There is a light...

Ok...so my ex has taken me to court 4 different times this year...all about money, child support (he lost his job again and wants me to pay him) and child visitation. I stuck up for myself at court and he was denied his request again...whew...

The next day, interestingly enough, my older son that has lived with him for 2 years called me up and wanted me to come get him. He and his dad had been arguing and he wanted to leave. I was surprised that he came out to the car with a laundry basket of clothes and a blanket full of stuff...

I fought the urge to 'join him' and complain about my ex. I told him that I loved him and his dad loved him and maybe he just needed some time to breathe. We talked about what he needed. He is a great kid. He worked 2 jobs all summer and now is working while finishing up his high school career. I worry that he is working too hard...concerned he will end up in a position like his dad. I think if he could he would emancipate himself...sigh...I offered to help him and told him my help was independent of where he lived, I offered it because I loved him and I was proud of how hard he was trying.

He hung out at my house for a couple of days...then made a deal (my son benefited) with his dad and moved back. What was interesting is how it changed the dynamics of my relationship with my 2 younger boys. Right now my 2 older kids are off on missions and college. That night my kids were supposed to be with their dad...but they decided that they wanted to come to my house. I just let them do what they wanted to do. I reminded them that I loved them and I always have and I always will. I told them that I would help them with what I could regardless of if they are over 18 or not. The 3 of them just seemed to relax. It was nice.

It has been a few weeks since then and I must say the change continues. I don't want to say my ex is evil or wish evil on him. But I do feel it is a shame that he is missing out and my kids are 'getting' it. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

We watched the Saratov Approach on Sunday...my 2 younger boys. It was so incredible. My boys were mesmerized. It was so different, the attitudes of my boys. I was a little emotional at the end. There was no 'belittling or mocking' at my tears or emotions (this is how it has been in the past...mainly because that is how my ex was. He could not handle emotions...so he insulted those that showed them). It was just a wonderful moment shared. We talked about how difficult it was for them (the missionaries in the movie) but how their faith changed what happened to them, and more importantly it changed how the missionaries felt about themselves and their Savior.  Awesome movie...I totally recommend it.

As I ponder why?  I think that I am receiving some blessings for continuing my faith and trying to do what I can. I think I am letting go of control issues. I have no control over my kids. But I can love them. I remember thinking so long ago...if I could just make sure my kids know that I love them...then all will be well. Or, at least I will be able to sleep at night...lol! I think my kids know what is right. They still all go to church. In fact, watching the movie was the alternative to going to the fireside. They didn't want to go to the fireside, so I told them they could stay home if we watched a 'church movie'. I think it was a good decision for all of us. I felt closer to my boys and it was nice.

I have 3 teenage boys...so I know that I am not out of the woods. I also know that I can deal with whatever comes along.

I was talking to my study buddy and we both were acknowledging that we are in such a different place than we were a few years ago. Our lives will never be the same. I am grateful to that change.

I am still dating movie dude. I am not sure if it will go anywhere...but I do know it is good for me to be with a man that cares about me and treats me with respect. For now we enjoy each others company and out time together. I am getting better at just 'taking it as it comes' and not trying to control it or make it into something it is not. Maybe I am finally learning how to 'enjoy life'?  I can only hope so.

Like they say...
It is good when it is over...if it is not good...it is not over.
My life is not over. Every time I am at the Temple I feel how much love those across the veil have for me. I feel how much my Savior loves me. I feel how much I want to try and do the right thing. How much I know that there is a plan for me and I do feel that plan includes a man to share my life. I am finally learning to enjoy the journey.

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

I think I can do this.....

Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)

I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!

We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)

The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.

So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.

This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."

When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath".  I think I am almost there...

As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.

I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....

True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name.  God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.

Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response?  How much time do you have?

Pros and Cons of Online Dating...

So...I am still communicating with my man but I have yet to met him.

This has become a huge issue for me because as I have written about in the past...my biggest 'sense' of what is happening and 'who' someone is...is what I 'feel and sense' in their presence. I remember all the sessions of counseling where I felt like I was 'deaf and blind' because my counselor would put up an 'emotional wall' to help me focus on what I thought and not use her as a 'mirror' and gauge my emotions off of how she was reacting. Here is what I mean... (picking up on the emotions of others) Well, you can imagine how this is starting to bother me with my online relationship with someone I can't see, touch or feel....

And I am trying to figure out how I feel and what I feel and who he is and what I want....not sure how much success I am having so far...but I am still in the game so that is a good thing.

