Dating, Love, Marriage...where am I now?

Ok...I've been dating movie dude for about 4 months. I enjoy his company, he spoils me (as far as taking me out to nice restaurants, opening doors, helping me on with my coat, etc.) and I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy his company. I do think it would be very hard for him to marry someone with children because he has been single for so long. He has made a very nice life for himself and is busy and happy for the most part. So....we are dating and enjoying the companionship of each other...I guess that is good, right?

So where am I in all of this?  For one, I am better understanding how big a change it would be to me and my kids if I remarried. If I brought a man into my house to be with me and my kids, it would take a lot for everyone to work together and get along....sigh...this is certainly not where I was last summer when I was dreaming of getting together with my online guy...I am hoping it is because I am better understanding what it all means and not chickening out.

I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I am grateful for that. I think I am still messed up as far as feeling and desires to be intimate and being comfortable being intimate. I think I slide too quickly into 'me controlling the intimacy' and not being able to just 'relax' and let someone 'come to me' if that makes sense. I don't know what I can do about that but just continue to be aware and try to relax more. I think I focus on what I am doing and tune out if I am being touched or kissed. I have wondered if I need to talk to a counselor about it, but I don't think that will help. I am really coming to the conclusion that I just need to find that someone that loves me and I can trust completely and together we will figure it out. I really hope that is the case because I am tired of thinking I am screwed up and need to see a counselor again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with counseling...believe me..I have certainly had my share...I just want to feel that I am learning to better deal with all my stuff and that I can handle things.

I will say that movie dude is hesitant to share personal information and I am realizing what an impact that has on how quickly the relationship progresses. That has been interesting for me to understand. He will ask me questions sometimes...like.."Have you dated other men from online?" and then he will say, "You don't have to answer that." and I realize that I don't have to answer that. And it is nice that I am able to do that. I am wondering if that is part of me overcoming the 'victim' mentality that thinks I have to do everything people tell me. So it is empowering to me to know that I don't have to, and sometimes I don't. I am not lying and I am not being dishonest. I am just learning that I don't have to do something just because someone asks or tells me to.  I am thinking that is nice...

So..where am I now?  I guess I am exactly where I want to be...and I think that is a good thing!

So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

What is intimacy? What is making love? What is affection? And how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference?

Ok...I have no idea what I am feeling and it is making me crazy...ok...not crazy but I wish I better understood my emotions.

With my online guy we talked about intimacy and sex...mostly I was the one doing it...I needed to process what it 'could be' not what it was in my marriage. It became 'palatable' to me. At the time we were talking it all seemed to blur together...sex...intimacy...love...caring...listening...thinking of lying with someone sharing your inner most secrets while sharing your bodies and everything that is sacred between the two of you...it seemed such a wonderful fantasy. Granted you need to be married to do all that but I think you know what I mean. Both of you trying to please the other and feeling joy because the other is happy and feeling loved. It was a very different experience for me..yet I know it was also fantasy because we were not married and we were not even in the same town. sigh...

Then I went out with my 'make out' guy and tried to figure out what I was feeling when I was kissing, etc. I tried to figure out if I was 'sinning' and I needed to repent. I tried to figure out why there was no guilt. I wondered why I loved 'kissing and hugging' yet it was giving me no desire to have sex. It was not arousing feelings that I needed to control or stop. So does that make it bad? I wondered what I would think (ok..I didn't wonder very long) if my children were doing the same thing. But it just seems too different. I realize 'the law of chastity' applies to everyone..but there must be something about 'arousal'. If I am not 'arousing' feelings and desires to have sex it is bad? Is it because I was married for so long and would have sex and other serious intimate experiences and then get up the next morning and go to church? Therefore it was not the same thing as teenagers arousing feelings they have never experienced?

One night when I was with my 'make out' guy he was laying across my lap and I had my arms around him. We weren't doing anything wrong...and as I felt him relax I just felt this connection to him...realizing that intimacy was 'nice'. I know that might sound weird...but it is the only way I can think of to describe it. The other weird thing is that I can do it for hours...literally hours and not be aroused or desire to have sex. It just feels so nice to 'feel'. So maybe that is what it is...feeling...feeling that someone cares about me...feeling that someone wants to love me and make me happy. Feeling that connection to another human being. I asked him if it is different for him to be with me and he said yes. I asked him why and he talked about feeling that I cared about him without judging...that I wanted to 'please him' I ask him what he likes...what feels good...that I want him to be happy. It is sad that it is such a 'new' experience for him also. It makes me wonder how few 'stable' people are wandering the earth.

So then I go out with another guy...he does the very 'chaste' kiss at the end of our dates and a quick hug. It almost makes me feel like a slut because I think of all the things I would like to be doing with him. Then I start to wonder if I am a sex addict. He is telling me how respectful he is of women and I am wondering how it would feel to have his arms around me and kiss me deeply. Sigh...

