Guess what? I still have baggage. Sigh.

So I have been married for several years now. Our kids are mostly on their own and functioning decently well. COVID obviously did a number on us as well as the rest of the world.

I have had a lot of changes in the past few years and I am sorry to say that I still have baggage.

I am overly sensitive to feeling controlled.

I have lost a brother now and I think I am experiencing more 'abandonment issues' than I realized lately.

Man, it just seems that the world has become a hot mess, ya know?

It just seems so hard to maintain healthy and positive self-esteem in today's world.

I decided that I need to get back to writing in my 'glad journal' and keep trying to focus on the many wonderful things that I have in this life.

I had blocked my blog for a bit - but I decided to make it public again. Maybe it will help me to know that I am not alone in my struggles.

If you are struggling out there - know that you are not alone.

Remember that you are stronger than you think you are.

Remind yourself that you matter to more people than you realize.

Be kind to yourself!

Dealing with intimacy issues while dating...or preparing to date...

So...we have spend many hours talking about pretty much anything.

I was joking with him one time...that we could talk about anything...Anything I said?  Anything. How about menopause?  He laughed and said, "We can talk about hemorrhoids if you want."

I can't describe how fun it is to have the conversation go from church to kids to intimacy to kids to work to kids...it just is so much fun...we laugh about how we can talk forever! I can feel myself opening up to him...connecting to him...I think of all the emotions I used to have as a kid...feeling that I could look at people - gaze into their eyes and truly feel their emotions and understand them at a level deeper than most people even realize exists. And that has begun with him...we joke about me finishing his sentences...we will be messaging and occasionally he will say, "Get out of my mind woman!" and we both laugh...it feels so good to be connected with someone..to just to be able to 'feel' and know that I am alive and living...I don't know if that makes any sense...but for me...it is vital.

So...back to intimacy...
Sigh...yeah...I keep talking about it with him...I remember one time I said, "I really am not a pervert...I just need to talk about this." He responded..."Of course, I understand with my intellect what your needs are, you need to feel safe." wow...my mouth about dropped open on that one...

So...why do I need to talk about intimacy so much?

Because if I marry My Man...I want to be present and feel everything there is to feel. I want to be able to truly love him...in every aspect...emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. I want to be able to give my all to my husband and lover.

Therefore...
I need to know how he will touch me...
Is his touch demanding something...or is it giving...
How he will react if I don't want to do something.
(My Man has said, you can tell me no. My ex told me no a lot...I'm used to it)
How he will ask me to do things.
What he will want to do...
I want to feel that we are doing something together...not him doing something to me..if that makes any sense...
How patient will he be...
What if I am not ready for intercourse the minute we get to our hotel after marriage...

I talked to him about how I have had times where I kind of 'space out' when being intimate and I don't want to do that with him...So, one of the first times we were kissing...his face was close to mine...and he was holding me...and kissing me softly and whispering..."Stay with me." Sitting here writing this it brings tears to my eyes...realizing how much he wanted me to be 'present'. He isn't just trying to 'get off' on his own personal thrill, he wants to bring me pleasure and joy...he wants to share intimacy with me. He wants to be intimate with me. He wants me to feel loved and desired and cherished and respected. I don't think I need to tell you that being with My Man is a whole different world and I think I like it.

You know what the best part of this particular time in our relationship is?
He wants to make me happy. I can feel that he is the type of man that feels more like a man when he can care for a woman and make her feel loved. It is almost like he is getting excited about being able to help me feel comfortable enough to relax and enjoy intimacy. (It kind of reminds me of when I took my massage class before I married - in the hopes I would get over some of my touch issues. All my classmates wanted to give me a massage because they wanted to see if they could do it in a way that I was comfortable - it was pretty obvious that I was extremely conservative...lol)  He so WANTS to 'please me' and it makes him feel like more of a man to care and please his woman.

Wow...how lucky can I get? All that and brains too...oh...and his hairy chest (sorry - I know he will read this and I do love a good hairy chest.).

I have been thinking the last few days about if we are going to end up committed for eternity (we have decided that if we marry we will have an engagement long enough to try and get a cancellation of my sealing to my ex - I am understanding we will need at least 3 months) that I need to be willing to let him go if that is what the Lord wants for me. I don't know if that makes sense either...one of those...if you love them set them free...kind of moments. It makes me feel that if I can go to the Lord and say if the Lord has a different plan for me - I will follow it. If I can do that...then if we commit...it will be by choice and with the blessing of the Lord. I am pretty sure that is what we both want.

