So...we have spend many hours talking about pretty much anything.
I was joking with him one time...that we could talk about anything...Anything I said? Anything. How about menopause? He laughed and said, "We can talk about hemorrhoids if you want."
I can't describe how fun it is to have the conversation go from church to kids to intimacy to kids to work to kids...it just is so much fun...we laugh about how we can talk forever! I can feel myself opening up to him...connecting to him...I think of all the emotions I used to have as a kid...feeling that I could look at people - gaze into their eyes and truly feel their emotions and understand them at a level deeper than most people even realize exists. And that has begun with him...we joke about me finishing his sentences...we will be messaging and occasionally he will say, "Get out of my mind woman!" and we both laugh...it feels so good to be connected with someone..to just to be able to 'feel' and know that I am alive and living...I don't know if that makes any sense...but for me...it is vital.
So...back to intimacy...
Sigh...yeah...I keep talking about it with him...I remember one time I said, "I really am not a pervert...I just need to talk about this." He responded..."Of course, I understand with my intellect what your needs are, you need to feel safe." wow...my mouth about dropped open on that one...
So...why do I need to talk about intimacy so much?
Because if I marry My Man...I want to be present and feel everything there is to feel. I want to be able to truly love him...in every aspect...emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. I want to be able to give my all to my husband and lover.
Therefore...
I need to know how he will touch me...
Is his touch demanding something...or is it giving...
How he will react if I don't want to do something.
(My Man has said, you can tell me no. My ex told me no a lot...I'm used to it)
How he will ask me to do things.
What he will want to do...
I want to feel that we are doing something together...not him doing something to me..if that makes any sense...
How patient will he be...
What if I am not ready for intercourse the minute we get to our hotel after marriage...
I talked to him about how I have had times where I kind of 'space out' when being intimate and I don't want to do that with him...So, one of the first times we were kissing...his face was close to mine...and he was holding me...and kissing me softly and whispering..."Stay with me." Sitting here writing this it brings tears to my eyes...realizing how much he wanted me to be 'present'. He isn't just trying to 'get off' on his own personal thrill, he wants to bring me pleasure and joy...he wants to share intimacy with me. He wants to be intimate with me. He wants me to feel loved and desired and cherished and respected. I don't think I need to tell you that being with My Man is a whole different world and I think I like it.
You know what the best part of this particular time in our relationship is?
He wants to make me happy. I can feel that he is the type of man that feels more like a man when he can care for a woman and make her feel loved. It is almost like he is getting excited about being able to help me feel comfortable enough to relax and enjoy intimacy. (It kind of reminds me of when I took my massage class before I married - in the hopes I would get over some of my touch issues. All my classmates wanted to give me a massage because they wanted to see if they could do it in a way that I was comfortable - it was pretty obvious that I was extremely conservative...lol) He so WANTS to 'please me' and it makes him feel like more of a man to care and please his woman.
Wow...how lucky can I get? All that and brains too...oh...and his hairy chest (sorry - I know he will read this and I do love a good hairy chest.).
I have been thinking the last few days about if we are going to end up committed for eternity (we have decided that if we marry we will have an engagement long enough to try and get a cancellation of my sealing to my ex - I am understanding we will need at least 3 months) that I need to be willing to let him go if that is what the Lord wants for me. I don't know if that makes sense either...one of those...if you love them set them free...kind of moments. It makes me feel that if I can go to the Lord and say if the Lord has a different plan for me - I will follow it. If I can do that...then if we commit...it will be by choice and with the blessing of the Lord. I am pretty sure that is what we both want.
Wish me luck!
Showing posts with label Temple. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Temple. Show all posts
Monday, September 28, 2015
Monday, March 24, 2014
I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)
I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?
So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...
Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...
I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...
As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.
I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.
Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.
To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....
I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...
Thanks for listening...
So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...
Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...
I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...
As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.
I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.
Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.
To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....
I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...
Thanks for listening...
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I think I can do this.....
Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)
I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!
We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)
The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.
So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.
This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."
When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath". I think I am almost there...
As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.
I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....
True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name. God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.
Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response? How much time do you have?
I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!
We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)
The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.
So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.
This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."
When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath". I think I am almost there...
As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.
I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....
True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name. God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.
Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response? How much time do you have?
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Pros and Cons of Online Dating...
So...I am still communicating with my man but I have yet to met him.
This has become a huge issue for me because as I have written about in the past...my biggest 'sense' of what is happening and 'who' someone is...is what I 'feel and sense' in their presence. I remember all the sessions of counseling where I felt like I was 'deaf and blind' because my counselor would put up an 'emotional wall' to help me focus on what I thought and not use her as a 'mirror' and gauge my emotions off of how she was reacting. Here is what I mean... (picking up on the emotions of others) Well, you can imagine how this is starting to bother me with my online relationship with someone I can't see, touch or feel....
And I am trying to figure out how I feel and what I feel and who he is and what I want....not sure how much success I am having so far...but I am still in the game so that is a good thing.
