make it wrong or are we just helping the other to be happy?

I think about why I don't sense or feel any 'red flags' and I wonder if part of my 'feeling broken' is also feeling violated. I feel like everything has been done to my body so what does it matter if something similar is done and I actually enjoy it?

My online guy tells me I need to 'grab life by the horns' and once I leave my past behind I will be able to commit and love someone. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I wonder if my 'making out' counts as 'grabbing life by the horns'?  What do you think?

I think I would be a fool to commit to someone right now. I need time to figure out my feelings and emotions. I need to be able to think and process how my body is reacting and what my heart needs. Sometimes I wonder how much I am enjoying it...and how much is just 'feeling' a strong sensation and I am drawn to the feeling because it is new?

So...yeah...I am still seeing my counselor...I would really like to figure all this stuff out...sigh...

Maybe I need to go 'make out' for a few hours to clear my head...ha ha ha...sigh...

Still surviving....my inner child is preparing for a mature relationship...

I am still dating this other man...not my online guy...he lives too far away...

He wants to make some type of commitment and I don't. I feel like I really need to explore my feelings and being in a committed relationship isn't going to let that happen. I guess part of it is that I feel that he likes me more than I like him. I have never felt that before. Not that I haven't ever had someone like me before that I wasn't attracted to...I guess I just really haven't ever had any type of emotional connection with a man before...well..not until last summer.

When I think about the man I am dating...I think about how 'on paper' we would be a good match. He has been to college and is taller than me...has a stable job...etc...But I think I want more than that this time. I want there to be some fire! I want there to be some passion and excitement. I want it to be real. I want to be able to disagree and feel that strong emotion and then be able to work it out and feel an even greater sense of love. I want to know that I can be myself and be angry and have crabby moods and I will still be loved. Don't get me wrong..that doesn't mean I will be that way on purpose...but I want to feel that I don't have to hide my emotions. I can be me and still be loved. I want a man that will stand beside me. I think dating is helping me to understand exactly what it should feel like.

I am going through some interesting periods..for awhile I felt that I 'needed' someone so bad. That I had to find the man for me and be with him and it would help me to lighten my load and I would be happier. I would not be alone. I don't feel that way now.

I feel that life with a righteous priesthood holder that cherishes and adores me is better than being alone. But I am also recognizing the impact that 'bringing a man home' would have on my children. Maybe it is important for now for me to just be open to the idea? Maybe I just need to be 'willing' to be in a relationship?

I remember being on a date and we were standing in line to get something to eat. He put his arm around me...and it was the strangest sensation. I felt my body relax and I leaned a little toward him. I suddenly realized how hard it has been for me to stand alone and on my own. I understood at a deeper level how incredible it would be to be able to share that burden. To allow someone into my life that would support me and be there for me, as I would be there for him. How that connection was something that never existed in my marriage. Granted, I am a lot older now and my feelings have changed as far as understanding what a relationship is...I look at other couples and see how 'connected' they are and it is like I can see the path it took them to get there...it is like they have been through some real struggles and come out on top. That is what makes a wonderful relationship. They are truly committed to each other and to their relationship.

I saw the movie "Enough Said" (2013) with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. One of my favorite lines as they are going back and forth trying to figure out if they have a relationship that works..she did some things that hurt him and he tells her..."You didn't protect us" it makes me think that a relationship is a living and breathing thing that must be fed...nourished...and protected.

I think it is something that I am gaining a greater desire for...and it is worth striving for...but I don't think I can commit myself to anything right now. And for now, that is ok :)

This time around I want the real deal...you know?

Opening My Heart Affects Everything.....

I am still communicating with my 'online guy' and wondering about it...I know, big surprise, huh?

I do think that I am developing more trust in him...and that is a marvelous thing. Does this mean I won't get hurt, no. But it does mean that I am willing to 'put my heart' out there and see what happens.

I will say that I am feeling myself change in a good way. I was sitting in church yesterday...I have been praying lately to be able to 'better hear' what the Lord is trying to tell me...ok, I'll be honest I've been praying about that for awhile...maybe months?  I guess it is a 'work in progress'...

Anyway...as I was sitting in church...I was just feeling how much I loved my kids and the speakers were all talking about the Trek...and I could see my 2 kids that were on the Trek really listening..and feeling the Spirit. As I sat there I was so grateful for the ability I had to be able to 'see outside myself' and be aware of what my kids were feeling.