Wish me luck!

How would it feel to be equally yoked? Is better all I want? Or do I want the best the Lord can give?

So...I'm still dating My Man...well..kind of dating...since we have been doing nothing but chatting for almost 2 months...lol!

We have been talking a lot and we have both discussed that the Lord is in charge and trying to help us. He made a comment once that he feels impressed that he needs to not pressure me and give me time to accept a relationship with him.  This was kind of surprising to hear...after all, I have been dating for over 2 years and I want to marry...what is he talking about?

Then I began to understand...

You see..in case you haven't noticed...I have some intimacy issues...and dating someone that I felt would just follow me around like a puppy dog (Make Out Dude) or a man that has commitment issues that I connected with intellectually but isn't into the church far enough (Movie Dude) is one thing. To have a relationship with a man that I feel is equal to me in so many ways, that wants to commit to me and values the Temple and what it stands for...is a whole new ball game.

I have had several conversations with my girls about 'intellectually compatible' and man...can I see the blessings of it with My Man. Chatting has become so fun...the word plays - innuendos - sarcasm (with kindness) and just basic jokes...the wit and speed of the conversations..I feel the intellectual stimulation and it just lights up my brain. It is like a whole new world of awareness and challenge...ok...his vocabulary is bigger than mine..for example..today...portends...really?  Does anyone use that word in regular conversation?  Granted when I goggled it there were many references to crossword/scrabble usage..But I must say...kinda like the mental challenge...

Then, the gospel...he has a totally cool conversion story...found the church on his own as a teenager and has been faithful his entire life...it means something to him...his relationship with his Father in Heaven exists and is extremely important to him. I have heard he is a fabulous Gospel Doctrine teacher...hmm...that could be fun. I remember how when I would give talks with my ex...I would usually talk most of the time and give minimal to him...he would always be nervous and talk in a monotone...I was usually very energetic and engaging...I would get lots of compliments and he would feel inferior...how nice would it be to feel that we are both are strong in the gospel and comfortable sharing our testimonies...wow...I like how I imagine that would feel.

He loves his kids...he has 3 kids...most older than mine but not by much...I remember him asking me if I would be a mother to his kids. Since she walked out on all of them...wow...that kind of made me sit and think...I do love my kids...I did always wish I had married sooner and had more kids...I have learned so much with my kids, I am finally to the point of...I just want them to know that I love them and that the Lord is there for them...always. If I can do that I will die happy.  I could do that with his kids...so sure...why not...and MY kids...they long for more family (my ex's family is good - but they don't click with their cousins) my family doesn't talk to me any more..at least my brothers with kids their ages. So yeah...my kids are pumped that he has kids...and 2 grandkids...under the age of 2. My kids are REALLY excited about that.  His kids? They always wanted more...one of his kids made the comment..."She has 5 kids?  That'd be cool!"

In fact...since we haven't been able to date...our kids have come around to being very supportive of our relationship - I think they feel sorry for us that we can't date and want to see us happy. So that is a definite plus of not dating :)

So...now we come to my issues...sigh...
I would like to think that I don't have any issues...but yeah...that obviously isn't the case...
I asked him how much he wanted to know about me...he said, as much as a person can know about someone else...so I told him about this blog.  He said that he would take time and read it...and he did.

Guess what he said? Movie Dude mentioned that I had a lot of issues and it was holding him back. So yeah...I was a little nervous that I told him about this blog...

His response?
Wow..you are so amazing!  You should write a book! It is so wonderful that you have been able to find these men that could help you grow and process to prepare you to find a man and marry.

Ok..seriously?  You aren't freaked out at all? You don't see all my crap as baggage too heavy to deal with?  wow...maybe he is the one?

He told me how his ex wife had been abused and he understood what I would need to feel safe and secure...what I would need to feel loved. I joked that I don't think the Lord could have prepared a better man for me...his response?  He got a little emotional and said that all the things that he had put in his 'damaged column' I am telling him make him a better partner for me...he can't believe it.