He has said some interesting things that make me wonder how far down the path of healing I am...and where I need to go...he is extremely patient with me...not sure why (but I am sure it goes back to me having issues with feeling I don't deserve it). I was visiting a friend and she was kidding me that I was 'acting so in love' but she followed up with..."But you seem to think you aren't worthy of it...you don't deserve to be happy." I'm not sure what to think about that...this friend has known me for quite a long time and is very perceptive. I think she is right. I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it..how am I supposed to 'feel like I deserve happiness'...I guess just keep doing what I am doing...praying, reading the scriptures, trying to do what I am supposed to do. I know that my recent 'scripture reading' and studying the conference issue of the Ensign have been a huge help.
I got a new phone and I am really enjoying it. I can see why my kids were driving me crazy to 'get a smart phone'. Still not sure if I am smart enough for it...but I am learning. It is awful nice to have the scriptures handy...I went to the Temple last week and I was listening to some conference talks on the way...I listened to Elder Cook's talk Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness and I was intrigued with the end where he quotes John 14:27 because this is a scripture that my counselor has used and I have had several conversations about it with other people. In fact, one time I ended up talking to some of the workers at the Temple about it and I was told I should ask the Temple President. One of the workers came back to me the next week and she had been studying and researching and talking to people all week trying to figure out what exactly was meant by the phrase..."My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..." I have been trying to figure out the difference between the 2 forms of 'peace' and what is the difference..to me it seemed that one was a higher peace...one He is leaving with us...and the other is a gift...to me...a gift has a different significance because it is 'given' (usually out of love) and it must be 'received'. It makes me think of the picture of Christ and how the picture has Him knocking...yet there is no handle for Christ to open the door
because 'we' have to open the door and let him in. So...I kept thinking that was similar to the 2 different 'peaces' that John refers to...one of the Temple workers (the one that promised me she would go home and study for me) came up with the best explanation...the peace that He leaves with us is the peace of the atonement...he has left the gift of forgiveness for all so we can return to live with Our Father In Heaven...but if we 'accept it' (or receive the gift unto ourselves) we can feel that peace within our hearts...kinda cool..gotta say...
Anyway...Do I have a 'peace' regarding my relationship my my man? Yes...I think I do...are there things that worry me...yes...there are...do I have all the answers? No, I do not....sigh...guess I'll be working on my 'faith' as well....
I will say that he has opened my heart...I feel that I can love more than before...I feel that I am better able to love my children...my kids just got back from 'Trek" (youth re-enacting the pioneers crossing the plains in the late 1800s) we had a 'fireside/testimony meeting' and I looked over at one of my sons...I could see him squirming...I knew he was feeling the Spirit and was struggling with the decision to go up and bear his testimony. I was watching him for awhile and he finally turned and caught my eye...his face flushed and he looked away and never looked back at me...he knew I had caught him and knew what was on his mind. I felt so glad that 'he was feeling' what was going on...
I was getting ready for church the other day...we had been talking about getting rid of one of our dogs...I was on my way to my room to 'read' more of my scriptures...righteous desire, right?...and my youngest was sitting on the couch...at first I was going to just walk by...then I got to thinking that there was something wrong...I went and sat by him...he didn't want to talk...I snuggled up to him...put my arm around him...he dropped his head to my lap and I realized he was starting to cry...I learned that he really wanted to keep both our dogs...and so we talked about it and I told him we would do it...but he has GOT to get the dog to start sleeping with him...my bed is getting too crowded...I felt so happy that I was listening better and was able to 'be there' for my kids. Then last night my daughter started talking to me...and I was smart enough to put my laptop aside and 'truly listen' to her.....I can't express how grateful I am that I am better able to 'be there' for my kids. I remember my counselor making a comment about my 'keeping it together for my kids' and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior that my kids are not angry with God or the church. I look at everything they have been through and how it is making them stronger...I think about all the 'help and support' I have received from those beyond the veil.....how my knowledge has grown over the past few years...how I never dreamed I would be as strong as I am now...how my understanding of 'angels ministering' has changed...my awareness of 'spiritual beings' being present...my comprehension that I am never alone and have no need to fear...how I now understand that instead of praying to 'have a spiritual experience' to understand that spiritual things are happening every day...all around us...and I want to be worthy to 'feel' them and know they exist....I want nothing more than to feel the 'pure joy' of knowing my Father in Heaven is proud of me....so...my man asked me if I thought I was ready for a relationship...he asked me if I had myself figured out enough to be ready for a commitment...and the answer is yes. Does that mean it is going to happen? That is will happen with him? I have no idea....but I know that I am opening up my heart and that is a very important first step...
So...we had a misunderstanding (my online man and I) and it was bothering me...he was saying he wanted some time to 'cool off' and would get back to me...part of the problem with 'online relationships' is it is hard to figure out what exactly that would mean? He won't talk to me...till he is ready and I just 'hang out' until then? He will talk about other things but not what bothered him until he is ready? He will talk about other things...and then 'bring up' the other issue when he is ready? I wasn't sure what he meant...I understood the whole...I am mad or angry and need some space to think and process...but that is easier to see and understand if you are in the same physical space...but we are talking again...and that is good...
I do think that he is a 'little vague' sometimes...and because I can't 'see or feel' what he is saying...it is harder for me to understand exactly what he is saying...I think it frustrates him because he is trying so hard to understand me...he wants to feel that I am trying to understand him...and unfortunately...the strongest way I have to 'understand him' I can't use because we are still just communicating online...so...I guess it is just a process...
