Still better than I imagined and I am feeling more

So...we have known each other for over a year now and been married for over half a year. Things are going awesome!

We have had some struggles with our kids - but the best part is none of them have ever even started a comment about 'why did we marry?' I know they can see how happy we are with each other and how different our lives are. I like that part of it.

The down side is that we don't have the privacy of learning more about each other in a home where we are alone. Several of our children live with us and some have returned from college. Some days I feel they are watching us like hawks to see how we are dealing. I think my kids are worse because I was single longer. They don't remember as well when their dad lived with me. We were laughing with his daughter about how we never had an argument. ...yeah....we had our first argument that night.  It was weird in that I didn't cower like I did in the past. I didn't shut down and refuse to talk. We were both upset and took a break - then I went back downstairs and we talked and it was ok. I am so used to pouting and being passive aggressive but I really tried to be a little more mature. He can just let things 'roll off his back' better and was just giving me space. After a few days we had it figured out. Now we both know that we don't want to argue - and we will try to make sure and give the other person the 'benefit of the doubt' and listen a little better. Aren't arguments always about silly things and misunderstandings? We are closer now because we know our relationship is more important than a silly argument.

Intimacy has been interesting. I still am not as relaxed as I wish...but I am getting there. I am pleasantly pleased to learn that I am feeling more than when we first married. It is almost weird..as I was trying to become more in tune with my body I started having all these weird aches and pains. In the past I was known for having all kinds of bruises and such and never knowing where they came from. After I ended up at the Dr for a few different aches and pains I realized that I appeared like a hypochondriac and then my husband mentioned that I was feeling more and he was touching me lightly and I could feel it. I had to laugh to myself as I realized that I wasn't a hypochondriac but I was starting to tune into my body more and it was a little intense sometimes. Very interesting feelings. I think one of the most exciting things about that is that it reminds me that I can change and that my past will not define me. I still don't have a lot of feeling inside but everything else is becoming more sensitive, so I am not giving up.

My girls are loving the fact that he loves, respects and cares about them. It just warms my heart when I see them talk to him and laugh and he says that he loves them and they say, "I know" It's a good thing. They see he isn't perfect and has things about him that bug them but they see how much he loves me and how happy I am. My son that has always felt 'outside' with his dad adores him.

My daughter was dating a guy that had some stuff to deal with and he was hesitant to go to counseling. She told him, "My mom was really screwed up and she went to a LOT of counseling and now she is able to love deeper than I ever thought possible. Go get some counseling!" I am still trying to decide if that was a compliment...lol!

I had a friend that has just gone through a terrible mess with her marriage and she started her problems when I was getting married. She didn't want to spoil my happiness so she just kind of distanced herself. Her divorce is final now and she told me....I needed to see you so happy!  Then she said, I had no idea how lonely divorce was....I am so sorry. I smiled at her and said, "Don't you remember how often I would tell you how much I appreciated your friendship and time and how you would come up to me and hug me??  Now you know how much it meant." We never know what we are able to give to others.  I pray that this blog helps other women to know that there is always hope in love and Our Father in Heaven always has a plan for us. Don't ever give up!

As I sit her on the couch...thinking about my life...realizing how far I have come...I know it was painful...but it is like I almost don't want to go back and read about my past. I have been able to put it in a box...I understand it better...I can see the strength I received from my Heavenly Father and I know that my Savior never left my side. He lives and I know it with every fiber of my being!  Don't ever give up on His love!

What makes relationships 'move quickly'? And my boundaries still suck....

Ok...I am dating my new guy...and he has said many times that pace is important and he moves slowly. Sigh...what the heck is that supposed to mean? What is slow? What is fast? Aren't I supposed to just follow my feelings? After all, what did NOT following my feelings do for me...or not even being able to 'feel' my feelings...nothing good. Sigh...I just don't understand anything between 'friends' and 'intimate relationship'. I feel like I am either 'in or out'....I guess that isn't what everyone else thinks?