We both have realized that our previous marriages did not have any kind of emotional connection. There were different reasons why that was lacking...but the outcome is the same. We both struggled for many years in a marriage that was not equally yoked and we are now realizing how much more can exist in a marriage and in a relationship and what it means to have a partner at your side.

I find myself talking about intimacy a lot...ok...more than A LOT..because it is almost all I can see...I almost feel like...as long as he can love me..who cares...I will be fine...look what I put up with for so many years. I was talking to another single friend...she was saying...just because it is better than your marriage..doesn't mean it is right. Her marriage was probably worse than mine...she often jokes that I am better at being 'divorced' because my divorce became final in 6 months and she has been trying to finalize her divorce for over 7 years. She then said...dog crap is better then our marriages...just because it is better...doesn't mean it is what the Lord has in store...you deserve so much better than what you had. Wow...it really made me stop and think...she is right...I do need to take the time to make sure it is right and what the Lord wants.

So many people are telling me to 'go slow' 'make sure you really get to know him' 'get in an argument' etc....and since we haven't had a lot of time to be in the same physical space...they are right...we need to make sure that we love on a daily basis as well as be lovers.

Eternity is a long time...we can take some time to know that we are sure...

It's been awhile...my kids are surviving...

I haven't posted in awhile...
I guess that is a good thing?
I have been very busy with my kids...my daughter came home from her mission...she and her sister shared an apartment at school. It has been so wonderful to see them both interact, support each other, love each other..want to find a man and marry...(I must say I am very glad they WANT to marry..granted they are a little worried and don't want to rush into anything...but they WANT to marry).
My oldest son is doing well, has an awesome job (just graduated from high school) and is planning on going on a mission in about a year.
My 2 younger boys are surviving quite well also...

I think it has been my 'reprieve/break' for a bit.I know my work was getting pretty crazy last spring (I'm a teacher) and it has been good to have some down time.I am not sure how long it will last - but I am not going to complain.

So...what have I learned?
That time does make things better. I just had a quick conversation about porn with my 16 year old son. I was able to say that I don't want to be 'passively ignorant' about it but it is difficult to talk about for obvious reasons. He just smiled at me and said, "Yeah." Yes, the international teenage phrase for...I get it...it's alright. It made me feel good that I could say something and that he could look me in the eye and say that he knows and stays away from it. I am sure I need to continue to be vigilant..but I am making progress.

I remember asking my girls if I should have stayed with their dad...and they said, "NO, then we would have thought what you and dad had was normal and good." Good point....

My girls talk about how different they perceive marriage - the priorities they have when looking for the right man to share their life with...I really think they understand what an emotional connection is and the importance of having it in a healthy relationship.

My good friend (old roommate) and I have talked alot about losing parents. Her father just died and I have been overwhelmed with reminders of how much my parents loved me and how much I can still feel that love today. It is a huge blessing in my life. I have never felt alone, and I thank the Lord for that...He truly is there for me and for all of us. He loves us and has a plan.

I see my kids interact - argue - giggle and laugh - love each other - want to be there for each other - and I am grateful. I would like to think that the experiences over the last few years has brought them closer together. I know that with my one son moving out -- my daughters going away to school - they all know that they have to TRY if they want to get along and have a relationship. I like to think that they will be closer as adults because they already understand that good family relationships take time and energy. Maybe that is a good thing?

I can only hope and pray that it is....

Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

I want more privacy? Really? Now? I don't want to be alone any more...

I haven't written much for the last few months, I am not sure exactly why. I would like to think that in part it is because I have healed quite a bit. I feel stronger. I am more confident. That's a good thing, right?

I am still dating movie dude...I really care for him. I wish he was more 'in' at church but I know that I can't make him go to church. We will see where that goes.

I will say that I truly want to find someone and become companions and more. I want to share my life with him. I want to belong and bond to him. Part of this is Movie Dude's fault...I do kind of like him. He is helping me to realize even more what a 'real' relationship would be like and I want one.

One thing that was weird is that I still talk to my Online Guy every now and then. He has started dating someone so I haven't been texting him as much. He texted me the other day and asked if I was pulling away and moving on. We had a 'discussion' (if you can call texting a discussion) about where boundaries should be if one of us is in a committed relationship with someone. He was trying to say that we could still be friend and talk. He talked about the trust he and the girl he is dating have with each other. I was telling him that once one of us is engaged it is down to Christmas cards (like I really send those) and hi on occasion. He seemed to feel different.

