My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?

Counseling makes me crazy!

Ok...my counselor was on vacation...so I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks. I have been seeing her once a week for over 6 months..I probably missed a week here or there for holidays...but not many.  My guess is it has been a very relaxing 3 weeks for her...I felt that I was doing pretty good...until now. I have my appointment tomorrow...

I just don't get why I can't figure out the rules of the client/therapist relationship. I get angry and frustrated all the time and have all these conversations in my head with her and I usually end up getting mad at her for whatever comes to mind. It is like everything she says is going to make me angry...sometimes I think it is because I want her to care about me...so I want to make her mad so she then communicates that she cares I guess?  Man it makes me feel messed up...I guess it is all the boundaries crap I just can't get...

I feel that there is so much to talk about...I called and asked if I could have 2 hours scheduled...the secretary called back and said she wants to stay with one hour...this, of course makes me think I drive her crazy and she can't stand to talk to me. Then I wonder if she just hates the days that I come to see her...if the times she suggested I go and see someone else if it was because she really doesn't want to talk to me...then I wonder if maybe she does like me and wants to help but it is part of the whole 'boundary' crap and she knows that I won't get stronger if I don't have the ability to stand on my own two feet. She can't be my friend and I hate going into her office and wondering if she is going to be open or if she is going to have her 'emotional wall' up and sit there and watch me freak out? It reminds me of the time I was griping to her about 'her having her wall up' and she says, "Do you have any idea the energy you bring in here?"  Of course I respond yes...but I really don't...I have no idea how my energy is perceived...I do get the drift that I have quite a wide spectrum of energy...but even that is based on what?  My perspective...and what is that?  What is my point of reference?  I have no idea...

I sit and think what I am going to say tomorrow..everything from when she opens the door and says hi...to when I have to walk down the hall to her office...I am just glad it isn't very far...I want to say so many stupid, smart aleck things...and what is the point of that?  What good will that do me?  If I try to be mature for a minute I realize that she is a counselor, it is her job to listen to me and help me figure out ways to better deal with my emotions...so..is she supposed to be my friend?  no...it is just weird to try and figure out how I can share all my secrets with someone and have that person not mean anything...

I am trying to figure out if I should discuss some of the sacred things I have experienced this last week...so I send her an email and ask if her office/building has been dedicated like the churches are? My counseling friend talks about how her office is a sacred place because people share their innermost thoughts and that each person deserves respect as a child of God. I figured that would be a reasonable question...her office is part of LDS Services next to DI so I was wondering if the buildings were dedicated...but no response..

That made me mad...granted I used to send a ton of emails but I don't anymore...and it was a simple question...why couldn't she just answer it?  She made the comment a couple of visits back when she said I was acting like a kid...then she said she expected it because a lot had been happening...and it was no big deal..well..I am thinking I am really going to be acting like a flippin idiot tomorrow...I feel that I want to be true to my feelings...but I would also like to act as if I have some sort of control of my emotions...

Ahhhhhhhh.....I hate it when I get like this!

Then I want to just shut down and not say anything...but that doesn't help either...then I get her lecture of 'why do you come to counseling?' 'What do you want to get out of therapy?'

How the hell should I know what I want? I'm screwed up, remember? I just don't want to feel this way anymore...that's what I want...

Man...some days I wonder if I will ever get out of therapy...

Ok...I have been thinking about it...I am glad I am going to counseling...it is just hard...but then...(of course) my counselor did say it would be hard...nothing like being warned...

Acting like a child is a good thing?

Here is my insight today....
When I went to counseling last week...before my appointment, I had a meeting for work. After the meeting I was talking to one of my co-workers that is a very dear friend. She was telling me about her cousin that had tried to commit suicide. She was trying to figure out how she could help her and we were discussing the fact that her cousin needed to 'want' the help and 'they couldn't force her'. I talked to her about my experience about trust and not understanding the option of 'choice'. We had a great discussion...I was feeling that my experiences were helping someone else and that made me feel good. We talked right up until I had to leave for my appointment.  I am feeling good and get to my appointment...I am happy that I don't get 'sick to my stomach' anymore when I have my appointments. As I sat there waiting for my counselor...I started getting anxious and antsy.

My counselor comes and we are walking back to her office...she keeps looking at me...I am walking behind her..I don't want to walk next to her..I don't know why...we get in and sit down...I am doing my 'wiggle' thing that makes me feel like I have 'Parkinson's disease' and I feel that my mind is in a whirl. My counselor looks at me and asks, "What's going on? I feel like I have a 5 year old here?" So, of course I interpret that as 'bad' and I am supposed to act composed when I come...after all, I was composed when I had to meet with her and my X. So I obviously can be composed if I want to...so why don't I want to...I feel like I just want to do what is comfortable...not what I perceive to be correct behavior...I am thinking inside...I just feel better when I am 'curled up' on her couch...hugging my knees or ankles...it is like I am giving myself some physical protection and it allows me to focus mentally and open up more.  It is kind of weird...but I am more comfortable and I feel like I can get 'deeper' faster...that should be a good thing, right? She asks me what I am thinking about and what I was thinking about before I came to my appointment...the only thing I can think of is that maybe I didn't have all the time to 'mentally prepare' before coming to my appointment since I was so involved talking with my friend?