I was talking to 'my guy' and discussing how things were 'different' and he made the comment that no one had ever listened to me before...I told him that I had very good friends that listen...and he smiled and said, 'I mean in a relationship.' Ok..I'll give him that one...my relationship experiences with men that would listen to me and could express their feelings about me to me...yeah...that kind of hasn't happened yet.  The key to this thought is 'yet'.

I remember when I first started thinking I needed to 'look for a man' one of the thoughts were that if I could 'open my heart' to a man that it would also allow me to 'better love my children'. I don't know why I thought that...but it just made sense. I remember when I was realizing how much of my heart had shut down because of my abuse...that when I started remembering..I couldn't remember just the good, I had to also remember the bad. So I guess that is why I was thinking that if I was going to love a man...it would open my heart and help me to better love my children. Having him 'truly listen' to me has made me so much more aware of how I need to 'truly listen' to my children. The more I think about this..the more I will be eternally grateful that I have met my 'online guy' and that he helped me to open up my heart.

I feel different now...I am not sure exactly what is happening...I am not sure exactly why...but I think I am finally starting to feel 'comfortable in my own skin'. As I was working over the weekend...and I was walking around...looking at people...more aware of eye contact...really 'looking' at who they are and how they are doing. I got joking around with some of my co-workers and I realized that they were being drawn towards me...they were all laughing and smiling...and just having fun. I thought about how it had been awhile since I have been that way...and it felt really good. I am not 'freaking out' so much wondering what others are thinking of me...man it feels good.  Don't get me wrong...I have a ways to go...and I am not oblivious to what people are thinking or feeling about me...I am just not 'worried' about it and I am noticing that I am getting closer to where I want to be.

Oh..did I tell you...my counselor is going to change offices...so...looks like I am weaning myself off counseling also...I guess I am making progress...

If you are reading this and struggling with issues...whether they are like my issues or not...please Don't give up!

Life is a struggle...I know that...I have struggled...I am struggling...but if we can just 'stay true' to knowing who we are...a child of God...born of royal birth...with unlimited potential..and now that yeah...sometimes life just SUCKS...but we just gotta keep going...keep that eternal perspective...and we will make it..

One of my friends was talking to me...she knows about my blog...I told her I was doing better...and that she could read my blog if she didn't believe me...she said, "I don't need to read your blog to know that you are doing better...I can see it in your face."

Healing feels good...

How the heck am I supposed to know if I am in a relationship? And what is intimacy?

I am still talking to the same man that I talked about in my last post.  This is what I have learned.  Dating sucks! Online dating is easier in some ways...but it is still hard to 'put yourself out there'...and when you start talking to guys it is hard to figure out if you 'have something' because he is not asking you out or anything.

So...I went from sending the occasional message that gets a response in a day or so to chatting on facebook with my man.  Can you say 'amp up the relationship with lightning speed'? Wow...just being able to talk about whatever and get an immediate response had a huge impact on what we were talking about.

I can't remember (or maybe I don't want to remember) how soon the conversation turned to sex and I started 'dumping out' my issues. My concerns about having him touch me if we meet, how I want to have a healthy intimate relationship but there are going to be a few bumps in the road. If I think about it it is embarrassing how much information I shared.

The other weird thing is once you bring up sex...because we have both been married before it is easier to start talking more and more about it..the more we talked about it the easier it became to 'keep in my head' without those feelings of 'fight or flight' and I realized that here I was talking about wanting to do all these intimate things and I was not afraid. I was not feeling the fear and panic that I had felt over the last few years when thinking about sex and/or my abuse...so we talked some more...then we realized something...it is hard to figure out what is ok to talk about and what is not. Applying the Law of Chastity on adults that have been married can be tricky.

When I was married I talked about and did all these things and it didn't affect my ability to teach a lesson on Sundays. It had no effect on my spirituality.  There was nothing wrong with talking at all. But now I sit and think if my teenage children were saying the things I was saying I would march them down to see the Bishop. Dating the second time around is just plain weird.  So after a few 'sex conversations/fantasies' we decided to back off a little and then I noticed that as we shared 'dreams/fantasies' with each other it became more about how we felt towards each other. It became how we hoped that if we got married our children would get along and we would have fabulous memories of times spent together. As I was pondering the difference in what we were sharing I was also trying to understand what I was feeling. I began to notice a difference in how I felt about all the 'sex talk' compared to the sharing of dreams talks. I began to feel a warmth in my heart when I thought about him and it seemed so much deeper than the arousal feelings. I thought about how caring he is when he tries to answer my million questions and how important it is for him to understand me. I began to feel a warmth that I had not experienced before. I have decided that it is the beginning of intimacy. I feel it is a connection to him combined with a feeling of desire and arousal.  Wow...I have really been missing out in life. This feeling just kind of warms my soul. I am thinking intimacy is something I will like.

