It's been awhile...my kids are surviving...

I haven't posted in awhile...
I guess that is a good thing?
I have been very busy with my kids...my daughter came home from her mission...she and her sister shared an apartment at school. It has been so wonderful to see them both interact, support each other, love each other..want to find a man and marry...(I must say I am very glad they WANT to marry..granted they are a little worried and don't want to rush into anything...but they WANT to marry).
My oldest son is doing well, has an awesome job (just graduated from high school) and is planning on going on a mission in about a year.
My 2 younger boys are surviving quite well also...

I think it has been my 'reprieve/break' for a bit.I know my work was getting pretty crazy last spring (I'm a teacher) and it has been good to have some down time.I am not sure how long it will last - but I am not going to complain.

So...what have I learned?
That time does make things better. I just had a quick conversation about porn with my 16 year old son. I was able to say that I don't want to be 'passively ignorant' about it but it is difficult to talk about for obvious reasons. He just smiled at me and said, "Yeah." Yes, the international teenage phrase for...I get it...it's alright. It made me feel good that I could say something and that he could look me in the eye and say that he knows and stays away from it. I am sure I need to continue to be vigilant..but I am making progress.

I remember asking my girls if I should have stayed with their dad...and they said, "NO, then we would have thought what you and dad had was normal and good." Good point....

My girls talk about how different they perceive marriage - the priorities they have when looking for the right man to share their life with...I really think they understand what an emotional connection is and the importance of having it in a healthy relationship.

My good friend (old roommate) and I have talked alot about losing parents. Her father just died and I have been overwhelmed with reminders of how much my parents loved me and how much I can still feel that love today. It is a huge blessing in my life. I have never felt alone, and I thank the Lord for that...He truly is there for me and for all of us. He loves us and has a plan.

I see my kids interact - argue - giggle and laugh - love each other - want to be there for each other - and I am grateful. I would like to think that the experiences over the last few years has brought them closer together. I know that with my one son moving out -- my daughters going away to school - they all know that they have to TRY if they want to get along and have a relationship. I like to think that they will be closer as adults because they already understand that good family relationships take time and energy. Maybe that is a good thing?

I can only hope and pray that it is....

I want more privacy? Really? Now? I don't want to be alone any more...

I haven't written much for the last few months, I am not sure exactly why. I would like to think that in part it is because I have healed quite a bit. I feel stronger. I am more confident. That's a good thing, right?

I am still dating movie dude...I really care for him. I wish he was more 'in' at church but I know that I can't make him go to church. We will see where that goes.

I will say that I truly want to find someone and become companions and more. I want to share my life with him. I want to belong and bond to him. Part of this is Movie Dude's fault...I do kind of like him. He is helping me to realize even more what a 'real' relationship would be like and I want one.

One thing that was weird is that I still talk to my Online Guy every now and then. He has started dating someone so I haven't been texting him as much. He texted me the other day and asked if I was pulling away and moving on. We had a 'discussion' (if you can call texting a discussion) about where boundaries should be if one of us is in a committed relationship with someone. He was trying to say that we could still be friend and talk. He talked about the trust he and the girl he is dating have with each other. I was telling him that once one of us is engaged it is down to Christmas cards (like I really send those) and hi on occasion. He seemed to feel different.

I've been thinking about that and for me it isn't about trust...it is about wanting to bond to my man. It is about wanting to have such a special place for him that friendships with other men have no interest for me. I was feeling that my ability to truly commit to a man has deepened and I am glad. Sometimes I feel that if/when I marry and I am working on my relationship it will be a labor of love. I have looked around a lot these last few years and I can see in the faces of others the struggles that they have over come together and the depth it adds to their relationship. I want that.

I think sometimes that I am insane to think I could bring a man into my life...for one I have a horrible time cleaning my house...it is no pig sty...but I am just so exhausted all the time and I just don't have the energy...between having 2 jobs and my kids and trying to date...house cleaning has taken a bottom step..can you blame me?

Then I think about how working together through it all will be hard, fun, loving, happy, crabby, tiring, and deeper and richer than anything I have experienced in my life to this point. I want to do it.

I do feel some stirrings in my life...so who knows?

I have chatted a few times with a man that lost his wife suddenly, it has been a few years but he is still grieving...and understandably so. He says he wants to date and marry again...but he has kept his life full with his children and has no time. Then I wonder if I will always be thinking 'maybe if I waited'....I don't want to do that.

