I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

The Temple, Elegance and Exponential Improvement

I was my daughter's escort yesterday...what a wonderful experience...wow...sigh...all of that and more.

My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...

Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!"  Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...

Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).

When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing"  gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you."  We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.

I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...

I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...

This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.

Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....

I am an official member of the 'I am Still Standing' Club!

Ok...
So I have been hanging out at the Temple A LOT on Fridays...many of the workers now greet me like an old friend.  It is a wonderful feeling....

One lady in particular has been wonderful and I feel very close to her. She made the comment last week..."There is so much love around you...I don't even know you and I love you!" I spent a little time talking to her after and she mentioned that she had been to counseling several times...then she mentioned how excited she was for me...that I was on the edge of some really wonderful things. Well...that was a wonderfully nice thing to say...but it helps me about as much as when my counselor tells me 'Go with the flow'...yeah...whatever the heck that means...I just know I am not good at it.

I found out later through a friend that this sister at the Temple has had a lot of trials and a very hard road. That got me to thinking about perhaps that is why I 'clicked' with her. I was talking to a counselor that had also dealt with abuse and I asked her if I was now in a 'club' of those that have been abused...and wondering if I would 'sense' others that have struggled like me.  She smiled and said yes...so I decided the name of the club should be 'I am Still Standing'.  I like it...and I like knowing that I am not the only one that is struggling with issues...and I know things will get better.

As I have been pondering this idea...I reflected back on those friends who would listen with 'pity' and 'awe' that I was even functioning...and compared that to the few friends I have that have truly overcome adversity (some were abused..not all). The difference in the look in their eyes, the depth of understanding, the ability they have to 'support' as they listen. This doesn't mean that if someone hasn't been abused they can't be my friend...I am just saying there is a different level of understanding. A level that goes down to the deepest part of my soul. Maybe that is part of what the man in Visions of Glory meant when he talked about 'taking people that had been abused down to their hell and bringing them out through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and healing them'. I think it is something that I have not truly experienced, but I need to if I want to 'truly heal'.

Flat Tire, Tender Mercies, My Wall and Now I am Better?

So...I had a crazy weekend...lots of things happened...X continues to be a jerk...at least he is consistent.

I have been thinking a lot about my wall...How high it is...what it looks like...etc...

So I am working through things...feeling pretty good Spiritually...thinking about how I 'can survive' counseling without too much stress and anxiety...and I am feeling pretty good.  I start to think that I am not feeling any anxiety and maybe some pretty good things can happen...the feeling grows...

I get through work...realize I am on time and I have a strong hope that things can get better for me and I can move on my path towards healing. I am driving down the freeway...grateful that I am a little before the 'traffic time' and then I hear a weird pop...and I think, "Did I just lose my hubcab?"  And I decide I better pull off...car starts vibrating...and YES! I have a flat tire...oh joy...

Interesting part was...there was no traffic...I had no problem moving over 3 lanes to exit the freeway...pull off...I was thinking of circling back to a gas station...then decide to pull into a parking lot so I don't ruin my rim...I call for service..start thinking about doing it myself...then I see an ice cream store.  What are the odds...so I go and buy a 'black raspberry chip' sugar cone and just as I finish the guy shows up to change my tire...a very 'nice' looking young man I will have to admit...and I still have time to get to my counseling appointment.

As I pulled out to drive to my appointment I was really proud of myself that I wasn't upset...part of me wondered if the 'adversary' was trying to stop me from getting to my appointment...but...didn't work...heck I was only about 40 minutes late :) I then realized how many 'tender mercies' had just happened.  Everything from the lack of traffic, closeness of an exit, a parking lot to wait, and the ICE CREAM STORE! The Lord was definitely looking out for me. I felt truly blessed :)

Counseling...I am talking about my wall...what it is like...how I feel...what is around that I can use to get over it. It was weird to think that I 'was' thinking the other side of the wall was bad and the little girl inside of me was 'scared and alone' because she was away from me...then realizing that 'she' was just fine...it was me that was all alone and had blocked out the 'love and joy' of my Heavenly Father because the feelings were too intense and I couldn't handle them.