Anyway..I am looking at the bookstore the other day and I pick up the book Dear Sister, Once Abused and started reading. The author talks about her abuse...it seems like she has the same goal that I do with my blog...hoping her experience will help others...I am reading about her first major flashback/memory recall and she calls some therapist and the therapist says, "How nice." The author is obviously confused and asks what the heck she is talking about and the therapist responds with, "How nice that little Victoria, that has been buried inside of you, finally felt safe enough to let you know what happened to her so long ago."

Ok...so I have been thinking about that...thinking about how I have been happy and grateful that going to counseling doesn't make me sick anymore...that I am sitting in the waiting room and I usually feel pretty decent...and I still feel a little anxiety come...but by the time we walk down the hall to her office I have felt like I am a mess the last couple of times...so here is my theory...the child inside of me is feeling more comfortable in coming out...and that is why I want to curl up and comfort myself and doing so relaxes me so much...so I guess it is a good thing?

I'll have to try and talk about it with my counselor tomorrow...see how I feel about it...I sometimes get annoyed with my counselor...I remember her saying a long time ago that she hasn't had a 'ton' of experience with abuse or trauma...and most of the time when she responds to me I can't decide if she is 'playing dumb blonde' and knows exactly what is going on but acts like she is just figuring it out or is really learning along with me...I don't know why it matters...I guess I feel that sometimes if she is playing dumb blonde it almost feels insulting...or is that just my ego?

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

She needs to rescue me?

Ok...had some time this morning (we have late church) and so I am trying to think what I can do to 'move along my healing process'. This is kind of an awkward thought because I have been told 'umpteen times' that I need to 'go with the flow'...which I am not very good at. I felt such a relief on Friday...and I have been wondering about that...but now it has kind of gone to a 'zombie no feeling' feeling...this makes me think I am avoiding again...I don't want to do that...which I guess is the whole point of me trying to heal...Anyway...

So...I start thinking back to my last counseling session and trying to see if I can get into that 'place' again.  I have been thinking about the 'wall' I have up and what color it is...what it feels like to run my hand over it...is it cold and hard...soft and penetrable? And I got thinking about how I felt that my wall was crushing me during counseling...so I got to thinking that maybe I just needed to 'walk through it'. So I try to think about my 'wall' and what color everything is...I think it is a 'dusty rose' color...I think it is a cross between the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group of people that 'go back in time' and hide in a sanctuary and the blind girl gets sent to 'the town' to get medicine. Or perhaps it is an old English wall like in the movie 'Secret Garden'? It has some ivy here and there...not a lot...

I am thinking about how I felt my wall expand...and start thinking that if it can expand..then it is flexible and I can perhaps penetrate it and walk through it. I am trying to visualize myself reaching through the wall...like in the movies when someone can do something they didn't think was possible...I am trying to imagine reaching out to the 'little girl inside' of me and thinking about how I  will 'save' her. I am lying in bed...thinking how I can do this...how does it feel?  How does it look?  What color is it? I am not having much luck...I curl up and grab my knees...the other day I seemed to make a lot of progress when I was curled up in a ball and rocking...it almost seemed to feel like I was able to connect with her because I was 'rocking and comforting her'?  I don't know...sometimes I feel like I am 'psycho' but it seems to make me feel better so I am going with it. Well, after about an hour...I am not having much luck. I am saying a prayer...thanking the Lord for all he has given me, my children, my daughter that will be leaving on a mission, my son that has been staying over this weekend, we had some fun together last night, etc.

I am trying to visualize helping the little girl inside of me...then I start thinking about what is on the other side of the wall...and I start to think that 'she' is there...and thinking about how I feel that 'she' can feel the Spirit, she KNOWS the love of our Savior, etc. I sit up and think I need to move on and do something more productive (like maybe make breakfast for my kids?). And I look at a picture on the wall...the one of the upper body of Christ from the side and he is hugging a little girl...she is being held by him with her face on His shoulder and her arms around his neck and he is loving and holding her. As I look at this picture it occurs to me that she is on the other side of the wall with Him. She is not alone, I am. She is not scared, I am. She knows what is going on...It is me that doesn't. There is nothing scary on the other side of the wall..there is nothing but love and acceptance. I am not the rescuer...I am the person that needs to be rescued. She needs to come bring me through the wall...

As soon as I started thinking this...tears began to flow...I know it is what I need to do...now I just need to figure out how to do it.  I guess that is progress?

Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...

Am I turning into a monster?