I do know that I will always be grateful to him, regardless of how our relationship turns out...because he has helped me to see that intimacy is a beautiful thing...I don't think I realized how distorted my image of intimacy had become since dealing with my abuse...and now it is something that I want in my life. That may be one of the biggest miracles I have experienced so far in my journey...and I will always be grateful that my 'online guy' came into my life...
Don't close the doors to a better future...just saying....there is too much beauty in the world....you might miss some...
This has become a huge issue for me because as I have written about in the past...my biggest 'sense' of what is happening and 'who' someone is...is what I 'feel and sense' in their presence. I remember all the sessions of counseling where I felt like I was 'deaf and blind' because my counselor would put up an 'emotional wall' to help me focus on what I thought and not use her as a 'mirror' and gauge my emotions off of how she was reacting. Here is what I mean... (picking up on the emotions of others) Well, you can imagine how this is starting to bother me with my online relationship with someone I can't see, touch or feel....
And I am trying to figure out how I feel and what I feel and who he is and what I want....not sure how much success I am having so far...but I am still in the game so that is a good thing.
He has said some interesting things that make me wonder how far down the path of healing I am...and where I need to go...he is extremely patient with me...not sure why (but I am sure it goes back to me having issues with feeling I don't deserve it). I was visiting a friend and she was kidding me that I was 'acting so in love' but she followed up with..."But you seem to think you aren't worthy of it...you don't deserve to be happy." I'm not sure what to think about that...this friend has known me for quite a long time and is very perceptive. I think she is right. I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it..how am I supposed to 'feel like I deserve happiness'...I guess just keep doing what I am doing...praying, reading the scriptures, trying to do what I am supposed to do. I know that my recent 'scripture reading' and studying the conference issue of the Ensign have been a huge help.
I got a new phone and I am really enjoying it. I can see why my kids were driving me crazy to 'get a smart phone'. Still not sure if I am smart enough for it...but I am learning. It is awful nice to have the scriptures handy...I went to the Temple last week and I was listening to some conference talks on the way...I listened to Elder Cook's talk Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness and I was intrigued with the end where he quotes John 14:27 because this is a scripture that my counselor has used and I have had several conversations about it with other people. In fact, one time I ended up talking to some of the workers at the Temple about it and I was told I should ask the Temple President. One of the workers came back to me the next week and she had been studying and researching and talking to people all week trying to figure out what exactly was meant by the phrase..."My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..." I have been trying to figure out the difference between the 2 forms of 'peace' and what is the difference..to me it seemed that one was a higher peace...one He is leaving with us...and the other is a gift...to me...a gift has a different significance because it is 'given' (usually out of love) and it must be 'received'. It makes me think of the picture of Christ and how the picture has Him knocking...yet there is no handle for Christ to open the door
because 'we' have to open the door and let him in. So...I kept thinking that was similar to the 2 different 'peaces' that John refers to...one of the Temple workers (the one that promised me she would go home and study for me) came up with the best explanation...the peace that He leaves with us is the peace of the atonement...he has left the gift of forgiveness for all so we can return to live with Our Father In Heaven...but if we 'accept it' (or receive the gift unto ourselves) we can feel that peace within our hearts...kinda cool..gotta say...
Anyway...Do I have a 'peace' regarding my relationship my my man? Yes...I think I do...are there things that worry me...yes...there are...do I have all the answers? No, I do not....sigh...guess I'll be working on my 'faith' as well....
I will say that he has opened my heart...I feel that I can love more than before...I feel that I am better able to love my children...my kids just got back from 'Trek" (youth re-enacting the pioneers crossing the plains in the late 1800s) we had a 'fireside/testimony meeting' and I looked over at one of my sons...I could see him squirming...I knew he was feeling the Spirit and was struggling with the decision to go up and bear his testimony. I was watching him for awhile and he finally turned and caught my eye...his face flushed and he looked away and never looked back at me...he knew I had caught him and knew what was on his mind. I felt so glad that 'he was feeling' what was going on...
I was getting ready for church the other day...we had been talking about getting rid of one of our dogs...I was on my way to my room to 'read' more of my scriptures...righteous desire, right?...and my youngest was sitting on the couch...at first I was going to just walk by...then I got to thinking that there was something wrong...I went and sat by him...he didn't want to talk...I snuggled up to him...put my arm around him...he dropped his head to my lap and I realized he was starting to cry...I learned that he really wanted to keep both our dogs...and so we talked about it and I told him we would do it...but he has GOT to get the dog to start sleeping with him...my bed is getting too crowded...I felt so happy that I was listening better and was able to 'be there' for my kids. Then last night my daughter started talking to me...and I was smart enough to put my laptop aside and 'truly listen' to her.....I can't express how grateful I am that I am better able to 'be there' for my kids. I remember my counselor making a comment about my 'keeping it together for my kids' and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior that my kids are not angry with God or the church. I look at everything they have been through and how it is making them stronger...I think about all the 'help and support' I have received from those beyond the veil.....how my knowledge has grown over the past few years...how I never dreamed I would be as strong as I am now...how my understanding of 'angels ministering' has changed...my awareness of 'spiritual beings' being present...my comprehension that I am never alone and have no need to fear...how I now understand that instead of praying to 'have a spiritual experience' to understand that spiritual things are happening every day...all around us...and I want to be worthy to 'feel' them and know they exist....I want nothing more than to feel the 'pure joy' of knowing my Father in Heaven is proud of me....so...my man asked me if I thought I was ready for a relationship...he asked me if I had myself figured out enough to be ready for a commitment...and the answer is yes. Does that mean it is going to happen? That is will happen with him? I have no idea....but I know that I am opening up my heart and that is a very important first step...