He has said some interesting things that make me wonder how far down the path of healing I am...and where I need to go...he is extremely patient with me...not sure why (but I am sure it goes back to me having issues with feeling I don't deserve it). I was visiting a friend and she was kidding me that I was 'acting so in love' but she followed up with..."But you seem to think you aren't worthy of it...you don't deserve to be happy." I'm not sure what to think about that...this friend has known me for quite a long time and is very perceptive.  I think she is right. I am not sure what I am supposed to do about it..how am I supposed to 'feel like I deserve happiness'...I guess just keep doing what I am doing...praying, reading the scriptures, trying to do what I am supposed to do. I know that my recent 'scripture reading' and studying the conference issue of the Ensign have been a huge help.

I got a new phone and I am really enjoying it. I can see why my kids were driving me crazy to 'get a smart phone'. Still not sure if I am smart enough for it...but I am learning.  It is awful nice to have the scriptures handy...I went to the Temple last week and I was listening to some conference talks on the way...I listened to Elder Cook's talk Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness and I was intrigued with the end where he quotes John 14:27 because this is a scripture that my counselor has used and I have had several conversations about it with other people. In fact, one time I ended up talking to some of the workers at the Temple about it and I was told I should ask the Temple President. One of the workers came back to me the next week and she had been studying and researching and talking to people all week trying to figure out what exactly was meant by the phrase..."My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you..." I have been trying to figure out the difference between the 2 forms of 'peace' and what is the difference..to me it seemed that one was a higher peace...one He is leaving with us...and the other is a gift...to me...a gift has a different significance because it is 'given' (usually out of love) and it must be 'received'. It makes me think of the picture of Christ and how the picture has Him knocking...yet there is no handle for Christ to open the door

because 'we' have to open the door and let him in. So...I kept thinking that was similar to the 2 different 'peaces' that John refers to...one of the Temple workers (the one that promised me she would go home and study for me) came up with the best explanation...the peace that He leaves with us is the peace of the atonement...he has left the gift of forgiveness for all so we can return to live with Our Father In Heaven...but if we 'accept it' (or receive the gift unto ourselves) we can feel that peace within our hearts...kinda cool..gotta say...

Anyway...Do I have a 'peace' regarding my relationship my my man?  Yes...I think I do...are there things that worry me...yes...there are...do I have all the answers?  No, I do not....sigh...guess I'll be working on my 'faith' as well....

I will say that he has opened my heart...I feel that I can love more than before...I feel that I am better able to love my children...my kids just got back from 'Trek" (youth re-enacting the pioneers crossing the plains in the late 1800s) we had a 'fireside/testimony meeting' and I looked over at one of my sons...I could see him squirming...I knew he was feeling the Spirit and was struggling with the decision to go up and bear his testimony.  I was watching him for awhile and he finally turned and caught my eye...his face flushed and he looked away and never looked back at me...he knew I had caught him and knew what was on his mind. I felt so glad that 'he was feeling' what was going on...

I was getting ready for church the other day...we had been talking about getting rid of one of our dogs...I was on my way to my room to 'read' more of my scriptures...righteous desire, right?...and my youngest was sitting on the couch...at first I was going to just walk by...then I got to thinking that there was something wrong...I went and sat by him...he didn't want to talk...I snuggled up to him...put my arm around him...he dropped his head to my lap and I realized he was starting to cry...I learned that he really wanted to keep both our dogs...and so we talked about it and I told him we would do it...but he has GOT to get the dog to start sleeping with him...my bed is getting too crowded...I felt so happy that I was listening better and was able to 'be there' for my kids.  Then last night my daughter started talking to me...and I was smart enough to put my laptop aside and 'truly listen' to her.....I can't express how grateful I am that I am better able to 'be there' for my kids. I remember my counselor making a comment about my 'keeping it together for my kids' and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior that my kids are not angry with God or the church.  I look at everything they have been through and how it is making them stronger...I think about all the 'help and support' I have received from those beyond the veil.....how my knowledge has grown over the past few years...how I never dreamed I would be as strong as I am now...how my understanding of 'angels ministering' has changed...my awareness of 'spiritual beings' being present...my comprehension that I am never alone and have no need to fear...how I now understand that instead of praying to 'have a spiritual experience' to understand that spiritual things are happening every day...all around us...and I want to be worthy to 'feel' them and know they exist....I want nothing more than to feel the 'pure joy' of knowing my Father in Heaven is proud of me....so...my man asked me if I thought I was ready for a relationship...he asked me if I had myself figured out enough to be ready for a commitment...and the answer is yes.  Does that mean it is going to happen?  That is will happen with him?  I have no idea....but I know that I am opening up my heart and that is a very important first step...