So I started talking to my new guy...asking him WHO he is? Telling him that 'who he is' is different than 'what he likes to do'. We exchanged some good texts about things...I was asking things like, "What makes you cry, if anything?" "What makes you happy?" "What makes you feel good about yourself?" etc.  It is interesting that as he was answering I was realizing that these types of conversations are what 'deepen' a relationship. So I guess the more we talk about things the more connected I can feel to him? At first we were just doing dinner and movies for our dates...and it was easy to not feel that we were 'moving' in the relationship. But is was weird because we were going out at least once a week for over a month and a half. We would talk about all kinds of things at dinner, work, interests, etc. But nothing 'deep'. A few times I mentioned potentially 'deep or depressing' things such as my mom's death or my divorce and he would act like he wanted to keep it 'happy'. It was just weird for me because the other relationships I had online - that was the focus...share all the skeletons in your closet...and then see if it is worth the effort to see each other. But he just seems to want to 'hang out and have fun'. Hmmmm...that probably has some type of meaning that everyone else understands too...everyone but me.

Anyway...we went for a walk Saturday and I talked about some of my issues and he seemed ok with it. Then we were texting back and forth yesterday and we were talking about 'who' we are....so...maybe it is ok? I told him that I just want to be open and up front with things...and one of the things that is important to me is that I want to 'be understood' and I am not going to assume anything about anything.

Another thing that is weird is that I am seeing people in my ward as we are going out and then I feel that my kids should probably meet him, just to know who he is...nothing more. My plan was to not have 'men parade through the house' and not introduce them to anyone unless I felt there was a strong possibility that I would marry the man. The current man I am dating is no where near that point. So I am seeing him when my kids are with their dad. But I am concerned that the people I am running into will make comments to my kids. For example, "Hey, I saw your mom out with some guy...do you like him?" And of course, my kids would respond, "I have no idea, I have never met him." It just seems wrong. The best scenario would be to have him 'swing by and pick me up' and then have a quick introduction. But they aren't at my house when we go out...plus we just meet somewhere..he has never been to my house. So, I talked to my kids. I explained that I wasn't 'bringing home your new dad' but just 'we are dating'. They didn't seem to care, except my oldest boy (the one that lives with his dad) and he wants to meet him. He thought I should invite him over and make dinner and all watch a movie together. Yeah..NO...I'm not doing that. Sigh...I guess I'll just have to keep thinking about that one...

So, I think I am going out again with him on Thursday..it is kind of a 'permanent date' thing that we have been doing for the last month and a half. It will be interesting to see if he acts any different after all our discussions...the whole.."are we further along in our relationship" question. My online guy is always bugging me about I need more patience...I just need to wait...it will happen if I don't push it. I just don't understand how to do that...

What gets me is that I really don't understand where the boundaries are...I mean we are either friends...or we are dating and considering marriage...I don't know where the different stages or levels are..very frustrating as I try to not appear needy or pushy and I don't really know what I need or what I am pushing..sigh...

He has made a couple of comments about 'pacing' and I am just not sure what that means...I guess I am just thinking...I don't know how much I like you...and I have 'intimacy issues' so I want to know if you will freak me out if we kiss for any length of time and I want to know how I feel when you kiss me so I would like to kiss a bit (more than a couple of good night kisses) so I can actually have time to figure out how I feel...but then I think that I am violating some boundary...if I were to ask someone they would probably say..."Just do what feels natural...don't have any hidden agenda...no control issues" But I don't always recognize my control issues...and I am trying to 'feel' and respond to my feelings and that puts me back into the 'control issues' category...sigh..I guess I'll see if I 'scared him off'...I haven't heard from him today....

Tell me again why I want to do this?

What is intimacy? What is making love? What is affection? And how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference?

Ok...I have no idea what I am feeling and it is making me crazy...ok...not crazy but I wish I better understood my emotions.