I was talking to a friend...he said that his friend married a woman that was not a member of the church and he married her because he loved her. Not because he wanted her to be something different, join the church after 6 months or anything...he married her because he loved her. He then asked me if I was ready to give up my dream of a temple marriage to marry him.  Good question...

But I keep telling myself that he wants to be strong in the church...and it is hard for a single man with no kids to remain active. At least he hasn't made any huge mistakes and lost his recommend...he just hasn't got one yet...

Sigh...

Well...on the up side...I am seeing some amazing progress with my kids...I guess time really does make a difference. My daughter is coming home from her mission soon. My other daughter is off to school and growing spiritually by leaps and bounds...it is truly incredible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is aware of my needs. I know it! I know that I will have all that I desire if I can just stay true...I just need to stay on the path!

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.

I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Friends...committed relationship...what's in between?

Ok...I am still dating movie dude...and I enjoy his company. He was very hurt by his first marriage many years ago and will barely talk about it. He did say that he doesn't ever want to hurt like that again and so he just 'nips things in the bud' before they can get serious. As a result, he tells me almost every time we go out..."Feel free to keep looking." or "I don't want to stop you from reaching your goal." or "I know you need a spiritual partner to go to the Temple with." or the best one..."I don't mind if you go out with other guys, I trust you." Sigh....

I have been thinking...there must be a purpose for him to be in my life. A reason that 'God put him in my way'...Anyone seen the movie The Four Feathers with Heath Ledger? I love a line from that movie, the main character is being helped by an unlikely friend and is asked why? The friend's response is, "God put you in my way!" I think about that a lot when I think about the men that have come into my life. I truly feel that 'God put them in my way' ...or as in the case of my 'Online Guy' maybe God put me in his way?

I think the purpose of movie dude is to help me understand what exists between a friendship with a man and a committed relationship. I don't have much experience in that area...and I am finding it refreshing. We enjoy each others company yet we are not limited to only interacting with each other. I know he isn't going out with anyone else right now...but it is interesting to think that it is an option. I am trying to process how this affects my emotional connection. Or if there is an emotional connection yet? I feel that I do not need to 'tell him everything' that I am doing. I am not 'obligated to confess' if I talk to another man. It is a very different experience. I do have to confess that I have a completely different perspective on the kids that 'dated around' when I was in high school and I am seeing the wisdom of that concept.

So I am looking forward to better understanding 'the in between' relationship. The ability to care about someone and not have it consume me. The ability to express affection without it meaning I am not 'shackled' to someone.Don't get me wrong, I would not feel this way if I was in a committed relationship, that is a different story. But I think it is a good place for me...a place for me to better understand my emotions and feelings.

Sigh...I am so not ready to get married....besides...if I wait another year and a half...I will have 3 kids over 18 and that will have a huge impact on the drama of my life...and I am thinking I need to start a marriage with as little drama as possible. I don't care how committed we are to each other...we need to be able to nurture the good...and have time to really bond and get to know each other. I think they call that...'Setting yourself up for Success!' That is what I want to do...I want my final relationship to succeed!

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!

Issues and Online Dating

My daughter was right, it is kind of fun 'creepin on guys'. I think it is really good for me to be looking ahead. Planning on having a future...without my X.

So I have been searching online to see if I can find any cute guys and I have learned quite a few things by reading a ton of profiles. Let me enlighten you....

There is a difference between a man that was 'burned' by his wife and a man that has lost his wife and is ready to love again. There is a lot to learn by the type of pictures the person posts...if they are mostly head shots and a ton of pictures of his kids...self conscious about his looks and loves his kids.  If he is posting pictures of his boat and other toys...probably doesn't have much going on with his own kids...unless his kids are all over the boat. Some label the pictures by the event, such as, Christmas 2011 or 'day at the park'. These men seem to be a little more humble and less 'stuck on themselves' if that means anything to you. Others label the pictures 'all about them' with things like Me and my friends, Me at the beach, Me with a beard, etc.. And the obvious...'I am trying to get a woman to interact with me and who knows what I am really like'. This kind of profile reminds me of the commercials about identity theft like this one: funny theft identity commercial

For example, one man from Europe was trying to get me to correspond with him and was saying all these wonderful things and I finally asked him, "You do see that I have 5 kids, right?"  Yeah...never heard from him again...what a surprise :)

And yes...there are the older men that keep telling me, "You just need someone that will treat you right."

So...how does this relate to my therapy?

Man...how does it not?