I thought about 'why' I would be afraid of the wall and what was on the other side...I knew that rationally it didn't make sense...then I realized it was like the fear of a child...it didn't make sense...but it was real. So, I am talking to my counselor...she is asking me what it is like?  How tall is it? Are there any holes? Is anyone else around? Are there materials around?  And I came up with 'nothing'.

She asks me 'what does the wall need?'  It needs to get blown up...that's what it needs...we talk about my fears...she asks why I would be afraid? I say I am afraid it will be more 'emotion' than I can handle...I am not very good at handling my own emotion...it is kind of new for me...then we talk about taking the wall down a little at a time...so I can get used to it...

Then she says..."Can you make the wall smaller?"  Holy Crap...hadn't thought about that...the next thing I see in my head it has shrunk to about 1/3 the size and is now just over my head!  I can almost 'see' over the top...but I am still afraid...I realize that I am not alone and I can tell myself that I don't have to deal with the other side all at once.

So...to make a long story short...what is in my head now?  A small garden wall that I can easily step over if I choose...I am still thinking about how I want to do that and what it will mean and how it will feel...but the best part is that "I" get to make the choice.

There is a part of me that wonders if 'all my issues will diminish' once I step across the wall?  What did the wall represent?  Why is it there? Am I truly 'done' with the wall? I am sure I won't need it anymore?  Am I strong enough to 'deal' with what is on the other side?
 
Heck...I have no idea.  What I do know is that I don't feel scared. I am feeling more at peace than I have felt for a long time...my X is going to continue to be a jerk...and I will just let him do his thing.  I won't 'stir his pot' unless I have to for the kids' sake. How incredible this would be if I am healing and my life is in a position that I can 'deal' with all the garbage and still stay happy and focused and centered...that is my prayer!

Remembering Memories and Easter

Well...it was another exciting day in my life. I was spending a lot of time in the car driving yesterday and that of course gets me thinking about all my 'issues' and sometimes it is nice because it is 'uninterrupted thinking/pondering time' and that is hard to find sometimes....sometimes it is just frustrating because I can't stay focused...yesterday I was able to stay focused...

So...I am thinking about my abuse and realizing that a memory of a house I thought I was babysat in as a 4 year old was a memory of the house of my abuser (I didn't live next to my abuser until I was 5). I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 3 or 4 and I remember being at someone's home and being terrified to come out from behind the couch (I remember a lady kept asking me if I wanted something to eat...if I wanted to come out...she would sit nearby and was reading a book or something to keep an eye on me) The explanation I put to the memory was that I hadn't been to her house for a long time and I was a very shy child and there weren't any other children there...Now I am thinking that was not what really happened...

Well...I kept thinking about this memory and trying to figure out what it truly was.  This, of course, got me thinking that maybe I was abused more in my neighbor's home than I remember (which I am sure is true since I don't remember how my abuse started and I am pretty sure I didn't just ask the boy next store to 'shove stuff up in me' or try to freak me out, hurt me, and scare me). Then I realized that I was 'massively disassociating' whenever the abuse was happening...which would explain why when I would think back to the memory that I was feeling that I was a 'willing participant'. I had always had the thought in the back of my brain that I must have wanted it at some level because I couldn't remember any fear or pain or anything else...I realized yesterday I was not a 'passive participant'.

Then I started feeling my body react as I was thinking about all of this...the strangest sensation was in my 'private areas'...I tried to play 'counselor' and think how my counselor would react...what she would ask me...trying to get me to 'identify my feelings and put it into words' and I realized that the sensation I was feeling wasn't a 'good sensation' (as in sexual arousal that was accompanied with 'guilt' and wondering if I 'wanted my abuse') but rather a heightened sensitivity in 'anticipation of pain'...this added to the intensity of the thought that I was not a 'willing participant'. It also added another dimension of the 'reality of my abuse' and that my mind really has blocked out things that are horrible...that is just a weird concept...to realize and accept that I was sexually abused to the point that my brain had to 'block it out' to protect me...I felt like I had just 'dropped down' another layer...towards getting to the real memories of everything that happened to me as a child.