So...we had a misunderstanding (my online man and I) and it was bothering me...he was saying he wanted some time to 'cool off' and would get back to me...part of the problem with 'online relationships' is it is hard to figure out what exactly that would mean?  He won't talk to me...till he is ready and I just 'hang out' until then?  He will talk about other things but not what bothered him until he is ready? He will talk about other things...and then 'bring up' the other issue when he is ready?  I wasn't sure what he meant...I understood the whole...I am mad or angry and need some space to think and process...but that is easier to see and understand if you are in the same physical space...but we are talking again...and that is good...

I do think that he is a 'little vague' sometimes...and because I can't 'see or feel' what he is saying...it is harder for me to understand exactly what he is saying...I think it frustrates him because he is trying so hard to understand me...he wants to feel that I am trying to understand him...and unfortunately...the strongest way I have to 'understand him' I can't use because we are still just communicating online...so...I guess it is just a process...

I do know that I will always be grateful to him, regardless of how our relationship turns out...because he has helped me to see that intimacy is a beautiful thing...I don't think I realized how distorted my image of intimacy had become since dealing with my abuse...and now it is something that I want in my life. That may be one of the biggest miracles I have experienced so far in my journey...and I will always be grateful that my 'online guy' came into my life...

Don't close the doors to a better future...just saying....there is too much beauty in the world....you might miss some...

Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...

Searching for my abuser..."I wouldn't do it!"

I am frustrated that I can't remember how my abuse started. I just know some of the horrible things that boy did to me and I can't figure out how I allowed it. I just can't believe that he could have done the things he did to me without something else happening before that. I am sure he was being abused...he couldn't come up with all that stuff on his own..I don't see how I could have been 'under his power' to that extend without something happening before that....some type of trauma or horrible experience...

I wanted to sit down with someone and go over all my family members and family dynamics and see what I can come up with. I tried to see if I could see my counselor...but she just left on vacation for 2 weeks. I tried to see if I could visit with another counselor that works in the same place, the one that helped me with the 'tappers' and she is also not available for the next week or so. I guess the Lord wants me to take care of this one myself...

I got thinking of a distant relative that I remember my mother said had molested his step daughters and a few other women in my family that I think or know were abused...it was a little disturbing to think it was more than 2 of us. It is funny how you perceive your family to be so awesome and together...then sometimes you look a little closer and it can be disturbing....sigh...it does make me wonder if there are any families that exist that are 'untouched by abuse'?

I called the wife of a cousin that is in this family and talked to her...it was so great to be able to open up to someone. She seemed so knowledgeable about abuse, I finally asked her how she knew so much and she reminded me that she used to work for the sheriff's department and they always sent the 'abuse victims' to her to help and support. She told me that she knows over 100 people that were abused and I would be amazed at who they were...we discussed the abuser of my relatives and I found out eventually that he liked young ladies (12-14) and not little girls (my abuse started before I was 7 years old). It was weird to talk about it so open and honestly. She was very aware of the abuser's history, there was no doubt he had harmed girls but I didn't fit his pattern. It was strangely satisfying to know that I was believed and yet was also able to eliminate a suspect.

With that small piece of 'calm' I began thinking about what some people have said..."Why do you want to dig up all that pain?" "Why can't you just let it go?" "What if you can't remember?" "What are you afraid of remembering?" I don't know the answers to those questions...what I do know is that I need to do something different than what I have been doing to put it to rest.  I can't just ignore it, that is what I have been doing the past 40+ years and look where it is has got me.

As I pondered this conversation in my head with my counselor (I don't want you to think I was talking or arguing with myself) I kept saying, Why? Why?Why? I found myself yelling to her in my head, "Because I wouldn't do it! I wouldn't do what he made me do if I had a choice! Something must have happened, before the abuse I can remember happened!"

As I said these words in my head my anxiety began to drop...I pondered why and decided that the words I was just yelling in my head 'felt right'. I wouldn't do it. I was innocent of the responsibility for what happened to me. I was not guilty of any sin. I had no reason to feel any shame or guilt. I have been trying to tell myself this for the past year or so...but this time it seemed to resonate in my soul. The emotion, intensity, and power of what I was 'yelling in my head' felt so strong and true. The words and what they meant seemed to settle deep in my heart and 'fit'. I have gained a new solidness and peace deep in my heart...I will do all that I can to keep it there...

I think I have some wonderful people in my family that love me and care for me. I also feel that there are some skeletons that no one has ever talked about...not alot...but some...and my family doesn't know how to talk about things....

The Temple, Elegance and Exponential Improvement

I was my daughter's escort yesterday...what a wonderful experience...wow...sigh...all of that and more.

My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...

Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!"  Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...

Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).

When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing"  gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you."  We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.

I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...

I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...

This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.

Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Counseling, Core Beliefs and Trying to Move a Mountain....(otherwise known as change)..