To make it worse...then I want to go see my 'make out' guy. I have new insight to those girls that would date several different boys...but I am hoping it is different for me because I am not telling them I love them. I don't know if I am leading them on or not...I don't know where I am going so I don't see how I can be leading them anywhere...

Then I think back to when I got a dog...my counselor friend was telling me that it wasn't fair to the dog to have him be my 'emotional blanket' and then just stick him in a crate when I had other things to do. Is that what I am doing to my 'make out' guy? I have been honest...after our last date I told him that I obviously had some intimacy issues. I told him that all I wanted to do when I was with him was to make out...I just want to kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I can't think of anything else. The desire to 'do that' is so overwhelming I can't focus on anything else. So what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we just showing affection to each other? Are we just letting each other know that someone cares? We are keeping clothes on and not touching private parts of each others' bodies...so does that still make it wrong or are we just helping the other to be happy?

I think about why I don't sense or feel any 'red flags' and I wonder if part of my 'feeling broken' is also feeling violated. I feel like everything has been done to my body so what does it matter if something similar is done and I actually enjoy it?

My online guy tells me I need to 'grab life by the horns' and once I leave my past behind I will be able to commit and love someone. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I wonder if my 'making out' counts as 'grabbing life by the horns'?  What do you think?

I think I would be a fool to commit to someone right now. I need time to figure out my feelings and emotions. I need to be able to think and process how my body is reacting and what my heart needs. Sometimes I wonder how much I am enjoying it...and how much is just 'feeling' a strong sensation and I am drawn to the feeling because it is new?

So...yeah...I am still seeing my counselor...I would really like to figure all this stuff out...sigh...

Maybe I need to go 'make out' for a few hours to clear my head...ha ha ha...sigh...

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

Opening My Heart Affects Everything.....

I am still communicating with my 'online guy' and wondering about it...I know, big surprise, huh?

I do think that I am developing more trust in him...and that is a marvelous thing. Does this mean I won't get hurt, no. But it does mean that I am willing to 'put my heart' out there and see what happens.

I will say that I am feeling myself change in a good way. I was sitting in church yesterday...I have been praying lately to be able to 'better hear' what the Lord is trying to tell me...ok, I'll be honest I've been praying about that for awhile...maybe months?  I guess it is a 'work in progress'...

Anyway...as I was sitting in church...I was just feeling how much I loved my kids and the speakers were all talking about the Trek...and I could see my 2 kids that were on the Trek really listening..and feeling the Spirit. As I sat there I was so grateful for the ability I had to be able to 'see outside myself' and be aware of what my kids were feeling.

I was talking to 'my guy' and discussing how things were 'different' and he made the comment that no one had ever listened to me before...I told him that I had very good friends that listen...and he smiled and said, 'I mean in a relationship.' Ok..I'll give him that one...my relationship experiences with men that would listen to me and could express their feelings about me to me...yeah...that kind of hasn't happened yet.  The key to this thought is 'yet'.

I remember when I first started thinking I needed to 'look for a man' one of the thoughts were that if I could 'open my heart' to a man that it would also allow me to 'better love my children'. I don't know why I thought that...but it just made sense. I remember when I was realizing how much of my heart had shut down because of my abuse...that when I started remembering..I couldn't remember just the good, I had to also remember the bad. So I guess that is why I was thinking that if I was going to love a man...it would open my heart and help me to better love my children. Having him 'truly listen' to me has made me so much more aware of how I need to 'truly listen' to my children. The more I think about this..the more I will be eternally grateful that I have met my 'online guy' and that he helped me to open up my heart.

I feel different now...I am not sure exactly what is happening...I am not sure exactly why...but I think I am finally starting to feel 'comfortable in my own skin'. As I was working over the weekend...and I was walking around...looking at people...more aware of eye contact...really 'looking' at who they are and how they are doing. I got joking around with some of my co-workers and I realized that they were being drawn towards me...they were all laughing and smiling...and just having fun. I thought about how it had been awhile since I have been that way...and it felt really good. I am not 'freaking out' so much wondering what others are thinking of me...man it feels good.  Don't get me wrong...I have a ways to go...and I am not oblivious to what people are thinking or feeling about me...I am just not 'worried' about it and I am noticing that I am getting closer to where I want to be.

Oh..did I tell you...my counselor is going to change offices...so...looks like I am weaning myself off counseling also...I guess I am making progress...

If you are reading this and struggling with issues...whether they are like my issues or not...please Don't give up!

Life is a struggle...I know that...I have struggled...I am struggling...but if we can just 'stay true' to knowing who we are...a child of God...born of royal birth...with unlimited potential..and now that yeah...sometimes life just SUCKS...but we just gotta keep going...keep that eternal perspective...and we will make it..