This was a very new idea as you can imagine...as I was thinking about it...my heart began to race...my breathing became shallow...about this time I show up at my counseling session...they always want me to fill out those 'how are you feeling' surveys...I said no (did you know you can say no sometimes?  Kind of empowering..I just gotta say)...I didn't want to fill out the survey...I pulled out my 'scribble notebook' (I have a couple of different notebooks...this one is for me to get my thoughts out...I'll burn it when it is full) I began writing like mad to sift through the feelings and organize my thoughts in my head...

As I am writing I realize my heat is pounding, my chest is tight, my breathing is rapid and shallow...and I am shaking like crazy...it hits me again..."what kind of hell did I live through that is causing my body to react like this?"  "I am a grown woman...this happened over 40 years ago"

Well...I got most of it out and was able to organize my thoughts a little in my head...I was a little 'flustered' as I began my counseling session...but I think all and all I was able to handle it very well...and that was HUGE!

I talked about it with my counselor and even moved on to some other things...so I guess I truly am healing...wow...what a concept...to 'be ok in my skin'.  That is my goal....but...life keeps happening...

I even had enough together that when I got home (my daughter had invited another family over for dinner) I was able to act reasonably normal and had a nice time...

I figure I better handle it when this stuff happens, especially since I keep praying to remember what happened...I want the Lord to know that I can handle it if He opens my mind and helps me to remember...If I can't handle it...I better quit asking for it...

Now the kids are in group counseling...I have 'co-parenting' counseling again tonight...my X invited me to his family's Easter Party..the girls told me I shouldn't go (I don't want to go anyway...they all hate me thinking I have 'destroyed' my X) because it would just give my X hope.  My girls tell me that he thinks I have just gone temporarily insane and will come back to him if he is patient...SERIOUSLY?  Wow....

My friend told me the other day she was thinking about me when she read in the Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." And let me tell you...as I ponder over all that has happened this last week...I feel it is so true...it just keeps coming and coming and coming...and amazingly enough..it doesn't scare me like it used to. I truly feel that it is because I know I am not alone..

I was reading Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage and I loved the line in chapter 33 "...For those of His chosen ones who were true to Him, the Lord had no feeling less than that of the love and of yearning for their victory over Satan and sin." Oh how I want to be a 'chosen one' and make the Lord proud of me and the things I have been able to accomplish...I can't even imagine the joy that would bring...

This morning I was reading about the atonement...as I read Doctrine and Covenants 19:18 "...Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain." I thought back to yesterday and how I was trembling because of remembered pain...Now don't get my wrong...I am in no way saying what I have experienced is anything close to the atonement...but I will say I have a teeny, tiny bit more understanding of the pain that He felt...what it feels like to 'tremble with pain'. And I know that He paid the price for the sin of my abuse...He has taken the burden and pain of my past off my shoulders...He is helping me to feel whole.  He is my Savior.  He is there for me. I willl do everything in my power to be near to Him so that I may feel His love and influence through the Holy Ghost...for I know that THAT is the only way I will be able to return to Him and our Father.  And that my friends...is a goal worth keeping! I can testify of that in His name, the name of Jesus Christ!  He is real and He lives!

Today Is Good

Well...
I have made some major progress with dealing and healing with my abuse this last couple of weeks and then I got slammed with all the court stuff...trying to find counselors for my kids that take my insurance...scheduling is going to be a nightmare...sigh...

But I gotta say...for the most part I am feeling good today...and I am just going to try and accept that and enjoy it.

I am looking at my daughter going on a mission this summer and trying to see what I can do to help support her. Her father is not willing to help her (he says he can't) but what bugs me is he has family with money...he is making no effort to see if any family members will help her. So sad...