Ok...survived another session of counseling...
So here is what I have figured out...for whatever reason...when I was a child I understood that my opinions weren't as valid or important as the opinions of those around me...who knows how I came to this...but it resulted in my becoming quite perceptive to the emotions and thoughts of those around me.  I would then 'tune in' to others and try to do what I perceived that they wanted. This evolved into me feeding my self esteem on the ability to make others happy...in case you are curious...this is not a recipe for success.

I still don't know how my abuse started...but I can better understand why I didn't have the ability to say no or get away from him. I think that is why I felt I was a willing participant (that and the fact that I had disassociated from the pain and fear)...it was what he (my abuser) wanted.  Sigh...

My counselor talked about how 'confusing' it must have been to feel that I would be happy doing what other people wanted...but then when I was doing it it wasn't happy at all...sometimes I hate it when she does this..it is like 'Wow..that must have been so confusing for you as a small child..you couldn't process or understand it?" It is like she is almost 'baby talking' and I am sitting there nodding my head yes...part of me thinks she is trying to make me think that the thought has just occurred to her...but it is more likely that my healing is just following a textbook...and she is pretending to just 'realize' this stage...that is the part that bugs me...I don't know if I am just like everyone else that is trying to heal..basically going through the same stages..if so...dang!  Give me the textbook so I know what is happening...but that will probably 'interfere with the process'...and I won't learn for myself.  I hate it when you have to 'reinvent the wheel'. (Kind of like my job as a teacher...I am so tired of 'reinventing the wheel') Gotta say...sometimes growth sucks!

Then my counselor talked about how I would come into counseling (I have been in counseling off and on for almost 3 years...I didn't really start to deal with my abuse until about 8 months ago)...she talked about how I was so programmed to 'pick up on the emotions of others' and then I would come in and be almost obsessed with trying to figure out what she was thinking...so I could figure out what I was thinking...and she wasn't letting me in. I felt that she had an emotional wall up to block me from understanding what she was thinking and feeling...I couldn't see or feel what she thought..so I had no idea what I thought...it was like I had gone deaf (disconnecting as a child to my own feelings and emotions) and had learned to adapt...then I would go into counseling and suddenly I was also blind. I remember feeling void of any emotional input. I was putting out my feelers and getting 'nothing'. Extremely frustrating, in case you didn't pick up on that, to not be able to get any feedback from what I was doing or trying to communicate. She went on to mention that it sent me right back to being a kid, emotionally...I am pretty sure I would be embarrassed by how I acted sometimes in counseling...but hey...what can I say...nothing I can do about it now. So, of course, my counselor goes on about 'how frustrating that must have been for you' back to the baby voice...yeah...like getting frustrated at counseling was a concept I hadn't pondered or experienced...NOT!

So then we were talking about 'core beliefs'. This is another chapter in Mind Over Mood that talks about what your basic belief is (mainly about yourself). For example one of my core beliefs is that if anyone 'knew about my past...they would think I was a bad person and not like or approve of me'...this, of course, led me to constantly feel that my counselor hated me...because I was telling her all my 'dark secrets' and then I wasn't getting any emotional feedback to give me a response or reaction to how she was thinking...I didn't have any information to change my opinion...so...presto...she must think I am a loser and hate me. This is another example of a thought pattern that does not...shall we say...set you up for success or nuture a positive mental state.

So...what do I do to change these thought patterns that I have clung to for so many years...apparently it is ok if I don't 'get over it quickly'. That is comforting...because I am pretty sure I won't. I came up with a couple of phrases...one is..."I was sexually abused and the Lord loves me:" If I stick in the word 'still' or 'but' it doesn't count...because that changes the meaning of the phrase...it implies I don't deserve it. I did come up with this on my own...I guess that is good...my counselor seemed pleased...(but that implies that I am getting my answers through the impressions and thoughts of others...so I'll have to see how it works for me :)

My counselor asked me what I thought got things moving and changing in my head...that was easy to answer...when she told me she wasn't going to force me to do anything...then I heard/felt the emotion in her voice when she said, "You have been forced to do too many things in your life...I won't do that to you...not here...not in this room."  I think I will always remember how hearing that pulled me out of a fog...I did write a poem about it...one of the 'cleanest' poems ( I wrote it all out in about half an hour and only ended up changing a couple of words - very little pondering of what to say it just seemed to flow) "What is Trust?" I am still not too sure why it had such a huge impact on me...maybe it was the compassion in her voice...especially after so many months of 'no emotional feedback'. There was a desperation and sincerity in her voice...as if it was very important for me to understand that she truly meant it. I asked her at my next appointment why she said it so strongly...she said she just felt really impressed to make sure I was 'hearing' her.. I think she was feeling frustrated that I wasn't progressing, or trusting her, or whatever she was expecting me to do...there I go...feeling like I am not doing what people expect of me...that is another habit/core belief that I need to break...but one thing at a time...