One of my friends was talking to me...she knows about my blog...I told her I was doing better...and that she could read my blog if she didn't believe me...she said, "I don't need to read your blog to know that you are doing better...I can see it in your face."

Healing feels good...

Online dating, chatting, messaging, texting, etc....

So...I've been looking online for a month or so...Wow..there are a lot of guys out there!

It is interesting what I can pick up from their responses...I have found that if I say something about their picture...they will then look at my profile and sometimes message me. I am having fun with this quite a bit. For example...I saw a profile of a man that was 20 years younger than me...I message and say, "Here's to hoping you like older women!" Well..I got a message back a few days later..."Do you like younger men?" Ok, I know it isn't even a smart thing to think about...but I gotta say...I was having some fun there for a bit.

Then you know what I realized?  I was smiling more...I started joking with my kids more.  I was happier.  Maybe opening my heart up to the idea of having a man in my life would make it easier to love my children. Maybe it isn't possible to close off a section of your heart and not have it affect other parts as well. Maybe I would be able to open up my heart and love a man...if that man was the right man....maybe...

So...dating at my age (let's just say most of the men had grandchildren) is a whole new ball game. My friend gave me some counsel...she said, "There is less rejection at our age because everyone is just looking for a good fit...so it is more of a...Nawh...I don't think it will work. With neither one wanting to deal with another 'mismatch'" So...here I go...

I have messaged some guys...chatted with some others...and actually talked on the phone with some. Crazy how fast it turns into...well...I don't want to get married yet...too soon after my divorce, death of my spouse, etc. Or...well...this might work...we have lots of things in common.  Completely different world...

So...where am I right now?  Well...I am talking to a guy quite a bit...we both have baggage (who doesn't nowadays?) and the best part about him?  He listens to me...truly listens...and just talking to him and having him listen...is making my heart open. He talks about how he would treat me...he tells me I can ask him anything I want (I think I have asked him about 200 questions - and he has answered every single one...not been crabby, moody or annoyed..he answers and then says, "What else do you want to know?"...and it is a whole different world from the one I have been living in. And so now I am wondering...it is real?  Is this the 'love and passion' that other people have in their relationships?  People that don't have 'touch issues' and everything else that messes with your ability to have healthy relationships?  Or....is this just the tip of the ice berg?  And it can be so much better...I can't even fathom it...

Am I scared.?  yes.
Am I worried I will screw up my life again?  yes.
Am I afraid of having a man come towards me that is 'reeking' sexual energy?  yes.
If it happens (I meet a man that is attracted to me) will I run away like I have all my life?  no, I want to live the life I was meant to live...I want to love with all the love inside of me...to share it with someone that will give it back and maybe even more. In order for this to happen I will have to open up my heart and feel and get hurt and be afraid and not run.  I don't think the Lord helped me to come all this way to have me fail...so...wish me luck!

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!

Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

Counseling makes me crazy!

Ok...my counselor was on vacation...so I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks. I have been seeing her once a week for over 6 months..I probably missed a week here or there for holidays...but not many.  My guess is it has been a very relaxing 3 weeks for her...I felt that I was doing pretty good...until now. I have my appointment tomorrow...

I just don't get why I can't figure out the rules of the client/therapist relationship. I get angry and frustrated all the time and have all these conversations in my head with her and I usually end up getting mad at her for whatever comes to mind. It is like everything she says is going to make me angry...sometimes I think it is because I want her to care about me...so I want to make her mad so she then communicates that she cares I guess?  Man it makes me feel messed up...I guess it is all the boundaries crap I just can't get...

I feel that there is so much to talk about...I called and asked if I could have 2 hours scheduled...the secretary called back and said she wants to stay with one hour...this, of course makes me think I drive her crazy and she can't stand to talk to me. Then I wonder if she just hates the days that I come to see her...if the times she suggested I go and see someone else if it was because she really doesn't want to talk to me...then I wonder if maybe she does like me and wants to help but it is part of the whole 'boundary' crap and she knows that I won't get stronger if I don't have the ability to stand on my own two feet. She can't be my friend and I hate going into her office and wondering if she is going to be open or if she is going to have her 'emotional wall' up and sit there and watch me freak out? It reminds me of the time I was griping to her about 'her having her wall up' and she says, "Do you have any idea the energy you bring in here?"  Of course I respond yes...but I really don't...I have no idea how my energy is perceived...I do get the drift that I have quite a wide spectrum of energy...but even that is based on what?  My perspective...and what is that?  What is my point of reference?  I have no idea...

I sit and think what I am going to say tomorrow..everything from when she opens the door and says hi...to when I have to walk down the hall to her office...I am just glad it isn't very far...I want to say so many stupid, smart aleck things...and what is the point of that?  What good will that do me?  If I try to be mature for a minute I realize that she is a counselor, it is her job to listen to me and help me figure out ways to better deal with my emotions...so..is she supposed to be my friend?  no...it is just weird to try and figure out how I can share all my secrets with someone and have that person not mean anything...