Ok...so I am thinking more and more about what I would want in a spouse...kind of a weird idea...do I want to marry someone that is rich and never had kids that wants to travel and spoil me?  That is attractive, I must say. Do I want someone that will be by my side and just want to sit with me and watch movies?  Hold my hand and go for walks on the beach? Someone that will be patient and help my kids as they struggle with everything that is going on? Do I find someone that has a ton of kids and play 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' ?

Here is a sad thought...

Do I want to just let my X take care of my kids (the ones that want to live with him) because I do think I have issues with emotionally connecting to my kids (see my post Disassociation and Loving My Kids). Then I could marry some successful man that wants someone to share his life...sigh...what kind of crappy mother am I if I am even thinking that? Or I would start to think how I could convince a man what a wonderful mother I would be to his children when I feel like I am such a crappy mother to my own kids...

Then I think about how I can't even feel like I can love anyone..how the heck can I love someone else...

yeah...then I go online and see if there is anyone new...I guess it doesn't hurt to look? It is nice to think there are people out there that have felt something similar to what I have experienced...at least they have an idea of how I feel...that part is nice...

Who knows?  I sure don't....sigh...life is not for wimps!

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...

Disassociation and Loving My Children...sigh...

Well...my daughter leaves on her mission in a couple of weeks...I am very excited for her!

Of course this means that she has been spending all kinds of time with me and seems to LOVE simply being around me...oh yeah...it figures...NOW she loves me :)  Now that she is leaving for 18 months....kids....

This started me thinking...(yeah...I can hear you say...EVERYTHING starts me thinking)...I started thinking about how I feel about my daughter...and I am realizing that my love for her is getting deeper...I am truly feeling connected to her...someone mentioned to her at the Temple that she didn't look like a 'first timer' and she was so proud of that...she responded..."Well..why should I be nervous...I went to prep class and you were right there taking care of me." That started me thinking about trust...and emotional connections...and how much I love my kids and the fact that I have always felt in the back of my brain that I didn't love my kids as much as other parents did...I know when they were little and other parents would miss their kids so much when they would leave them...like girls camp or whatever...I was never one to miss my kids...It just added to my list of things I was a failure at as a parent...

I am starting to wonder if I have been holding my kids 'at arms' length'?  Am I so afraid to love that I can't even love my kids?  Do I disassociate when my feelings for my kids gets too intense? Is part of my son's frustration (the one that lives with his father) with me the fact that he is extremely sensitive and feels that I don't love him?  Wow...that one could hurt deep...

I remember my counselor saying a long time ago..."I remember when I read your profile, I thought, here is a woman that thinks her divorce is all her fault." I think she told me that when I was trying to understand the depth of my X's addictions and their effects on me and our family. I am wondering if her opinion has changed since all my 'dirty laundry' has come into the light? I am SOOOO tired of feeling that everything is my fault...that I am all messed up...that I have all this 'work' to do to be stronger emotionally...that so much of my life is screwed up because of the abuse that happened to me...I just want to live my life...but I don't have my life because of all the 'baggage'....guess that means I better go to my counseling session tomorrow....

Counseling, Kids and "What the heck are you expecting?"

So...my oldest son (still a teenager) moved in with his dad...but hey...what teenager wouldn't want to move from a room he is sharing with 2 brothers to an apartment with his own room and basically no rules?  Can't blame him too much...gotta say...Part of me thinks it is a huge blessing since I am dealing with so much stuff I don't think I have the emotional energy to deal with him also...maybe the Lord is looking out for me...

Unfortunately, living with his dad means he 'hears' his dad a lot.  He is beginning to 'act' like his father more and more all the time...I am hoping that I am just 'over sensitive' to it and imagining it, that would be nice. He came over last night for Mother's Day...barely talked to me. He acts like he is no longer part of the other kids...I think part of him likes it and another part of him hates it. He told me on facebook the other night that I 'don't treat him like the other kids'. I ask him what he is expecting me to do? He starts in with 'I don't respect him' I said things about him in front of him to his counselor (this was over a year ago). Ok, first off..yeah...I probably said that to the counselor...but I would NEVER say that to the counselor in front of him...I'm not that stupid! He starts in with all his word twisting...it was weird...I suddenly stood up and was very intense and angry...it wasn't out of control...it was just extremely intense...I felt that I was yelling...but I didn't seem to be...