With my online guy we talked about intimacy and sex...mostly I was the one doing it...I needed to process what it 'could be' not what it was in my marriage. It became 'palatable' to me. At the time we were talking it all seemed to blur together...sex...intimacy...love...caring...listening...thinking of lying with someone sharing your inner most secrets while sharing your bodies and everything that is sacred between the two of you...it seemed such a wonderful fantasy. Granted you need to be married to do all that but I think you know what I mean. Both of you trying to please the other and feeling joy because the other is happy and feeling loved. It was a very different experience for me..yet I know it was also fantasy because we were not married and we were not even in the same town. sigh...

Then I went out with my 'make out' guy and tried to figure out what I was feeling when I was kissing, etc. I tried to figure out if I was 'sinning' and I needed to repent. I tried to figure out why there was no guilt. I wondered why I loved 'kissing and hugging' yet it was giving me no desire to have sex. It was not arousing feelings that I needed to control or stop. So does that make it bad? I wondered what I would think (ok..I didn't wonder very long) if my children were doing the same thing. But it just seems too different. I realize 'the law of chastity' applies to everyone..but there must be something about 'arousal'. If I am not 'arousing' feelings and desires to have sex it is bad? Is it because I was married for so long and would have sex and other serious intimate experiences and then get up the next morning and go to church? Therefore it was not the same thing as teenagers arousing feelings they have never experienced?

One night when I was with my 'make out' guy he was laying across my lap and I had my arms around him. We weren't doing anything wrong...and as I felt him relax I just felt this connection to him...realizing that intimacy was 'nice'. I know that might sound weird...but it is the only way I can think of to describe it. The other weird thing is that I can do it for hours...literally hours and not be aroused or desire to have sex. It just feels so nice to 'feel'. So maybe that is what it is...feeling...feeling that someone cares about me...feeling that someone wants to love me and make me happy. Feeling that connection to another human being. I asked him if it is different for him to be with me and he said yes. I asked him why and he talked about feeling that I cared about him without judging...that I wanted to 'please him' I ask him what he likes...what feels good...that I want him to be happy. It is sad that it is such a 'new' experience for him also. It makes me wonder how few 'stable' people are wandering the earth.

So then I go out with another guy...he does the very 'chaste' kiss at the end of our dates and a quick hug. It almost makes me feel like a slut because I think of all the things I would like to be doing with him. Then I start to wonder if I am a sex addict. He is telling me how respectful he is of women and I am wondering how it would feel to have his arms around me and kiss me deeply. Sigh...

To make it worse...then I want to go see my 'make out' guy. I have new insight to those girls that would date several different boys...but I am hoping it is different for me because I am not telling them I love them. I don't know if I am leading them on or not...I don't know where I am going so I don't see how I can be leading them anywhere...

Then I think back to when I got a dog...my counselor friend was telling me that it wasn't fair to the dog to have him be my 'emotional blanket' and then just stick him in a crate when I had other things to do. Is that what I am doing to my 'make out' guy? I have been honest...after our last date I told him that I obviously had some intimacy issues. I told him that all I wanted to do when I was with him was to make out...I just want to kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I can't think of anything else. The desire to 'do that' is so overwhelming I can't focus on anything else. So what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we just showing affection to each other? Are we just letting each other know that someone cares? We are keeping clothes on and not touching private parts of each others' bodies...so does that still make it wrong or are we just helping the other to be happy?

I think about why I don't sense or feel any 'red flags' and I wonder if part of my 'feeling broken' is also feeling violated. I feel like everything has been done to my body so what does it matter if something similar is done and I actually enjoy it?

My online guy tells me I need to 'grab life by the horns' and once I leave my past behind I will be able to commit and love someone. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I wonder if my 'making out' counts as 'grabbing life by the horns'?  What do you think?

I think I would be a fool to commit to someone right now. I need time to figure out my feelings and emotions. I need to be able to think and process how my body is reacting and what my heart needs. Sometimes I wonder how much I am enjoying it...and how much is just 'feeling' a strong sensation and I am drawn to the feeling because it is new?

So...yeah...I am still seeing my counselor...I would really like to figure all this stuff out...sigh...

Maybe I need to go 'make out' for a few hours to clear my head...ha ha ha...sigh...

Issues and Online Dating

My daughter was right, it is kind of fun 'creepin on guys'. I think it is really good for me to be looking ahead. Planning on having a future...without my X.