I am trying to figure out if I should discuss some of the sacred things I have experienced this last week...so I send her an email and ask if her office/building has been dedicated like the churches are? My counseling friend talks about how her office is a sacred place because people share their innermost thoughts and that each person deserves respect as a child of God. I figured that would be a reasonable question...her office is part of LDS Services next to DI so I was wondering if the buildings were dedicated...but no response..

That made me mad...granted I used to send a ton of emails but I don't anymore...and it was a simple question...why couldn't she just answer it?  She made the comment a couple of visits back when she said I was acting like a kid...then she said she expected it because a lot had been happening...and it was no big deal..well..I am thinking I am really going to be acting like a flippin idiot tomorrow...I feel that I want to be true to my feelings...but I would also like to act as if I have some sort of control of my emotions...

Ahhhhhhhh.....I hate it when I get like this!

Then I want to just shut down and not say anything...but that doesn't help either...then I get her lecture of 'why do you come to counseling?' 'What do you want to get out of therapy?'

How the hell should I know what I want? I'm screwed up, remember? I just don't want to feel this way anymore...that's what I want...

Man...some days I wonder if I will ever get out of therapy...

Ok...I have been thinking about it...I am glad I am going to counseling...it is just hard...but then...(of course) my counselor did say it would be hard...nothing like being warned...

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...

Searching for my abuser..."I wouldn't do it!"

I am frustrated that I can't remember how my abuse started. I just know some of the horrible things that boy did to me and I can't figure out how I allowed it. I just can't believe that he could have done the things he did to me without something else happening before that. I am sure he was being abused...he couldn't come up with all that stuff on his own..I don't see how I could have been 'under his power' to that extend without something happening before that....some type of trauma or horrible experience...

I wanted to sit down with someone and go over all my family members and family dynamics and see what I can come up with. I tried to see if I could see my counselor...but she just left on vacation for 2 weeks. I tried to see if I could visit with another counselor that works in the same place, the one that helped me with the 'tappers' and she is also not available for the next week or so. I guess the Lord wants me to take care of this one myself...

I got thinking of a distant relative that I remember my mother said had molested his step daughters and a few other women in my family that I think or know were abused...it was a little disturbing to think it was more than 2 of us. It is funny how you perceive your family to be so awesome and together...then sometimes you look a little closer and it can be disturbing....sigh...it does make me wonder if there are any families that exist that are 'untouched by abuse'?

I called the wife of a cousin that is in this family and talked to her...it was so great to be able to open up to someone. She seemed so knowledgeable about abuse, I finally asked her how she knew so much and she reminded me that she used to work for the sheriff's department and they always sent the 'abuse victims' to her to help and support. She told me that she knows over 100 people that were abused and I would be amazed at who they were...we discussed the abuser of my relatives and I found out eventually that he liked young ladies (12-14) and not little girls (my abuse started before I was 7 years old). It was weird to talk about it so open and honestly. She was very aware of the abuser's history, there was no doubt he had harmed girls but I didn't fit his pattern. It was strangely satisfying to know that I was believed and yet was also able to eliminate a suspect.

With that small piece of 'calm' I began thinking about what some people have said..."Why do you want to dig up all that pain?" "Why can't you just let it go?" "What if you can't remember?" "What are you afraid of remembering?" I don't know the answers to those questions...what I do know is that I need to do something different than what I have been doing to put it to rest.  I can't just ignore it, that is what I have been doing the past 40+ years and look where it is has got me.

As I pondered this conversation in my head with my counselor (I don't want you to think I was talking or arguing with myself) I kept saying, Why? Why?Why? I found myself yelling to her in my head, "Because I wouldn't do it! I wouldn't do what he made me do if I had a choice! Something must have happened, before the abuse I can remember happened!"

As I said these words in my head my anxiety began to drop...I pondered why and decided that the words I was just yelling in my head 'felt right'. I wouldn't do it. I was innocent of the responsibility for what happened to me. I was not guilty of any sin. I had no reason to feel any shame or guilt. I have been trying to tell myself this for the past year or so...but this time it seemed to resonate in my soul. The emotion, intensity, and power of what I was 'yelling in my head' felt so strong and true. The words and what they meant seemed to settle deep in my heart and 'fit'. I have gained a new solidness and peace deep in my heart...I will do all that I can to keep it there...

I think I have some wonderful people in my family that love me and care for me. I also feel that there are some skeletons that no one has ever talked about...not alot...but some...and my family doesn't know how to talk about things....

Acting like a child is a good thing?