I was talking to my visiting teacher and she has a similar background to mine and she loves to 'sum up' after I talk to her. So she says, "what you are telling me is that you feel the joy of intimacy and want to experience it with him? And you are realizing that it feels good to experience these feelings?" Yeah, that was an understatement. I don't think I have ever felt what I am feeling and I haven't even met my man yet.

Now...don't get me wrong...I realize the danger in developing an emotional connection with someone that I haven't met yet. I realize that instead of the 'truly stud man' I see in his profile it could be like the identity theft commercials and be some punky kid or an old lady or something. So what I am doing is truly trying to 'feel' when he talks or messages me. I am looking to see if he is trying to exercise 'power or authority' over me. Trying to control me...my man is not doing that. I am looking to see if he is avoiding certain questions that I am asking or trying to hide information. My man is not doing that. I am trying to see if he is 'getting something for nothing' out of the relationship...for example the fact that we 'stopped' talking about sex and he is still right there waiting for me is a huge indicator that he is who he appears to be.

Have I met him?  No.
Do I sometimes thing he might be something different than I perceive?  Once in awhile..
Am I going to 'commit' to him before I meet him? No...
Am I falling in love with him?  Yes.
Do I think the Lord helped me through all the trials I have endured the last couple of years  to end up in a failed marriage? No.

So...what do I do?
I stay aware of my spirituality. I 'feel' how I am doing and what I am thinking.  I will be in tune so that I may hear the desires of the Holy Ghost.

I have never had someone communicate such love, patience, compassion, and desire. He makes me feel that his happiness is aided by him pleasing me. Wow...what a concept!

Oh yeah...he is kind of hung up on 'communication'. I think he said it in every sentence the first day or 2 we were talking...but I gotta say..I think that is why we are where we are in our relationship. It just might work.

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!

Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....

Meeting single men, dating? porn? When to ask...is it a deal breaker?

I must confess...'creepin on guys' (as my daughter calls it) has been fun now for a couple of weeks. But...the whole relationship issues are stirring up all kinds of stuff...

Ok..so I was having fun messaging a guy that really wasn't ready for anything more than friends...that was nice. I can handle that...then he makes me his 'favorite'. I still am not sure what that means...and then he changes his profile and says 'the water is too cold'. Well...what are you doing making me a favorite?

Ok...another thing I am noticing...guys don't seem to answer half the questions you ask them...what is up with that?  Isn't the point to get to know people? Aren't you on the website because you want to 'get to know people'?  Well...how the heck are you going to get to know them if you don't TALK to them?  Seriously, how will you know?

So...I email the guy and make sure I haven't given him the wrong impressions...I panic for a day or so...you see, I had talked about pron...then it occurs to me that maybe HE has porn issues...and now he is mad...and then my mind just spins off from there...

But I think about the fact that if he does have porn issues...is that a deal breaker?

So...my first reaction is YES!  No way in hell will I live with someone that cannot connect with me emotionally...that will cheat on me in their mind...I will not relive what I just got out of!

Then...I think...how many guys will that eliminate from my options?  Is that a bad thing? What if they have truly gone through the repentance process? I have seen those video clips that the couples sit there holding hands and talking about how they never thought they would make it...but they stuck together and now their relationship has depth they never imagined...

That, of course, makes me think I was such a failure in my marriage...that I gave up. I was the one that walked away. But I think the difference is that those videos have men that were willing to admit their problem and 'work' towards overcoming it...I don't think my X was even close to that. I keep thinking of him yelling at me in the car...asking why I would leave him...telling me, "I have never cheated on you with a man or a woman, well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count."  That doesn't sound like someone that is repentant and trying to change...you know?

Anyway...back to dating...

Wow...I have come full circle...I wrote down about 3 months ago that I would never allow a man to touch me intimately again...and here I am...stressing about wanting a relationship with a guy I have only seen pictures of and read a profile. To make it worse, I don't even know if it is true. Combine this with the many spiritual and uplifting experiences I have had over the past month or so and it pretty much screams to me...I need to pursue the idea of finding a man...

Then...I get thinking about the fact that there are so many women out there that are single...smart, beautiful, incredible women...what makes me think that someone as damaged as me has a chance?

Then I start thinking about how damaged I am...

I ponder what really went wrong in my marriage...my abuse issues...

Sigh...I think that might be a whole new post...

