Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

Enhanced Memories

I had always told myself that I could have stopped my abuse. I told myself that I must have enjoyed it if I didn't stop it. I was abused by a boy next store that was my same age. I remember his mother would send him over to check on me after school before my older brothers came home from school. I was the youngest in my family, the only girl, and both of my parents worked. He also abused me while playing in the backyard and at his house. I always felt horrendous guilt that I was never good enough or 'clean enough' and that no one knew or understood my situation, therefore any compliments or criticisms were not valid since no one knew the whole story.
I have tried to remember how it started. I only remember many incidences over several years. I had convinced myself it didn't hurt and since it started before I was 8 years old I wasn't accountable. The fact that it continued beyond that point...that was a good guilt trip...when I wanted to convince myself I wasn't worthy of something.
I looked at pictures of myself from school wondering if I would be able to tell by my eyes when the abuse started...I looked at my kindergarten picture and I look so innocent...as I looked at the grades after that...that innocence I see is gone. I don't know for sure at this point..but I would guess it started around age 6 possibly age 7. The memories I have are in second and third grade...possibly fourth grade...then my family moved and it was no longer happening.
After I realized I had to 'deal' with my abuse because it was so damaging to me (about 7 months ago)..I had kind of a crazy weekend. I was reading the book Courage to Heal. I was relieved to read that other women that were recovering from childhood sexual abuse had many of the same feelings I did. I read about other women feeling guilty because their bodies reacted to the abuse in a 'natural way' (responding) so that they felt guilt thinking they must have enjoyed it. I had told myself that time and time and time again. It was so calming to realize that I was not 'messed up' to think that way. I also read about a girl abused by her little brother...she had always told herself that she could have stopped it, therefore it was not abuse and it was her fault for not stopping it. I also had this concern since the boy was smaller than me. I did push him away one time when he tried to actually have intercourse but I then turned into a 'passive zombie' and allowed him to do whatever he wanted for an hour or so...I told him he could do anything he wanted as long as he didn't make me have intercourse..so I didn't have to have intercourse...there was something about the change in his face and demeanor that terrified me. I remember when his penis touched my thigh and I just 'freaked'. I couldn't do it. Sometimes I think it is amazing that I was able to ever get married and have 5 children.
So...here I am reading this book(about 7 months ago)...hiding in my bathroom (it is hard to find a private place to read when you have a house full of kids) wondering about my abuse and what it all means. First I need to tell you that I believe in muscle memory (I took a massage class before I got married...I'll have to talk about that another time). So...sitting in the bathroom pondering my life...and all of the sudden I remembered how a specific incident I just mentioned felt. I went from remembering the incident as...I just let him touch my private parts and and put his finger inside me..no big deal...to...feeling pain and throbbing in my private area and remembering excruciating pain and holding back tears. I remember looking at the shelf terrified of what he was going to take off the shelf  (we were in my garage) and put inside me, the pressure as he put things in me, some things he would put in the freezer to make them cold and cause a bigger red mark, he would put sharp things between the folds of my skin and have me press my legs together and see how big a mark it would make, he would make me walk around the garage holding things between the folds of my skin. He would use anything he could find, screws, small tools, sharp objects, whatever he could find and put them inside me. I remember trying not to react or let him know how much it hurt for fear he would be mad at me (How messed up is that?)
So here I am (still in the bathroom 7 months ago) crying, trying to figure out what to do with this enhanced memory of what happened to me. Telling myself there is NO WAY IN HELL that I could have ever wanted that or liked it. I realized that all my memories of my abuse were wrong and I had no point of reference to understand what I had felt or happened. I remember then feeling numb.  It was the weirdest thing. I think my brain just couldn't process it and it just shut down. My guess is it is similar to what happens in therapy when my counselor asks me questions that I subconsciously don't want to answer. I was getting ready for bed that night...still feeling so numb and scared since I had never felt that way before. I remember feeling that I understood now why people would want to cut themselves. People that are in so much emotional pain they feel nothing and want to feel something so the cut themselves to feel physical pain. I called a friend and she chatted with me for quite a while. I didn't do anything stupid and I was glad that my kids were with their dad that weekend.  I have never felt that 'low' since but I am also more aware of when my emotions start going down that trail and I will do something to stop it. Reading the scriptures helps. Get up and go do something with my kids, turn on the TV. There are many things I can do to divert my attention if I ever get those feelings again.
I did (and still do) struggle with trying to figure out how to honor my feelings and not go crazy...but it is possible. It just takes practice..So I keep practicing....I think one of the better pieces of advice from my counselor on this one was, "You can lovingly put your emotions in 'timeout' and come back later to deal with them when it is a better time." That helped me to feel I wasn't ignoring or 'dishonoring' the emotions but doing something so I could function at work or with my kids or whatever.
I sometimes worry I will get more memories, I am worried I will not be in a good place to 'process' them if they do come. Then I worry about what if I never know how my abuse began. You can probably tell...I worry a lot.
So...I want to know how it began...I want to understand what happened...I want to honor the child I was that was not protected...I don't really know how to do it...but I am saying my prayers...going to counseling...trying to learn how to better listen to the Holy Ghost when he is talking to me and most importantly I am still moving forward. Some days...that is the best I can do.