Here is my insight today....
When I went to counseling last week...before my appointment, I had a meeting for work. After the meeting I was talking to one of my co-workers that is a very dear friend. She was telling me about her cousin that had tried to commit suicide. She was trying to figure out how she could help her and we were discussing the fact that her cousin needed to 'want' the help and 'they couldn't force her'. I talked to her about my experience about trust and not understanding the option of 'choice'. We had a great discussion...I was feeling that my experiences were helping someone else and that made me feel good. We talked right up until I had to leave for my appointment.  I am feeling good and get to my appointment...I am happy that I don't get 'sick to my stomach' anymore when I have my appointments. As I sat there waiting for my counselor...I started getting anxious and antsy.

My counselor comes and we are walking back to her office...she keeps looking at me...I am walking behind her..I don't want to walk next to her..I don't know why...we get in and sit down...I am doing my 'wiggle' thing that makes me feel like I have 'Parkinson's disease' and I feel that my mind is in a whirl. My counselor looks at me and asks, "What's going on? I feel like I have a 5 year old here?" So, of course I interpret that as 'bad' and I am supposed to act composed when I come...after all, I was composed when I had to meet with her and my X. So I obviously can be composed if I want to...so why don't I want to...I feel like I just want to do what is comfortable...not what I perceive to be correct behavior...I am thinking inside...I just feel better when I am 'curled up' on her couch...hugging my knees or ankles...it is like I am giving myself some physical protection and it allows me to focus mentally and open up more.  It is kind of weird...but I am more comfortable and I feel like I can get 'deeper' faster...that should be a good thing, right? She asks me what I am thinking about and what I was thinking about before I came to my appointment...the only thing I can think of is that maybe I didn't have all the time to 'mentally prepare' before coming to my appointment since I was so involved talking with my friend?

Anyway..I am looking at the bookstore the other day and I pick up the book Dear Sister, Once Abused and started reading. The author talks about her abuse...it seems like she has the same goal that I do with my blog...hoping her experience will help others...I am reading about her first major flashback/memory recall and she calls some therapist and the therapist says, "How nice." The author is obviously confused and asks what the heck she is talking about and the therapist responds with, "How nice that little Victoria, that has been buried inside of you, finally felt safe enough to let you know what happened to her so long ago."

Ok...so I have been thinking about that...thinking about how I have been happy and grateful that going to counseling doesn't make me sick anymore...that I am sitting in the waiting room and I usually feel pretty decent...and I still feel a little anxiety come...but by the time we walk down the hall to her office I have felt like I am a mess the last couple of times...so here is my theory...the child inside of me is feeling more comfortable in coming out...and that is why I want to curl up and comfort myself and doing so relaxes me so much...so I guess it is a good thing?

I'll have to try and talk about it with my counselor tomorrow...see how I feel about it...I sometimes get annoyed with my counselor...I remember her saying a long time ago that she hasn't had a 'ton' of experience with abuse or trauma...and most of the time when she responds to me I can't decide if she is 'playing dumb blonde' and knows exactly what is going on but acts like she is just figuring it out or is really learning along with me...I don't know why it matters...I guess I feel that sometimes if she is playing dumb blonde it almost feels insulting...or is that just my ego?

Disassociation and Loving My Children...sigh...

Well...my daughter leaves on her mission in a couple of weeks...I am very excited for her!

Of course this means that she has been spending all kinds of time with me and seems to LOVE simply being around me...oh yeah...it figures...NOW she loves me :)  Now that she is leaving for 18 months....kids....

This started me thinking...(yeah...I can hear you say...EVERYTHING starts me thinking)...I started thinking about how I feel about my daughter...and I am realizing that my love for her is getting deeper...I am truly feeling connected to her...someone mentioned to her at the Temple that she didn't look like a 'first timer' and she was so proud of that...she responded..."Well..why should I be nervous...I went to prep class and you were right there taking care of me." That started me thinking about trust...and emotional connections...and how much I love my kids and the fact that I have always felt in the back of my brain that I didn't love my kids as much as other parents did...I know when they were little and other parents would miss their kids so much when they would leave them...like girls camp or whatever...I was never one to miss my kids...It just added to my list of things I was a failure at as a parent...

I am starting to wonder if I have been holding my kids 'at arms' length'?  Am I so afraid to love that I can't even love my kids?  Do I disassociate when my feelings for my kids gets too intense? Is part of my son's frustration (the one that lives with his father) with me the fact that he is extremely sensitive and feels that I don't love him?  Wow...that one could hurt deep...

I remember my counselor saying a long time ago..."I remember when I read your profile, I thought, here is a woman that thinks her divorce is all her fault." I think she told me that when I was trying to understand the depth of my X's addictions and their effects on me and our family. I am wondering if her opinion has changed since all my 'dirty laundry' has come into the light? I am SOOOO tired of feeling that everything is my fault...that I am all messed up...that I have all this 'work' to do to be stronger emotionally...that so much of my life is screwed up because of the abuse that happened to me...I just want to live my life...but I don't have my life because of all the 'baggage'....guess that means I better go to my counseling session tomorrow....