She asked me how understanding that trust changed things...I said it gave me permission to be me...I was free...and I didn't know I wasn't free...until she said it...So...I guess I am making good progress...I still feel that a big chunk of my 'anxiety/depression' has dropped off and is gone...it has been almost 2 weeks and so I figure that is a good thing...

Next step, I guess, is to repeat my little phrases and see what it does...

I wouldn't say I trust my counselor completely...but I do think I am making progress...

Oh yeah...still haven't crossed over my wall...guess I am a big chicken!  I'm going back to the Temple in a couple of days...that might help!

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

She needs to rescue me?

Ok...had some time this morning (we have late church) and so I am trying to think what I can do to 'move along my healing process'. This is kind of an awkward thought because I have been told 'umpteen times' that I need to 'go with the flow'...which I am not very good at. I felt such a relief on Friday...and I have been wondering about that...but now it has kind of gone to a 'zombie no feeling' feeling...this makes me think I am avoiding again...I don't want to do that...which I guess is the whole point of me trying to heal...Anyway...

So...I start thinking back to my last counseling session and trying to see if I can get into that 'place' again.  I have been thinking about the 'wall' I have up and what color it is...what it feels like to run my hand over it...is it cold and hard...soft and penetrable? And I got thinking about how I felt that my wall was crushing me during counseling...so I got to thinking that maybe I just needed to 'walk through it'. So I try to think about my 'wall' and what color everything is...I think it is a 'dusty rose' color...I think it is a cross between the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group of people that 'go back in time' and hide in a sanctuary and the blind girl gets sent to 'the town' to get medicine. Or perhaps it is an old English wall like in the movie 'Secret Garden'? It has some ivy here and there...not a lot...

I am thinking about how I felt my wall expand...and start thinking that if it can expand..then it is flexible and I can perhaps penetrate it and walk through it. I am trying to visualize myself reaching through the wall...like in the movies when someone can do something they didn't think was possible...I am trying to imagine reaching out to the 'little girl inside' of me and thinking about how I  will 'save' her. I am lying in bed...thinking how I can do this...how does it feel?  How does it look?  What color is it? I am not having much luck...I curl up and grab my knees...the other day I seemed to make a lot of progress when I was curled up in a ball and rocking...it almost seemed to feel like I was able to connect with her because I was 'rocking and comforting her'?  I don't know...sometimes I feel like I am 'psycho' but it seems to make me feel better so I am going with it. Well, after about an hour...I am not having much luck. I am saying a prayer...thanking the Lord for all he has given me, my children, my daughter that will be leaving on a mission, my son that has been staying over this weekend, we had some fun together last night, etc.

I am trying to visualize helping the little girl inside of me...then I start thinking about what is on the other side of the wall...and I start to think that 'she' is there...and thinking about how I feel that 'she' can feel the Spirit, she KNOWS the love of our Savior, etc. I sit up and think I need to move on and do something more productive (like maybe make breakfast for my kids?). And I look at a picture on the wall...the one of the upper body of Christ from the side and he is hugging a little girl...she is being held by him with her face on His shoulder and her arms around his neck and he is loving and holding her. As I look at this picture it occurs to me that she is on the other side of the wall with Him. She is not alone, I am. She is not scared, I am. She knows what is going on...It is me that doesn't. There is nothing scary on the other side of the wall..there is nothing but love and acceptance. I am not the rescuer...I am the person that needs to be rescued. She needs to come bring me through the wall...

As soon as I started thinking this...tears began to flow...I know it is what I need to do...now I just need to figure out how to do it.  I guess that is progress?

Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...

Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.

The Morning After Drama..I will deal with it on my own.

Ok...it is a new day...it is raining...washing all the old away...

I was thinking I should go to counseling...but my counselor had family stuff come up and is out of town for 2 weeks...I have talked to another counselor in the past..so I called this morning and was going to try and see her.  She usually works today...but...wouldn't you know it...she isn't in today.  I guess the Lord wants me to stretch and solve my problems myself...or at least with His help.  I wonder how I will do?

I am going to talk to a lawyer this morning. I have a 'one time' consultation through work, so I will do that and see what information I can get figured out.  At least it is a plan and something that has the potential to help me out.

I have been feeling calmer...I am still very frustrated with the whole scenario but I am trying to deal. I am going to the Temple tomorrow and I want to be in the right frame of mind to be ready for any insight or inspiration the Lord wants to send my way.