Ok....
I tried to talk to a member of my bishopric last Sunday. My son that lives with his dad is blowing things out of proportion (who'd a thought that a young boy would misinterpret and get emotional, right?) saying the leaders in my ward don't like him...this is not the case...it is just that some things have come up and they have mentioned them and my son has blown them out of proportion.  My goal was to talk to him and ask him (and hopefully pass it on) to take a 'proactive' role and just let my son know he was welcome...I am not too sure I succeeded or not...

It turned into..."We grew up together and I want to talk to you as a friend" and that went off into..."You (me) made a mistake...you should have stayed with your X for your kids' sake...keep your enemies close...now your X can spend time with your kids and you have no control over what he does...blah blah blah"...he says how he doesn't know all the facts but that I made a mistake...that my kids are all screwed up now because of the divorce...he goes on to tell me how worried he is about that...

Yeah...not too sure how well I dealt with it...I felt like I was in control the entire time...I felt like I was focused...my daughter told me later she saw us talking and it looked like I was trying to beat him into a corner...that wasn't quite my goal :) He went on to say that his mother put up with abuse from his father and stayed with him for the kids' sake...I don't think that is always a good idea...but that is just my opinion...

I told him I was abused and I don't think he was even listening...we were both talking very intently...he is an 'orator' by profession and I don't think he is used to people in his face...but he was in mine too...I think we both just felt really strong about what we were saying...

It was crazy because then he was saying that I was attacking the bishop...that I came on really strong...and blaming the bishop for everything...that the bishop can't 'call my son in' because my son lives in another ward now...there is a really fine line and I am asking him to cross it...on and on and on and on..they can't MAKE my son want to live with me...I wasn't asking for any of that...all I wanted was for my son to feel welcome coming to my ward...I wanted the members/leaders to say (if they saw him) "Hey...glad you came...I hope you know you are always welcome"  That is all....

The more I thought about it...I think that they feel guilty for what has happened and so he thought I had come to him with a different agenda...that I was trying to get him to convince my son to come live with me...that I wanted the bishop to apologize and it was all his fault...wow...back to being invisible...you know?

I just wanted them to know that my son had misunderstood and nothing else had happened (no positive interactions) to change his mind...that doesn't seem like such a bad thing...

I think the hard thing is that they (bishopric) haven't had to deal much with divorce...they are afraid I am asking them to take sides...the old..."I don't know exactly what I can do...so I don't want to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing"

It is just so frustrating...every time the other kids invite my son to something it always turns into "the leaders hate me...they say I can't come...and well...you can imagine"..I admit my son it 'blowing it out of proportion' but if no one is saying anything different...he is just feeding his misconception...sigh...

Then I thought more about my so called 'friend in the bishopric' and thought..."What the heck?! What was the point of throwing in my face that you think I was wrong to divorce my X?" I certainly am not going back...you admitted you didn't know all the facts...you have no ecclesiastical authority..you're not my bishop...my home teacher...and what is to be gained?  Want me to feel like crap? Trying to show me you have some 'enlightened knowledge'?  Trying to make me grovel?

I finally came to the conclusion...I stood up for myself pretty good...if I take my 'new found inner strength and insight' I would say he felt intimidated...I don't think he is used to people standing up to him...and arguing with him...but he is the one that kept bringing back the fact..."We're friends...we grew up together...I care about you...etc..." I think I was matching his intensity...and I am sorry...you throw accusations around like that and people are going to react...

He gave me a hug at the end...and made a comment about "we can talk like this and still be friends, right?" And I guess we can...does make me wonder what the ward thinks of me...sigh...so much for 'appearing together and strong'...

I talked to my friend...and she made the comment that I was gaining some incredible inner strength...but that some people may not be used to it...I think she was gently trying to warn me not to turn into a monster...

The upside...I think my 'inner child' sensed that I stood up for us...and I think that was a good thing...

Coming Out of My Hole...Healing?

Well...I wonder if I am healing...maybe a little?

(If you are struggling with your healing you have to read Elder Scott's talk To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse and To Be Healed )

The negative monologue is definitely going away...it is funny...I will be at work and realize that I am actually kind of relaxed. I don't have some underlying anxiety thing going on all day long dragging me down. I think my big 'breakthrough' was when my counselor told me she wasn't going to make me do anything.  That was a 'sledgehammer' up side the head! I can still easily get teary eyed thinking that I am 'free' and I can choose what I want to do. Maybe that is part of what needed to happen in my life. Because there is a part of me that feels 'utterly alone' (my father died about 8 years ago and my mother died 1 1/2 years ago) I divorced 2 years ago...I offended my brother's wives when my mother passed away and I have contact with only one and he lives very far away. So in many ways I am truly alone....But...

What if this is the environment I needed to be in to allow myself to 'embrace' the fact that I can do whatever I want? I am not listening to others tell me what to do...I am just me. Maybe I needed to be alone to understand I was 'free'?