Counseling, Kids and "What the heck are you expecting?"

So...my oldest son (still a teenager) moved in with his dad...but hey...what teenager wouldn't want to move from a room he is sharing with 2 brothers to an apartment with his own room and basically no rules?  Can't blame him too much...gotta say...Part of me thinks it is a huge blessing since I am dealing with so much stuff I don't think I have the emotional energy to deal with him also...maybe the Lord is looking out for me...

Unfortunately, living with his dad means he 'hears' his dad a lot.  He is beginning to 'act' like his father more and more all the time...I am hoping that I am just 'over sensitive' to it and imagining it, that would be nice. He came over last night for Mother's Day...barely talked to me. He acts like he is no longer part of the other kids...I think part of him likes it and another part of him hates it. He told me on facebook the other night that I 'don't treat him like the other kids'. I ask him what he is expecting me to do? He starts in with 'I don't respect him' I said things about him in front of him to his counselor (this was over a year ago). Ok, first off..yeah...I probably said that to the counselor...but I would NEVER say that to the counselor in front of him...I'm not that stupid! He starts in with all his word twisting...it was weird...I suddenly stood up and was very intense and angry...it wasn't out of control...it was just extremely intense...I felt that I was yelling...but I didn't seem to be...

We were on our way over to a friend's house for dessert...I tell him..."You can make a choice...be respectful and polite and go with us or go back home to your dad's house." He tried to tell me I 'kicked him out' of the house...I kept re-stating that I was simply giving him a choice.  We finally left...his older sister decided to stay home with him...and I found out later that my son burst into tears as soon as I left...who'd a thought? They (my son and daughter) did come over just as we were leaving....which I gotta say...kind of surprised me.

We came back to the house and he actually came back in...he and his sister talked for quite a bit...she ended up taking him home - technically his dad was supposed to come pick him up...

My daughter came up to me and said she learned some things from him while they talked...she asked him if she could tell me and he said, "Whatever works". She then tells me...he isn't mad at you you know?  Really? This was a surprise...seriously...you can talk to me like that and still like me?  I just don't get it...

I remember when he was little...w hen he would get in trouble he would just keep up the attitude and behavior problems...it appeared like he could just not 'stop' his cycle of behavior.  I remember my daughter telling me, "I think he gets himself in a hole and doesn't know how to get out so he keeps fighting....I think she was quite inspired....

So...I am trying to figure out what to think...he is basically a great kid...he is EXTREMELY angry with me about the divorce (again, my X has not taken any responsibility whatsoever) and isn't able to handle really strong emotions. He is more sensitive than most kids about basically anything...I was 9 months pregnant with him when my nephew (17 years old) died suddenly. Plus, he seems to be very 'emotionally immature' so this is not a good combination...

His father has convinced him that counseling is stupid and he doesn't need it...although he seems to be letting his sister 'teach him' what she is learning in counseling...I guess I'll go with that for now...

Wow...my kids in some ways are soooooo messed up...in other ways are very together...in other ways confused...maybe they are more normal than not? I keep thinking about my daughter that is getting ready for her mission...she asked me, "Will things be better or worse when I come back?"  Oh my dear child, I will be praying everyday that they will be better!

Divorce is not for wimps!

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Counseling, Core Beliefs and Trying to Move a Mountain....(otherwise known as change)..

Ok...survived another session of counseling...
So here is what I have figured out...for whatever reason...when I was a child I understood that my opinions weren't as valid or important as the opinions of those around me...who knows how I came to this...but it resulted in my becoming quite perceptive to the emotions and thoughts of those around me.  I would then 'tune in' to others and try to do what I perceived that they wanted. This evolved into me feeding my self esteem on the ability to make others happy...in case you are curious...this is not a recipe for success.

I still don't know how my abuse started...but I can better understand why I didn't have the ability to say no or get away from him. I think that is why I felt I was a willing participant (that and the fact that I had disassociated from the pain and fear)...it was what he (my abuser) wanted.  Sigh...

My counselor talked about how 'confusing' it must have been to feel that I would be happy doing what other people wanted...but then when I was doing it it wasn't happy at all...sometimes I hate it when she does this..it is like 'Wow..that must have been so confusing for you as a small child..you couldn't process or understand it?" It is like she is almost 'baby talking' and I am sitting there nodding my head yes...part of me thinks she is trying to make me think that the thought has just occurred to her...but it is more likely that my healing is just following a textbook...and she is pretending to just 'realize' this stage...that is the part that bugs me...I don't know if I am just like everyone else that is trying to heal..basically going through the same stages..if so...dang!  Give me the textbook so I know what is happening...but that will probably 'interfere with the process'...and I won't learn for myself.  I hate it when you have to 'reinvent the wheel'. (Kind of like my job as a teacher...I am so tired of 'reinventing the wheel') Gotta say...sometimes growth sucks!