So I have been searching online to see if I can find any cute guys and I have learned quite a few things by reading a ton of profiles. Let me enlighten you....

There is a difference between a man that was 'burned' by his wife and a man that has lost his wife and is ready to love again. There is a lot to learn by the type of pictures the person posts...if they are mostly head shots and a ton of pictures of his kids...self conscious about his looks and loves his kids.  If he is posting pictures of his boat and other toys...probably doesn't have much going on with his own kids...unless his kids are all over the boat. Some label the pictures by the event, such as, Christmas 2011 or 'day at the park'. These men seem to be a little more humble and less 'stuck on themselves' if that means anything to you. Others label the pictures 'all about them' with things like Me and my friends, Me at the beach, Me with a beard, etc.. And the obvious...'I am trying to get a woman to interact with me and who knows what I am really like'. This kind of profile reminds me of the commercials about identity theft like this one: funny theft identity commercial

For example, one man from Europe was trying to get me to correspond with him and was saying all these wonderful things and I finally asked him, "You do see that I have 5 kids, right?"  Yeah...never heard from him again...what a surprise :)

And yes...there are the older men that keep telling me, "You just need someone that will treat you right."

So...how does this relate to my therapy?

Man...how does it not?

Ok...so I am thinking more and more about what I would want in a spouse...kind of a weird idea...do I want to marry someone that is rich and never had kids that wants to travel and spoil me?  That is attractive, I must say. Do I want someone that will be by my side and just want to sit with me and watch movies?  Hold my hand and go for walks on the beach? Someone that will be patient and help my kids as they struggle with everything that is going on? Do I find someone that has a ton of kids and play 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' ?

Here is a sad thought...

Do I want to just let my X take care of my kids (the ones that want to live with him) because I do think I have issues with emotionally connecting to my kids (see my post Disassociation and Loving My Kids). Then I could marry some successful man that wants someone to share his life...sigh...what kind of crappy mother am I if I am even thinking that? Or I would start to think how I could convince a man what a wonderful mother I would be to his children when I feel like I am such a crappy mother to my own kids...

Then I think about how I can't even feel like I can love anyone..how the heck can I love someone else...

yeah...then I go online and see if there is anyone new...I guess it doesn't hurt to look? It is nice to think there are people out there that have felt something similar to what I have experienced...at least they have an idea of how I feel...that part is nice...

Who knows?  I sure don't....sigh...life is not for wimps!

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...

Is there a shift? I am feeling different....I still have a wall...

Today is kind of weird...I can't quite figure out how I feel. I know that I am feeling more peace that I have felt for awhile. It is kind of nice really...I am working on being in a place where I can sit back and see what is happening. I don't want to 'react' to things...I want to 'act' I want to be able to see a situation and then feel what I should do...I want to follow the inspiration the Lord is sending me...it is fast Sunday...I think my ward is tired of me sharing my testimony...I feel that I do it too often...yet I know that I have something to share..something that stirs my soul..sigh...

I am still working on trying to 'feel and hear' the Holy Ghost. I still sense that I have a wall that prevents me from truly feeling and believing what the Lord wants me to know. I know my counselor asks 'why did you put the wall up?' or 'Do you still need the wall?' and I guess my first response is...'No, I don't need the wall.' but I still feel afraid to not have it and I am not exactly sure how to bring it down. Some days I seem to be able to feel it...walk along it...run my hand over it...it seems to be white with a little bit of soft pink color. It is high...reminds me of the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group that left society and sent the blind girl to get medicine from the 'towns'. I wonder what is on the other side...I like to think that I can imagine anything that could be there...hence, there should be no surprise...but then I get back to..I don't know what is there...

I was reading the book 'Visions of Glory' (as told to John Pontius) and he talks about his work with abused children. He talks about Christ's role in the healing of children that have been abused. "to go with them to those dark and evil places in their hearts and to retrieve them - snatch sometimes, or coax them, with the help of Christ - out of that darkness into the light. They experience a type of being born again. When an adult or child will submit to this process and allow me to act as Christ's agent in guiding them through this, they are healed of that abuse completely and permanently..." (page 64)  He talks of being able to see your self as Christ sees you. Maybe that is what my problem is...I am afraid to go all the way 'down' and therefore I cannot fully 'come out'?