I've been thinking about that and for me it isn't about trust...it is about wanting to bond to my man. It is about wanting to have such a special place for him that friendships with other men have no interest for me. I was feeling that my ability to truly commit to a man has deepened and I am glad. Sometimes I feel that if/when I marry and I am working on my relationship it will be a labor of love. I have looked around a lot these last few years and I can see in the faces of others the struggles that they have over come together and the depth it adds to their relationship. I want that.

I think sometimes that I am insane to think I could bring a man into my life...for one I have a horrible time cleaning my house...it is no pig sty...but I am just so exhausted all the time and I just don't have the energy...between having 2 jobs and my kids and trying to date...house cleaning has taken a bottom step..can you blame me?

Then I think about how working together through it all will be hard, fun, loving, happy, crabby, tiring, and deeper and richer than anything I have experienced in my life to this point. I want to do it.

I do feel some stirrings in my life...so who knows?

I have chatted a few times with a man that lost his wife suddenly, it has been a few years but he is still grieving...and understandably so. He says he wants to date and marry again...but he has kept his life full with his children and has no time. Then I wonder if I will always be thinking 'maybe if I waited'....I don't want to do that.

I was talking to a friend...he said that his friend married a woman that was not a member of the church and he married her because he loved her. Not because he wanted her to be something different, join the church after 6 months or anything...he married her because he loved her. He then asked me if I was ready to give up my dream of a temple marriage to marry him.  Good question...

But I keep telling myself that he wants to be strong in the church...and it is hard for a single man with no kids to remain active. At least he hasn't made any huge mistakes and lost his recommend...he just hasn't got one yet...

Sigh...

Well...on the up side...I am seeing some amazing progress with my kids...I guess time really does make a difference. My daughter is coming home from her mission soon. My other daughter is off to school and growing spiritually by leaps and bounds...it is truly incredible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is aware of my needs. I know it! I know that I will have all that I desire if I can just stay true...I just need to stay on the path!

Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.

I am comfortable in my own skin...it is a good thing.

I have been reflecting on the fact that the last few months have felt pretty good to me. I am surviving the challenges of my X and my kids aren't driving me crazy...it is a good thing. :)

My X got a gym membership and all my kids are now members...I decided to join (a friend pointed out that it would help me to stay close to my boys) and I think it is a good thing. What has been interesting is that I have never been a 'gym goer'. I am not opposed to exercise...In fact I quite enjoy walking and such. But to sit and 'do exercises' has never been a big dream.

Well...that is changing. It is almost weird. I have enjoyed working out. I really enjoy it when I can go with my daughter and we talk and chat about how it makes us feel good. She talks about how she just wants to feel better about herself. I have to laugh sometimes when she will encourage me, telling me that 'you can go farther than you mind thinks you can mom...just distract yourself'. Then we both laugh at how we need more than an hour to do all the exercises that we need to do.

It dawned on me the other day while doing a 'hand bicycle' type exercise that I was enjoying the feeling of my body. It was kind of surprising....I was enjoying the feel of my muscles stretching and working. I was enjoying the strength I was beginning to feel and the power inside of me. It is a good feeling. I keep thinking about how my counselor friend told me that if I truly 'healed' I would be comfortable in my own skin and be able to 'stand tall and breathe' and I guess that is what I am feeling.

The other up side to it is that I can sit and listen to the scriptures or conference talks. Did you know that on the 'LDS Gospel Library' app you can search under 'institute' and find the CES firesides?  They are truly incredible. I will confess that I am not 'super attentive' to what I am listening, but I sure love the feeling it gives me and that makes me happy.

I am still dating 'movie dude'. I am not sure where it is going to go, and that is ok. I do not have to know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that it feels good to be around and with him. Maybe I am just to help him become a little stronger in the church? I don't know...But I am going to just follow the path that is ahead of me until I feel different.

I did warn him...'hooking up with me' is not going to be an easy road. I know that I will always have challenges in my life...getting married is not going to stop that. PLUS I have a 'psycho X' and 5 kids. He really needs to think about it...

I think the biggest improvement I can see for me is that I am 'calm' and feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. I know the Lord is there for me and will always be there for me. If I can't feel Him, than I need to move closer. I don't think I have ever felt this centered in my life...it is a good feeling and I want to keep it...forever...