And at the same time my X is trying to get me to pay him child support (1 of my 5 kids is living with him) because he is unemployed...my income is much higher...and I will confess..I live in one of those states that doesn't necessarily put the 'best interest' or 'old fashioned values' towards its laws. It is just so wrong that I am working 2 jobs to get by and he can sit around and expect me to pay him...anyway...don't want to ruin my good day...

While I was talking to my daughter...she feels that she can get half her mission saved up before she goes...I have a brother that is willing to help her...and I am going to help her...and as she was expressing her frustration that her dad wouldn't even be willing to pay $20 a month towards it...I was just overwhelmed with how much I love her and how I know the Lord is aware of me and my children and I told her.."I will pay the rest". I don't know how...but I know the Lord knows what I need...the BYU Idaho devotional this week said in  (Michael R Otterson 3/5/2013) his closing statement he quoted from Elder Holland's talk  "...God is eagerly waiting to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams..."

I have some pretty good dreams...and I know the Lord knows what they are...so I just have to keep up my faith and pray...doesn't sound too hard...and for today...Yes...I am good!

Coming Out of My Hole...Healing?

Well...I wonder if I am healing...maybe a little?

(If you are struggling with your healing you have to read Elder Scott's talk To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse and To Be Healed )

The negative monologue is definitely going away...it is funny...I will be at work and realize that I am actually kind of relaxed. I don't have some underlying anxiety thing going on all day long dragging me down. I think my big 'breakthrough' was when my counselor told me she wasn't going to make me do anything.  That was a 'sledgehammer' up side the head! I can still easily get teary eyed thinking that I am 'free' and I can choose what I want to do. Maybe that is part of what needed to happen in my life. Because there is a part of me that feels 'utterly alone' (my father died about 8 years ago and my mother died 1 1/2 years ago) I divorced 2 years ago...I offended my brother's wives when my mother passed away and I have contact with only one and he lives very far away. So in many ways I am truly alone....But...

What if this is the environment I needed to be in to allow myself to 'embrace' the fact that I can do whatever I want? I am not listening to others tell me what to do...I am just me. Maybe I needed to be alone to understand I was 'free'?

I could easily make myself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons...but I guess the bottom line is that it happened...it is what it is...one of the phrases I 'caught' from my counselor is that..."If I could have stopped it...I would have." I may have to tell myself that for awhile before I can truly say I believe it in my heart...but it is worth it...and I think little by little...my heart is beginning to believe.

Don't get me wrong...one little 'ah ha' moment will not make everything better...I still have a lot of issues...I need to work on my control issues...I need to work on my 'emotional connection' with my kids...I need to continue growing and getting stronger...and I think that is a life time goal.

Besides...now my X is starting to drive me crazy...probably because my mind is relaxing a little and I am realizing how 'messed up' I was to ever think I was in love.

What Did My Abuse Do To Me?

I was asked in counseling what my abuse did to me...good question...

Some days I feel that it affects every aspect of my life...other times I try and convince myself that it was no big deal...the longer I am in counseling...the harder it is to convince myself that it was no big deal...sigh...

I think it affected my ability to interact with boys as anything other than a friend. I think it gave me a fear of 'sexual energy' which would include flirting and any prospect of physical intimacy. Wow...it sure makes me wonder if my dating years would have been different if my childhood had been different.

It has given me HUGE control issues...I always thought it was strange that I could be so 'outgoing and fun' when I wanted to but if someone else was in control...I would crumble and go into a total panic.  For example: my room mate threw a surprise party for me and I heard about it through a different room mate and it was all I could do to go home that night...I finally resigned myself to going...and when I got there...I smiled politely and stuck myself in the corner of the couch and basically hid from everyone...gotta say...probably didn't impress a lot of people that night. My roommate that threw the part was mad and finally said.."Fine, you REALLY don't like parties for you...I was trying to do something nice to help you feel loved...I won't do it again!" And my response was (which I didn't vocalize of course) "Yeah...PLEASE don't every throw me another party." But what is weird is I threw a party for her and I was 'stirring it all up' and having a great time. Serious control issues...