Here is a down side...I am (obviously) very sensitive to emotions and what is happening around me...well...my daughter is just as bad if not worse...she came in this morning truly upset...couldn't figure out why...saying how she could barely function...I joked that she just described how I felt (we have discovered that she is an emotional sponge) and I told her she needs to 'quit picking up my vibes'. So now, since I don't have enough guilt...I have to worry about messing up my daughter...sigh...I will say it makes me wonder if I was as sensitive as she was before my abuse. Kind of adds a new dimension to how much it would have messed me up and why my brain 'shut it out'.

So...where do I go from here?  I talked to my bishop last night...he said to not worry about money for my daughter's mission...I need to take care of my kids and if I need help they will help. That was nice...I was surprised how upset I became when thinking about how it will be harder for me to 'support' my daughter on her mission because of her father's actions. I am not sure if that is control issues or pride...

Remembering Memories and Easter

Well...it was another exciting day in my life. I was spending a lot of time in the car driving yesterday and that of course gets me thinking about all my 'issues' and sometimes it is nice because it is 'uninterrupted thinking/pondering time' and that is hard to find sometimes....sometimes it is just frustrating because I can't stay focused...yesterday I was able to stay focused...

So...I am thinking about my abuse and realizing that a memory of a house I thought I was babysat in as a 4 year old was a memory of the house of my abuser (I didn't live next to my abuser until I was 5). I remember getting my tonsils out when I was 3 or 4 and I remember being at someone's home and being terrified to come out from behind the couch (I remember a lady kept asking me if I wanted something to eat...if I wanted to come out...she would sit nearby and was reading a book or something to keep an eye on me) The explanation I put to the memory was that I hadn't been to her house for a long time and I was a very shy child and there weren't any other children there...Now I am thinking that was not what really happened...

Well...I kept thinking about this memory and trying to figure out what it truly was.  This, of course, got me thinking that maybe I was abused more in my neighbor's home than I remember (which I am sure is true since I don't remember how my abuse started and I am pretty sure I didn't just ask the boy next store to 'shove stuff up in me' or try to freak me out, hurt me, and scare me). Then I realized that I was 'massively disassociating' whenever the abuse was happening...which would explain why when I would think back to the memory that I was feeling that I was a 'willing participant'. I had always had the thought in the back of my brain that I must have wanted it at some level because I couldn't remember any fear or pain or anything else...I realized yesterday I was not a 'passive participant'.

Then I started feeling my body react as I was thinking about all of this...the strangest sensation was in my 'private areas'...I tried to play 'counselor' and think how my counselor would react...what she would ask me...trying to get me to 'identify my feelings and put it into words' and I realized that the sensation I was feeling wasn't a 'good sensation' (as in sexual arousal that was accompanied with 'guilt' and wondering if I 'wanted my abuse') but rather a heightened sensitivity in 'anticipation of pain'...this added to the intensity of the thought that I was not a 'willing participant'. It also added another dimension of the 'reality of my abuse' and that my mind really has blocked out things that are horrible...that is just a weird concept...to realize and accept that I was sexually abused to the point that my brain had to 'block it out' to protect me...I felt like I had just 'dropped down' another layer...towards getting to the real memories of everything that happened to me as a child.

This was a very new idea as you can imagine...as I was thinking about it...my heart began to race...my breathing became shallow...about this time I show up at my counseling session...they always want me to fill out those 'how are you feeling' surveys...I said no (did you know you can say no sometimes?  Kind of empowering..I just gotta say)...I didn't want to fill out the survey...I pulled out my 'scribble notebook' (I have a couple of different notebooks...this one is for me to get my thoughts out...I'll burn it when it is full) I began writing like mad to sift through the feelings and organize my thoughts in my head...

As I am writing I realize my heat is pounding, my chest is tight, my breathing is rapid and shallow...and I am shaking like crazy...it hits me again..."what kind of hell did I live through that is causing my body to react like this?"  "I am a grown woman...this happened over 40 years ago"

Well...I got most of it out and was able to organize my thoughts a little in my head...I was a little 'flustered' as I began my counseling session...but I think all and all I was able to handle it very well...and that was HUGE!

I talked about it with my counselor and even moved on to some other things...so I guess I truly am healing...wow...what a concept...to 'be ok in my skin'.  That is my goal....but...life keeps happening...

I even had enough together that when I got home (my daughter had invited another family over for dinner) I was able to act reasonably normal and had a nice time...

I figure I better handle it when this stuff happens, especially since I keep praying to remember what happened...I want the Lord to know that I can handle it if He opens my mind and helps me to remember...If I can't handle it...I better quit asking for it...

Now the kids are in group counseling...I have 'co-parenting' counseling again tonight...my X invited me to his family's Easter Party..the girls told me I shouldn't go (I don't want to go anyway...they all hate me thinking I have 'destroyed' my X) because it would just give my X hope.  My girls tell me that he thinks I have just gone temporarily insane and will come back to him if he is patient...SERIOUSLY?  Wow....