I wonder if this means I need to truly understand and comprehend my abuse...I think I 'skirt around' it sometimes...not fully realizing what it is...not wanting to comprehend...trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad...I have asked my counselor why my abuse was 'so bad' and it becomes one of those conversations that turn into..."If I tell you it won't have the same significance as you finding out for yourself". I hate those kind of conversations....

Well...maybe this is something for me to ponder today as I fast...and perhaps it is something that I can address in counseling this week...

Counseling is not for the weak minded...sigh....

Was I invisible?

Ok...
I was doing EMDR stuff the other day and talking about issues with my brothers and she asked me how I was feeling when my mother died when my brothers and I had problems...and it kind of came around to me feeling 'invisible' because it was apparent that my desires were not a concern to anyone...sigh...it was nice to be able to 'label' what I was feeling...but it isn't a very good feeling...

Then I was talking to my counselor about not being comfortable yet with dressing nicer and feeling that I am drawing attention to myself. Talking about feeling that I am aware that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am worthy I am a definite 'presence'. People will look twice at me as I walk by...not in a 'wow you are hot' kind of way but...'who are you?  I sense something.' kind of way...I am not sure if I like it or not.

So...here I am pondering all these things and then it clicks...When I was being abused I felt that I could not say no or not participate...I was invisible...my opinion didn't matter...I was the person that tried to keep everyone happy...but my opinion was not very high on everyone else's priority list...that is why I am so self conscious...that is why I don't like drawing attention to myself..that is why when my mother died and I was in the middle of dealing with all of this I was not going to allow myself to be invisible...it is kind of weird when some of the balls I am juggling drop into place.

This is combined with being extremely sensitive to the emotions so I was always feeling guilty about everything...this person wants this...that person is sad...I should do something to cheer up this person..etc..
So I guess I came around to thinking that keeping others happy was more important than keeping me happy. Or if I wasn't keeping others happy I was miserable and feeling guilty...

As you can imagine...this reminded me of how long I have been going to therapy...let's just say it is more than a year or so :) and starting to wonder if I am crazy...

Then the counselor said something cool...she talked about how I was a good person that had a lot of stuff going on (boy is that the truth) and I was dealing with my stuff so I could better be in tune, so I could do and be what the Lord wanted. I really liked how that sounded...that is a lot better than thinking I am just crazy.

I talked about how I feel I have this wall between me and truly feeling the Spirit of the Lord. I wish I could 'blow it up' but I don't know how to do that either...

All and all I guess my counseling session today was better than it could have been. I was seeing a different counselor...my normal counselor had some family stuff and is gone for a few weeks...it was kind of fun in that this counselor doesn't know all my mind tricks...my disassociation (if she did notice she didn't say anything) I mentioned it a couple of times...but it was kind of fun to think that she didn't know how to read me as well as my normal counselor...a nice break.

Before I left...we were talking about the need to be strong in the last days...she said something that I am really trying to take to heart. She talked about the gathering armies for the last days...those that were gathering on both sides of the veil. She said she felt that I was getting my stuff taken care of so that I could better 'feel' so I could better follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost...and that I was being drawn to those armies because that is where I belong...it is a cool thought...

PTSD and the Dentist

So...here I am thinking so much about my abuse as a child...thinking about how I could just lay there and let my abuser do what he did...wondering how I was able to keep it a secret from my parents (till the day they died) and how scared I was...wondering how much I have blocked out (I can't remember how my abuse started - in fact the experiences I do remember basically start in the middle of the abuse)...and I go to the dentist...

As I lay there...I began to think...not too many people enjoy going to the dentist...I know for me...I have been fortunate enough to have dear friends for a dentist for most of my life. So I don't have the 'negative' feelings that some people have when they go...I also had braces as a child...I remember I was often complimented on my ability to just sit there while I had my braces adjusted...I often would simply read a book (holding the book around the doctor's hands so I could see) it didn't seem that big of a deal...