So...we had a misunderstanding (my online man and I) and it was bothering me...he was saying he wanted some time to 'cool off' and would get back to me...part of the problem with 'online relationships' is it is hard to figure out what exactly that would mean? He won't talk to me...till he is ready and I just 'hang out' until then? He will talk about other things but not what bothered him until he is ready? He will talk about other things...and then 'bring up' the other issue when he is ready? I wasn't sure what he meant...I understood the whole...I am mad or angry and need some space to think and process...but that is easier to see and understand if you are in the same physical space...but we are talking again...and that is good...
I do think that he is a 'little vague' sometimes...and because I can't 'see or feel' what he is saying...it is harder for me to understand exactly what he is saying...I think it frustrates him because he is trying so hard to understand me...he wants to feel that I am trying to understand him...and unfortunately...the strongest way I have to 'understand him' I can't use because we are still just communicating online...so...I guess it is just a process...
I do know that I will always be grateful to him, regardless of how our relationship turns out...because he has helped me to see that intimacy is a beautiful thing...I don't think I realized how distorted my image of intimacy had become since dealing with my abuse...and now it is something that I want in my life. That may be one of the biggest miracles I have experienced so far in my journey...and I will always be grateful that my 'online guy' came into my life...
Don't close the doors to a better future...just saying....there is too much beauty in the world....you might miss some...
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?
I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy. Just saying...
I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.
So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?
Her response...are you ready for this one?
She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.
I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)
It is quite interesting..to say the least.
So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love. I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"
When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...
I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old? He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...
"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."
So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!
Have a wonderful Sabbath!
I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.
So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?
Her response...are you ready for this one?
She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.
I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)
It is quite interesting..to say the least.
So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love. I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"
When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...
I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old? He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...
"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."
So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!
Have a wonderful Sabbath!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...
I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!
I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues? I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!
Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal? I think the jury is still out on that one...
I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference. What is a strong feeling? What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense? How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.
That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues? Is that why I registered on a singles website?
It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...
I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues? I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!
Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal? I think the jury is still out on that one...
I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference. What is a strong feeling? What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense? How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.
That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues? Is that why I registered on a singles website?
It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Disassociation and Loving My Children...sigh...
Well...my daughter leaves on her mission in a couple of weeks...I am very excited for her!
Of course this means that she has been spending all kinds of time with me and seems to LOVE simply being around me...oh yeah...it figures...NOW she loves me :) Now that she is leaving for 18 months....kids....
This started me thinking...(yeah...I can hear you say...EVERYTHING starts me thinking)...I started thinking about how I feel about my daughter...and I am realizing that my love for her is getting deeper...I am truly feeling connected to her...someone mentioned to her at the Temple that she didn't look like a 'first timer' and she was so proud of that...she responded..."Well..why should I be nervous...I went to prep class and you were right there taking care of me." That started me thinking about trust...and emotional connections...and how much I love my kids and the fact that I have always felt in the back of my brain that I didn't love my kids as much as other parents did...I know when they were little and other parents would miss their kids so much when they would leave them...like girls camp or whatever...I was never one to miss my kids...It just added to my list of things I was a failure at as a parent...
I am starting to wonder if I have been holding my kids 'at arms' length'? Am I so afraid to love that I can't even love my kids? Do I disassociate when my feelings for my kids gets too intense? Is part of my son's frustration (the one that lives with his father) with me the fact that he is extremely sensitive and feels that I don't love him? Wow...that one could hurt deep...
I remember my counselor saying a long time ago..."I remember when I read your profile, I thought, here is a woman that thinks her divorce is all her fault." I think she told me that when I was trying to understand the depth of my X's addictions and their effects on me and our family. I am wondering if her opinion has changed since all my 'dirty laundry' has come into the light? I am SOOOO tired of feeling that everything is my fault...that I am all messed up...that I have all this 'work' to do to be stronger emotionally...that so much of my life is screwed up because of the abuse that happened to me...I just want to live my life...but I don't have my life because of all the 'baggage'....guess that means I better go to my counseling session tomorrow....
Of course this means that she has been spending all kinds of time with me and seems to LOVE simply being around me...oh yeah...it figures...NOW she loves me :) Now that she is leaving for 18 months....kids....
This started me thinking...(yeah...I can hear you say...EVERYTHING starts me thinking)...I started thinking about how I feel about my daughter...and I am realizing that my love for her is getting deeper...I am truly feeling connected to her...someone mentioned to her at the Temple that she didn't look like a 'first timer' and she was so proud of that...she responded..."Well..why should I be nervous...I went to prep class and you were right there taking care of me." That started me thinking about trust...and emotional connections...and how much I love my kids and the fact that I have always felt in the back of my brain that I didn't love my kids as much as other parents did...I know when they were little and other parents would miss their kids so much when they would leave them...like girls camp or whatever...I was never one to miss my kids...It just added to my list of things I was a failure at as a parent...