My friend told me the other day she was thinking about me when she read in the Doctrine and Covenants 127:2 "God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me." And let me tell you...as I ponder over all that has happened this last week...I feel it is so true...it just keeps coming and coming and coming...and amazingly enough..it doesn't scare me like it used to. I truly feel that it is because I know I am not alone..

I was reading Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage and I loved the line in chapter 33 "...For those of His chosen ones who were true to Him, the Lord had no feeling less than that of the love and of yearning for their victory over Satan and sin." Oh how I want to be a 'chosen one' and make the Lord proud of me and the things I have been able to accomplish...I can't even imagine the joy that would bring...

This morning I was reading about the atonement...as I read Doctrine and Covenants 19:18 "...Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain." I thought back to yesterday and how I was trembling because of remembered pain...Now don't get my wrong...I am in no way saying what I have experienced is anything close to the atonement...but I will say I have a teeny, tiny bit more understanding of the pain that He felt...what it feels like to 'tremble with pain'. And I know that He paid the price for the sin of my abuse...He has taken the burden and pain of my past off my shoulders...He is helping me to feel whole.  He is my Savior.  He is there for me. I willl do everything in my power to be near to Him so that I may feel His love and influence through the Holy Ghost...for I know that THAT is the only way I will be able to return to Him and our Father.  And that my friends...is a goal worth keeping! I can testify of that in His name, the name of Jesus Christ!  He is real and He lives!

Survived Counseling...I know everyone was worried.

Well...I went to counseling today...no cancellations...that was good.  Work was a little better to so that helped.  All and all...not too bad of a day.

I don't have as much anxiety towards counseling as I did before...I still hate sitting there in the waiting room...sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and just rock myself...other times I want to pace...I think the first time my counselor came to get me and I was standing up looking out the window...she was nervous..wondering how I was feeling...figuring I was pretty antsy I guess.  I got an 'Uh oh...up pacing already?" Wasn't sure what to think of that...can't say as I blame her..considering some of the moods I have been in when I arrive at counseling.

My friend that is a counselor says that I need to trust my counselor more with my emotions...that my emotions are like a big tank of water and the counselor can control the spigot (if I let her that is) and I need to trust that she can let some of my emotions out and will know when to slow it down and shut it off it necessary so I can leave and function after the session...that's kind of hard for me still..

But...today went good...my counselor is in love with 'thought journals' and yes...I am wondering if she is reading this...if so, sorry...just had to say it...

So...I have been an obedient client (by choice not force) and recording my thoughts...I guess it helps...I do feel better when I can write stuff down...but then I just get to bed that much later...sigh...sleep is probably over rated, anyway...but I feel like I have too many different journals...I have a 'happy journal' that I write down good stuff and tender mercies...then I have a 'must burn before anyone sees' journal that will be burnt when full, thought journal (Mind Over Mood (book) taken from the structure of Mind Over Mood, and then another journal that has 2 parts...one...what I feel the Lord is trying to tell me through impressions and inspiration and part 2 is what stands out from counseling and what she is trying to tell me...so..yeah...it takes me awhile to go to bed...plus...I now have this blog...people are looking at it..so I am hoping it might be helping someone out there...

I think part of what helped today be better is that I have been praying and reading my scriptures more the last 8 months than I ever have...of course my patriarchal blessing tells me to do this a couple of times...but you know 'passive aggressive' me...yeah...didn't happen as much as it should have.

My counselor complimented me on my ability to actually have a 'dialogue' apparently I don't interact very well...I wonder if that is the same thing as.."can't play nice with others" you know...that box on the preschool report card? 

I want to continue working on 'feeling while thinking'. There are some things that I am trying to remember and when I think about it..I just can't stay focused on it.  I am becoming more aware of my 'brain cramps' (I think the technical therapy term is - disassociation) and trying to NOT go brain dead.  But that is easier said than done...

I find myself feeling that I am 'so close' to getting it. I feel like I can feel the Lord wants to tell me something and I feel like I just need to go 'further' or 'down one more level' and I will be there...I feel like I need to find a quite place and just truly 'commune with God' and I will get connected...but I am so busy right now...and when I do have time to try and 'ponder' I can't stay focused...extremely frustrating...just gotta say :)

So...I guess the only thing to do is just be patient (oh yeah...another thing I am not very good at) and try to be aware and not 'freak out' about it. And eventually I will be able to understand what the Lord wants me to know...

Elder Holland has said, "God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe." (This, The Greatest Of All Dispensations CES Fireside September 2004)

Guess I need to keep working on my faith and believing....