Then today...I wondered if the skill I was using to sit in both the dentist chair and the orthodontist chair (and I'll admit...when I go to the gynecologist) was one I developed while being abused.  They are all situations where someone is 'doing something to you' that is not 'pleasant' and the better you can 'sit still' the easier and faster it goes. I sat in the hygienist's chair today and let my mind wander...and I began to feel my body tense up...the lack of focus on the 'scrapping'...and wondered again...what happened to me that I had to develop this deep of a coping skill to survive? As I lay there today...I thought..maybe I should shut my eyes to better focus and try to process what I was thinking...then I realized that with my eyes closed I didn't know (see) what the hygienist was doing and that just triggered too many 'control and trust' issues..so I gave up on that idea...

I will confess there were many times in my marriage while being intimate I would 'let my mind wander' because I didn't want to say anything to my X. Sometimes he would 'trigger' my fear of sexual energy and I knew if I said anything or shut down he would back off and not give me any attention...and I guess I rationalized that some attention is better than nothing. Either that or I was afraid to have him mad at me..I don't do very well with anger either...sometimes I wonder what I can deal with...after all... I don't deal very well with rejection. I think that is another indicator that we (my X and I) didn't have a very good communicative relationship...and perhaps that is a key to my abuse...or maybe how it started.  My family didn't 'neglect me' they just all had lives and interests...I was the youngest and I remember always wanting to 'be accepted' by them. Maybe I was so desperate for attention...I was willing to put up with the abuse rather than feel alone. I just looked back at this last line I wrote...and think how crazy it is...but it is still what I think sometimes...

But that puts me in the 'blame' mode...and I wonder...seriously...could a 6 or 7 year old girl be able to make that kind of decision? I work at a school and often work with younger students...when I was first beginning to process my abuse I was testing younger kids...I saw the fear in their eyes...being told there were going to take a 'test' with a stranger...leave their classroom and teacher and go off with a stranger..I saw the teacher try to talk them into coming with me..telling them if would be fun...as I looked in the faces of those 5 and 6 year olds that were scared to come with me I thought...how could anyone force someone so young...to do anything even close to what was done to me? As I would talk to them, and joke with them most of them relaxed...and even smiled...I would see their desire to 'please' and 'do it right'..their eyes were so innocent and afraid..I just wanted to hug them and tell them that I would make sure no one ever hurt them...I thought of the time I was locked in the closet at his house and my brother came over to play with his brother and my abuser left me in the closet, naked with string wrapped all around me to hold the things that he had put inside of me....and I wondered.. How could I have been a willing participant?  How could I have not been terrified? How could I/can I blame myself for what happened...I was so young...so innocent...so unaware...I lived in a home full of boys/men...but none that would tell me to do something that was wrong...how was I supposed to stand up to anyone?

I have a dear friend that was also abused and she struggled to deal with it after she was married...she talked about how her husband 'stuck by her' and together they were able to work through it. Sometimes it makes me feel angry that my X didn't try to help me 'deal' with it.  But then...I didn't really help him deal with his issues either...this is when I tell myself that I wasn't participating in an inappropriate behavior during our marriage...so that should 'excuse' me from the sin...right? The issues my X and I had were all his fault, right?  My issues 'happened' to me...his issues were his choice, right?  Or were they?  Were mine?

Monday 3/11/2013
I went to the eye doctor today...after thinking about this post...it was weird...I almost 'freaked out' at the 'eye puff' thing that checks for glaucoma...I sat there telling myself..."Don't let him touch you" and then I would tell myself I was making a big deal out of nothing...then he would have to get close to me (I have long legs) and reach over to his machine and I was surprised how much it was bothering me...I know that he was not doing anything wrong...it was just me stressing...it would be nice if I could get all this stuff to become a memory I didn't have to think about...or react to...maybe that is what is hard...getting the memory 'put away' but still being aware it is there...sigh....