We were on our way over to a friend's house for dessert...I tell him..."You can make a choice...be respectful and polite and go with us or go back home to your dad's house." He tried to tell me I 'kicked him out' of the house...I kept re-stating that I was simply giving him a choice.  We finally left...his older sister decided to stay home with him...and I found out later that my son burst into tears as soon as I left...who'd a thought? They (my son and daughter) did come over just as we were leaving....which I gotta say...kind of surprised me.

We came back to the house and he actually came back in...he and his sister talked for quite a bit...she ended up taking him home - technically his dad was supposed to come pick him up...

My daughter came up to me and said she learned some things from him while they talked...she asked him if she could tell me and he said, "Whatever works". She then tells me...he isn't mad at you you know?  Really? This was a surprise...seriously...you can talk to me like that and still like me?  I just don't get it...

I remember when he was little...w hen he would get in trouble he would just keep up the attitude and behavior problems...it appeared like he could just not 'stop' his cycle of behavior.  I remember my daughter telling me, "I think he gets himself in a hole and doesn't know how to get out so he keeps fighting....I think she was quite inspired....

So...I am trying to figure out what to think...he is basically a great kid...he is EXTREMELY angry with me about the divorce (again, my X has not taken any responsibility whatsoever) and isn't able to handle really strong emotions. He is more sensitive than most kids about basically anything...I was 9 months pregnant with him when my nephew (17 years old) died suddenly. Plus, he seems to be very 'emotionally immature' so this is not a good combination...

His father has convinced him that counseling is stupid and he doesn't need it...although he seems to be letting his sister 'teach him' what she is learning in counseling...I guess I'll go with that for now...

Wow...my kids in some ways are soooooo messed up...in other ways are very together...in other ways confused...maybe they are more normal than not? I keep thinking about my daughter that is getting ready for her mission...she asked me, "Will things be better or worse when I come back?"  Oh my dear child, I will be praying everyday that they will be better!

Divorce is not for wimps!

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Am I turning into a monster?

Ok....
I tried to talk to a member of my bishopric last Sunday. My son that lives with his dad is blowing things out of proportion (who'd a thought that a young boy would misinterpret and get emotional, right?) saying the leaders in my ward don't like him...this is not the case...it is just that some things have come up and they have mentioned them and my son has blown them out of proportion.  My goal was to talk to him and ask him (and hopefully pass it on) to take a 'proactive' role and just let my son know he was welcome...I am not too sure I succeeded or not...

It turned into..."We grew up together and I want to talk to you as a friend" and that went off into..."You (me) made a mistake...you should have stayed with your X for your kids' sake...keep your enemies close...now your X can spend time with your kids and you have no control over what he does...blah blah blah"...he says how he doesn't know all the facts but that I made a mistake...that my kids are all screwed up now because of the divorce...he goes on to tell me how worried he is about that...

Yeah...not too sure how well I dealt with it...I felt like I was in control the entire time...I felt like I was focused...my daughter told me later she saw us talking and it looked like I was trying to beat him into a corner...that wasn't quite my goal :) He went on to say that his mother put up with abuse from his father and stayed with him for the kids' sake...I don't think that is always a good idea...but that is just my opinion...

I told him I was abused and I don't think he was even listening...we were both talking very intently...he is an 'orator' by profession and I don't think he is used to people in his face...but he was in mine too...I think we both just felt really strong about what we were saying...

It was crazy because then he was saying that I was attacking the bishop...that I came on really strong...and blaming the bishop for everything...that the bishop can't 'call my son in' because my son lives in another ward now...there is a really fine line and I am asking him to cross it...on and on and on and on..they can't MAKE my son want to live with me...I wasn't asking for any of that...all I wanted was for my son to feel welcome coming to my ward...I wanted the members/leaders to say (if they saw him) "Hey...glad you came...I hope you know you are always welcome"  That is all....

The more I thought about it...I think that they feel guilty for what has happened and so he thought I had come to him with a different agenda...that I was trying to get him to convince my son to come live with me...that I wanted the bishop to apologize and it was all his fault...wow...back to being invisible...you know?

I just wanted them to know that my son had misunderstood and nothing else had happened (no positive interactions) to change his mind...that doesn't seem like such a bad thing...

I think the hard thing is that they (bishopric) haven't had to deal much with divorce...they are afraid I am asking them to take sides...the old..."I don't know exactly what I can do...so I don't want to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing"

It is just so frustrating...every time the other kids invite my son to something it always turns into "the leaders hate me...they say I can't come...and well...you can imagine"..I admit my son it 'blowing it out of proportion' but if no one is saying anything different...he is just feeding his misconception...sigh...