Divorce and Ex Inlaws

Ok...
I am not too sure how I feel about the whole...ex in law concept. The other day my kids' cousin (on their father's side) was getting baptized. I wanted the kids to go...I know family support is important at things like this. At the last minute my son said that I was welcome to go also...first off...I hate being an 'after thought' and second...I think most of his family blames me for 'destroying' my X. My X has not taken any responsibility for our divorce and my girls told me the summer after we separated they were at his mother's home and she asked them..."Has your mother said anything as to why she is doing this?" Now my girls are smarter than the average kid and they knew the major issues and were smart enough not to say anything...but they have asked me several times since then..."How much do you think grandma knows?  Should we tell her?" What a mess to put your kid in, right?  My X can't get mad at me for that...he told my girls, "I had a porn problem and your mom won't forgive me" he thought they would feel sorry for him...but it just alienated them more...sad...

So...last year when my oldest graduated from high school we had a 'family gathering' and I invited my X's family. It was a little awkward...but we all survived...one of his sister's in law showed up later and was soooo sweet and kind to me. I mentioned to her, "Thank you so much for being so kind and caring about me." She responded, "I love you...what happened between you and your husband is between you two...I will always care about you." It just warmed my heart...and I know she really meant what she said. I later was talking to a friend about it and she said that I can't keep up relations with my X inlaws...that my X will take it as an attack on him...think I am trying to get his family to side with me...he will resent me even more...sigh...

I guess I can see what she was saying...but then I see some of the wives be so supportive to my kids and ask about me...it just makes me wonder...because I don't have enough guilt in my life...

So...divorce and ex-in-laws...I guess technically I am no longer related...but does relation always need to exist to care about someone?

I think I'll need to ponder this one for awhile...

I Wish It Didn't Affect My Kids

Today I am trying to get to everything I should go to...
Sports for the kids...parties...a birthday weekend for a child...it is crazy...but good.

My son that lives with his dad makes it even harder...I feel like he just does whatever he wants...when his dad doesn't have gas money to take him anywhere..then suddenly he wants to 'stay at my house' and I feel like I am being used (Ok..it is more than a feeling...I am still a doormat sometimes) but then he comes around and he can be such a great kid...then I wish he was living with his siblings...and I know it affects them all...they all need to know they are loved by their siblings...and feel supported...regardless of which parent they are aligning themselves with...I just can't figure out how to do it.

I am glad in some ways the judge is making them go to counseling...I hope they take advantage of it. I look at them (my kids) and see how strong they are as individuals and the desires they have to do the right thing and I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude to a Heavenly Father that has blessed me with such incredible children...and it sometimes breaks my heart to see them go through all of this...I guess that is part of life.

I remember my daughter asking me during conference...right after the talk Can Ye Feel So Now? (Quentin Cook October 2012) if that was true...followed by..."Because dad has caused an awful lot of tears".  On one hand it breaks my heart that she would feel that way...on the other hand?  The sad thing is that her dad doesn't even realize it...how strong and powerful are the chains of addiction....

Monday 3/11/2013
My older teenage son (that lives with his dad) came over last night. I remember so well that first judge and what he said when my X tried to take some of the kids to live with him the first time..."Don't you know it can cause irreparable damage to separate siblings?" When my older son comes over..he tries to be the 'dad' and boss everyone around...my middle son is getting used to not having him around so when he shows up my middle son will pick arguments with him because he feels 'threatened'. To make a long story short..everyone is hurting and it struggling to treat each other with love and respect. I wish I could take them all to counseling...but some think counseling is a waste...I will say the ones that want to go to counseling..have a 'brighter glow'. You would have a hard time convincing me that it is not connected...those that can 'see' that things are going on in their lives and have a desire to make it better, not just blame it on everyone...seem to have a better countenance...sigh...I just don't know how to fix it.

My daughters are so hurt by how their dad treats them...they don't even want to talk to him or be around him..my X just can't see his part in the problem.  Granted, I know I am not perfect, but at least I am trying and doing what I can to make things better.

It just breaks my heart to see them hurt...after a discussion last night with a couple of my kids I told them..."I have no idea why you need to go through this...but what I do know is that it is making you stronger." I went on to talk about the kind of mother and father they would be...how they would be so loving and nurturing to their children. I told my daughter how she would marry someone that truly loved her and she would see her husband wrap his arms around their daughter and love her, accept her and she would know what it would mean to her daughter. I told my son how he would be a father that 'plays' with his children and love them and helps them to feel good about who they are...and that all I know is that their Heavenly Father loves them...I love them...and they are strong enough to come through this as a better person...

It did seem to bring a better Spirit into our home after I talked...we all cried a little...and smiled at the end.  Life is not for wimps...I can't take away their pain...but maybe I can help them to remember who they are and where they can get strength...and remind myself in the process.