I am starting to wonder if I have been holding my kids 'at arms' length'? Am I so afraid to love that I can't even love my kids? Do I disassociate when my feelings for my kids gets too intense? Is part of my son's frustration (the one that lives with his father) with me the fact that he is extremely sensitive and feels that I don't love him? Wow...that one could hurt deep...
I remember my counselor saying a long time ago..."I remember when I read your profile, I thought, here is a woman that thinks her divorce is all her fault." I think she told me that when I was trying to understand the depth of my X's addictions and their effects on me and our family. I am wondering if her opinion has changed since all my 'dirty laundry' has come into the light? I am SOOOO tired of feeling that everything is my fault...that I am all messed up...that I have all this 'work' to do to be stronger emotionally...that so much of my life is screwed up because of the abuse that happened to me...I just want to live my life...but I don't have my life because of all the 'baggage'....guess that means I better go to my counseling session tomorrow....
Friday, May 17, 2013
The Temple, Elegance and Exponential Improvement
I was my daughter's escort yesterday...what a wonderful experience...wow...sigh...all of that and more.
My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...
Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!" Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...
Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).
When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing" gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you." We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.
I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...
I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...
This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.
Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....
My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...
Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!" Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...
Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).
When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing" gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you." We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.
I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...
I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...
This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.
Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...
So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....
It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall. Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller. That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do. That was a nice thought..
Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...
So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...
Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be? I pray that He doesn't give up on me.
So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea. The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...
Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...
I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl. I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....
It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall. Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller. That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do. That was a nice thought..
Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...
So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...
Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be? I pray that He doesn't give up on me.
So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea. The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...
Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...
I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl. I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Coming Out of My Hole...Healing?
Well...I wonder if I am healing...maybe a little?
(If you are struggling with your healing you have to read Elder Scott's talk To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse and To Be Healed )
The negative monologue is definitely going away...it is funny...I will be at work and realize that I am actually kind of relaxed. I don't have some underlying anxiety thing going on all day long dragging me down. I think my big 'breakthrough' was when my counselor told me she wasn't going to make me do anything. That was a 'sledgehammer' up side the head! I can still easily get teary eyed thinking that I am 'free' and I can choose what I want to do. Maybe that is part of what needed to happen in my life. Because there is a part of me that feels 'utterly alone' (my father died about 8 years ago and my mother died 1 1/2 years ago) I divorced 2 years ago...I offended my brother's wives when my mother passed away and I have contact with only one and he lives very far away. So in many ways I am truly alone....But...
What if this is the environment I needed to be in to allow myself to 'embrace' the fact that I can do whatever I want? I am not listening to others tell me what to do...I am just me. Maybe I needed to be alone to understand I was 'free'?
I could easily make myself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons...but I guess the bottom line is that it happened...it is what it is...one of the phrases I 'caught' from my counselor is that..."If I could have stopped it...I would have." I may have to tell myself that for awhile before I can truly say I believe it in my heart...but it is worth it...and I think little by little...my heart is beginning to believe.
Don't get me wrong...one little 'ah ha' moment will not make everything better...I still have a lot of issues...I need to work on my control issues...I need to work on my 'emotional connection' with my kids...I need to continue growing and getting stronger...and I think that is a life time goal.
Besides...now my X is starting to drive me crazy...probably because my mind is relaxing a little and I am realizing how 'messed up' I was to ever think I was in love.
(If you are struggling with your healing you have to read Elder Scott's talk To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse and To Be Healed )
The negative monologue is definitely going away...it is funny...I will be at work and realize that I am actually kind of relaxed. I don't have some underlying anxiety thing going on all day long dragging me down. I think my big 'breakthrough' was when my counselor told me she wasn't going to make me do anything. That was a 'sledgehammer' up side the head! I can still easily get teary eyed thinking that I am 'free' and I can choose what I want to do. Maybe that is part of what needed to happen in my life. Because there is a part of me that feels 'utterly alone' (my father died about 8 years ago and my mother died 1 1/2 years ago) I divorced 2 years ago...I offended my brother's wives when my mother passed away and I have contact with only one and he lives very far away. So in many ways I am truly alone....But...
What if this is the environment I needed to be in to allow myself to 'embrace' the fact that I can do whatever I want? I am not listening to others tell me what to do...I am just me. Maybe I needed to be alone to understand I was 'free'?
I could easily make myself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons...but I guess the bottom line is that it happened...it is what it is...one of the phrases I 'caught' from my counselor is that..."If I could have stopped it...I would have." I may have to tell myself that for awhile before I can truly say I believe it in my heart...but it is worth it...and I think little by little...my heart is beginning to believe.
Don't get me wrong...one little 'ah ha' moment will not make everything better...I still have a lot of issues...I need to work on my control issues...I need to work on my 'emotional connection' with my kids...I need to continue growing and getting stronger...and I think that is a life time goal.
Besides...now my X is starting to drive me crazy...probably because my mind is relaxing a little and I am realizing how 'messed up' I was to ever think I was in love.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I Hate Going to Court (divorce)
So...I went to court today...sigh....
I am SOOOO tired of going to court...it is pretty bad because I can recognize the baliffs and the guards at the door. We have been separated now for 2 years...he has filed twice to try and get some of the kids to live with him...we have had to go to mediation several times...very exhausting!
I am learning to do better in the court room. At first I would feel like I needed to respond or defend every comment my X makes. I would get emotional and frustrated thinking the judge was going to believe everything he was saying...took me awhile to figure out the judges aren't stupid and if I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'.