I could easily make myself crazy trying to figure out all the reasons...but I guess the bottom line is that it happened...it is what it is...one of the phrases I 'caught' from my counselor is that..."If I could have stopped it...I would have." I may have to tell myself that for awhile before I can truly say I believe it in my heart...but it is worth it...and I think little by little...my heart is beginning to believe.

Don't get me wrong...one little 'ah ha' moment will not make everything better...I still have a lot of issues...I need to work on my control issues...I need to work on my 'emotional connection' with my kids...I need to continue growing and getting stronger...and I think that is a life time goal.

Besides...now my X is starting to drive me crazy...probably because my mind is relaxing a little and I am realizing how 'messed up' I was to ever think I was in love.

PTSD and the Dentist

So...here I am thinking so much about my abuse as a child...thinking about how I could just lay there and let my abuser do what he did...wondering how I was able to keep it a secret from my parents (till the day they died) and how scared I was...wondering how much I have blocked out (I can't remember how my abuse started - in fact the experiences I do remember basically start in the middle of the abuse)...and I go to the dentist...

As I lay there...I began to think...not too many people enjoy going to the dentist...I know for me...I have been fortunate enough to have dear friends for a dentist for most of my life. So I don't have the 'negative' feelings that some people have when they go...I also had braces as a child...I remember I was often complimented on my ability to just sit there while I had my braces adjusted...I often would simply read a book (holding the book around the doctor's hands so I could see) it didn't seem that big of a deal...

Then today...I wondered if the skill I was using to sit in both the dentist chair and the orthodontist chair (and I'll admit...when I go to the gynecologist) was one I developed while being abused.  They are all situations where someone is 'doing something to you' that is not 'pleasant' and the better you can 'sit still' the easier and faster it goes. I sat in the hygienist's chair today and let my mind wander...and I began to feel my body tense up...the lack of focus on the 'scrapping'...and wondered again...what happened to me that I had to develop this deep of a coping skill to survive? As I lay there today...I thought..maybe I should shut my eyes to better focus and try to process what I was thinking...then I realized that with my eyes closed I didn't know (see) what the hygienist was doing and that just triggered too many 'control and trust' issues..so I gave up on that idea...

I will confess there were many times in my marriage while being intimate I would 'let my mind wander' because I didn't want to say anything to my X. Sometimes he would 'trigger' my fear of sexual energy and I knew if I said anything or shut down he would back off and not give me any attention...and I guess I rationalized that some attention is better than nothing. Either that or I was afraid to have him mad at me..I don't do very well with anger either...sometimes I wonder what I can deal with...after all... I don't deal very well with rejection. I think that is another indicator that we (my X and I) didn't have a very good communicative relationship...and perhaps that is a key to my abuse...or maybe how it started.  My family didn't 'neglect me' they just all had lives and interests...I was the youngest and I remember always wanting to 'be accepted' by them. Maybe I was so desperate for attention...I was willing to put up with the abuse rather than feel alone. I just looked back at this last line I wrote...and think how crazy it is...but it is still what I think sometimes...

But that puts me in the 'blame' mode...and I wonder...seriously...could a 6 or 7 year old girl be able to make that kind of decision? I work at a school and often work with younger students...when I was first beginning to process my abuse I was testing younger kids...I saw the fear in their eyes...being told there were going to take a 'test' with a stranger...leave their classroom and teacher and go off with a stranger..I saw the teacher try to talk them into coming with me..telling them if would be fun...as I looked in the faces of those 5 and 6 year olds that were scared to come with me I thought...how could anyone force someone so young...to do anything even close to what was done to me? As I would talk to them, and joke with them most of them relaxed...and even smiled...I would see their desire to 'please' and 'do it right'..their eyes were so innocent and afraid..I just wanted to hug them and tell them that I would make sure no one ever hurt them...I thought of the time I was locked in the closet at his house and my brother came over to play with his brother and my abuser left me in the closet, naked with string wrapped all around me to hold the things that he had put inside of me....and I wondered.. How could I have been a willing participant?  How could I have not been terrified? How could I/can I blame myself for what happened...I was so young...so innocent...so unaware...I lived in a home full of boys/men...but none that would tell me to do something that was wrong...how was I supposed to stand up to anyone?

I have a dear friend that was also abused and she struggled to deal with it after she was married...she talked about how her husband 'stuck by her' and together they were able to work through it. Sometimes it makes me feel angry that my X didn't try to help me 'deal' with it.  But then...I didn't really help him deal with his issues either...this is when I tell myself that I wasn't participating in an inappropriate behavior during our marriage...so that should 'excuse' me from the sin...right? The issues my X and I had were all his fault, right?  My issues 'happened' to me...his issues were his choice, right?  Or were they?  Were mine?