It affects how I dress. I remember wearing dresses all the time when I was little...and it was fine...then as I got older...I just didn't want to do it. When I was in 5th grade (back in the old days when Primary was during the week) I would have to wear a dress to school because I went to primary straight from school. One day I decided on a whim to wear a dress on another day. I think I had about 5 kids ask me if it was Thursday since I was wearing a dress.  Yeah...that really added to my paranoia that everyone watches when I dress up...and not wanting to dress up because I was not comfortable with the energy or attention.

I can't deal with sexual attraction or sexual energy...like at all...When I was on my mission (South America) I was in the market one day with my companion...I always had companions about half my height. A man from Spain (lisp accent and all) started talking to me and began to ask if we could meet. I remember asking where he lived and realized he was in the Elder's area (whew...good thing...he was making me very nervous) he responded, "Quiero Charlar con VOS" (I want to talk with YOU) in a very seductive manner..I, of course, did not have the skills to deal with it...and began to turn red and tell him I would be happy to give his address to the Elders...to make a long story short...he continued to say he wanted to talk with me...and my face just kept getting redder and redder...I remember feeling that the whole market place was looking and laughing at me...not a fun experience...I definitely have issues with sexual energy.

It affected my choice in spouse. I remember when I was dating my X all my friends would say.."You both act so normal when you are together...you aren't trying to be someone different." I would finally realize that we were both 'normal' because he wasn't truly attracted to me (gay porn issue a little more than he is willing to admit) and I was comfortable because there was no 'sexual energy'. I didn't realize what I was missing for many years to come. Gotta say...that part of it kinda sucks...makes me want to play the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' game....I had no idea what I was missing out on...I had shut down my heart so long ago...I just couldn't feel it...

It affected my personality. I remember talking to another co worker one day and she mentioned that she was abused as a child also..she never married...I will say she dressed very nice...but she was kind of a 'tough gal' that no one wanted to make mad. This kind of thinking makes me wonder if people that are abused as children (something happens that is damaging to them and it is the result of the power of another person) are going to go to either one extreme or another.. They will either become a doormat...continue to have people abuse them...or they will be 'tough' and intimidate people so no one will ever control them again. Makes me want to be extra nice to all grouchy people :)

So...what is the point of this post? I feel I need to understand how my abuse affected me so I can change those 'by-products' and live my life free of my 'baggage'. Or at least live in a way that I choose...not what is dictated by all my negative personality hangups. Let's go for some of my positive personality hang ups :)  I am trying harder to 'dress up' and 'feel pretty' and if someone compliments me...thank them kindly and not make some stupid remark that will 'negate' the compliment. I want to let go of my trust and control issues so I can truly function and be a positive influence within my family and society. I guess it always comes back to "I want to feel that I am a valued daughter of my Heavenly Father...that He loves and accepts me." I want to know that I can put my past behind me and have a better future...giving my abuse issues a place...but not letting those issues negatively impacting my life...trying to find a place that allows me to be 'better because I have risen above'.

My abuse has had too much power in my life...I am taking that power back!

Child Abuse and Dressing Up

If anyone were to ask me I would say "I hate dressing up!" In fact, I say that quite a bit. But to be truly honest I don't really hate it...I feel that I don't do it very well and there is a different energy when I feel really good about how I look and I am not always comfortable with it.  Granted there were a few environmental issues growing up that added to the problem.

Without giving too much personal information...let's just say I wear a clothing size that is difficult to find. I remember as a kid going to the clothes shopping with my mom and leaning against the racks and saying..."There is nothing in this store that will fit me." My mother would try to keep a smile on her face (especially since she was tired from working all day and trying to make shopping an wonderful mother/daughter bonding experience and I was not helping). As I got into high school we did find a specialty shop that carried my size and I was able to get a few items that helped me to feel very classy and dressed up. So every now and then I would dress up and feel that people were looking at me in a positive way and I would feel good about it but I wouldn't want to do it all the time.