Then my counselor talked about how I would come into counseling (I have been in counseling off and on for almost 3 years...I didn't really start to deal with my abuse until about 8 months ago)...she talked about how I was so programmed to 'pick up on the emotions of others' and then I would come in and be almost obsessed with trying to figure out what she was thinking...so I could figure out what I was thinking...and she wasn't letting me in. I felt that she had an emotional wall up to block me from understanding what she was thinking and feeling...I couldn't see or feel what she thought..so I had no idea what I thought...it was like I had gone deaf (disconnecting as a child to my own feelings and emotions) and had learned to adapt...then I would go into counseling and suddenly I was also blind. I remember feeling void of any emotional input. I was putting out my feelers and getting 'nothing'. Extremely frustrating, in case you didn't pick up on that, to not be able to get any feedback from what I was doing or trying to communicate. She went on to mention that it sent me right back to being a kid, emotionally...I am pretty sure I would be embarrassed by how I acted sometimes in counseling...but hey...what can I say...nothing I can do about it now. So, of course, my counselor goes on about 'how frustrating that must have been for you' back to the baby voice...yeah...like getting frustrated at counseling was a concept I hadn't pondered or experienced...NOT!

So then we were talking about 'core beliefs'. This is another chapter in Mind Over Mood that talks about what your basic belief is (mainly about yourself). For example one of my core beliefs is that if anyone 'knew about my past...they would think I was a bad person and not like or approve of me'...this, of course, led me to constantly feel that my counselor hated me...because I was telling her all my 'dark secrets' and then I wasn't getting any emotional feedback to give me a response or reaction to how she was thinking...I didn't have any information to change my opinion...so...presto...she must think I am a loser and hate me. This is another example of a thought pattern that does not...shall we say...set you up for success or nuture a positive mental state.

So...what do I do to change these thought patterns that I have clung to for so many years...apparently it is ok if I don't 'get over it quickly'. That is comforting...because I am pretty sure I won't. I came up with a couple of phrases...one is..."I was sexually abused and the Lord loves me:" If I stick in the word 'still' or 'but' it doesn't count...because that changes the meaning of the phrase...it implies I don't deserve it. I did come up with this on my own...I guess that is good...my counselor seemed pleased...(but that implies that I am getting my answers through the impressions and thoughts of others...so I'll have to see how it works for me :)

My counselor asked me what I thought got things moving and changing in my head...that was easy to answer...when she told me she wasn't going to force me to do anything...then I heard/felt the emotion in her voice when she said, "You have been forced to do too many things in your life...I won't do that to you...not here...not in this room."  I think I will always remember how hearing that pulled me out of a fog...I did write a poem about it...one of the 'cleanest' poems ( I wrote it all out in about half an hour and only ended up changing a couple of words - very little pondering of what to say it just seemed to flow) "What is Trust?" I am still not too sure why it had such a huge impact on me...maybe it was the compassion in her voice...especially after so many months of 'no emotional feedback'. There was a desperation and sincerity in her voice...as if it was very important for me to understand that she truly meant it. I asked her at my next appointment why she said it so strongly...she said she just felt really impressed to make sure I was 'hearing' her.. I think she was feeling frustrated that I wasn't progressing, or trusting her, or whatever she was expecting me to do...there I go...feeling like I am not doing what people expect of me...that is another habit/core belief that I need to break...but one thing at a time...

She asked me how understanding that trust changed things...I said it gave me permission to be me...I was free...and I didn't know I wasn't free...until she said it...So...I guess I am making good progress...I still feel that a big chunk of my 'anxiety/depression' has dropped off and is gone...it has been almost 2 weeks and so I figure that is a good thing...

Next step, I guess, is to repeat my little phrases and see what it does...

I wouldn't say I trust my counselor completely...but I do think I am making progress...

Oh yeah...still haven't crossed over my wall...guess I am a big chicken!  I'm going back to the Temple in a couple of days...that might help!

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

I am an official member of the 'I am Still Standing' Club!

Ok...
So I have been hanging out at the Temple A LOT on Fridays...many of the workers now greet me like an old friend.  It is a wonderful feeling....

One lady in particular has been wonderful and I feel very close to her. She made the comment last week..."There is so much love around you...I don't even know you and I love you!" I spent a little time talking to her after and she mentioned that she had been to counseling several times...then she mentioned how excited she was for me...that I was on the edge of some really wonderful things. Well...that was a wonderfully nice thing to say...but it helps me about as much as when my counselor tells me 'Go with the flow'...yeah...whatever the heck that means...I just know I am not good at it.