Then I thought more about my so called 'friend in the bishopric' and thought..."What the heck?! What was the point of throwing in my face that you think I was wrong to divorce my X?" I certainly am not going back...you admitted you didn't know all the facts...you have no ecclesiastical authority..you're not my bishop...my home teacher...and what is to be gained?  Want me to feel like crap? Trying to show me you have some 'enlightened knowledge'?  Trying to make me grovel?

I finally came to the conclusion...I stood up for myself pretty good...if I take my 'new found inner strength and insight' I would say he felt intimidated...I don't think he is used to people standing up to him...and arguing with him...but he is the one that kept bringing back the fact..."We're friends...we grew up together...I care about you...etc..." I think I was matching his intensity...and I am sorry...you throw accusations around like that and people are going to react...

He gave me a hug at the end...and made a comment about "we can talk like this and still be friends, right?" And I guess we can...does make me wonder what the ward thinks of me...sigh...so much for 'appearing together and strong'...

I talked to my friend...and she made the comment that I was gaining some incredible inner strength...but that some people may not be used to it...I think she was gently trying to warn me not to turn into a monster...

The upside...I think my 'inner child' sensed that I stood up for us...and I think that was a good thing...

Was I invisible?

Ok...
I was doing EMDR stuff the other day and talking about issues with my brothers and she asked me how I was feeling when my mother died when my brothers and I had problems...and it kind of came around to me feeling 'invisible' because it was apparent that my desires were not a concern to anyone...sigh...it was nice to be able to 'label' what I was feeling...but it isn't a very good feeling...

Then I was talking to my counselor about not being comfortable yet with dressing nicer and feeling that I am drawing attention to myself. Talking about feeling that I am aware that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am worthy I am a definite 'presence'. People will look twice at me as I walk by...not in a 'wow you are hot' kind of way but...'who are you?  I sense something.' kind of way...I am not sure if I like it or not.

So...here I am pondering all these things and then it clicks...When I was being abused I felt that I could not say no or not participate...I was invisible...my opinion didn't matter...I was the person that tried to keep everyone happy...but my opinion was not very high on everyone else's priority list...that is why I am so self conscious...that is why I don't like drawing attention to myself..that is why when my mother died and I was in the middle of dealing with all of this I was not going to allow myself to be invisible...it is kind of weird when some of the balls I am juggling drop into place.

This is combined with being extremely sensitive to the emotions so I was always feeling guilty about everything...this person wants this...that person is sad...I should do something to cheer up this person..etc..
So I guess I came around to thinking that keeping others happy was more important than keeping me happy. Or if I wasn't keeping others happy I was miserable and feeling guilty...

As you can imagine...this reminded me of how long I have been going to therapy...let's just say it is more than a year or so :) and starting to wonder if I am crazy...

Then the counselor said something cool...she talked about how I was a good person that had a lot of stuff going on (boy is that the truth) and I was dealing with my stuff so I could better be in tune, so I could do and be what the Lord wanted. I really liked how that sounded...that is a lot better than thinking I am just crazy.

I talked about how I feel I have this wall between me and truly feeling the Spirit of the Lord. I wish I could 'blow it up' but I don't know how to do that either...

All and all I guess my counseling session today was better than it could have been. I was seeing a different counselor...my normal counselor had some family stuff and is gone for a few weeks...it was kind of fun in that this counselor doesn't know all my mind tricks...my disassociation (if she did notice she didn't say anything) I mentioned it a couple of times...but it was kind of fun to think that she didn't know how to read me as well as my normal counselor...a nice break.

Before I left...we were talking about the need to be strong in the last days...she said something that I am really trying to take to heart. She talked about the gathering armies for the last days...those that were gathering on both sides of the veil. She said she felt that I was getting my stuff taken care of so that I could better 'feel' so I could better follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost...and that I was being drawn to those armies because that is where I belong...it is a cool thought...

Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.

The Morning After Drama..I will deal with it on my own.

Ok...it is a new day...it is raining...washing all the old away...

I was thinking I should go to counseling...but my counselor had family stuff come up and is out of town for 2 weeks...I have talked to another counselor in the past..so I called this morning and was going to try and see her.  She usually works today...but...wouldn't you know it...she isn't in today.  I guess the Lord wants me to stretch and solve my problems myself...or at least with His help.  I wonder how I will do?