Monday 3/11/2013
I went to the eye doctor today...after thinking about this post...it was weird...I almost 'freaked out' at the 'eye puff' thing that checks for glaucoma...I sat there telling myself..."Don't let him touch you" and then I would tell myself I was making a big deal out of nothing...then he would have to get close to me (I have long legs) and reach over to his machine and I was surprised how much it was bothering me...I know that he was not doing anything wrong...it was just me stressing...it would be nice if I could get all this stuff to become a memory I didn't have to think about...or react to...maybe that is what is hard...getting the memory 'put away' but still being aware it is there...sigh....

Meeting the Little Girl Inside Me

I am feeling lots of different things...I am feeling that 'pit in your stomach' sometimes related to stress...sometimes related to anticipation of bearing your testimony...sometimes just stress...I am feeling excited...I am feeling calm...I am feeling peace...I am feeling anticipation...most importantly...I am feeling and I am not afraid!


I am thinking about 'bonding' with the 'inner child within me' that was abused so long ago...I think I really want to now...I have thought about it before...but I don't think I was ready.  I never felt like I knew what to do...what to say...how I could comfort her...how I could protect her...what I could do...

I am a little scared that it will bring memories...I am not afraid to have the memories...just anxiety about what those memories might be...you see...I don't know how my abuse started...I don't know what happened the first time someone violated me..I keep thinking something must have happened before the boy next door started molesting me. He and I were the same age...I figure we must have been 6 or 7 years old (can't remember exactly when it started)...I am sure he was being sexually abused also...there is no way he would have the desires he did at that age unless someone was violating him...I can't see myself just going along with it..I wonder about people of my past...family, friends, anyone...It just seems that something must have happened that I have blocked out...I keep telling myself there must be a good reason for me to block it out....My memories of my abuse start when I remember the boy next store having so much control over me I would do anything he wanted...he had me convinced I wanted it and I would get in trouble if I ever said anything...

But I think about meeting her...that little girl that seems so scared and alone...both of us reaching to meet in the middle...her wanting to trust me to take care of her..me wanting to be with her and protect her...this time I will protect her.  We will not allow anyone to mistreat us again.  Funny how I like the idea of 'we'...part of me thinks it makes me psycho...part of me thinks it is a step towards healing...I guess I'll have to see which one wins...

I wonder how I am supposed to meet her?  I guess just visualize?  Imagine her...think about her coming together with me...the old 'hug yourself' seems kind of lame...

Well...lots of feelings are bouncing around...I'll have to see what happens...sigh...

Thursday 2/28/2013
I felt her close last night...I wondered how I could 'connect'...as I drove to work today...I began thinking of one of my abuse experiences...the one that I can remember better now (see enhanced memories) and I began to feel how scared she was when it happened. I remember thinking how confused she was to try and understand why someone would want to hurt her. I began to cry myself. I remember saying over and over this morning in my head..."Why would I let someone do that to me?" "Why didn't I stop it?" "It hurt me so bad, yet I did nothing." I began to feel that I was once again blaming myself for what happened. I began to think about how hard it is to forgive myself...I was less than 8 years old when it started...yet I still blame myself...She does not feel as close today...perhaps I need to work on forgiving myself...maybe I blame her? I am going to the Temple tomorrow...I hope to gain some insight or at least some spiritual support.

I was thinking last night...I am finally at a point that I really want to 'bond' with her. I want to feel complete...and I am trying to convince myself that I will take all the additional 'baggage' that will come with bonding with her...whether it be additional memories, horrible recognition, feeling things that were done to me, or even things that I perhaps have done.  I think that is the big issue..fear of something I might have done to start the abuse...but then I tell myself I was such a little girl...how could I have done something so wrong that I would need to be so afraid as an adult?

That is one of the big mysteries....

Friday 3/1/2013
Went to the Temple today...prayed a lot about how to process what is happening and how I am supposed to 'bond' with the girl inside of me. Made some attempts to 'self tap' (tapping myself - alternating hands - I tried on my chest and on my knees - chest is more intense) tried doing it while reviewing some of my 'emotional baggage'...I think it helps...I just don't feel as 'stressed out' or have the 'anxiety monologue' like I used to after pondering my 'issues'...and that is a good thing.

The answers I came up with (with a little inspiration) are:
*I need to reach out to her without feeling any guilt or shame.
*I need to reach out to her.
*I need to 'share' at least one of my abuse experiences. (I think I will do this in counseling...my counselor talked about her role as a 'witness' to what happened..to support me...so I am thinking that I need to truly 'share' not just regurgitate the facts with an emotionless tone...that will be hard...I think I'll take a blanket to my session...I can use it to comfort me physically...so I can 'stretch my comfort zone' emotionally.
*If I can deal with my guilt and shame (I know...do you believe I can still feel that it might be my fault?) then I will be in a position where she can feel safe. (and yes...part of me still feels like I am a 'nut case' talking to myself...but...hey...if it works...I'll try it) She needs to feel safe and protected before we can 'bond'. 
*I think connecting with her will be key in my 'taking back' my heart and feeling all I want to feel again.
*Maybe we can meet in the middle and help each other find a happy balance between a loving heart and a intellectual mind.