I found out later through a friend that this sister at the Temple has had a lot of trials and a very hard road. That got me to thinking about perhaps that is why I 'clicked' with her. I was talking to a counselor that had also dealt with abuse and I asked her if I was now in a 'club' of those that have been abused...and wondering if I would 'sense' others that have struggled like me.  She smiled and said yes...so I decided the name of the club should be 'I am Still Standing'.  I like it...and I like knowing that I am not the only one that is struggling with issues...and I know things will get better.

As I have been pondering this idea...I reflected back on those friends who would listen with 'pity' and 'awe' that I was even functioning...and compared that to the few friends I have that have truly overcome adversity (some were abused..not all). The difference in the look in their eyes, the depth of understanding, the ability they have to 'support' as they listen. This doesn't mean that if someone hasn't been abused they can't be my friend...I am just saying there is a different level of understanding. A level that goes down to the deepest part of my soul. Maybe that is part of what the man in Visions of Glory meant when he talked about 'taking people that had been abused down to their hell and bringing them out through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and healing them'. I think it is something that I have not truly experienced, but I need to if I want to 'truly heal'.

Flat Tire, Tender Mercies, My Wall and Now I am Better?

So...I had a crazy weekend...lots of things happened...X continues to be a jerk...at least he is consistent.

I have been thinking a lot about my wall...How high it is...what it looks like...etc...

So I am working through things...feeling pretty good Spiritually...thinking about how I 'can survive' counseling without too much stress and anxiety...and I am feeling pretty good.  I start to think that I am not feeling any anxiety and maybe some pretty good things can happen...the feeling grows...

I get through work...realize I am on time and I have a strong hope that things can get better for me and I can move on my path towards healing. I am driving down the freeway...grateful that I am a little before the 'traffic time' and then I hear a weird pop...and I think, "Did I just lose my hubcab?"  And I decide I better pull off...car starts vibrating...and YES! I have a flat tire...oh joy...

Interesting part was...there was no traffic...I had no problem moving over 3 lanes to exit the freeway...pull off...I was thinking of circling back to a gas station...then decide to pull into a parking lot so I don't ruin my rim...I call for service..start thinking about doing it myself...then I see an ice cream store.  What are the odds...so I go and buy a 'black raspberry chip' sugar cone and just as I finish the guy shows up to change my tire...a very 'nice' looking young man I will have to admit...and I still have time to get to my counseling appointment.

As I pulled out to drive to my appointment I was really proud of myself that I wasn't upset...part of me wondered if the 'adversary' was trying to stop me from getting to my appointment...but...didn't work...heck I was only about 40 minutes late :) I then realized how many 'tender mercies' had just happened.  Everything from the lack of traffic, closeness of an exit, a parking lot to wait, and the ICE CREAM STORE! The Lord was definitely looking out for me. I felt truly blessed :)

Counseling...I am talking about my wall...what it is like...how I feel...what is around that I can use to get over it. It was weird to think that I 'was' thinking the other side of the wall was bad and the little girl inside of me was 'scared and alone' because she was away from me...then realizing that 'she' was just fine...it was me that was all alone and had blocked out the 'love and joy' of my Heavenly Father because the feelings were too intense and I couldn't handle them.

I thought about 'why' I would be afraid of the wall and what was on the other side...I knew that rationally it didn't make sense...then I realized it was like the fear of a child...it didn't make sense...but it was real. So, I am talking to my counselor...she is asking me what it is like?  How tall is it? Are there any holes? Is anyone else around? Are there materials around?  And I came up with 'nothing'.

She asks me 'what does the wall need?'  It needs to get blown up...that's what it needs...we talk about my fears...she asks why I would be afraid? I say I am afraid it will be more 'emotion' than I can handle...I am not very good at handling my own emotion...it is kind of new for me...then we talk about taking the wall down a little at a time...so I can get used to it...

Then she says..."Can you make the wall smaller?"  Holy Crap...hadn't thought about that...the next thing I see in my head it has shrunk to about 1/3 the size and is now just over my head!  I can almost 'see' over the top...but I am still afraid...I realize that I am not alone and I can tell myself that I don't have to deal with the other side all at once.

So...to make a long story short...what is in my head now?  A small garden wall that I can easily step over if I choose...I am still thinking about how I want to do that and what it will mean and how it will feel...but the best part is that "I" get to make the choice.

There is a part of me that wonders if 'all my issues will diminish' once I step across the wall?  What did the wall represent?  Why is it there? Am I truly 'done' with the wall? I am sure I won't need it anymore?  Am I strong enough to 'deal' with what is on the other side?
 
Heck...I have no idea.  What I do know is that I don't feel scared. I am feeling more at peace than I have felt for a long time...my X is going to continue to be a jerk...and I will just let him do his thing.  I won't 'stir his pot' unless I have to for the kids' sake. How incredible this would be if I am healing and my life is in a position that I can 'deal' with all the garbage and still stay happy and focused and centered...that is my prayer!