And to think .....I WANTED to come to earth to experience all these emotions and have all these 'mortal experiences'....wow...must be some kind of greater good at work..that is for sure...

Issues and Online Dating

My daughter was right, it is kind of fun 'creepin on guys'. I think it is really good for me to be looking ahead. Planning on having a future...without my X.

So I have been searching online to see if I can find any cute guys and I have learned quite a few things by reading a ton of profiles. Let me enlighten you....

There is a difference between a man that was 'burned' by his wife and a man that has lost his wife and is ready to love again. There is a lot to learn by the type of pictures the person posts...if they are mostly head shots and a ton of pictures of his kids...self conscious about his looks and loves his kids.  If he is posting pictures of his boat and other toys...probably doesn't have much going on with his own kids...unless his kids are all over the boat. Some label the pictures by the event, such as, Christmas 2011 or 'day at the park'. These men seem to be a little more humble and less 'stuck on themselves' if that means anything to you. Others label the pictures 'all about them' with things like Me and my friends, Me at the beach, Me with a beard, etc.. And the obvious...'I am trying to get a woman to interact with me and who knows what I am really like'. This kind of profile reminds me of the commercials about identity theft like this one: funny theft identity commercial

For example, one man from Europe was trying to get me to correspond with him and was saying all these wonderful things and I finally asked him, "You do see that I have 5 kids, right?"  Yeah...never heard from him again...what a surprise :)

And yes...there are the older men that keep telling me, "You just need someone that will treat you right."

So...how does this relate to my therapy?

Man...how does it not?

Ok...so I am thinking more and more about what I would want in a spouse...kind of a weird idea...do I want to marry someone that is rich and never had kids that wants to travel and spoil me?  That is attractive, I must say. Do I want someone that will be by my side and just want to sit with me and watch movies?  Hold my hand and go for walks on the beach? Someone that will be patient and help my kids as they struggle with everything that is going on? Do I find someone that has a ton of kids and play 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' ?

Here is a sad thought...

Do I want to just let my X take care of my kids (the ones that want to live with him) because I do think I have issues with emotionally connecting to my kids (see my post Disassociation and Loving My Kids). Then I could marry some successful man that wants someone to share his life...sigh...what kind of crappy mother am I if I am even thinking that? Or I would start to think how I could convince a man what a wonderful mother I would be to his children when I feel like I am such a crappy mother to my own kids...

Then I think about how I can't even feel like I can love anyone..how the heck can I love someone else...

yeah...then I go online and see if there is anyone new...I guess it doesn't hurt to look? It is nice to think there are people out there that have felt something similar to what I have experienced...at least they have an idea of how I feel...that part is nice...

Who knows?  I sure don't....sigh...life is not for wimps!

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...

Searching for my abuser..."I wouldn't do it!"

I am frustrated that I can't remember how my abuse started. I just know some of the horrible things that boy did to me and I can't figure out how I allowed it. I just can't believe that he could have done the things he did to me without something else happening before that. I am sure he was being abused...he couldn't come up with all that stuff on his own..I don't see how I could have been 'under his power' to that extend without something happening before that....some type of trauma or horrible experience...

I wanted to sit down with someone and go over all my family members and family dynamics and see what I can come up with. I tried to see if I could see my counselor...but she just left on vacation for 2 weeks. I tried to see if I could visit with another counselor that works in the same place, the one that helped me with the 'tappers' and she is also not available for the next week or so. I guess the Lord wants me to take care of this one myself...

I got thinking of a distant relative that I remember my mother said had molested his step daughters and a few other women in my family that I think or know were abused...it was a little disturbing to think it was more than 2 of us. It is funny how you perceive your family to be so awesome and together...then sometimes you look a little closer and it can be disturbing....sigh...it does make me wonder if there are any families that exist that are 'untouched by abuse'?

I called the wife of a cousin that is in this family and talked to her...it was so great to be able to open up to someone. She seemed so knowledgeable about abuse, I finally asked her how she knew so much and she reminded me that she used to work for the sheriff's department and they always sent the 'abuse victims' to her to help and support. She told me that she knows over 100 people that were abused and I would be amazed at who they were...we discussed the abuser of my relatives and I found out eventually that he liked young ladies (12-14) and not little girls (my abuse started before I was 7 years old). It was weird to talk about it so open and honestly. She was very aware of the abuser's history, there was no doubt he had harmed girls but I didn't fit his pattern. It was strangely satisfying to know that I was believed and yet was also able to eliminate a suspect.