So...going to spend some time tomorrow with my kids and Sunday is fast Sunday...I'll write my letter and see how it goes at counseling on Tuesday...

Sunday 3/3/2013
I am working on the letter to the 'little girl' in me. Interesting concept...I am trying not to feel like I have a split personality...every time the 'little girl' is mentioned in counseling I am always asked, "What would you say to her? What does she need to hear? What would you say if you knew a little girl that this happened to, what would you say?" So I am writing about that..

I am thinking about the experience I remember the best and it is weird...it seems to be taking on a role like an abuse scene in a movie. Perhaps it is just starting to feel more real to me and that is the shift I am feeling. I was thinking it wasn't going to be that big of a deal to share with my counselor...but then..I always seem to think my abuse was no big deal.  When will I ever learn? Maybe what I am feeling is an increase of the emotion attached to the event. I visualize myself telling the story and it is becoming more alive. I hope it doesn't get too weird..I need to go to work tomorrow.

Wednesday 3/6/2013
Well I gave my counselor my letter...she ended up reading it to me and we talked about how I was feeling about it. It went ok...I think mainly because I had sat through the Temple and prayed so much about it. I do think I feel closer to that part of me that 'slipped away' so many years ago... Last night my daughter was talking about her mission...trying to figure out who is going to pay for what...and I just felt so overwhelmed with love and I thought to myself...'we at least collided' and it was nice.

I have been debating about posting the letter I wrote...well...in the hopes that it will help someone else...here it is...

March 3, 2013

To the Little Girl Inside of Me (otherwise known as me),

This letter is to help me connect with you…I want to try and figure out how to bond back with you, but I am not sure how to do that. I am asked what do I think you need, what do I wish someone would do to me. If I could, I would scoop you up and hold you tight and rock you till the tears stop flowing and you believe how much you are loved. But since I can’t do that, I think I’ll start with talking about how you came to be and who you are. It is important that you understand these concepts.

You came to be when I was being sexually abused. I don’t remember how the abuse started and I have gaps in what happened, but I know that you can remember it all. I know that you are afraid and alone and don’t know how to make it better. I understand why you would be afraid, what happened to us was very wrong and frightening.  It was the wrong actions of another person, actions that took place because bad things were happening to him too. I think you went into hiding because it was more than you could handle and I appreciate that you protected me when we separated. You took those memories that were too painful for me to bear with you so I would not be afraid. When I married, it just made it worse for you and pushed you farther away, I know that and I am sorry. Things are different now, I am older and I am no longer afraid. I want you to come back; I promise that I will never allow anyone to hurt us again. One day I hope that you can share those missing memories with me and I can help you, so you will no longer be afraid.

Who you are is more important than how you came to be. Who you are is a beautiful daughter of Our Heavenly Father who loves you very much. You also have some special talents and gifts that you are not able to share as long as we are apart. You are a fighter than never lost her faith in Christ. You never stopped protecting me; you never got angry at God or turned away from Him. I will always be grateful for that. You are a huge reason that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. You have always helped me to feel when His Spirit is near. You have an incredible capacity to love and forgive others, which is why I never got angry with anyone over what happened to us. This is how I know that you are strong, you can love, you can grow, and you are not weak.

The biggest reason that I want us to be together is that I need you. You hold a very special part of me. You hold the part of me that can ‘truly feel’ the love of our Elder Brother. When we were together we were young and His Spirit was strong. We could feel when He was close and could recognize Him. When we separated, you took that part of us with you. I am sure it was to comfort you and help you to not feel afraid, but you don’t need to be afraid anymore. I am beginning to remember how His Spirit felt and I long to feel it again. I can remember His warmth and love. You kept that incredible capacity to love and feel His Spirit with you. I hope that when we can get together you can share with me that part of my heart that can ‘truly feel’ all the wonderful things that exist in the world to feel.

I have an idea that may help us ‘get together’. I think one of the barriers between us is guilt and shame. It is easy to take on the guilt of what happened and tell ourselves it was our fault. This causes even more shame as we think we could have stopped it and we realize how horrible the abuse was. It is humiliating to think that we would let someone touch us and hurt us like our abuser did and not fight back, it just seems wrong. We tried so hard to be good, so why would we do something so bad? But the part we are forgetting is that we were so young, we did not have the ability to tell him no. We did not understand why someone would want to hurt us like he did. He told us it felt good, but it didn’t. We tried to understand it as he would tell us how it should feel, but it just didn’t make sense to us, that is when we started to split. Something inside of us knew it was wrong and that is where our guilt and shame started to grow. We let the guilt and shame take over and it has followed me my entire life. I want to get rid of it.