I don't think I attached the connection to my not wanting to dress up to my abuse. At least I didn't want to acknowledge it if I did. I just told myself I was a tomboy. I spend my high school years with lots of boys I felt comfortable around but there was never anything romantic...I was the 'friend that was a girl' and I would tell myself it was because I had grown up with a house full of boys and I knew how to be friends with boys and it was a good thing. I remember having friends that were boys all the years growing up. When I was in second grade I remember the teacher asking for volunteers that would be willing to put their desks together a boy next to a girl. I raised my hand because I never had the 'boys are icky' stage and ended up sitting next to a really nice boy. I had another (boy) friend that showed me how to play marbles and I would go to his house to play marbles after school. Another boy was my friend on the 'bars' on the playground. I think it is interesting that I had all these healthy relationships with boys my age...but my abuser was my age too and the relationship was obviously entirely different. I know the abuser and I were in the same class at school for at least 3rd grade (we lived next door to each other from Kindergarten to 4th grade)...but I only have one memory of him at school...and I remember one time walking home together. That is what I remember now...anyway...

So I went through most of my life always wishing I could wear pants and a t shirt except when I went to church and I knew I had to wear a dress.  When I decided to go on a mission many of my friend teased me and would ask, "You know you will have to wear a dress everyday, right?" I was almost kind of weird about it, I would wear tube socks (athletic socks that come to your knee) with my dress boots...thinking my skirt would cover them so it didn't matter. Any way I could 'look dressed up' and not be I did. On my mission I would wear sweatpants under my dresses..it was so cold in the evening walking home I would pull them down to keep my legs warm - they were black :) Even wearing nylons made me feel very different and looking back now I think I just wasn't comfortable with the energy. Because I rarely dressed up when I did dress up...people made comments and said nice things and sometimes I was in the mood to hear it and sometimes I wasn't.

One of the things my ex would say was, "I am glad you don't dress up, I hate girls that make a big fuss about wearing makeup and getting all fancy." My initial response was...AWESOME I don't have to dress up...but I think later it added to my self esteem issues...let's face it...when women dress up they feel better about themselves...people compliment them and it puts a smile on their face.

Several years ago I started thinking differently. I think as I was beginning to put together the significance that my ex had a gay porn problem and also was 'hyper vigilant' about anything that would even appear gay. My kids picked up on it but I don't know if they ever put 2 and 2 together..My son (who is very comfortable wearing pink or whatever)...would say things like..."I really like those purple shoes...but I know dad won't like them, he'll say they look "gay"...I think my ex has a desire to be homosexual but feels it is wrong and I have always had the thought in the back of my brain that part of his attraction to me is because I am taller than him and I am not as feminine as most girls. Don't get me wrong...I know how to act feminine...I am just not always comfortable doing it...there is a self-awareness when I feel good about how I look that I need to 'better embrace'. But I am working on it....

I remember when we got married...my girl friends all kidded me about the fact that I would need to wear make up and curl my hair at my wedding reception. So I asked a friend to help me put on makeup and curl my hair. I remember after she worked so hard on me...I came out to go into the reception and my ex just looked at me and said, "You're ready...let's go." He told me later that he knew I had to wear makeup and he was afraid that anything he said would come out wrong. I, of course, told myself..."Wow...he really does accept me for myself...how wonderful." yeah...did you catch any sarcasm there? So many people told me how beautiful I was...I did feel beautiful. I was struggling with the attention...I felt everyone was looking at me (duh...it was my wedding) I was uncomfortable with that. My friend that 'fixed me up' has told me several times how many people commented to her how beautiful I looked.

After being married for awhile the thought began in the back of my mind that part of my issue was that I was not comfortable with feeling that I was 'attractive'. I think any form of 'sexual energy' is very uncomfortable to me...my guess is that it is connected to being so afraid of my abuser, especially that one time when he tried to have intercourse...my 'enhanced' version of what happened (my chest is pounding as I write this) and sensing his sexual desire...the way he moved his body...the look in his eye...totally freaked me out as a kid...it gave me the strength and adrenaline to push him away...which of course went instantly to 'remorse' for having told him no and I turned myself into a willing slave...man...is that screwed up or what?