With that small piece of 'calm' I began thinking about what some people have said..."Why do you want to dig up all that pain?" "Why can't you just let it go?" "What if you can't remember?" "What are you afraid of remembering?" I don't know the answers to those questions...what I do know is that I need to do something different than what I have been doing to put it to rest.  I can't just ignore it, that is what I have been doing the past 40+ years and look where it is has got me.

As I pondered this conversation in my head with my counselor (I don't want you to think I was talking or arguing with myself) I kept saying, Why? Why?Why? I found myself yelling to her in my head, "Because I wouldn't do it! I wouldn't do what he made me do if I had a choice! Something must have happened, before the abuse I can remember happened!"

As I said these words in my head my anxiety began to drop...I pondered why and decided that the words I was just yelling in my head 'felt right'. I wouldn't do it. I was innocent of the responsibility for what happened to me. I was not guilty of any sin. I had no reason to feel any shame or guilt. I have been trying to tell myself this for the past year or so...but this time it seemed to resonate in my soul. The emotion, intensity, and power of what I was 'yelling in my head' felt so strong and true. The words and what they meant seemed to settle deep in my heart and 'fit'. I have gained a new solidness and peace deep in my heart...I will do all that I can to keep it there...

I think I have some wonderful people in my family that love me and care for me. I also feel that there are some skeletons that no one has ever talked about...not alot...but some...and my family doesn't know how to talk about things....

Acting like a child is a good thing?

Here is my insight today....
When I went to counseling last week...before my appointment, I had a meeting for work. After the meeting I was talking to one of my co-workers that is a very dear friend. She was telling me about her cousin that had tried to commit suicide. She was trying to figure out how she could help her and we were discussing the fact that her cousin needed to 'want' the help and 'they couldn't force her'. I talked to her about my experience about trust and not understanding the option of 'choice'. We had a great discussion...I was feeling that my experiences were helping someone else and that made me feel good. We talked right up until I had to leave for my appointment.  I am feeling good and get to my appointment...I am happy that I don't get 'sick to my stomach' anymore when I have my appointments. As I sat there waiting for my counselor...I started getting anxious and antsy.

My counselor comes and we are walking back to her office...she keeps looking at me...I am walking behind her..I don't want to walk next to her..I don't know why...we get in and sit down...I am doing my 'wiggle' thing that makes me feel like I have 'Parkinson's disease' and I feel that my mind is in a whirl. My counselor looks at me and asks, "What's going on? I feel like I have a 5 year old here?" So, of course I interpret that as 'bad' and I am supposed to act composed when I come...after all, I was composed when I had to meet with her and my X. So I obviously can be composed if I want to...so why don't I want to...I feel like I just want to do what is comfortable...not what I perceive to be correct behavior...I am thinking inside...I just feel better when I am 'curled up' on her couch...hugging my knees or ankles...it is like I am giving myself some physical protection and it allows me to focus mentally and open up more.  It is kind of weird...but I am more comfortable and I feel like I can get 'deeper' faster...that should be a good thing, right? She asks me what I am thinking about and what I was thinking about before I came to my appointment...the only thing I can think of is that maybe I didn't have all the time to 'mentally prepare' before coming to my appointment since I was so involved talking with my friend?

Anyway..I am looking at the bookstore the other day and I pick up the book Dear Sister, Once Abused and started reading. The author talks about her abuse...it seems like she has the same goal that I do with my blog...hoping her experience will help others...I am reading about her first major flashback/memory recall and she calls some therapist and the therapist says, "How nice." The author is obviously confused and asks what the heck she is talking about and the therapist responds with, "How nice that little Victoria, that has been buried inside of you, finally felt safe enough to let you know what happened to her so long ago."

Ok...so I have been thinking about that...thinking about how I have been happy and grateful that going to counseling doesn't make me sick anymore...that I am sitting in the waiting room and I usually feel pretty decent...and I still feel a little anxiety come...but by the time we walk down the hall to her office I have felt like I am a mess the last couple of times...so here is my theory...the child inside of me is feeling more comfortable in coming out...and that is why I want to curl up and comfort myself and doing so relaxes me so much...so I guess it is a good thing?

I'll have to try and talk about it with my counselor tomorrow...see how I feel about it...I sometimes get annoyed with my counselor...I remember her saying a long time ago that she hasn't had a 'ton' of experience with abuse or trauma...and most of the time when she responds to me I can't decide if she is 'playing dumb blonde' and knows exactly what is going on but acts like she is just figuring it out or is really learning along with me...I don't know why it matters...I guess I feel that sometimes if she is playing dumb blonde it almost feels insulting...or is that just my ego?

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...