So, here is my idea… I have been trying to remember the most traumatic incident (that I can remember) as much as I can these past few days. I am trying very hard to think about everything, how I felt, what it looked like, what I was thinking, everything. I even sat in the Celestial Room at the Temple the other day and tried to go over the entire incident while praying to Our Heavenly Father to help me rid myself of the guilt and shame. I prayed to lay my guilt and shame at the feet of our Savior who died for us. I am thinking that I could ‘share’ the experience with my counselor. By share, I mean to have a dialogue, she could ask me any questions she wanted and I would ‘share’ by telling the story with feeling and emotion. If I revert to simply regurgitating the facts, it won’t count. My counselor would be a witness to what happened to us and help us to make sense of it. I am hoping that this experience will help us both to comprehend that we had no responsibility for what happened. I think we filled the hole you left behind in my heart with guilt and shame…if I can get rid of the guilt and shame there will be room for you to return.

I feel that if I can do this, you will see that it is safe to come back, perhaps we can meet in the middle? Then you can share your heart with me and I can help protect you from further harm. Together we can be an incredible tool in the hand of Our Savior and help make the world a better place so others don’t have to separate like we did. Or even better, we can help other separated little children to find their way back so they can be whole.

I know you are getting closer to me, I can feel you getting stronger so I think we are on the right track.

Me

As I go back and forth wondering if it is all really true...or just wondering if I have a 'split personality' I visualize 'where she is' and I feel that she is very near. I remember before I would always envision her down a dark well...or way off in the dark...always far away and alone and scared...I don't see her like that now...I feel like she is right next to me...

I think of the movie Sybil with Sally Fields and at the end she meets her 17+ (or however many) split personalities that her mind created to help her deal with the abuse...and the camera backs off as she is greeting each one...and we see Sybil laying on a blanket with her counselor and hugging herself and the counselor is saying..."As Sybil welcomes the different people into her heart she is loving and accepting herself" (or something like that) and so it makes me feel kind of stupid to want to 'hug her' but if you notice the beginning of the letter...I say I am told I should do for her what I would want done to me...then I say to 'hold and rock her till the tears stop flowing'. And I think about how nice it would be to have someone hold me and rock me and help me to feel loved and let me cry my tears out...but I guess I don't have anyone physically that I can do that with...

I have had a dream about my mom (she actually is around quite a bit...kind of nice that she understands everything and I don't have to explain it) and I remember sitting next to her telling her everything and being aware that she was dead...but we were interacting and chatting...then my son woke me up...(Sunday afternoon nap time) I remember feeling so frustrated that I woke up and it was over...and I remember thinking...maybe if I go back to sleep real fast...I can go back to my dream...it worked...and I remember feeling so happy that I could finish talking to her..then I said to her, "Mom, I wish I could hug you...but I know it is just a dream and you are dead"...she smiled and put her arms out to me...I will never forget as I reached out to hug her and I could truly 'feel' her hugging me and loving me. Maybe I need to have that dream again...

Thursday March 21, 2013
I have felt a presence the last week or two...I am not sure who it is...for awhile I thought it might be my mom but it feels different. I think about it and I see in my head myself sitting on a bench and someone sitting right up close to me...right up next to me...someone that makes me feel warm inside and loved...I can think about it and the feeling comes immediately and I feel loved....I figure I'll just go with it for now...

My counselor asked me about my letter...if there was anything else to talk about...I don't know...there is a part of me that thinks...how incredible it would be if there was a part of me that I could bond with and it would make me feel more loved...if it could open up my heart and help me feel the Spirit more...how could that be a bad thing...I know the presence I feel is female...is it the 'little girl inside me'?  I have no idea...

I know it is someone that cares about me and that helps me to feel stronger and do what I feel it right.  So I am grateful for her.

Today on my way to work..I got thinking about things...some days I commute more than others and so on the days that I drive farther I often will sing hymns, primary songs, or my favorite Afterglow song Help Me Find The Way..."Father, Canst thou hear me?  Do my words pass by unnoticed in the air?  I've bared my aching soul to thee...I've struggled in my misery and I'm wondering...is someone really there?"...I LOVE this song...Anyway...I'll sing bits and pieces of this song or others...and I usually get a little teary eyed...and this morning I felt my mother again..I haven't felt her as strong as I felt her this morning for a few weeks...I was again brought to tears feeling overwhelmed with her love and knowing how proud she was of me.  I guess she knows how hard it is right now having to see my X every other day in all the counseling and kids activities that we are doing...it was nice.

I also learned that the presence I am feeling is not my mother...maybe it is part of me...part of my heart that has been closed off...that I haven't allowed myself to feel...I just know that I like it...so I'll try and be content with that.
 

The Abused Child Within Me

Ok...
So...I guess part of healing is getting in touch with the child part of me that was abused. I think the theory is that when severe trauma happens...a part of you stops growing...and then you end up an adult with an 'inner child' that is hurt and separated from you as an adult. And if I understand it all accurately...that is why when my abuse 'triggers' get triggered...I react as a child...I can't deal with things emotionally...I crumble...I panic and need to talk to someone that will 'validate' or 'solve my problem' or 'tell me I am not crazy'.  I mean...friends are awesome...but who wants to do that all the time...