So...here I am divorced...trying to feel good about myself...knowing if I dressed nicer I would feel different, people would look at me different, they would compliment me on how I look, I would act different...and I am wanting all these things...but some days not brave enough to do it. Then I get a second job (yes...I have 2 jobs right now and my ex is trying to get me to pay him child support since he is unemployed...sigh...) well...my second job is teaching college online. The university has a dress code and it was part of a discussion that I needed to review and correct. So there I sat, reading 40+ short essays on the importance of following the dress code and how the standard is not so much 'dressing up for others' as it is respecting the body God has given us. Treating your body in such a way that God knows you understand the amazing gift your body is. Dressing in a way that if you were to 'run into God in the street' He would know you are respecting and caring for His gift, you are grateful for it. This, of course, put a whole different spin on dressing up and yes...I am gradually making changes to my wardrobe and the way I dress. My two teenage girls are being incredibly supportive...one daughter mentioned to me in church that it wasn't fair if I was 'cuter than her' at church and then gave me a wonderful smile :) My girls are very excited that I have bought some 'cool boots' that they can also wear and they are even pondering wanting to borrow some of my other things. My sons have also noticed...my older son has begun teasing me that 'men are checking you out!' I am still not totally comfortable with it...but day by day I am trying to show respect for the gift I have received from my Heavenly Father and dress in a way that my children can be proud of me. My mother used to say..."My mother always told me children deserve a mother that looks nice." In the past I would interpret that to mean as long as I had showered and combed my hair and there were no stains on my clothes I was good...I am trying to 'kick it up a notch' and yes...it does make me feel better. I am still extremely self conscious about it...but I am adjusting. It is a different feeling now when I dress up...I think that is because I am not doing it for the attention or approval of others...I am doing it because I want God to know I am grateful for what He has given me. I am getting compliments from men at church (one even made a point of saying he liked what I had worn the week before). I am trying to accept their compliments with a smile and not make some negative/sarcastic response..some days I am better than others.

So...dressing up...what do I think now? I think that when I feel I am dressed in a way that shows my respect for my body I give off a different energy, a glow that people can see. I have seen it in others...the tomboy that shows up somewhere in a dress and everyone 'oohs and aahs'. I am trying to learn the difference between 'warm sincere compliments' and 'sexual energy'. I am getting much better at receiving compliments (I don't always respond now with a put down that negates the compliment) but sexual energy scares me even more since I have dug up all my abuse issues and I am trying to deal with them.  I am going to go with the assumption that I will get better about this. I will say it gives me no desire to find a boyfriend and get re-married. Although my kids keep telling me I should find a man...I think they are hoping for some rich guy...in their dreams :)  And maybe mine....


Friday 3/8/2013
I have bought some new clothes...I am starting to feel better about myself...I am having people comment and I am feeling ok about it. It is weird...I feel so different about dressing up than before...when I would dress up before I felt that everyone was looking at me and that I had to really watch what I was doing...that it was kind of a 'facade' and it wasn't truly representing me...

This time it is different...I feel like I am just becoming me. I joked with my daughter..."I think I want to dress and act like a woman" She joked back with a smile, "Better late than never" Gosh I love my kids! It just feels so different...I just want to be a woman...feel like a woman...and dress so I feel good...not in a show offy kind of way...just feel good.  Very new feeling for me...