I am going to talk to a lawyer this morning. I have a 'one time' consultation through work, so I will do that and see what information I can get figured out.  At least it is a plan and something that has the potential to help me out.

I have been feeling calmer...I am still very frustrated with the whole scenario but I am trying to deal. I am going to the Temple tomorrow and I want to be in the right frame of mind to be ready for any insight or inspiration the Lord wants to send my way.

Here is a down side...I am (obviously) very sensitive to emotions and what is happening around me...well...my daughter is just as bad if not worse...she came in this morning truly upset...couldn't figure out why...saying how she could barely function...I joked that she just described how I felt (we have discovered that she is an emotional sponge) and I told her she needs to 'quit picking up my vibes'. So now, since I don't have enough guilt...I have to worry about messing up my daughter...sigh...I will say it makes me wonder if I was as sensitive as she was before my abuse. Kind of adds a new dimension to how much it would have messed me up and why my brain 'shut it out'.

So...where do I go from here?  I talked to my bishop last night...he said to not worry about money for my daughter's mission...I need to take care of my kids and if I need help they will help. That was nice...I was surprised how upset I became when thinking about how it will be harder for me to 'support' my daughter on her mission because of her father's actions. I am not sure if that is control issues or pride...

I pay HIM child support? Really? Well...it is worth it to not have to sleep with him.

Well...I am not too sure what to say...but I went to court again (I wish I could get 'frequent flyer' miles or something for all the time I have spent in that court room - I will say the security guys at the door don't recognize me yet so maybe it isn't as bad as it could be). My X has been unemployed for almost 10 months and since I now have 2 jobs he took me back to court to discuss child support. I informed the court that he was getting money from his mother...the judge asked him about it and my X said he isn't anymore since 'it had a negative effect on his child support'. The judge said, "Don't you realize your primary obligation is to provide for your family?" He didn't even get it...

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh!

I dressed up...and I do think it helped a little. The judge was trying to work it through the system...and I do think that I got a little more respect from him because I had made effort to look nice. (Side bar...I am trying to dress nicer...I am recognizing that if I have more respect for myself - others will respect me more also). As he figured out the child support (I have 2 jobs he has none) it started as me owing him $250 a month and the judge got it down to a little less than $100) It just makes me so mad I want to cry. It is so wrong...

I had a counseling appointment after...I figured I would need it...and yeah...I did...

I called my friend on my way to my appointment and we joked about it was worth paying him to be able to have the Spirit in my home and to not have to sleep with my X. He finally changed his 'facebook status' to single so maybe he is giving up on me 'coming back after I deal with my mental issue'. It is a good thing I have friends...or I don't know where I would be. She reminds me of how 'she warned me' what a jerk he would be...granted...that doesn't help me...but I will say I never thought he would be this bad...he seems to be so angry and in such a dark hole. I still don't think he is admitting any responsibility. I can't believe how easily he lies..He is taking a 'class' I can't figure out if it is one night a week or two...I think it is the 'Addiction Recovery Program' but I am not sure...maybe it is just counseling...man...he needs a  lot of it...and then some more...

I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants...and the Institute Manual states:

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

“The Church and its members are commanded by the Lord to be self-reliant and independent. (See D&C 78:13-14

“The responsibility for each person’s social, emotional, spiritual, physical, or economic well-being rests first upon himself, second upon his family, and third upon the Church if he is a faithful member thereof.

“No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family’s well-being to someone else. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Lord and with his own labors, he will supply himself and his family with the spiritual and temporal necessities of life. (See 1 Timothy 5:8.)” (In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, p. 124; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, pp. 77–78.)

Ok...gotta confess...I sent this to him in an email...my guess is I will get some rude 'something or another' back from him...probably not the most 'Christ like' behavior from me...but then again...I am up at 4am...

I am not responsible for him, he has family and resources...I should not be one of his resources... 

My bishop is being pretty cool...good thing I am a faithful member...

gotta say...I don't know where I would be if I wasn't a faithful member...maybe I'd be sucked down that black hole with him...man...what a mess that would be...

I have cried a few times this evening...while trying to figure out what part was making me cry I thought...a big part is that I was trying so hard to 'take care of myself' and it just keeps falling apart...so frustrating...

I know the Lord is aware of my needs...I know the Lord loves me...I know the Lord knows my daughter wants to go on a mission and is working hard to do her part...I guess I just need to 'know and remember' that the Lord has a plan...Faith...I guess I am still working on that First Principle of the gospel...