I went to counseling yesterday and we talked about doing something to help me get 'unstuck' emotionally. I feel like the 'abuse baggage' is overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to just shove it in a corner of my mind...that is what I did as a child...and it really doesn't seem to be working anymore....so I have been just letting my emotions bounce all over during counseling...driving my counselor crazy...she keeps offering ideas for me to do...I just kind of 'blow them off' thinking she doesn't understand or care...it was becoming a vicious circle...and I was going nowhere fast.

I tried EMDR last fall (EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) EMDR Wikipedia link I was nervous at first...I mean hey...I have control issues...what makes you think I am going to let someone wave their fingers in front of my face in an effort to help me 'relax' and think about my problems.  But it wasn't as bad as I thought...actually kind of interesting...I was kind of surprised at the range of emotions and feelings I would get during the process. The oddest feeling was when I realized something (an event) that could dig up such strong emotions...was now no big deal...kind of refreshing I will admit. I think it was a big help in lowering my 'panic and stress' levels of my issues so I could talk about things and try to deal with my life.

Well...now my counselor is thinking I should try again...this time the other therapist would be in the room with me and my counselor...Yes...I am messed up enough to require 2 therapists...so I gave it a try...this therapist used these 'tapper' things...a small object that fits in your hand and vibrates. You hold a tapper in each hand and they alternate vibrating. The goal is to let both sides of your brain participate in the healing. They say the 'tappers' stimulate both sides of the brain simultaneously and this helps all of your brain to 'reprocess' the trauma. It is supposed to help with 'emotion overload' or 'cerebral thinking' where you are either all emotion..or devoid of emotion and all intellectual thinking (this is when I tell myself it was no big deal...just keep moving through life...who cares...I am ignoring how I truly feel about things). So...yesterday I tried the 'tappers'.  Gotta say...too much stimulation for me...I felt that my eyes were twitching when the tappers were 'buzzing' kind of like REM sleep.  That was weird enough that I didn't like it...she tried to turn the tappers down. (I have some serious touch issues) either that or both halves of my brain don't like to communicate...now that would kind of make sense. I finally ended up keeping my eyes open and holding the tappers about 3 inches up the cord so the vibrations were not as intense.

The goal was to create a box of some sort in my mind and put all the 'garbage' that I can't deal with in the box...and I guess go find it later if I decide to deal with it.  I had the 'box' and was trying to 'put stuff I didn't want' in it...but I just couldn't seem to visualize it. She was asking me what I 'could see' and I keep thinking of a wall...the wall that blocks the memories I can't/don't want to remember. I think I want to remember...but since I don't know what they are...I am understandably anxious about what those memories might be....so I kept coming up with a wall...

Then I could see the little girl that was me...I see her a lot in my thoughtsnow...I am told I need to 'heal her' so I can heal...but how do I do that? I feel that I have 'hurt her' twice...once when she was abused and I did not protect or help her...and again when I married a man that could not 'love' or make emotional connections. Guess I am kind of afraid of my 'third strike'. It always seems to me that she is too far away for me to get to her (read some of my poems) and I am not sure how to 'reach her'.

So...they suggested I write a letter to the little girl inside of me.  Gotta say...flashes of Sybil with Sally Fields hugging her 'inner self' as she was accepting her 'split personalities' are coming to mind. There is a part of me that thinks it is weird to 'talk or write a letter' to myself as a child.  But...I want to heal...so I have been pondering what that would mean...what would it look like...how would I feel doing it...how would I feel when it is done?

Now...I am thinking about what I could gain from a better understanding of my child self? And this is what is coming to me...It is very hard for me to 'find the center' that happy middle place between emotions and intellect. That place where you can feel...but emotions are supported by intelligence and wisdom. I tend to go from one to the other...Combined with this is the fact that I sense that I can't 'feel' the Spirit like I should. I think this is a result of my shutting down my heart so many years ago. So today on my way to work...I started thinking and realizing...The child within me can feel...the longing I have to better feel the Spirit is a longing for what I used to feel as a child. I think this is the reason my desire to 'get it back' is so strong...because I have felt it before. I know what it is and I know it exists. So perhaps the little girl inside of me is the emotional part of me, the sensitive part of me, the innocent 'child like faith' that can freely talk with God?  If this is the case...maybe I can figure out a way to 'meet her in the middle' and she can help me open up my heart and feel the emotions I long for and I can help her better handle the trauma that she had to experience?  Well...I am hoping this is how it is and it will work...I am going to think about what I want to say in the letter and I will probably work on it Sunday...it is fast Sunday and we have late church so I will have some time in the morning.  Wish me luck!

PS  I am making efforts to connect with the child within me...see my post Meeting the Little Girl Inside of Me