I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

I think I can do this.....

Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)

I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!

We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)

The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.

So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.

This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."

When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath".  I think I am almost there...

As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.

I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....

True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name.  God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.

Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response?  How much time do you have?

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!