We have had a judge for the last 8 months that was actually just a commissioner and had no control over the court room. He let my X and I 'banter back and forth' NOT GOOD...just saying...
I would just get so angry and things he would say I couldn't keep my mouth shut...so this time we had a new judge. He could tell that many things were 'carried over' from the other judge and did a pretty good job and keeping it moving.
So...I have to confess I 'dressed for success' (which is pretty amazing if you have read my 'Child Abuse and Dressing Up post) I even wore boots with heels...I will say I am getting more relaxed and trying to be more comfortable when men look at me and pay attention...sigh...haven't quite decided if I like the attention...but I am getting more comfortable with it...I think it did make me feel better...and when I sat down I didn't feel all desperate to argue or defend myself. So..I tried to keep my thoughts on my kids and what was best for them...
My X keeps asking for more time with the kids...that is so hard for me to 'deal with' because I know how 'messed up' he is...can't connect emotionally...I think of how many times my girls come back from visiting with him upset and hurt and crying...how my son that isn't as accepted as his brothers comes back hurt and upset...and I think 'I will never force them to visit their dad!' Then I realize how not having a dad seriously affects kids...how ever for us as adults...we know we have a mother in Heaven...we know she loves us...just like our kids now 'we' (their moms) always love them...but it's that darn 'dad love' that kids need to be emotionally healthy...just like we need to know how much our Heavenly Father loves us...and what a huge positive impact that knowledge can have on our lives...knowing of our Father in Heaven's love for us.
So...I am trying to have a positive attitude about my X getting more time with the kids..this, of course, will affect child support. I am now working 2 jobs and he is sitting in his apartment unemployed thinking I am going to start paying him child support. I keep thinking...'On What Planet That Was Created By Our Heavenly Father Is It Ok For A Man To Sit On His Butt, While His Wife Works 2 Jobs And Thinks It Is Ok?' Seriously...it is not ok...but society doesn't see things that way...
I remember some advice when we first separated...I was told, "Do whatever you can to stay out of court...don't let someone that doesn't even know you, your children, your beliefs, etc.make decisions for you and your kids." Well...I should have listened harder...because now I have the court dictating everything...If you are thinking divorce..do whatever you can to stay out of court.
Anyway...here is the advice I have for women having to deal with court...
Find a lawyer! :) I don't have money for a lawyer but my county has a lawyer that works 'pro bono' 1 day a week...I must say the secretary got to where she could recognize my voice on the phone...Being able to ask someone legal questions is a HUGE help if you can't afford a lawyer to represent you...I was able to gain so much confidence and learn how to 'work the system' so I didn't freak out every time I received some mail from the court. I had my friends mail my petitions...we'd make a party out of it and go to lunch together...some states also offer a waiver for the court fees if you qualify...if you are a 'stay at home' mom and your X works...then you would definitely qualify. Learn how to respond to petitions so you are not 'rattled' when you have to appear.
So...the ending of my story today is...the judge came up with a visitation plan...but we have to go to 'co parenting counseling' and the kids get 'sibling counseling' and then the kids can go individually if they want...sigh...what a mess...hopefully the kids will be able to process and deal with all the emotions and can begin to heal too...only time will tell...
Best part of court today? Child Support was postponed till April...oh yeah...
I am SOOOO tired of going to court...it is pretty bad because I can recognize the baliffs and the guards at the door. We have been separated now for 2 years...he has filed twice to try and get some of the kids to live with him...we have had to go to mediation several times...very exhausting!
I am learning to do better in the court room. At first I would feel like I needed to respond or defend every comment my X makes. I would get emotional and frustrated thinking the judge was going to believe everything he was saying...took me awhile to figure out the judges aren't stupid and if I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'.
We have had a judge for the last 8 months that was actually just a commissioner and had no control over the court room. He let my X and I 'banter back and forth' NOT GOOD...just saying...
I would just get so angry and things he would say I couldn't keep my mouth shut...so this time we had a new judge. He could tell that many things were 'carried over' from the other judge and did a pretty good job and keeping it moving.
So...I have to confess I 'dressed for success' (which is pretty amazing if you have read my 'Child Abuse and Dressing Up post) I even wore boots with heels...I will say I am getting more relaxed and trying to be more comfortable when men look at me and pay attention...sigh...haven't quite decided if I like the attention...but I am getting more comfortable with it...I think it did make me feel better...and when I sat down I didn't feel all desperate to argue or defend myself. So..I tried to keep my thoughts on my kids and what was best for them...
My X keeps asking for more time with the kids...that is so hard for me to 'deal with' because I know how 'messed up' he is...can't connect emotionally...I think of how many times my girls come back from visiting with him upset and hurt and crying...how my son that isn't as accepted as his brothers comes back hurt and upset...and I think 'I will never force them to visit their dad!' Then I realize how not having a dad seriously affects kids...how ever for us as adults...we know we have a mother in Heaven...we know she loves us...just like our kids now 'we' (their moms) always love them...but it's that darn 'dad love' that kids need to be emotionally healthy...just like we need to know how much our Heavenly Father loves us...and what a huge positive impact that knowledge can have on our lives...knowing of our Father in Heaven's love for us.