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

The Good
I am active in the LDS church (yes...I am a mormon through and through) and I have never been angry with God. I have 5 incredible children that I love more than life itself. I have friends that will listen when I need to talk and care about me. I am able to work and provide for my children. More and more I am able to access my heart and my true feelings...I am able to feel more of my Savior's love. I live near a Temple and I am able to attend often. I feel the presence of my parents and others that have passed on. I feel their love and support for me, I know I am not alone. I see 'tender mercies' in my life every day as the Lord tries to communicate His love for me. My oldest daughter is almost old enough to go on a mission and is anxiously preparing, my next daughter is also talking of going on a mission. I am so proud of them both. I remember when I had the sister missionaries over to our house one time and she said, "You have no idea how nice it is to come to your home. Everyone in your home has a strong testimony and you can feel it when you come in." I have thought about that a lot. I am so blessed with the Spirits that my Heavenly Father has sent to me. They are incredible..and I can see them getting stronger as we travel down our path...believe me...there are a TON of bumps..but we are going in the right direction. My kids and I laugh about how at our house we don't try to hide our problems...there is some peace in that. Granted, I am not flaunting my issues...like I said...most people would have no idea the problems I am dealing with. But I am trying very hard to be upfront and open with what I am dealing with and what I perceive them to be dealing with. I am always praying for them and with them. I will say in my family prayer, "Help us to communicate the love we have for each other" and I think they are starting to get it...in between all the pain, there is love. I always tell them, you wouldn't feel so hurt and angry if you didn't care about each other.

The Bad
I can't remember how my abuse started. When things are too stressful for me to deal with my brain goes 'blank' and I can't remember what we are talking about.(This happens a lot in counseling...can't figure out if it is happening more than before or I am just becoming more aware). Sometimes I do wonder if my mind is ok...it has been trying to protect me and my heart for so long...it is like it has a mind of it own (ha ha).
I have serious control issues and counseling sometimes drives me crazy...I am a 'closet perfectionist' and I don't deal very well with things I am not good at..I am not good at counseling.
I seriously cannot keep my house clean. For whatever reason I just don't have the mental energy to get my kids to be responsible and clean up after themselves...I am not good at following up and being consistent.

The Ugly
My ex has not taken any responsibility for our divorce. He has tried to take some of the kids to live with him 3 different times. The kids are being separated and divided. They feel they can't love us both. the last mediator told him (us) that he wasn't going to divide our family any further. The kids told him they want to my oldest to get emancipated so they can live 'just them' and not have to deal with all the divorce issues. Ouch!  Can't say I blame them...

All my kids need counseling but my ex won't give permission because he says that I use it to slander him (a little denial perhaps?). One of my daughters (I threatened my ex with charges if he wouldn't approve her to receive counseling so she is now in therapy) is suffering from depression in part because she has a chronic bone disease in her jaw..but more because of her relationship with her father. Her therapist asked if I could talk to my ex regarding how damaging what he says about me and how he treats her is to my daughter. I told the therapist if I could do that and he would listen...I would probably still be married.

My teenage son TOTALLY blames me for the divorce...he begged to live with his dad and when his dad lost his job..he moved closer and last fall my son moved in with his dad. My son has yelled at his siblings, "You hate me because I love dad!" Actually my other children were giving him space because he was such an emotional mess.  My son has even gone as far as to tell me (in front of all the kids...sigh..)"Dad told you he had a problem with porn before you got married, he had problems later because you weren't keeping him satisfied." Yeah...that was a great weekend....all my friends tell me that he will come back...he just needs time. I was at the Temple one time doing sealings...and one of the brethren was talking to me while others looked for more priesthood holders to complete more sealings. We started talking and I told him a little bit. He smiled and said, "Mothers have a special bond with their children. Heavenly Father helped you pick your children, he will come back to you." I later found out he was in the original Temple presidency when our Temple opened. I see him all the time (he is a sealer) now and he always asks me how I am, looks me in the eye and lets me know he cares.He reminds me of my dad, I even had a sweet experience to reinforce it.

My ex has told my daughter that he doesn't want her to go on a mission because they she will turn out like me. He has told her he can't help her financially to go on a mission. Unfortunately for my ex, I think it is making her more determined to go on a mission.

Everyone keeps telling me that my kids will figure it out...I just need to be in the best possible place I can to be the best possible me and things will work out.  This, of course, just adds pressure to my 'hurry and fix myself' issues...but I am trying to take it one day at a time.