So...I am trying to have a positive attitude about my X getting more time with the kids..this, of course, will affect child support. I am now working 2 jobs and he is sitting in his apartment unemployed thinking I am going to start paying him child support. I keep thinking...'On What Planet That Was Created By Our Heavenly Father Is It Ok For A Man To Sit On His Butt, While His Wife Works 2 Jobs And Thinks It Is Ok?' Seriously...it is not ok...but society doesn't see things that way...
I remember some advice when we first separated...I was told, "Do whatever you can to stay out of court...don't let someone that doesn't even know you, your children, your beliefs, etc.make decisions for you and your kids." Well...I should have listened harder...because now I have the court dictating everything...If you are thinking divorce..do whatever you can to stay out of court.
Anyway...here is the advice I have for women having to deal with court...
Find a lawyer! :) I don't have money for a lawyer but my county has a lawyer that works 'pro bono' 1 day a week...I must say the secretary got to where she could recognize my voice on the phone...Being able to ask someone legal questions is a HUGE help if you can't afford a lawyer to represent you...I was able to gain so much confidence and learn how to 'work the system' so I didn't freak out every time I received some mail from the court. I had my friends mail my petitions...we'd make a party out of it and go to lunch together...some states also offer a waiver for the court fees if you qualify...if you are a 'stay at home' mom and your X works...then you would definitely qualify. Learn how to respond to petitions so you are not 'rattled' when you have to appear.
So...the ending of my story today is...the judge came up with a visitation plan...but we have to go to 'co parenting counseling' and the kids get 'sibling counseling' and then the kids can go individually if they want...sigh...what a mess...hopefully the kids will be able to process and deal with all the emotions and can begin to heal too...only time will tell...
Best part of court today? Child Support was postponed till April...oh yeah...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
The Good
I am active in the LDS church (yes...I am a mormon through and through) and I have never been angry with God. I have 5 incredible children that I love more than life itself. I have friends that will listen when I need to talk and care about me. I am able to work and provide for my children. More and more I am able to access my heart and my true feelings...I am able to feel more of my Savior's love. I live near a Temple and I am able to attend often. I feel the presence of my parents and others that have passed on. I feel their love and support for me, I know I am not alone. I see 'tender mercies' in my life every day as the Lord tries to communicate His love for me. My oldest daughter is almost old enough to go on a mission and is anxiously preparing, my next daughter is also talking of going on a mission. I am so proud of them both. I remember when I had the sister missionaries over to our house one time and she said, "You have no idea how nice it is to come to your home. Everyone in your home has a strong testimony and you can feel it when you come in." I have thought about that a lot. I am so blessed with the Spirits that my Heavenly Father has sent to me. They are incredible..and I can see them getting stronger as we travel down our path...believe me...there are a TON of bumps..but we are going in the right direction. My kids and I laugh about how at our house we don't try to hide our problems...there is some peace in that. Granted, I am not flaunting my issues...like I said...most people would have no idea the problems I am dealing with. But I am trying very hard to be upfront and open with what I am dealing with and what I perceive them to be dealing with. I am always praying for them and with them. I will say in my family prayer, "Help us to communicate the love we have for each other" and I think they are starting to get it...in between all the pain, there is love. I always tell them, you wouldn't feel so hurt and angry if you didn't care about each other.
The Bad
I can't remember how my abuse started. When things are too stressful for me to deal with my brain goes 'blank' and I can't remember what we are talking about.(This happens a lot in counseling...can't figure out if it is happening more than before or I am just becoming more aware). Sometimes I do wonder if my mind is ok...it has been trying to protect me and my heart for so long...it is like it has a mind of it own (ha ha).
I have serious control issues and counseling sometimes drives me crazy...I am a 'closet perfectionist' and I don't deal very well with things I am not good at..I am not good at counseling.
I seriously cannot keep my house clean. For whatever reason I just don't have the mental energy to get my kids to be responsible and clean up after themselves...I am not good at following up and being consistent.
The Ugly
My ex has not taken any responsibility for our divorce. He has tried to take some of the kids to live with him 3 different times. The kids are being separated and divided. They feel they can't love us both. the last mediator told him (us) that he wasn't going to divide our family any further. The kids told him they want to my oldest to get emancipated so they can live 'just them' and not have to deal with all the divorce issues. Ouch! Can't say I blame them...
All my kids need counseling but my ex won't give permission because he says that I use it to slander him (a little denial perhaps?). One of my daughters (I threatened my ex with charges if he wouldn't approve her to receive counseling so she is now in therapy) is suffering from depression in part because she has a chronic bone disease in her jaw..but more because of her relationship with her father. Her therapist asked if I could talk to my ex regarding how damaging what he says about me and how he treats her is to my daughter. I told the therapist if I could do that and he would listen...I would probably still be married.
My teenage son TOTALLY blames me for the divorce...he begged to live with his dad and when his dad lost his job..he moved closer and last fall my son moved in with his dad. My son has yelled at his siblings, "You hate me because I love dad!" Actually my other children were giving him space because he was such an emotional mess. My son has even gone as far as to tell me (in front of all the kids...sigh..)"Dad told you he had a problem with porn before you got married, he had problems later because you weren't keeping him satisfied." Yeah...that was a great weekend....all my friends tell me that he will come back...he just needs time. I was at the Temple one time doing sealings...and one of the brethren was talking to me while others looked for more priesthood holders to complete more sealings. We started talking and I told him a little bit. He smiled and said, "Mothers have a special bond with their children. Heavenly Father helped you pick your children, he will come back to you." I later found out he was in the original Temple presidency when our Temple opened. I see him all the time (he is a sealer) now and he always asks me how I am, looks me in the eye and lets me know he cares.He reminds me of my dad, I even had a sweet experience to reinforce it.
My ex has told my daughter that he doesn't want her to go on a mission because they she will turn out like me. He has told her he can't help her financially to go on a mission. Unfortunately for my ex, I think it is making her more determined to go on a mission.
Everyone keeps telling me that my kids will figure it out...I just need to be in the best possible place I can to be the best possible me and things will work out. This, of course, just adds pressure to my 'hurry and fix myself' issues...but I am trying to take it one day at a time.
I am active in the LDS church (yes...I am a mormon through and through) and I have never been angry with God. I have 5 incredible children that I love more than life itself. I have friends that will listen when I need to talk and care about me. I am able to work and provide for my children. More and more I am able to access my heart and my true feelings...I am able to feel more of my Savior's love. I live near a Temple and I am able to attend often. I feel the presence of my parents and others that have passed on. I feel their love and support for me, I know I am not alone. I see 'tender mercies' in my life every day as the Lord tries to communicate His love for me. My oldest daughter is almost old enough to go on a mission and is anxiously preparing, my next daughter is also talking of going on a mission. I am so proud of them both. I remember when I had the sister missionaries over to our house one time and she said, "You have no idea how nice it is to come to your home. Everyone in your home has a strong testimony and you can feel it when you come in." I have thought about that a lot. I am so blessed with the Spirits that my Heavenly Father has sent to me. They are incredible..and I can see them getting stronger as we travel down our path...believe me...there are a TON of bumps..but we are going in the right direction. My kids and I laugh about how at our house we don't try to hide our problems...there is some peace in that. Granted, I am not flaunting my issues...like I said...most people would have no idea the problems I am dealing with. But I am trying very hard to be upfront and open with what I am dealing with and what I perceive them to be dealing with. I am always praying for them and with them. I will say in my family prayer, "Help us to communicate the love we have for each other" and I think they are starting to get it...in between all the pain, there is love. I always tell them, you wouldn't feel so hurt and angry if you didn't care about each other.
The Bad
I can't remember how my abuse started. When things are too stressful for me to deal with my brain goes 'blank' and I can't remember what we are talking about.(This happens a lot in counseling...can't figure out if it is happening more than before or I am just becoming more aware). Sometimes I do wonder if my mind is ok...it has been trying to protect me and my heart for so long...it is like it has a mind of it own (ha ha).
I have serious control issues and counseling sometimes drives me crazy...I am a 'closet perfectionist' and I don't deal very well with things I am not good at..I am not good at counseling.
I seriously cannot keep my house clean. For whatever reason I just don't have the mental energy to get my kids to be responsible and clean up after themselves...I am not good at following up and being consistent.
The Ugly
My ex has not taken any responsibility for our divorce. He has tried to take some of the kids to live with him 3 different times. The kids are being separated and divided. They feel they can't love us both. the last mediator told him (us) that he wasn't going to divide our family any further. The kids told him they want to my oldest to get emancipated so they can live 'just them' and not have to deal with all the divorce issues. Ouch! Can't say I blame them...
All my kids need counseling but my ex won't give permission because he says that I use it to slander him (a little denial perhaps?). One of my daughters (I threatened my ex with charges if he wouldn't approve her to receive counseling so she is now in therapy) is suffering from depression in part because she has a chronic bone disease in her jaw..but more because of her relationship with her father. Her therapist asked if I could talk to my ex regarding how damaging what he says about me and how he treats her is to my daughter. I told the therapist if I could do that and he would listen...I would probably still be married.
My teenage son TOTALLY blames me for the divorce...he begged to live with his dad and when his dad lost his job..he moved closer and last fall my son moved in with his dad. My son has yelled at his siblings, "You hate me because I love dad!" Actually my other children were giving him space because he was such an emotional mess. My son has even gone as far as to tell me (in front of all the kids...sigh..)"Dad told you he had a problem with porn before you got married, he had problems later because you weren't keeping him satisfied." Yeah...that was a great weekend....all my friends tell me that he will come back...he just needs time. I was at the Temple one time doing sealings...and one of the brethren was talking to me while others looked for more priesthood holders to complete more sealings. We started talking and I told him a little bit. He smiled and said, "Mothers have a special bond with their children. Heavenly Father helped you pick your children, he will come back to you." I later found out he was in the original Temple presidency when our Temple opened. I see him all the time (he is a sealer) now and he always asks me how I am, looks me in the eye and lets me know he cares.He reminds me of my dad, I even had a sweet experience to reinforce it.
My ex has told my daughter that he doesn't want her to go on a mission because they she will turn out like me. He has told her he can't help her financially to go on a mission. Unfortunately for my ex, I think it is making her more determined to go on a mission.
Everyone keeps telling me that my kids will figure it out...I just need to be in the best possible place I can to be the best possible me and things will work out. This, of course, just adds pressure to my 'hurry and fix myself' issues...but I am trying to take it one day at a time.
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